Sky - posted on 05/10/2016 ( 12 moms have responded )
I have never posted on here so I don't know if this is in the right place or not.
Sorry this is so long.
I was with my ex husband for 19 yrs and for around the last 13 yrs of it I think he raped me over and over, I know this will sound stupid but I don't know if that was what he was doing to me or not.
It all started a while after I had my youngest child, being a mum to two under 5 with postnatal depression a poorly new born and running the home I didn't want to have sex very often because I was tired and sore due to medical problems, so I lost my sex drive (he didn't) at first he was very understanding and if I said no he took that as no, where as, as the children got older my medical problems got worse and my sex drive didn't return, in the end he would start pressuring me to have sex with him more and more (if I didn't he would sulk like a little child), I would tell him no over and over and over but he would still try, I would keep telling him no, no,no while pushing him away from me but he would not listen and he would carry on and on and on, in the end he would make it clear that he was not going to listen to me as he had made his mind up that we were going to have sex then, so I ended up not fighting him any more and just let him do what he wanted to do to me while I lay frozen stiff there screaming inside noooo, I don't want this to be happening, please stop, you must know I don't want you to be doing this to me, if you love me like you say you do why will you not listen to me, please, please stop, but he never did until he was finished, then he would get off give me a kiss and go to sleep like he had done nothing wrong, while I lay next to him silently crying my self to sleep frozen with shock unable to move, over the years this got more often to the point that I would go to bed before him and wear bed clothes pretending to be asleep hoping he wouldn't wake me or I would not go to bed at all and sleep in the front room instead, it didn't matter if it was sex or a**l sex that he wanted it would still be the same way, in the end I couldn't be with him anymore for other reasons and we are now divorced.
I have never told anyone about this happening to me, one night 2 weeks ago while in bed with my fiancé we had been having sex and mucking about he tried to have a**l sex with me no forcefulness at all, (we have done this before many times because We wanted too) anyway I said no to him he tried again (I know he was just mucking about every time he tried) and I said no again, he tried again and this time I froze with fear he noticed this and straight away he stopped what he was doing and apologised for what he had done and asked me what was wrong, I couldn't tell him because I was in shock and fear by my memory's (he would never make me do anything I don't want to do) he asked me over and over reassuring me the whole time that I could tell him anything and I always have, I found it very hard but briefly told him what had happened to make me do that, he was so shocked he just held me telling me that to him it sounds like it was rape, I don't know what to think or do my head is so messed up right now, I read a post from someone else on here and what she described she went through is so much like what my ex done to me, I feel stupid that I let this happen to me wether it rape or not, I should have been stronger and keep telling him no and pushing him away, I should have left him sooner but I didn't want my children growing up with out their dad at home.
I really don't know what to do about this.