Was it rape? Please help.

Sky - posted on 05/10/2016 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Hi,

I have never posted on here so I don't know if this is in the right place or not.

Sorry this is so long.

I was with my ex husband for 19 yrs and for around the last 13 yrs of it I think he raped me over and over, I know this will sound stupid but I don't know if that was what he was doing to me or not.

It all started a while after I had my youngest child, being a mum to two under 5 with postnatal depression a poorly new born and running the home I didn't want to have sex very often because I was tired and sore due to medical problems, so I lost my sex drive (he didn't) at first he was very understanding and if I said no he took that as no, where as, as the children got older my medical problems got worse and my sex drive didn't return, in the end he would start pressuring me to have sex with him more and more (if I didn't he would sulk like a little child), I would tell him no over and over and over but he would still try, I would keep telling him no, no,no while pushing him away from me but he would not listen and he would carry on and on and on, in the end he would make it clear that he was not going to listen to me as he had made his mind up that we were going to have sex then, so I ended up not fighting him any more and just let him do what he wanted to do to me while I lay frozen stiff there screaming inside noooo, I don't want this to be happening, please stop, you must know I don't want you to be doing this to me, if you love me like you say you do why will you not listen to me, please, please stop, but he never did until he was finished, then he would get off give me a kiss and go to sleep like he had done nothing wrong, while I lay next to him silently crying my self to sleep frozen with shock unable to move, over the years this got more often to the point that I would go to bed before him and wear bed clothes pretending to be asleep hoping he wouldn't wake me or I would not go to bed at all and sleep in the front room instead, it didn't matter if it was sex or a**l sex that he wanted it would still be the same way, in the end I couldn't be with him anymore for other reasons and we are now divorced.

I have never told anyone about this happening to me, one night 2 weeks ago while in bed with my fiancé we had been having sex and mucking about he tried to have a**l sex with me no forcefulness at all, (we have done this before many times because We wanted too) anyway I said no to him he tried again (I know he was just mucking about every time he tried) and I said no again, he tried again and this time I froze with fear he noticed this and straight away he stopped what he was doing and apologised for what he had done and asked me what was wrong, I couldn't tell him because I was in shock and fear by my memory's (he would never make me do anything I don't want to do) he asked me over and over reassuring me the whole time that I could tell him anything and I always have, I found it very hard but briefly told him what had happened to make me do that, he was so shocked he just held me telling me that to him it sounds like it was rape, I don't know what to think or do my head is so messed up right now, I read a post from someone else on here and what she described she went through is so much like what my ex done to me, I feel stupid that I let this happen to me wether it rape or not, I should have been stronger and keep telling him no and pushing him away, I should have left him sooner but I didn't want my children growing up with out their dad at home.

I really don't know what to do about this.

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Sarah - posted on 05/12/2016

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None of what happened is your fault. I have only professional experience with this but I can understand the loss of desire and someone requesting you perform sexually. Many people, even women on the site, believe that it is a wife's duty to submit to her husband whenever he say so. Even those who may not agree with that don't believe that sex can be rape within a marriage; you've consented all along so why not today? Well I am telling you that no matter what had happened in the past, you never lost your right to say no. To be violated by your spouse must have been very sad, and I am glad you are in a better relationship now. Keep looking for support. There are lots of rape survivors support groups and you'd be welcome at any of those meetings. Hang in there!

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Sky - posted on 09/01/2016

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I just wanted to say thank you to all of you that have replied to my post, your advice and support has really helped me, my fiancé and I are starting to be able to talk about it more now, it is very hard for him to hear what I went through but he knows it helps me to talk about it, I am now able to say that I was raped out loud this was a very big step for me to do that, I wish I had more people in my life that I can trust to tell about this but although I have very good friends they are either people I feel would not believe me about something like that or they are friends with my ex husband as well so it would get back to him and I'm not ready for that still yet, but with the support of my fiancé I will get through this.

Amy - posted on 05/20/2016

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Hi Sky,
I am so sorry this happened to you and that you are still experiencing the effects. What you described here does sound like forced sex/rape and I would strongly encourage you to get help. Do you have a counselor that you could go to? Also, maybe you and your fiancé should also attend counseling as a way to open up to him and he could understand how to be there for you and support you. You could always start with local counseling at a church but If you would like to call 855-382-5433, Focus on the Family can provide a free phone consultation with a licensed counselor. I am praying for you and your fiancé. I hope you are able to get the help you desire.

Sky - posted on 05/15/2016

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Talking things through with my fiancé, I'm not sure if I am ready to see a counsellor yet about it, I know a lot of people will think it's out of spite if I was to tell anyone about it because he cheated on me while we were together.

Dove - posted on 05/14/2016

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Doing what? Talking about it w/ your fiance and getting counseling... how would anyone think that is out of spite? And who cares what they think?

Tons of ♥

Sky - posted on 05/14/2016

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Thankyou,

I know I will get there in the end with the love and support from my fiancé, he has been amazing with all this and he is the only one as such in real life that knows about this, I feel that I have no one close enough I can talk to about this other than him.

Unfortunately I feel everyone will think I'm doing this out of spite to get back at my ex husband or they are friends with both of us.

Sky - posted on 05/12/2016

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Thank you all for your reply's,

I'm still trying to get my head round this, I am not sure what to do right now but my fiancé will talk things through about where I need to go with this.

Writing it down is the only way I can deal with it at the moment, I just can not say out loud yet that my ex husband raped me.

I feel so stupid that I didn't see it as that I just looked at it as I had lost my sex drive I wasn't being a proper wife to him, so I should just let him get on with what he wanted to do then he was ok for a few days before it all started again. 😔😔

Dove - posted on 05/11/2016

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Yes, that's rape... completely. Counseling would be a good idea for you. ♥

Sarah - posted on 05/11/2016

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No means no, whether you are married, in the middle of having sex or have consented to vaginal sex and refused anal. No means no.
Yes you were raped by your husband. I agree that counseling or even a rape support group will help you sort out the feelings and anger you over this happening to you. Your fiance is a good man to even notice you were upset.
You will not be able to prosecute your husband as it has been some time and marital rape is do hard to prove. I don't think it will make you feel better either. Take the time t just work on yourself. Good Luck!

Michelle - posted on 05/11/2016

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I would suggest that you get yourself into counseling to help you get through the feeling associated with what happened in your marriage.

Sky - posted on 05/10/2016

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Thank you for your reply,

I'm still trying to get my head round it, my fiancé is very understanding and will never make me do anything I don't want to, as I said in my post he was mucking about with what he was doing and I know that's all it was, it just brought back memory's that I had blocked out, (I never planned on not telling him about it) he has done that before where he was mucking about and I said no and he was like really? are you sure that sort of thing but I don't know why this time it all came flooding back to me.

We have talked about about it but it's hard for me to talk about and it's very hard for him to hear, he doesn't like my ex as it is because of how he treated me so for him to hear he done that to me is very hard for him, he knows it was for a long time but not how long as he has told me at the moment he doesn't want to know, he's finding it hard that I will not go to the police to report it but he understands that at the moment I can't because of my children and I feel that people will think it's just another way to get back at him because of things that happened in the past, but it's not.

Michelle - posted on 05/10/2016

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Yes, your ex husband raped you. You said no and he kept on going, that's rape.
I would suggest you get some counseling to work through what happened. Also make sure you talk with your Fiance and make sure he understands what happened in your marriage. He sounds very understanding and now that he knows, I'm sure he will stop when you say no again.
My ex husband had raped me a couple of times as well, I know how hard it is. Be open with your Fiance and tell him when memories resurface.

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