We have lost two son's to suicide, and a daughter to drunk driver.

Pam - posted on 02/14/2016 ( 7 moms have responded )

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The worst days of my life! Our youngest son 24 yrs had an addiction to prescription drugs for the last several years. He would take just enough to get by then he would binge every couple of weeks. So many nights I was on my knees praying for him and dealing with the consequences of addiction. On July 21, 2015 I took our daughter and two granddaughters to the state fair. My sister in law had asked that I come over to her house, so we left the fair but instead went home. I saw my husband and another one of our sons standing in the front yard. I hear my daughter say, "I wonder why Matt's here?" I simply said, "It's Cameron". But the words I heard next made me drop. Steve said, "Cameron hung himself in the back yard". All I could do was scream and groan over and over. "God you told me to trust you". My son will never come back. He will never kiss me on the cheek, tell me he loves me. He will never have a family, he will never grow old. There is so much more to Cameron he was our youngest, full of life, light to our family, and he was my heart. I wish I could say after Cameron's death we spent time trying to grieve and heal but 6 weeks later on Sept. 9 2016, I came home to my husband being home in the middle of the day. I walked in to see our Pastor there, thinking how nice it was he stopped in to check on us and Steve was home. A few minutes into a conversation our Pastor said, "Pam I am here today because we have had another death." I thought there was a family at church that lost a child and he wanted us to visit with them. Then his words struck like someone hit me in the gut. "Bradley took his life last night". Not our oldest son too. He had been out of prison for not a year but he had an addiction to alcohol. He had a fight with his girlfriend she had left and went next door. When she didn't come back to his request, he shot himself in the heart. There is so much more, our oldest daughter was killed by a drunk driver 12 years ago. I have read several other post and I have so many of the same feeling, emotions, sometimes I can't even breathe. I have to keep reminding myself that God said he would never leave us nor forsake us. I have to believe!

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Pinkie - posted on 02/16/2016

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Pam we all go through rough times in life in differnt situation. What i can sy to you he knew that you an handle this that is why he gave it to you. he never puts us on challanges knowing one cannot handle. Its not easy that i can assure you but be strong and know he is there all the time.

Please read Roman 5 : 1-5 that keeps me going when i cannot take it.

Lindy - posted on 02/16/2016

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Pam, I so understand you. I too love God. And I know all too well what it is like to praise him in the storm but I have never been through YOUR storm. I admire you so much. Your are shining God's glory. Grief is horrific and you will process each. I have dear friends who run the meat market shop in town. They also are God fearing people and every family in this group of 5 have lost their oldest son mostly to car accidents. It is heart wrenching, but I have watched them mourn and then continue on.

I am so glad you go to trauma counseling and that your husband is able to lead the group Friends of Survivors!

I am confused about the doctor situation. Where these people bipolar before they were in this group and is it a group of survivors of grief or survivor of trauma/abuse. Did the doctors give them medication without having them checked by a psychiatrist? I do think a person is greatly disturbed when they take their own life. Know that many times it is because they feel they are a burden and have messed up so much that others would be better off without them. So many people think people commit suicide to hurt others but really they get it in their head (I believe by satan's voice telling them how horrible they are and how better off everyone would be) that suicide is the answer to relieve everyone else. Also of course they are suffering deeply and can't see then end of the tunnel. They don't want to be a burden to everyone else. Still I am so sorry for you.

Lindy - posted on 02/16/2016

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Pam, I so understand you. I too love God. And I know all too well what it is like to praise him in the storm but I have never been through YOUR storm. I admire you so much. Your are shining God's glory. Grief is horrific and you will process each. I have dear friends who run the meat market shop in town. They also are God fearing people and every family in this group of 5 have lost their oldest son mostly to car accidents. It is heart wrenching, but I have watched them mourn and then continue on.

Pam - posted on 02/15/2016

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Thank you Lindy, I am blessed to have a support system. My husband, son and daughter, we have two beautiful granddaughters. When my husband first told me about our youngest son Cameron, I kept hearing a song in my head. It is by Casting Crowns, Praise you in this storm. We had prayed for so long for him and still the end was not what I thought would happen. My son Matthew reminding me one day so after, 'Mom do we only praise him when things go the way we think". I know this doesn't sound like what most people would be saying. Please don't get misunderstand me. We was angry, sad, and all the other emotions that one would have. But after we had lost our daughter LaNae, I told God I would still serve him. My husband has been to Friends of Survivors, I have a harder time with a group hearing all the stories but he found it helpful. I go to a trauma counselor. My husband said that all the people that had lost someone in his group were all diagnosed bipolar. They had all been on medication. Neither one was ever diagnosed with having mental illness, but in order to take your own life... Even though they were not diagnosed their doctors were writing prescriptions for full months worth of pills.

Lindy - posted on 02/15/2016

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I can not tell you how much I hurt for you. I have three children and it would be so very hard for me to function, much less type of thread on a forum after what you have been through. I admire you faith and your ability to believe that God is still with you even after you have been through more mother's heartache than anyone will experience.

How is your husband? How is your marriage? This kinds of traumas can be so devastating.

We have had several friend's families effected by suicide in our community. It is shattering to everyone involved. Also, as you know often it can be from mental instability, depression and other chemical inbalances. However, knowing this does not take the pain away.

Your story reminds me of Job who lost so much, but he still refused to curse God, and eventually God blessed him with more than he had to begin with. And still, I know this can not be any type of comfort.

Honestly, I wish I could reach out and hug you, hold you and let you cry.

You seem to be connected in a church community. Do they have grief support and counseling available for you and your husband?

It is understandable that sometimes you find yourself unable to breathe. You have experienced so much trauma. Do you have extended family and friends locally to reach out to?

Dove - posted on 02/14/2016

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Oh wow!!!! ♥ i am so sorry for all your loss. Your family has certainly endured more than any family should have to lose.

I hope you are seeking counsel... from your pastor or a Christian therapist.

I would love to say more, but I know nothing I say can ease your heart... and I'm not really very good w/ words most of the time.

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