Weird situation...? help?

Rylee - posted on 12/31/2014 ( 15 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have known each other and been dating for 5 years, we were off and on and saw other people while being off. I had my first son with another man(which isnt in the picture or in my sons life) Then i got pregnant again this time with my now husbands and I's son. Before having my second kid, One of my old best friends came to me saying she had my boyfriends baby.. dna checked out it was his from a one night stand while we were'nt together. I made the effort to have this kid apart of our life and my two sons. yet, my husband finally came clean and told me he wants nothing to do with the baby or the mother of the baby. He finds her distasteful and annoying. So, both our families know he has a another son with another woman and they honor his decision he made not wanting to be in the babies life yet he plans on paying child support cause its not HER complete problem to financially support the kid. Anyways, my husbands mother see and talks to the girl about the baby (which is almost one in feb.) I find it VERY weird and I dont know how to act towards this cause he isnt in our lives but he still is. When my kids get older how am i supposed to tell them who the kid is... since she has his name and pictures around her house. Ive asked her is she could stop but apparently im wrong for wanting so and its not the babies fault for being born(which i NEVER SAID) it makes me so angry cause if it wasnt for me and making the effort noone would know about this child, not even my husband. Thats not the kinda person i am however. I just now want my kids to go over their grandmas and not ask me who the baby is in the pictures or what if she tells my kids its there daddys son they never see? I either want it to stop or i dont want my kids going over there. am i wrong? is she wrong? im used to people telling me my husband is but thats not what im trying to get to.

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Mommabird - posted on 01/06/2015

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Wow, and to think I couldve been in your situation to a T if we had even an ounce of selfishness in our body. My husband and I seperated for 9 mths and his one night stand resulted in twins...Yes TWINS! So No its not fair..yes its hard getting along with a woman who has anger and control issues...and yes it is ultimately his choice whether to be in their life as a dad or not. But even through all the stress and battles with the mother over the next 18 years I will never regret his(our) decision to be apart of their lives. It WAS weird and hard at first but after spending a little time with them by ourselves that bond just automatically formed. His child deserves to be loved and wanted, regardless of how he feels about the mother. Its not his fault she is the way she is. But hes the one paying for it. How would your husband like growing up his whole life knowing his dad made the choice to deny him as his son? Regardless of how you explain his reasonings...its simple. He's being selfish and that child doesnt deserve to be pushed aside like that. Hopefully if your husband doesnt step up and be the dad he should....someone will eventually. Lets hope that someone is a good man who isnt abusive to him.

Sarah - posted on 01/06/2015

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Alison I would suggest for your husband to go to court and get a court ordered custody. He does not need to have any contact with her at all in order to see and have a relationship with his child. Drop offs can be done at a mutual location and all communication can be done through lawyers. Set up some boundaries according to the court order....if she breaks them then you can get her for contempt.

Guest - posted on 12/31/2014

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Your husband created a child, and whether he wants to be in that child's life or not, the child is still here, and he is still the biological father. No one is "right" or "wrong" there are just facts.

The grandmother has a right to her relationship with ALL of her grandchildren--both the ones your husband wants to acknowledge and the one he doesn't--and the right to decorate her home as she wishes, with pictures of people she loves.

You need to tell your children that the child in the pictures is their half brother, but that they do not ever spend time with that brother because you and their daddy do not love him or care to have him be a part of your lives anymore. If they ask why Daddy loves them, but their half brother, you can tell them that, a long time ago, Daddy thought he loved their brother's mommy, and he decided to make a baby with her, but then he decided he doesn't love the mother anymore, so he doesn't love the baby anymore either.

Otherwise, you can just not allow the kids to spend time with their grandmother either, and when they ask why they never see her anymore, you can tell her it is because she has decorated her home with pictures of people she loves, and some of those pictures are of a person you and their dad wish didn't exist. But know that eventually, they WILL find out that they have a half brother, and that your husband is a douche bag.

Sarah - posted on 12/31/2014

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The child is reality. Even if your husband wants nothing to do with the baby it does not mean it is not there. Grandma wants to be part of its life and she has every right to be. This is her grandchild just like your son is. She has every right to have pictures up, buy presents for etc. You need to be honest with your son. You do explain....age appropriate. ...who he is. These are consequences to the choices that you and your husband made now you have to deal with the reality of the situation. That was a good thing to start involvement. It is sad that your husband does not want to continue that as the child is the one that suffers from not being able to have a dad that wants to be with him.

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Curi - posted on 01/07/2015

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i would tell your husband to deal with it. its not your place to tell them because its his kid. my husband has a kid with another woman and it was before we started dating and they did not know him because the mom would not let him see his son, but eventually she got busted for drugs so we had to start seeing him because of court and stuff plus we dont want him in foster care etc, and it is still an issue on how this kid just came into our lives, my 5 year old thinks we can just get her an older sister now. you can always tell them who the kid is and just tell them that he isnt in your lives for reasons you cant explain now. but honestly i would probably be on my husbands ass to fix it. my husband still after a year and a half now still having issues with staying in this kids life, the kid doesnt want to be at our house, he throws fits and such when he has to come, my husband has though about just letting him stay at home but because of the mom and how her poor parenting got the boy in this predicament is trying to stay positive and in his life.
but all in all i had to give that part to my husband because its not my problem or my explaination on why he has a kid with someone else. i would tell him either he needs to have his mom remove the pictures or sit down and explain to his child now what was going on. because really its not your place to try to explain for your husband nor should you have to come up with reasons for him. when we had the issue of his son i made him explain to our kids what was going on. our son was young enough that he is just like ok whatever (3) but our daughter at 5 cant yet get the real explaination what happened.
but i would throw that responsibility on your husband.

Raye - posted on 01/07/2015

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Okay, so from what I read it seems like you and your husband tried to have visitation with this other baby, and the mother became "a bitch" so now he's not seeing the child because of the mother... right? If it was a one night stand, she's probably not sure of the kind of person your husband is, or you are either. So she's right to be concerned about the care her child receives in your home. Maybe she went a little overboard, and should have calmed down, but that's something that should be worked out with her, not by cutting off interaction with your child. When two people have a baby together, they will always have a connection to that other person whether they like them or not, and they will always have a connection to that child.

The grandmother has a right to be in the child's life also. If you want to disown her because of that, that's your choice. On my dad's side, I have a half-brother that I've never met, a half-brother that I didn't meet until I was 34 and a half sister that I met when I was 6, but then not again until I was 34. Kids can understand that they have siblings that they may never meet or have a relationship with. I still wanted to know my siblings, but the family would not give me contact information and eventually I got resigned to not knowing. How I got reacquainted to 2 of them at 34 was my half sister's daughter found me through Facebook. Family always has a connection, even if it years later that they find it or come to terms with it.

Mommabird - posted on 01/06/2015

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you say its not clear to YOU why he doesnt want to be in the childs life....Have you asked him? Will he not give a reason? Sounds like there is also a lack of communication with him also. this isnt a decision that only affects him...so its not a "dont wanna talk about it" kind of thing. Someone is going to talk about it at some point and he cant expect everyone else to 'adopt' his decision and stay out of the childs life. The grandmother is making the choice to be in his life because its the selfless thing to do.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/06/2015

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Did he agree (with her) to give up the child? It doesn't sound as if he did, not if she's keeping and raising the child. It's highly doubtful that they even had a conversation about it, if she is so "distasteful and annoying"...(and if she is so distasteful and annoying, why did he have unprotected sex with her in the first place?)

Why does he feel that he should have no responsibility towards this child, except to throw money at the child in an attempt to "care" for him?

Why does he (and why do you) feel that his mother shouldn't have a relationship with her biological grandchild? Bottom line: He's capable of caring for a human being, he's shown that with your son. He needs to be a father to the child he created.

The DIFFERENCE between adoption and rescinding your rights is that in an adoption, the child is going to two loving parents, not being raised in a single parent environment because its father "didn't like" its mother, and thought she was "distasteful and annoying".

And, again, I ask: How long before he decides that you, too, are "distasteful and annoying" and decides that he wants nothing to do with you or the child you created with him? He's already shown that he is capable of being that way...

Rylee - posted on 01/06/2015

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I know because hes been caring for my child with another man doesn absolve him from the child he helped create...
how come its okay for some women give there kids up for adoption... didnt the women help create the child too.. shouldnt she take responsibilty of HER kid also? yet, my husband needs to "man up" when apparently its not even to clear to ME why he doesnt wanna be in the kids life?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/06/2015

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No one said that she has to be a part of anyone's life, but your husband needs to man up and accept that he's parented more than one child.

As others have stated, all communication and child exchanges can go through a 3rd party. He's still got a responsibility to the child. That he's also been caring for your child from another relationship does not absolve him from the responsibility for the child he helped create.

Rylee - posted on 01/06/2015

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Sarah, Thank you. You have given me the best advice ever. & Thank you for not downing anyone. but When the baby was born my husband wasn't put on the BC also due to her not knowing whos the babys father was... She receives govern assistance so shes going threw the state to get legal paternity testing and to establish child support. I dont think she has money to afford a lawyer... however, we already have one if something was to come up with that situation. I suppose with that being known I dont really know if my husband wants to be in this kids life or not. Its kinda weird to me considering hes taken care of my son since day one even though its not his child.. and we have a child together but he wants nothing to do with his other baby...

Rylee - posted on 01/06/2015

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First off, My husband is the nicest and loyalist guy ive ever came across. We both are young and have done things that cant be changed. However, After I showed him I was and could be accepting to the other child by myself talking to this woman and having her child with him over here, play with him, bathe him... exc. She would not leave us the hell alone. She acted as if that MY husband was her boyfriend (which, NEVER was the case) She would text him TELLING him she needed or wanted something, She would tell us HOW to put him to bed... (no blankets, warm clothes, cause "sids"), She would ask him if he loved the baby... or if he said somthing mean like leave me alone she would start freaking out and saying that I was texting her off his phone. (which, completely honest I dont do or care to do.) like... We dont and refuse to have a relationship with her... She is absolutely psychotic when it comes to my husband. I would not mind at all to be a part of the kids life but I dont need her coming into my life and acting as if she is apart of MY family. Her kids is MY family but she... IS NOT and WONT EVER BE.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/02/2015

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You explain to your children that this is their step or half brother.

Your husband needs to understand that just because he got an itch, and it resulted in a child, he doesn't really have the choice to "not be involved". What an ass, in my opinion. If he can do that to one of his children, what stopping him from leaving you? Not a lot, IMO...and I hope that you're prepared, just in case.

Michelle - posted on 12/31/2014

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My heart goes out to this poor child. Your husband couldn't keep it in his pants, let alone use a condom to prevent having a child with a one night stand and the child is the one that suffers.
I agree with the other ladies, your husband is very selfish for wanting nothing to do with his own child. Mind you the man you had your first son to is the same. Maybe you should both learn what birth control is because the children are the ones that suffer in the long run.
Grandma is allowed to be in all of her grandchildren's lives and no one can tell her otherwise. If you stop your children going over there you are punishing your children again!!! Get over yourselves and own up to your past.

Jodi - posted on 12/31/2014

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I think your husband is being incredibly selfish. Because he finds the mother annoying, he is going to punish the child and deprive that child of a father and siblings. He is also depriving his children a sibling. Does he not realise he doesn't HAVE to have anything much to do with the mother?

It is also selfish to expect Grandma to have to choose between your children and this other child. That little boy did not ask to be brought into this world. But now you are suggesting that people he love and who love him should be removed from his life because YOU find it weird and don't know how to tell your children.

I know you say you never said "it's not the baby's fault for being born", but you and your husband are sure as hell treating him like that.

How about you just explain that this little boy is a half brother, just like they are half brothers, and like they have different daddies, he just has a different mummy.......or have you not told them that yet either?

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