Well for starters I have a 23yr old, who is a recovering druggie but still smokes weed - sometimes 3-4 times a day. Eats me out of house and home and me being a single parent cannot keep up with the bills no more. Then I have an 11yr old daughter who thinks she is 16, can do what she wants, come and go as and when she pleases. Her punishment for rudeness, disrespect and behaviour is usually, no friends on school nights in the house by 7.30 and take away her phone for a month depending on the extent of the misbehaviour. I just feel constantly tired trying to discipline both of them as the 11yr old is always comparing herself to her older brother and says he gets away with murder why cant she. I've even now gotten into the habit of sending her to her dad every second weekend just to get her away from home and some peace and quiet and sanity for myself. But then there is the 23yr old as I said earlier who smokes his weed with friends in the shed in front of my house and though I originally allowed it, I didnt mean for it to go this far. Please HELP!!

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JuLeah - posted on 09/12/2011

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I can't understand why someone age 23 is living in your home.

That is a choice you do not have to make

When we save them, protect them, 'help them out' just one more time, we are enabling them - this means we are in fact making the problems worse - lowering the bottom

Have you heard how addicts need to 'hit bottom'? It is required before they can recover

Each time we 'help' we lower the bottom, so when they do finally hit, and they will, it is so much harder then it needed to be

We are keeping them addicts longer then they might have been - each time we save them we make it worse

Al-Anon - look it up- google it .... it saved my life

Ez - posted on 09/12/2011

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#1.. Give your adult son an ultimatum. Either stop smoking pot at your house or move out.

#2.. Take your 11yo's phone away from her permanently. She is a child. She doesn't need it, and you don't need to be paying for it when you are struggling financially.

[deleted account]

I agree with the ladies. You need to seek out Al-anon for yourself and your son needs to get straight or get out. Your daughter's behavior is only going to get worse, because she's right! She sees that you only issue empty threats against your son and he gets away with everything... so why should she do any different? The only problem is that she could get herself into a lot worse trouble (i.e. pregnant).

It's hard to have to let go of your son, but you aren't helping him by allowing him to sponge off of you at both you and your daughter's well being. He's only being rewarded for his unacceptable behavior.

If you aren't willing to kick him out, then cut him off. Make his room out in the shed and he's not allowed into the house when you're not home. He has to fend for himself in terms of food, money and any new items he may want (such as clothing). It's time he start acting like an adult! There is no more raising him... it's done. You need to concentrate on your daughter, which means removing the bad influence (your son).

I moved out of home at 16. Graduated high school, had a part time job, paid my bills. It's unfortunate, but you have to start playing hard ball, or just get used to the way things are and prepare for what's going to come because it's only going to get worse.

I actually feel sorry for your daughter, because she is getting short changed. She feels that she's being pushed aside and her brother is the favoured one (because he gets away with murder but she doesn't), so she starts acting out to get your attention. A girl needs her mother at this age, but you're consumed by policing your son. So, she gets the dregs and then pushed over to someone else who doesn't want her. Who's going to be there for her when she needs it?

As for his needing pot because of ADHD, no, he needs to see a psychiatrist to look at appropriate medication. If Ritalin isn't working for him, there are other meds that will work. That is IF he really has ADHD. The whole "I need pot because it calms me without side effects" is pure bollocks. There are huge side effects! You're struggling financially and your daughter has no parents to guide her and be there for her... there's just two.

What will your son do if you can't pay the bills and are left homeless? Better he find out what to do on his own rather than sink the whole ship, isn't it?

JuLeah - posted on 09/12/2011

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"Well for starters I have a 23yr old, who is a recovering druggie but still smokes weed - sometimes 3-4 times a day. Eats me out of house and home and me being a single parent cannot keep up with the bills no more."

This is not messing up? Just asking ... maybe your younger child doesn't need to be around an addict?

Jenni - posted on 09/12/2011

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My mom went through this with my brother. He was the baby of the family though. He'd steal from her, he'd do drugs in the house after she told him he wasn't allowed. He'd even try to distill his own alcohol under his bed after watching a youtube video on how to do it.

When he stopped going to school, she gave him an ultimatum. Either get a job, work on your GED or move out.



He thought it was just another empty threat. Kept up his ways. And she kicked him out when he was 18.



At 23 he can figure it out on his own. I had already been living on my own for 5 years when I was 23. I worked, owned a car that I paid for, paid my own rent, my own bills and put food on my own plate. If he's going to stay at your home, he should be contributing and paying room and board. I don't buy that it takes 5 years to find a job. By letting him stay, you're only enabling him.



I don't think it be an issue if he were living with you at 23 but being RESPONSIBLE and helping to pay his share. But you are only enabling him by not putting your foot down. What reason does he have to learn to take care of himself and grow up and be an adult when he's still being treated like a child?

Why get a job, move out and become self-sufficient when he gets a roof over his head and food in his belly for free?

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Amy - posted on 09/12/2011

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If your son can't follow the rules at home he NEEDS to leave. At 23 he'll figure it out and it looks like from what you posted your 11 lacks respect for you because he is getting away with so much! What are you going to do when you find out your 11 year old stole pot from her older brother and took it to school or smoked it herself? He's setting a bad example and you're enabling him if he doesn't work how is he buying it? Put your foot down for the sake of your daughter it will be hard to send your son to the streets but that may be the rock bottom he needs to get his life together!

BONITA - posted on 09/12/2011

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Both to Emma and Erin a big thanks. No he is not employed he is looking tho but cleans the house and does chores whilst I'm in work try to keep him busy most times.
Being ADHD and not on Ritalin which makes him like a zombie, he has found that weed helps to calm him down without the after effects that Ritalin has and the mood swings that goes with it.
I have taken her phone away at least for now until I see changes in her behaviour but will take yr suggestion into advisement. Again thanks for the advice and support

Stifler's - posted on 09/12/2011

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Does he have a job? Or does he just bludge off you and smoke weed ? Because if he does you should tax his pay for food and electricity and rent. If he's not working I would be on him about that.

BONITA - posted on 09/12/2011

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What I mean by messing up is if he decides to steal from me again for his habit or for any other reason. She too has nowhere to go as her Dad dont even really want her on weekends but is forced to & its to get her away from this environment too.

BONITA - posted on 09/12/2011

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Thanks for that reminder. I've been thro the who NA, twelve-step trip with him and it has helped enormously. Unfortunately, he has nowhere else to go or to live and he is very much aware that this is his final chance - if he messes up now - he is out for good.

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