Well, I am a SAHD, but I feel like a SAHS, just everyones bitch!

Jason - posted on 05/10/2016 ( 23 moms have responded )

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I am a SAHD and quite frankly I am about sick of it all. No one cares about what I do unless it doesn't get done. I homeschool, manage a storefront, fell and cut firewood, fix the cars ie a total rebuild yesterday for the civic, clean cook every meal FROM SCRATCH and no one gives a PHUCK! Also I'm not exactly George effing Clooney, but I'm pretty decent looking, plus I doubt George can rebuild a frigging engine. Oh right I forgot he is pretty and has a lot of money, silly stupid me thinking that being a GD man matters anymore.

Well, I probably just scared everyone away. I am sorry its just that I do everything a SAHM would do and I still have to do all the things a man does. We live in an old cabin way out in the woods. We are dirt poor, and yes that is possible these days, having a computer does not mean I am well off. This place has no heat and must be kept supplied with firewood a SHIT LOAD of it. My body is breaking down. I am waiting on three surgeries meanwhile I cannot follow my doctors instructions and I keep hurting my self over and over again. Rebuilding the car in one day almost killed me. Does anyone care? Nooooop.

Please forgive my anger, I am really just very sad and tired and I really do want to die. I finally worked up the balls to kill myself awhile back and then realized I just can't. I forfeit the right to do that as soon as I had kids.

But damn, how does one do this? I am not an eternal wellspring of energy. My body is failing. How the hell do I get this under control?

I can't keep just eating painkillers while I destroy myself, especially for a bunch of ungrateful asshats...

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/14/2016

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PS again, THANK YOU for your service and sacrifice for our country. I do mean that, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/14/2016

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Jason,

You're going through a lot of what my husband is, only you don't have a team willing to work with you.

I agree with Sarah's suggestion about ride boards, etc at church, but you still need to check with the VA to see what they can help you with. As far as you not wanting to use a pain management specialist, again, I totally get it, because if you are NOT with the correct team, they ARE the devil, and are not there to benefit you. I promise, there are good teams out there, though, and it just takes a bit of effort (and a good primary physician) to find them.

If you have chronic, ongoing pain, and they're only looking into NSAID's for your pain management, they are doing you absolutely NO favours at all, because NSAIDS get built up in your body, you get accustomed to them, and the dosage always has to be incrementally increased, resulting in addiction and worse. They need to look into other forms of pain management. Yes, this may get you into some opiods or the like, but again, different meds, different results.

Not being sure where you are, I can only give you general advice about the physicians. However, if you are anywhere near the Front Range area in either Wyoming or Colorado (or heck, even Nebraska), I can give you an office that has been phenomenal in our pain management battle.

I really hope that your wife and kids have come around a bit since your outburst. It is completely unfair for them to continue to expect a friggin maid, mechanic and cook out of a disabled human being. Yeah, my hubs does what he can around the house, but hey, if he doesn't get to it, he doesn't, and that's where my kids and I come in. He, like you, has a very hard time giving up the "man" duties...and I really get that, but I've worked hard to show him that we CAN help and sometimes do things so that he doesn't always feel he has to cripple himself further (your civic rebuild, for example...my kids would have helped, or done it with supervision)

Maybe the difference is that my husband and I really are a team and a partnership, and his injury happened when the boys were really young (like 5 & 2), so they've grown up knowing that they would need to help as they got older. I wanted to stay home with my kids, and got to for the first few years, but then I needed to step up and be the main income, so I sucked up and did that. The fact that your wife, in her infinite selfishness, hasn't automatically seen the need for that, and not bitched, indicates that maybe she could benefit from counseling for the spouses of a disabled person. I didn't, but I was geared to be a caregiver, etc, so it was automatic for me.

I agree with Sarah as well that your kids CAN do some of these chores, and probably need to be taught a few more, if they're going to continue to live mostly off grid, as you are. Teach them to fell trees. Teach them maintenence, both on the home and the vehicles. Don't take no for an answer. This is not an option, this is education time, kids, and we're all gonna be on board for it.

Most of where you are at in your head is because of the NSAIDs. Talk about incarnations of evil!

PM me. I can give you the whole, rotten background, and a lot of handy things that will help you through the struggle, both with finding an appropriate physician, and all the rest.

I really do hope that your outburst at home results in some opened eyes and better help from your family.

Sarah - posted on 05/12/2016

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No worries, the posts are going to appears at they are posted, you don't respond just to one person, you add to the thread, so if you want a comment directed to a specific person you do what you did;
@ Sarah E.
@ Shawnn...
However, I have to defend Shawnn; she knows what she talks about and while it may be abrupt, she is never anything but well intended and trying to be helpful Sometimes it may come across as harsh but I find her tough love perspective to be a helpful balance to the site.

Dove - posted on 05/11/2016

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As a single, disabled mother of 3 I can somewhat sympathize... It sucks and it's hard, but you are the only one responsible for how your life turns out. YES, there are many things beyond your control when you are suffering from a debilitating disorder, but you have to find the things you can control (even if it's just one tiny thing per day) and cling on to that. Do what you can to change your situation or at the very least do what you can to control/change your emotions. If you CAN'T do something... you can't do it. If your kids are old enough... teach them how to do some of the stuff. There ARE resources out there that can help you... it just might be extremely difficult to FIND those resources, but keep looking and making calls and doing research on the internet.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/10/2016

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OK,
We get it. You’re frustrated. First off, though I have to tell you this: I WAS A SAHM. I did everything you claim to do, and enjoyed every friggin minute of it. (including the automotive repairs)

Your lifestyle of being out in the middle of nowhere…um that’s a choice that YOU and your spouse made. No one forced you to go almost off grid and live like pioneers. Personally? I’ll trade you. You come do my job every day, tehn go home and take care of a disabled spouse, home, vehicles, firewood, snow removal…etc, etc, etc.

If your family isn’t chipping in, HAVE A DISCUSSION. Its time for everyone to contribute, even the little ones. If you aren’t following your physician’s orders…Well, DUH!!! Of course you’re going to screw your body up worse because you’re being a stubborn ass about following your physician’s orders!!! That is not rocket science, after all.

I’d recommend some counseling. You obviously are a good (I think) partner, but if you were mine, we’d have had a “come to Jesus” meeting about your attitude and lack of common sense.

23 Comments

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/14/2016

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Oh,and the BC issue...good lord, that "REAL ID" act. Good grief! What a hassle

I got caught with that as well. All of a sudden, the certified copy I'd used for EVERYTHING was no longer accepted. I had to get a new copy. State vital records can do that for you, but you shouldn't need it if you still have some form of military ID.

At least, LOL, for guys it's easy...I had to take in not only my 'new' certified copy of BC, but also a certified copy of marriage certificate, and a copy of my SS name change!

Sarah - posted on 05/12/2016

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We all lose our shit once and a while; your human. Give yourself a break. I lost it in public at the skateboard park a few days ago; which is worse? On a anonymous post or publicly in front a of a bunch of kids! Not only that but I yelled at little kids! Not proud of myself but why doesn't anyone where a friggin helmet?....total tangent, but we are only human. Relax, it is all good!

Jason - posted on 05/12/2016

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@ all, look I really am sorry, I um do not usually do this. Even with my problems I usually break some other way, never ever have I confided in strangers.

Honestly I am mortified, no way for people to really even know who I am, but it goes against my guts, but my guts have lead me astray.

And I think I can chisel my way back out, but I think I waited way way the hell to long. Accordingly I flipped the hell out, it wasn't a very good day in the house either. Lets just say that among other things I realized that food doesn't have to taste good it just has to keep you alive :) So keep being a butt to me and I won't make your food good...

That one worked immediately. Now I just need to get them actually helping me a little more. I knew how to do most of the stuff I do around the house by the time I was about 6. Like I said before I think I overcompensated a bit do to my own raising. I could kick myself. I obviously wanted to correct the mistakes of my own parents and created new ones.

I think my wife will be willing to take me next week. The shit storm I raised here was nasty. I hate the person I used to be so much I tend to avoid confrontations, but sometimes one is needed. My flip made the family realize just how bad it was I think.

It was going to come to this at some point. After surgery I am not gonna be cutting or splitting any wood for awhile, its part of the reason I'm killing myself at it. I'll be honest, coodos to those women that will run chain saw, but that scares the shit outta me. My big one is a 550 echo, that's about 50 pounds of commercial grade powa. Hell I all most killed myself with it once. Hit my leg and caught a wrench in my pocket. Pinched me bad but no injury. Weak left shoulder caused that one, I couldn't control the saw when it caught something and kicked. I hear shoulder surgery can be tough to get back from quickly, but I better stop the quick attitude anyway. I trash it again after surgery and I'll be screwed.

Thank you ladies, and thank God again I flipped out here, I would rather embarrass the living crap outta myself than put my family through what happened years ago...

Ps. I am working on getting back on my full regimen of medication. Stopped going after a successfully medication caused an allergic reaction. We never managed to find another combo that worked as well, Lamictal I believe it was. It turns to poison in my system for some reason. I am going tomorrow for that to be started at least. So no one worry about me wigging out again, I managed to behave for years before this and I'll be back on my medication within a month I'm sure.

Sarah - posted on 05/12/2016

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Do you or your wife belong to a church? My church has a place in the bulletin for "community needs" If you post your need for a ride to the doctor, I bet someone will be willing to drive you .
Having a family meeting is a good way to remind your kids that in order to stay warm you all need to contribute to the firewood supply. Teach your kids to split wood. It is hard and at 12 it took me like 30 swings to crack a small log; but I did it and felt great. Since you home school, these sort of chores can be part of the curriculum; fixing cars, felling trees (physics and biology), splitting wood is a lesson too. You can tap into the kids interests and school with chores. Some people picture home school as a school in the house. Home school can be fluid, fun and teach indirectly. You can teach a kid that the angle of a tree combined by where you strike the tree and the height of the tree all affect the way it will fall or you can show them; let them live it. They won't ever forget it. Good luck, I really hope get the help you need and you documents worked out. My BC had a crossed out name on it and I know that was an issue at the DMV, but old BC are weird sometimes and you can't always fix them.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/12/2016

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Jason, I'm working on a response that shoudl cover a lot of your points. Will post it tonite.

From my POV, I can see that you're going through A LOT of what my hubs did... I'll share later

Jason - posted on 05/12/2016

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THIS FORUM HAS FUNKY CONTROLS

I am officially metaphysically embarrassed....

*shrinks into chair

Jason - posted on 05/12/2016

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I do have benefits and I use them, but I do not think there is a service that comes out here to pick people up, I could be wrong, but it seems like my dad would have said something, he has been doing this a lot longer than me.

My BC was good enough for the ARMY, then one day they just wouldn't take it at the DMV anymore said it wasn't up to new security standards.

I got pericarditis on the job, but did not realize it until about 1 1/2 years later, by then my heart was damaged.

I initially got very ill while at work, the doctors said it was bacteria from a live or very freshly killed chicken, it was. When I told my boss he made it clear that I would be fired if I tried anything. Having just had my first daughter a few days earlier I was scarred and absolutely could not let my family down. So I kept it to myself. I just took the antibiotics until they where gone. Unknown to me was the fact that it had not entirely been cured and had snuck into the lining of my heart. It thrived there until one day I fell out at a new job. Pilgrim's Pride was the company, it was later shutdown due to many illegals becoming ill. Dalton Ga, look it up.

I really should make the kids do more and I am trying. They are actually improving, but other things are falling apart so fast its hard to measure a quantitative improvement in my life.

I'll check with the VA about rides, but I just don't think they are able to do that here. The VA says they have someone working on getting my BC, but that was over a year ago. I am trying to address everyone's responses, so I apologize if I miss something.

I do not think I am addicted to the drugs, because honestly they are so hard to come by I never really have much, doc writes about 20 every 3 months or so. That's all he is willing to give. I could go to pain management, but those places are evil. I am supposed to take a hydrocodone 10 every 4 to 6 hours. To be perfectly frank this is like attacking a tank with a bb-gun, so I just store them away until I have to do something I am not supposed to, like rebuilding the civic. Then I take how the hell ever many it takes to get through the work, sometimes its 3 sometimes is 6-8 in a day. Then I try to recover as quickly as possible.

I swear, there are times that I am spending weeks on end trying to get the pain under control with heating pads, ice packs, naproxen, which has probably givin me a bleeding ulcer. I actually take more NSAIDS than anything. I really am tired of taking pills all together! To make matters more difficult I have some major mental health issues, as you guys have no doubt noticed.

I just really miss the 6 months or so that it looked like I would get that life.

I was a criminal in my younger years. I never planed to live past the age of 25. I have been shot at, stabbed, and beaten to the point of being in a short coma (less than 2 weeks). I honesty don't even know how I made it through basic. Seriously if you look at me without a shirt on it is pretty obvious that I sustained some kind of serious injury at some point. The damage to my left shoulder was severe and I was surprised they did not say anything. I just kept saying no like my recruiter told me and I skated right through.

So I got away from all of that and established myself as a soldier, met my wife, established myself as a pipe fitter and eventually foreman.

When I got married and had children I was so grateful. Shocked that this would be granted to me of all people. It looked like that life that I always thought only existed in corny sitcoms would be mine.

I was wrong as it turns out family can hurt a lot worse than getting stabbed. It can even hurt a lot worse than being beaten literally within an inch of your life.

I might have been a victim at one time, its hard to say, but these days I am just viciously mean.

Despite my ailments I forget pain altogether when I get angry. I am lucky I have not been locked up honestly. Mind you I am purely reactive. I don't want to draw attention to myself for starters, also I feel terrible after I hurt someone even if they really really deserve it. After this kind of stuff happens It all comes rushing back, the pain, the guilt, I feel so shitty every time I lose control.

Like I said I am dangerous to toy with, but I swear I am starting to think I need to be institutionalized for the rest of my life.

Some animals are just too dangerous and must be isolated or put down.

I am feeling like that kind of animal anymore.

Thank you for your responses, I was not going to come back here, but I saw my email and got curious, I am glad I did.

I am going to get to the doc no matter what next week, I think more than anything I need mental health treatment. I have 2 confirmed disorders, but I do not like to talk about it given the stigma.

Looking back I think I overcompensated for the way my parents treated me and thusly raised my kids wrong. I had to do everything growing up, I was the oldest. I cooked cleaned, pretty much exactly what I do now. As for my wife, she is bitter. All she ever wanted was to be a SAHM. She also hates her job. I'm not exactly a fan of hers these days, but her coworkers do treat her like shit. She is just some ignorant redneck in their eyes.

Thank you for the concern and kind words. I still feel like an idiot though. I ain't exactly macho, but men don't cry out for help in my family. In fact they just don't cry at all. It is true what they say about that though, it really is a weakness. To stop it everytime eventually starts killing off that part of you. That part is connected to others and they start to die too.

I really gotta go.

Again I REALLY am sorry I was so angry. Thank God I decided to lose it in a forum this time. Last time I wound up in the funny farm for awhile.

Sarah - posted on 05/12/2016

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You are accusing me of being ignorant? You have no idea what my life was or is presently like. I asked some fair questions, if you choose not to answer than how is anyone going to give advice. You assume that I am unable to put myself in your shoes yet you know nothing about me

Jason - posted on 05/12/2016

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I'm more or less accusing you of ignorance that I associate with people who have it waaaaaaay the heck the better than me. You assume that I have a choice. You assume that if you work hard that things work out, they don't always...

I'd give you the long version, but its pointless. Suffice to say through various means of abuse I was not really completely sane by the time I went into basic.

But, I really should not have gotten so angry. Its good that you have a good life, I am really just jealous I think. I did everything the preachers and my grandparents said to do and life got worse...

I quite the drugs, and life got worse.

I tried being nice to people and turning the other cheek, and life got worse.

So far all life has shown me is that being evil gets you ahead while being good gets you shit on.

Sarah - posted on 05/11/2016

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Dove poses a good perspective. Control what you can and then work on the rest. Wallowing in self pity won't fix anything. Seriously, veteran benefits must be able to help you

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/11/2016

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Oh, and Jason? Just because your spouse didn't believe in the vows she took, it doesn't mean that ALL marriages turn out like yours: I offer as example my 26 year committment.

Sarah - posted on 05/11/2016

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Sorry to hear to tale of anger and frustration. I have some questions. What is the deal with your BC that you cannot get a license? If you were able to serve in the military you must have some form of proper birth ID. Second, do you get veterans benefits? Third, if you got pericarditis on the job, it should be protected by workman's compensation benefits. How many kids and what ages are you educating? Why can't you spouse or kids help with the manual labor? I grew up with sisters and we all can split wood, run a log splitter, assist with car repairs, as well as sew, can food, cook, hunt, clean animals, run a barnyard. Use your need to teach your kids life skills. Do you have any health insurance (you should with being a veteran); your health insurance may provide transportation to you doctors appointments. Are you addicted you your painkillers? How are you getting them if you can't go to the doctor?
So, if you can clarify for me I probably have some ideas for you to change you situation.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/11/2016

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You're fucking hilarious.

If you did serve, I do thank you for your service and sacrifice. However, you need to take steps YOURSELF.

If you served, you have VA benefits, which do include rides to and from appointments. That solves that. Personally? I think your wife and kids are self centered idiots, but you've allowed them to become that way, because you allow them to continue to treat you like crap.

You have to take ownership. You have to be proactive. Did the Army not teach you that?

Like I said, I come home from a 9 hour shift to a disabled husband. The difference between me and your wife??? I'm a partner with my husband and we work TOGETHER.

Dude, seriously! Pack it in. Leave 'em to survive. Take care of YOURSELF.

You don't say how old the kids are, but...wow.

And, honestly? Stop passing judgment. You have no fucking clue what I HAVE BEEN THROUGH. If I DO drive a huge SUV (Which, btw, I do...TWO of the damn things, that I've worked fucking hard to have. They're paid for, so's my house. ALL CASH. Not because we're rich, but because we worked our ASSES off) it makes no fucking difference in the world. You're accusing me of affluence. Well, bite me.

Jason - posted on 05/11/2016

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Well I was being an idiot yesterday. I apologize for my rudeness and lack of proper decorum. This life is not fair and it does not promise to be just either. The truth is that I was much happier 15 years ago doing drugs and being a criminal. I straightened up, joined the ARMY, got out, dabbled in jobs, got my BA, got a real job, met wife, had kids, got my heart broken in the best way and begun to think maybe there was hope in this life.

I was wrong... Life really is not fair and honestly you'll go a lot farther in this world by simply being more vicious than your competition.
I do find it a little grating to know that if I was female and my wife was male, this would be a clear cut case of spousal abuse. But, it's not. Its just a broke dick man who can no longer serve his purpose. So who cares if he is smacked around and yelled at?

I sure do love my kids though at least that is a constant. All I can do now is make sure they are prepared for this world. I pray dearly that they never have to find out just how "conditional" all love is. The truth is that people have limits and a nice person when asked to sacrifice what they hold most dear will turn on you. In sickness and in health is the biggest friggin joke I have ever heard and I really wish people would stop saying it in they're marriage vows. This childish sentiment DOES NOT EXIST.

By the way let me guess Shawn...

You come from a middle class background...
You drive a big ass SUV that I could not even afford to fuel...
You have never actually been hungry. (the kind where you are actually starting to die not the uncomfortable kind when your tummy burns a little)
You have no clue what it means to truly fight to survive...
You don't know what its like to feel your arm separating from your shoulder, but keep going anyway because, YOU are the only one that is gonna drag that wood up the hill to keep your family warm.
You have never stared down the barrel of a gun feeling like pulling the trigger is the sweetest release you will ever have and that that gruesome fate is PRIVALEGE you cannot have.
You do not know what it is like to become a killer only to have people you fought for treat you like garbage.
I seriously doubt you offered your life up only to be cast aside when it broke your mind.
Then finally to be cast aside when your body breaks as well.

You can offer rebuttal, but I will not be around to see it. I know better now. All I can expect from anyone in this world now that I am worthless is more shit. I don't have to go sticking my nose in it though.

I even see Gods love as conditional now, what hope is there for a man with no country, no God, and no fellowship? If anyone out there cares at all, just pray for me I am lost.

Jason - posted on 05/10/2016

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I don't just claim this stuff mind you... Also, I cannot follow my doctors instructions. My family will not give me a ride to the doctor... I cannot drive myself due to a problem with my birth certificate... I used to enjoy the work, but my body is trashed and I am on disability because of it. I take pain killers to tolerate it during the work because no one else can do some of the things I have to do. IE I do not want my wife felling trees, I've been doing it for over 20 years and even experts get hurt from time to time...

When I say pain I mean only sleeping for 10 minutes bursts for 3 days at a time until I pass out for a few consecutive hours of sleep...

Basically my problem is that my wife and others just don't care. When I need a ride to the doctor everyone just bitches until I give up on the idea. My wife has treated me like shit every since I lost my last job and my kids mimic her. Its basically them against me, except I am for them, but they treat me like the enemy.

I do not have a choice at this point... I cannot legally drive or I would have left before, mind you I would have been back soon out of guilt.

Now, I am trying to be patient... I expected a little support from a community of moms who I feel are typically undervalued by society, especially since I added that entire field of work to my own.

I am not being stubborn either I WANT to get the surgery. I certainly do NOT want to continue pushing myself through and into further injury... I do not have a choice. I wanted to live where I do and still do, but MY BODY IS FAILING.

My family will not take me to the doc, they will not help me. They do not respect me. I have tried having a bloody "talk" with them. Also I am not a fucking moron that would not have thought to fucking talk it out first.... My God the shit people say to feel superior for a sec, maybe just try drugs so other people don't have to feel like shit when you need a buzz...

You know what? What do you drive, what kind of home do you live in? What class is your birth family?

I'm just curious if you fit the image I have in my minds eye. I'm holding off judgment for now because I really try not to assume things, but I'm just betting...

I tried to be nice, but why bother? My family treats me like shit why wouldn't a stranger.

Oh and congrats you are better than me. That was obviously the point of your post..

If not maybe don't assume things about a stranger, they be on the edge, and you do not know me, but when I lose control it makes the news...

A life of trying to do the right thing led me here, because sometimes your life sucks even after putting in the effort. Just because doing the right things payed off for you doesn't mean others are as fortunate.

Like I don't care about my health actual lol right now. I cook the food like I do for the health benefits. I even quit smocking recently. So what if I am not just some whinny man? What if I really am surrounded by people that don't care if I live, beyond all the things I do for them of course.

Just so you know, my wife seemed to be happy when I was healthy and made a lot of money. I got percardidis from bacteria ON THE JOB as an industrial mechanic. It almost killed me and ruined my health permanently.

That's it, I guess I can expect to be judged some more from here on out.

I know this I will either have to leave on foot soon or I am gonna end up hurting someone really bad, when I lose control I do things I regret. And I really can't help it, talk to other people with PTSD, you know the kind you get from almost dying repeatedly and having to kill harder and faster than the enemy to survive. My God what did I expect? In the real word I'm just a freak that isn't useful anymore. Thanks ARMY teach me to kill teach me to survive, but don't teach me how to deal with how much it fucked my mind...
Its the other reason I live like a hermit.

Human life don't me to me what it does to you, unless I make an effort any outsider is just potential threats or meat... In other words be careful about assuming things online. You are nice and safe at home behind your little computer, but the person like me that finally loses his shit after reading your words can do real damage...

Have a blessed flipping day because God tells me to be nice to people instead of putting a bullet in their gut.

Wait why the hell did I stop using drugs, oh right to be happier...


Why am I even typing this, no one cares.

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