Well let me start from the beggining, my husband I married 10 years ago on april 7th. He knew i had 4 children when we married. Now 9 years later I am living in hell. I have one child left at home which is 15. And he has bipolar, adhd, anxiety and depression. I have taken him to therapy and phsychiatrist, he has been on all different kinds of medications. And has decided to self medicate with marijuana. My husband now has decided to step out of the picture, by that I mean let me handle the outburst and tantrums and defiance. I feel like I am all alone. I am stuck between my 4 children and my husband who I love very much. I love my children with all of my heart and soul. They are distant from me for staying with him. I have been through a rough childhood and 3 different abusive marriages myself. But this isn't about me. I need to know what to do with my 15 year old. he refuses to do chores. He refuses to listen to bouderies. He is online school and does the bare minimum. Although I make him sit there until he puts in effort. My husband I hate to admit but have to be honest has been mentally abusive. And he is threatning to kick my son out if I do not gain control of him. I am gonna look into the total transformation page on the web. I have to do something. Because if he kicks him out I am going with my son. he needs me more then my husband does. My other 3 children, barely talk to me. I have alot of problems of my own going on. But on the other side. But in my husbands defense. he says he is looking out for me. And the way they disrespect me and use me for money. Wich they do I realize that, they only contact me when they need something. But I am very concerned about what is going to happen to my son and my marriage. I want them both, but don't know how to make it work. They dislike each other very much. My husband says I am not hard enough on my son. Wich I will admit I am not. I guess I am trying to make up for all he is going through. And I am trying to be a good house wife. My husband says he loves me, but there is some distance there. What do I do???? Any advise will help.
I forgot to mention another thing.. You had said your son is going to therapy , taking man made meds and on marijuana.. All of this combined will cause your son to act the way he is as well. If you would take all of this away, you will see a totally different person. Marijuana will cause you to get high and some meds will interact with each other and cause a big problem. Now he is bipolar and depressed and such.. no wonder!! As for biopolar, there are natural homeopathic medicines for that.
Well, first things first.. You love your husband and children all so much. Now, your children don't like your husband,, why?? Is he abusive to you or them? I know you said mentally abusive to your 15 year old.. is it on the idea of him telling him about leaving home? If your children don't want nothing to do with you because of your marriage.. well, I hate to say it, but if your children loves you enough, then they need to show you respect. If your husband treats you well and you both love each other.. I would not let my children come in between. Yes, I know they are your children. You had said you have 4 of them and 1 is at home. So , the other 3 only wants to know you when they want something.. Well that would stop. If your children wants something when they need it, yey they should ask you for help, but, they should have something to do with you otherwise too. If they can't have respect for you, then why help them?? Like I said, I know they are your children. But, it takes one to give respect in order to earn it.
As for you 15 year old son.. Sounds like he is doing is best of getting his way and is making your life crap. You said you are stuck in a hard place between your marriage and children. Well to me, if this man knew you had 4 children before he married you and accepted it.. well, if he has tried to be there for you children at all in the past and even now, even though you may not see it.. It takes a real man to accept a already made family, if you know what I am saying. You husband, is having distance from you.. well it is more than likely because you need to take up for yourself and stop letting your children run all over you. That will cause a marriage to be distant. If he has been there for 9 years.. That means, he has been helping you raise your 15 year old son.. Right?? So, therefore, your husband is a father role model to him and is trying to look out for his well being too. If he is saying about your son straightening up because of his attitude and actions and threatening to kick him out.. Well, that might be his way of trying to get him to act his age and straighten up.. I mean, it might scare your son to straighten up, if he knows that is what is going to happen... I have a 16 year old that sometimes acts like a butt shall I say and thinks he knows it all and such. At that age, that is normal, but they need to have respect for the parents. If they can't have respect for the parents and do as they are told now.. what is going to happen to them when they are out on their own.. If you don't stop his behavior now and back your husband up.. your son could end up where you don't want him. Like jail or anything. Some parents who cant control their children sometimes have to send them to boot camp because it is tearing the family apart. No, any mother don't want to do that at all. but, sometimes you have to do what you have to , even though you don't like it for the sake of your kid. So, your son isn't wanting to do school work, or anything around the house. He is being disrespectful to you and your husband and is getting his way. Now if you don't straighten him up now.. what is going to happen to him later on in life? I say this is because.. if he don't school, how is he going to get a job and pay for himself when he gets older. If he can't do anything for you or himself, how is he going to take care of things when he does get out. If he acts mean or stotty or have a bad mouth or shall I say backtalk at all. I dont know if he does, but he probably does if he is acting this way.. If you he is backtalking or anything at all.. what is going to happen we he does get out and backtalk someone and the does it to the wrong person?? He could end up hurt really bad, if not dead. Kids today, dont have respect for the parents at all. They want to do what they want and dont care about the consequences at all.
If your husband is saying things that are out of line.. then that needs to be addressed as well. In my opinion, the best thing to do is tell your son to start having a better attitude and start helping around the house, doing the schooling like told and and have respect. If he wants respect, he has to give it. If he can do this, then things will go alot better for him. As for the husband, i would tell him that you will back him up as long as there are no harm to your son. If the son does need a punishment for something that he needs it for, then you both will talk about the punishment and that he needs to watch the words said.
IF your husband is trying to watch over you and trying to stop the commotion of your children using you and having disrespect, then you should be grateful to that. Some guys dont give a crap of how the kids act to the mom. I mean, he is telling you stop letting them treat you disrespectful. Is he laying a hand on you or your son?? If not, then he is telling you what he sees and trying to lay down rules to your son. But as long as your son sees that you dont agree, then he is going to keep up his atttitude and cause you to leave your marriage. And if your son, loves you and knows that you love him and your husband, he wouldnt want you to loose your marriage, or be the one to cause you and your husband to break up. No matter wether your son dont like him or not, he needs to look at your feelings.
Your son does need to act right and do chores and do schooling. He needs to know how it is to take care of things and so forth. When it is time to get out on his own and get a job, he is going to have to do work then.. so, it starts at home. And he has to show respect, for even when he has a job, he has to show respect or he will be out of a job and homeless. So, it all starts at home.. If they cant do it then, how are they going to do it when they are out? So, if your husband is trying to get him to straighten up and saying he is going to kick him out.. he is trying to get him to see ..( what is he going to have if he is kicked out.. no home,no food..nothing). so, think about it.. he is trying to wake him up. If he does kick him out.. before that would happen and he cant show respect to you or him in that matter.. maybe boot camp is what is going to help, even though you may not want to. I hope you understand what I am trying to say here.. If you dont straighten up now , what is going to happen when he grows up? If you dont stand up now and make him change.. you are going to loose a man whom loves you. And besides.. also look at it this way too.. what is going to happen to your son, if you arent around.. I mean we all dont live forever.. I tell my son.. that he needs to see what is what and have respect. for he has to for one day , i wont be there for him and he is going to have to wether he likes it or not. if i were in your situation and i love my husband and he isnt an abuser and is trying to take care of you and your son, then i wouldnt let my sons disrespectfulness cause me to loose my marriage. He took on an already made family when he got with you and is trying to take up for you and show your son what is what to open his eyes.. That should say something.
Cecilia - posted on 02/07/2013
i would actually suggest taking everyone to therapy together to figure this out. It does sound like there is so much going on that we won't be able to help much. I am sure there is a way to work through this as a family. Although i will say the husband is being a little unfair asking you to kick out a 15 year old. I would understand if he was 18+. Although i do think he is stuck on what to do.
Join Circle of Moms
Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.Join Circle of Moms