WHAT am I supposed to SAY?

[deleted account] ( 10 moms have responded )

My BF and I were sitting on her bed yesterday and the phone rang. She answered it and after a minute or two she started to turn pale.
The person on the other end was someone who worked in the same circles with her husband. The person told her that her husband had announced earlier yesterday that he has a blood clot sitting in the base of his brain...and the minute it moves, he's dead. He could die at any moment.
He never bothered telling her this. He didn't tell her last night after work, either.
The statement could VERY well be true...he had a stroke 6 months ago and the only way she found out about it was 'thru the grapevine'...just like this news. Why does he keep such important things from her?
What am I supposed to SAY to her? I sat there on the side of her bed...I didn't know what to say but "I'm sorry"....... what am I supposed to SAY in a moment like this?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

I think just being there to meet her needs is more important than anything you could say.

Shannintipton - posted on 05/12/2011

36,025

50

681

Hi Ink,
I am sorry to hear this. But I also sorry if this sounds rude, but she needs to make sure thier will is taken care as well as any insurance policies they make have. Especially if there are any kids involved. It may sound harsh, but it is very important. I know it is hard to be around and not being able to help. Dont under estimate just being there even if is just an ear to listen. That helps alot. It is a tough spot to be in. Good luck. {:+)

Wendy - posted on 05/12/2011

1

0

0

your friend's husband probably does not want her to know and worry her. you could offer to look after their children and suggest to your friend she tells her husband about the upsetting phonecall and that she would like to talk with him about it. without the children there they can take the time to openly discuss and cry if it is true. if it is true they can discuss important issues such as what to do when something happens. she will need your support no matter what and being an available friend will be what she needs.

[deleted account]

Why does he keep this stuff from his wife, but just announces it to everyone at work? And how can you have a stroke without your wife knowing?

Sorry, one of them sounds like a pathological liar.

10 Comments

View replies by

Heidi - posted on 05/12/2011

4

0

0

dump the butt head and move on to someone that will treat her with the respect she deserves.

Shannintipton - posted on 05/12/2011

36,025

50

681

Hi Ink,

I just thought of something else, I know from experience. If it is in his brain, he may not be totally responsible for his actions. The brain is a very tricky thing. So please keep that in mind. Good luck {:+)

Sneaky - posted on 05/12/2011

1,170

33

131

Mostly I would want to say - your husband is a douche and a selfish bastard and if he is going to drop dead anyway you should leave him now. I would WANT to say it, probably would not have the guts to.

But yeah, he is a douche. What can you really say to a friend when they deserve better than what they have, but they love their jerk?

I guess you keep being supportive like you are now and you could go in and ask the hard questions to help her trouble shoot it - do you want to do to the dr with him to find out whats going on? if you made a dr appointment for him would he go? how would he react if the next time he has a 'coughing fit' and 'faints' you rang 911? why do you think he doesn't want you to know about his medical issues? is it a reason enough to consider leaving him? is it reason enough to threaten to leave him and see if he pulls his thumb out of his butt? Questions like that because you can support your friend better and give her better advice if she is willing to tell you more about how she feels and the limitations of the situation.

BTW, the fainting after the coughing fit thing is VERY bad. If he does have a blood clot at the base of his brain and the coughing fit moved it and stopped the blood flow to his brain, that could be why he fainted. It also means that every time he 'faints' he will potential be getting more brain damage from lack of oxygen to his brain. My advice to YOU, is if that ever happens in front of you again to call 911, no matter what his wife says. It might wreak your friendship, but at least she will not end up married to a vegetable.

I'm sorry this situation sucks so bad :o( I wish there was more I could do to help you.

Katherine - posted on 05/12/2011

65,420

232

5193

The really and truly sad think is that you can't make someone help themselves. If he doesn't want help she can't MAKE him get it.
I would just be there for her even though you don't know what to say.

[deleted account]

Last night sitting on the couch he did his coughing fit thing...he coughs until his eyes scrunch shut...His arms tremble uncontrollably and then he blacks out. We sit there saying his name over and over until he finally jerks, looks up at us and says, "HUH?" Like he had been asleep or something. After his coughing fit...She said to him, "I want to go with you to your doctor next time, he needs to know about these coughing fits." He looked at her blank...sort of a bland go to hell look. He is NOT interested in her knowing what is going on.

And you are absolutely right..I do NOT know what this feels like. When my husband died, it was in an emergency room. I was told to wait here...and twenty minutes later they came to me in the waiting room and said, "he's gone." GONE? He had trouble BREATHING...he's not DEAD! He didn't seem to be DYING when I was driving him here...he just couldn't catch his breath.

So no...I don't know how she feels. I was slapped in the face with my husband's death...I never had anybody TELL me..."he's going to die in 30 minutes"

I just felt so LAME sitting there all DAY with nothing more to say than "I am so SORRY!"

Blackwood - posted on 05/12/2011

0

0

36

First if he could die at any moment if he moves, how can he announce to everyone this news? If this is true, what can you say? Nothing that gonna help. Honestly. There is nothing you can say to make this situtation better. I would first incourage your BF to talk to her husband and for her to go to his doc appts with him to find out what is actually going on. In the meantime all you can say is "I'm sorry you are going through this, I'm sorry you are hurting, I wish there was something I can say to help or make it all go away, but I can't and I'll I can do is let you know that if you need anything from me or just want to talk, you know I'm here for you". The last thing she will want to hear is that you understand, becuz let's face it, you don't.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms