What are your all's thoughts regarding step-parents and how much involvement they should have when live are married to/engaged to the custodial parent?

Katrina - posted on 11/12/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I am just trying to get some feedback on what people feel is appropriate for a step-parent to be involved in. My fiance's son came to live with "us" when he was 5. We have a daughter together, so I have always felt it best to treat both of them as my own simply to prevent any feelings of one being more important than the other. In no way do I try to claim the now 9 year old as my son, but I do set consequences, have stern talks with, and ask BOTH children to do things. My fiance is the custodial parent and has his son through the week. We live together and it seems like any time I have a concern or a question, people bash me for being "too involved". The child does live with us, we are the only ones currently supporting his son, and we are the only ones regularly involved in his life such as sports, his schooling, and his day-to-day activities. I see some people say by all means a step-parent should be just as involved as the parents if they are supporting the child. On the other end I have people saying I am not the mother and that in no way should I be putting my 2 cents in or even trying to talk to the child's mother at all. I guess I am expected to be something like a friend who looks after my soon-to-be-stepson. I just want to create a family environment where everyone is treated as an equal. Is that wrong?

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Katrina - posted on 11/13/2012

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I do agree... I NEVER hit/spank/etc. He has given me permission to if it comes to that, but I opt for the talking things through approach and using time out or taking away privileges. My fiancee definitely backs me up. I only do things based on how he would handle it. Certain things his son does doesn't bother me, but I know my fiancee expects his son to act a certain way. So when I am watching him I have to "punish" him for something I don't see a problem with. That is how our family environment works... Daddy is the parent, I just go along and respect his parenting methods. And no his mother and I do not get along by any means... but this is the reason why. She doesn't think that I as his soon-to-be-stepmom as well as the person who pays for the house he lives in, should be allowed to ask her son to do anything or give consequences even if I am the one watching him.

Holly - posted on 11/13/2012

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ALSO I must say that if somebody is NOT in a step parenting situation they don't know anything about being a step parent, regardless of if they think they do or not!

Dove - posted on 11/13/2012

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If what you are doing works for your entire family... what difference does it make what anyone else thinks/says about it?



I know step-parents that were/are 100% involved in raising the kid/kids and the bio parent of that gender hasn't seen the kid/kids in over a decade. I also know step-parents that I wouldn't trust alone in the same room as the kid/kids... It depends entirely on your situation and people not IN that situation can only give their opinion... which tends to be biased based on THEIR situations and experiences.

Holly - posted on 11/13/2012

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just remember that you are not the parent... you should never lay a hand on this child... but YOU have every right to have rules and set consequences... and as long as you have your fiancee backing you 100% you have every right to dole out discipline, but only when your fiancee has your back 100%... you can not go behind the child's father's back and punish him... but remember, everything you do should be done as a supportive wife/fiancee, and is a favor. you have no responsibilities to this child... the child ISN'T yours... so everything you do, isn't our of obligation, but out of love for your fiancee; and no, nothing is wrong with how you and your fiancee decided to treat his son... personally i wouldn't talk to the child's mother just because i can't stand my stepkid's mother.... but if you two get along, then great, but just like everything else, you are doing it as a FAVOR for your fiancee, out of support for your fiancee.

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