Darla - posted on 02/02/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )
Hi everyone :)
I am the very proud mother of a 15 month old little boy. He is my love, my life my absolute world.
Unfortunately things didn't work out with his father so I am also a newly single mother. I'm trying hard to balance work and spending time with my son. Right now his dad and I split custody 50/50. This is because of my work schedule. A few days a week I work 13 hour days and it's just easier and financially better to have him with his dad instead of having someone babysit him for that long a time.
This doesn't make me too happy and I'd love more time with him. I try to stay in the mindset that right now I have to do what I have to do.
I fell into a relationship with a man that presented himself as responsible, loving, loyal, caring, you name it. I became pregnant with our son and we were both ecstatic.
He promised me the world. He told me everything he planned, how he'd work his fingers to the bone if he had to, to make sure we were taken care of. I worked up until I was 8 months pregnant. I've never had a problem with working hard and taking care of myself, it's the way I've always been. I told him I'd like to stay home with our son if possible but if not we can work it out. I always had a team mentality with it.
Well, our son came and it was time for him to step it up and he just couldn't or wouldn't or some issue. The problem was, he never approached me about it, he always said we were ok, we were fine, we were caught up, but then I'd find letters in the mail to the contrary.
I tried to have faith and stick by him. He quit his job and stayed home with me for a 5 week period before even looking for work! I'd tell him that I would work if he couldn't handle it but he didn't want me to. He was waiting on this one job he applied for. I told him not to put all his eggs in one basket and maybe try to at least put in for other things, this pissed him off and was "nagging" to him. It was weird and some sort of psychological episode or fear I'm sure.
Finally we got evicted which was humiliating. He hid all the letters from me telling me we were in good standing and everything was fine. Meanwhile I was dying inside. This man swore to provide for us and seemingly wasn't even trying.. If he approached me, if he said "hey babe, I thought I could do this but I'm having trouble", we could have worked together and made something happen.
The worst part about it is he blames me. He blames me for not supporting him, for coming down on him, for saying that he couldn't provide for us... well could he??!! I know that it is a very bad thing to nag and come down on your man all of the time, but how much do you have to let slide before you say something at all??
I started working in the summer a few shifts for extra cash to supplement our income. A few more shifts opened up and I scooped them up. Soon I was working full-time and making decent money, in fact more than he'd made weekly all year. I noticed the more I worked, the more he backed off working. He left 2 jobs because his boss was "an asshole", that's very responsible when you have a small child to provide for isn't it?
He finally got a somewhat decent job with the promise that eventually he could make some decent money. It doesn't turn out to be so great but he sticks with it and I support him through it. As long as I know he's really trying I'm ok.
So his work team goes out for dinner for xmas and drinks after. I'm working a double shift at my job. He gets drunk at the bar afterward and hooks up with a random girl at the bar. He doesn't even tell me and wouldn't have if I didn't see him x out of his texts really quickly when I walked into the living room at 1am.
He passes out, I snoop in his phone and see it. What a slap in the face after everything. I tell him in the morning that I saw it and he blames me because I nagged him for the past year. Actually first I was an "asshole" for looking in his phone. I drove him to work that morning (yes, he doesn't have a car), went back , packed our stuff and moved the baby and I out.
So now we are separated. I feel like the anchor holding me down has been released. I'm able to save more money and enjoy time with my son much more. I'd rather my little boy see his mom positive and happy than sad the way I was.
I think my ex has problems. This wasn't the first time I had caught him up to no good. I saw sex emails he was exchanging with another girl when I was pregnant. I found them when our son was only a few weeks old and I felt a little trapped. I had no confidence to leave him at the time. I also know that he's done this to girls in the past when things aren't going well. Unfortunately I didn't find any of this out until after we had our son.
There are a TON more details to this story, this is the abridged version. Just want to get it out there.
So this is my situation now. Hopefully one day I can have my son with me more, I really don't like feeling like a part time mom. I want him to consider being home when he's with me. I just feel like he won't understand that I'm doing it for him and so we'll have more money. I feel like all he knows is his time with me. We'll see though. Dust still has to settle.
So here I am, 34 and a single mom :) it's not nearly as bad as I thought so far.
I first came here to read about cheating and other women's stories. They were actually very helpful in letting me see patterns and what's good and bad.
To me, everyone makes mistakes. If it were a kiss or something and he was broken up about it enough to the point where he came home, admitted it to me, apologized or something, maybe I could see forgiving him. What he did and the way he did it spoke highly of his character.
I'm a little upset that he's my son's male role model at this point. This is all so new though, who knows what the dynamic will be.
What I'm having trouble with now is my son getting used to spending a little time here, then a little time there. I feel like it's frantic for him and I hope he gets used to it soon. I'm also struggling with feelings of resentment toward my ex-fiance.