what can i do if 4year old askng me to hide him so dad not take him away

Isobell - posted on 04/21/2011 ( 200 moms have responded )

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sons been liven with dad as dad took him boxing day even though i vist him and try to keep things normal my boy becomes very upset when i leave and dad plls him off me and locks the car doors so he cant get out son is upset for days and wont talk to me on the phone i to call back for few days then he talks to me but now hes saying hes going to wait until dad is asleep and jumpout the window and stuff dads due to come get him in few days ive tried talking to his dad but he says he cant live without him,please what can i do its very upsetting

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Um.... if there is no court order you should BOTH have equal rights right now. Meaning you have just as much right to keep him as his father does. Father or not, I certainly wouldn't be sending my son somewhere he didn't want to go unless a court order was making me do it.... at least not until I could find out WHY my son is feeling this way.

Kat - posted on 04/21/2011

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Maybe your son is missing you terribly and the forced removal from you is causing trauma in his little world. Try couseling to learn new ways to diffuse the situaltion of leaving you. Letting him know that you are still here for him and want to see him too, but it's daddy's turn and he loves you too, etc. and you can talk on the phone or better yet use webcam & headset on Skypes for a daily visit. And if there is something amiss it will spotted by a couselor at the very least and dealt with in a positive manner.

Samantha - posted on 04/22/2011

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I would schedule counseling right away. I'm sure you have him one full day, take him. Don't hesitate, something serious could be going on. Regardless, he needs help to deal with the change obviously. Don't wait, it could lead to sooo many emotional problems :(

MaryJane - posted on 04/27/2011

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I've been reading replies here and must say that you are being given some excellent advice. I am a retired social worker and this really concerns me. As you've been told here, because there is no cort ordered custody, you have as much right to your son as his father does. Remember that YOU DO HAVE RIGHTS. It is very important that you and your son go for counseling. I also caught in here that you also have a daughter. I think you said she is there too. Even if she is not showing any signs of a problem, she should be in the counseling as well. There could be so many reasons why your son is behaving as he is. Among these are both innocent and not so innocent reasons. It's those not so innocent reasons we worry about. Take your children to a counselor. Don't tell their father you are going to do it ... just do it. And do it soon.

Fernanda - posted on 04/25/2011

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I don't understand why you have not contacted the police...or go somewhere to get legal advice. Dad cannot just take your son away...you as Mom have rights to your son as Dad does...no one can take your children away...there must be some other way that you both can see your son in a way that is not going to negatively affect your child. The child is the one that suffers the most. Please try to find work out visitations that will not traumatize your child. Good Luck and be strong ...for yourself but most of all for your child.

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Lisa - posted on 05/11/2011

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first of all find out what the bottom line is .. there is more to the issue. something is going on you should know about...if you have no court order custody paper giving him the sole custody of the child the law is you do not have to send him home.. he can call the cops but they will inform him they cannot send the child home with hime without a court order. nor will they go get the child and take him back to the father.. but the problem is WHAT is going on that he doesnt want to go home.. call the local DHS office and ask for a counsilor..they will provide you with one to help..

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 05/09/2011

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@ Jane I really hope I didn't come off as rude. I know a lot of people who speak English as a 2nd language and I know it's one of the hardest to learn (the other is French- at least IMO) I'm a bit of a spelling Nazi and have gone as far as to tell my husband I've no idea what he's talking about and ask if my inlaws have issues with spell check.

Ok on to matters at hand. Isobel I'd suggest going back to court and getting a law guardian to speak with your child and on your child's behalf. I know that sometimes going with another parent can be stressful. I live in NY and my ex lives in GA and we have it in our visitation that he gets to have her for two weeks during the summer (she's 6) and when he took her last summer she bawled from NY to SC because he decided he'd drive instead of fly. Does your ex realise what he's doing to your child and that the child is uncomfortable going with him? You should tell him that he's making your son scared by his actions and that could help.
Of course I'm assuming that your ex is reasonable. If not then you should be getting family court involved or a counselor.

Jay - posted on 05/09/2011

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@ Megan and Whitney
Ha, you guys both sound like my mum! she hates when we (her kids) dont write things properly and she hates predictive txts!
She has come across kinda rude (no offence) on facebook, when she has told people she couldn't understand them for whatever reason and they should spell things correctly! haha
Glad things worked out okay for you Isobell, maybe you should stil make sure everything is okay at dad's and make sure he does get to see his dad if it is just that he is missing you :( poor little darling! xxxxx

Mommy - posted on 05/09/2011

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Whitney, I agree with you, and I don't think you were being rude. It's hard to offer help when you can't decipher what the person is saying. I think people are jumping all over you, when your intention was just to be able to understand her better so that you coulde offer advice.

@Elaine- so are you saying that before your child was 6 years old you wouldn't let their dad take them on vacation away from home, even if you were still together? There is no reason why a child can't adapt to weekend sleepovers at dad's. In fact, I myself am a step-mother, and my step-daughter has that exact schedule, since she has been 2. Don't you think it is more detrimental for the child to not have a strong bond with their father? And before you jump on me for only seeing one side, I am also the child of divorced parents, so I see it from all angles.

[deleted account]

Isobell, I am so glad to read that your son is with you! I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. I know I would hate to be separated from my two boys.

Patricia - posted on 05/06/2011

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i would never let my kids daddy have them full time it would rip my heart out to be without them

User - posted on 05/06/2011

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there really isn't a lot that you can do. Talk to your son about how much fun he is going to have with his Dad and try to get him excited about it. talk to his Dad and try to make sure that he plans some fun activities to do with his son while he is there so he will be happy to visit with him. No child is going to want to go to Dad's if he is stuck entertaining himself while his Dad watches tv or does work.

Jay - posted on 05/06/2011

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I agree with Teresa, Get someone to talk to your son right away! There might be something happening that is not good ( I hope not). Get him to talk about his dad, the girlfriend and the nanny.
My nephews where the same, they screamed whn my mum had to take them home and didnt want their dad to drop them home and it turned out their mums boyfriend was hitting them. so do get it checked out. I hope your son is just missing you, although saying JUST sounds bad when it is about your precious child missing you :( xx

Keri - posted on 05/06/2011

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I would say something is happening at dad's house. I am not saying he is being abused, but something is going on that is upsetting him and to be forced to go with dad is very traumatic. I would try counselling and see if they can get some idea of what is going on. They have the skills to get a child to open up and talk about what is going on and can hopefully get to the root of the problem. I wish you good luck.

User - posted on 05/05/2011

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Someone may have said this already. Let me see if I have this right. The father took the son to his house and told you he was staying there and not going home to you. Then the child is distraut when you take him back to his dads, or the dad picks him up. Have all of these conversations been in front of the child? If I was a child and heard all of this, of course I would want my mom to hide me since my dad won't let me stay with mom. Think about it, your son thinks he is not going to see you again, why because he can not live with mom and dad won't let him go. He is scared he will loose you forever. You need to reassure him alot that mom and dad love him both and as parents you need to work out a visiting time that is appropriate. Never let the child see any disgust about going to visit the other, and let them know you will see them again soon, in so many days, so they know you are coming back. It teaches them to count too as a plus. Your child has become insecure because of being yanked around. He has anxiety because of the insecurity. As parents you have the responsibility to be adults. Try to refrain from talking bad about the dad whie he is with you. That will make him think dad is bad, if he is or not. You need to relax so your child can relax in the stiuation he is in with his new living arrangements. If you tell your child you will be there, then be there, like pick up time or return day. It will help what he is going through, his whole world is upside down. And a bit of counseling may help for him to adjust, maybe for you to adjust too. But until you both get into couseling, think about your son and how you can help him grow into a mature adult, since his father has some growing up to do too, that leaves you, kids learn by example. Best of luck.

LaQuita - posted on 05/05/2011

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I'm so happy that things are going ok for u and your son. But as u stated it happened unexpectedly and u don't know the reasoning behind it so for your son's sake go ahead with your plans for seeking sole custody with the dad getting supervised visits until your little one is old enough to tell you what's going on. I wish u and son the best of luck.

Vjolca - posted on 05/05/2011

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Excuse me Whitney, then you should have not strayed from the topic and focussed on your "request" for better grammar. Once again, instead of likely embarrassing her, you could have just moved on. You may think it's not rude because it wasn't your intention to be so, but it is. Imagine yourself as this woman. After she even posted that all is well, you post such criticism, or request as you put it. I'm not trying to be confrontational. I could have done without the "excuse me". This is an open post, however one should always use filters. I made it clear from the beginning, i'm not looking to offend anyone and people should be more considerate. Perhaps English is her language, but you don't know that for sure. Simple, be kind.

Whitney - posted on 05/05/2011

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Excuse me, Vjolca, but I was not rude at all in my request for clearer writing. I am concerned about this woman and her son and want to offer my advice, which is what this forum is for. Even people learning the English language learn that sentences need periods, etc. Why don't we focus on the point of Isobell's post instead of my tip on how to be better understood. Furthermore, her writing does not at all sound like a non-native spearker, it looks like someone who didn't bother to take the time to even focus on what she was saying.

User - posted on 05/05/2011

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I agree with Vjolca Asllani How do you know they speak english that well... Not everyone is a native english speaker/speller...

User - posted on 05/05/2011

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Sounds like there may be some kind of abuse going on to me. I am a teacher and I have seen a similar situation where the child didn't want to go with a parent. Therapy and mediator sounds like the way to go.

Vjolca - posted on 05/05/2011

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I understand how someone may not be able to read someone's post. But then if you do have trouble understanding, you move on. You don't criticize them on their grammar when that is least of their worries. If you find them tedious, it is unnecessary to be rude. Again, this woman is obviously alone. She needed someone to help her get her thoughts together. The purpose of these posts is to give her advice to what she's asking, not criticize on a matter that can possibly be offensive to her. It's basically referring to her as unintelligent. If you want to grade her on her grammar, do it without posting it. It's belittling. She needs strength, not a reason to feel inadequate. i

Nompumelelo - posted on 05/05/2011

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HAYI SISI DO YOU THINK IT IS RIGHT FOR HIS FATHER TO SHUT HIM INSIDE HIS CAR AND TAKE HIM BY FORCE IN YOUR ARMS NO SISI IT'S ALL IN FRONT OF YOU, YOU DONT NEED ANYTHING ELSE NO ONE WILL TREAT MY CHILD LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF ME, THINK OF HOW HE TREAT HIM WHEN YOU NOT THERE PLEASE WAKE UP GAL.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 05/05/2011

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I'm actually with Whitney on the spelling and grammar it is easier to understand what someone's talking about when they spell properly, I understand she's worried about her son- trust me I've a daughter whom I have to allow see her father on the other end of the country who's more concerned about the amount of money it costs to visit her than the actual visit. But I don't enjoy trying to decipher someone's meaning. No you don't need a Phd in literature but you should have a grasp of basic English when you post so people can understand what you're saying better and not have to read through it 10 times. We're all adults on here we should be able to use proper spelling grammar with the exception of accidental typos and minor mispellings. I have the same arguement with my husband when he says how it's just an IM or just a post online. I tend to tell him, yes but it's also just my eyes, But I'm kind of a grammar and spelling freak so don't take offense.

As someone who's been in this scenerio where the child is acting strange about visiting the non custodial parent I can say that you do have the right to refuse visitation within reason, but you have to be careful about how you do it so you don't risk losing custody. Talk to the police about this as well because they can try to get involved in these situtations. Yeah I had to deal with something like this a few years ago when my ex drove 3hrs after a blizzard to try and take our daughter (who was 2 at the time) when he didn't have permission from NY just TX and TX has no jurisdiction over our daughter. The cops laughed at him and nearly arrested him for trespassing and some other stuff. So depending on your visitation for right now you can refuse him especially since he's a flight risk. But I would definitely get in contact with family court and ask if you can get a law guardian appointed for your child prior to the court date and trial.

Nompumelelo - posted on 05/04/2011

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Hey this is a serious matter and you should listen to your child before it's too late, it doesn't matter if there was nothing to worry about at the end but you must always be caution more especialy your kids, or you can try and to ask your daughter of what's going on in a nice way but for now i dont think you should let him "father" take your son until you sort out this.
Gud luck!!!!!

Vjolca - posted on 05/04/2011

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No offense Whitney, but what does grammar and punctuation have to do with her situation. Perhaps it was the writing of a frantic woman. Or even, maybe, English is her second language. Regardless, you don't have to have a PHd in literature to be a mother. Her instincts are important and they're telling her to protect her son, which she has. Isobel, I'm very happy things are working out. You're a good mother. There are women in this world that turn a blind eye to certain things, grammatically correct and incorrect women. However, you are one to look at the problem straight forward. All you needed was a "little shoulder to lean on" for a minute and you did it.

Whitney - posted on 05/04/2011

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It would help us understand your situation a lot better if you'd use punctuation and proper grammar. This sounds serious and I hope you figure something out. Don't bother "praying about it"....get out there and make sure your son is getting the care he deserves!

Whitney - posted on 05/04/2011

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It would help us understand your situation a lot better if you'd use punctuation and proper grammar. This sounds serious and I hope you figure something out. Don't bother "praying about it"....get out there and make sure your son is getting the care he deserves!

[deleted account]

First thing that comes to mind is that something is going on that your son is not willing to talk about yet. It could be abuse of some kind. You need to sit down and talk to your son and find out why he doesn't want to go back to his Dad's house. Ask him in child language such as is Daddy hurting you or doing something that makes you not want to go home with him. If that doesn't work and he is school age talk to the school counselor and ask her/him to talk to your son and find out why he doesn't want to stay with his Dad.

I suspect, based on four years as a foster parent, that something may be up and you need to find out what is going on.

Elaine - posted on 05/04/2011

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Hi there. I am no professional but I am a mother and I was also a single parent once. I had full custody - we were divorced when my son was 2. When he was 3 my ex and his girlfriend insisted that my son come every 2nd weekend for a full weekend - Friday to Sunday and my son started behaving very strangely and also did not want to go. There were no problems with his dad - he just needed mommy. You see till a certain age a child needs that security, I went to see a lawyer and she wrote a letter stating that kids are not meant to sleep out till the age of 6 or so. I had the letter sent to his dad - end of story - he did not sleep out till the age of 6. He did at a later stage hide from his dad cause he did not want to go with him and I just said 'thats it. No reason why my son should suffer when it's not his fault his parents are not together". His father did not talk to us for a while but that was ok. Maintenance was a minimum but God brought us through it all. Today my son is 18 and he is a son to be proud of. You hang in there Isobel - just do your best. We arent all perfect but you got to show your son that you will fight for him and always be there for him. My husband's mother left him when he was 2 - she left her two boys with their father and believe me the hangups that are created never quite leave that person. So please be there for your child and show him you are. I shall be praying for you that all works out. Let us know!!!!

Jen - posted on 05/04/2011

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unfortunately if no one has established custody and both are listed on the birth cert. both have equal rights and unless there is proof of child endangerment the police won't get involved. If she is afraid of him running with the child if she pushes the issue of him staying with her. She is doing the right thing at the moment trying to get the courts involved. My uncle wasn't listed on the certificate but brought his son home from the hosp. and raised him from birth alone. The "mom" only came to visit once a year. Then asked to take him for week visits in the summer when he got school age. Then all of a sudden she didn't return him after the summer when he was in 3rd grade. The police said there is no custody established so he didn't have rights to call it kidnapping. To this day the child is still with the mom and the dad is paying child support 3yrs later.

Isobell - posted on 05/04/2011

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OK hi was a big week end but the son is now liven with me again im not sure what the heck happened and why but looks like i got though to dad im still going to go for custodial because im not goin to have dad take him again just because he can son is evea so happy and hes stop saying strange things which is great thanks all for ur help and ur out look on things i read them all and agreed and disagreed but all in all its come good for know

ANN - posted on 05/04/2011

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kindly search the reason to why your boy wants to leave the dad. there could be something more serious happening...................... you are the mother take action immediately. you might loose you boy watch out please.

RACHEAL - posted on 05/04/2011

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I think you can file for the custody of your son....you know here in Kenya a child is usually considered to be with his/her mother until he/she reaches 18 years old and until this time he/she will decide if she/he still want to live with the mother or father...please do your son a favour by claiming for his custody....i have a son and i love him very much...and i can't let him be with father alone when am not around him.Thankyou!

Andrina - posted on 05/03/2011

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If the sons dad cant live without him, it should never be your sons problem. The father needs to take a look at himself and get himself some help, that is way to much responcibility on the poor boy. Now if the boy is living with his Dad for other reasons then it might be better to have someone else there, to bring your son, and also take him back to his dads so its not like its your fault and he doesnt have those feeling towards you for days and days.
If your son is not living with you, and really wants to, for no other reason than his dad cant live without him, then you need to get your son back!!!! Its not about you, or his dad, its about this poor kid, who by the sounds of things, just wants his Mum! Good luck. Remember its not about anyone but your son and your sons well being.

LaQuita - posted on 05/03/2011

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My son cries when it comes to him going with his dad, but it's never gotten as bad. I don't care how much he claims to miss his son if he cared at all he would let the baby stay with u and visit more with the both of u frequently until your son becomes comfortable around him. I'm sure you're suited to care for your son and if u present what's going on to a lawyer, judge, police officer they have to help your son. Next time record his dad TAKING him away from u which is where he FEELS SAFE as well as u trying to talk to him on the phone. If u don't want the dad to know try getting a friend to help using a cell that records. PLEASE keep trying to help your son b/c he NEEDS u!!!

Alexandra - posted on 05/03/2011

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maybe there is something going on that you don't know over there? I would take action immediately.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 05/03/2011

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I don't know the whole story since I've only just jumped in here, but I'm with Shannon. Sounds like you need a new custody order and your ex isn't being very helpful. In fact the whole 'can't live with out him' thing sounds like some kind of emotional abuse for you. I don't really want to think of what he's doing to the kid. But you should really contact family court and get some help fast.

@ Emily the laws in Canada are the same as in the States reguarding vistitation and such.

Shannon - posted on 05/03/2011

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It sounds like u need to go back to court and file for a new custody agreement and see your son more.

Andrea - posted on 05/03/2011

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Does the Dad have legal custody of your son? How many children do you have with this man? Have you talk with other kids? Even if you want to keep peace with the father. You must be VERY sure that your child is safe mentally & phsycally when he's with Dad.

Emily - posted on 05/03/2011

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why doesn't he want be with his dad? maybe there is a problem that needs to be confronted.

Nicole - posted on 05/03/2011

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as a child that hated staying with one parent. ( my father) i would go to my moms and cry and beg not to be sent back. no one listened to me. not my mother or grandmother. then one day my dad went and started a comotion on my Friends properity. he was the boy that was taking me to homecoming. yelling at him threating him all over a note that said he liked me and wanted to take me out for the night. and how i was his first kiss. my dad went nuts. so my dates mom called the sherrif.

in front of 203 other band members i was dragged off the marching band practice field by the back of my next verbally abused hit and be littled. finally two months later the school got involved once they saw it was serious and childrens services got involved and told my mom if you dont take her she goes to foster care till 18. grant it i was older when this happened but this kind of behavior went on in that home from the day i was born. even my therapist who had worked from 3rd grade till i was a senior could not believe some of the crap and stunts my father would pull. she told us had she not met him some of the things were too f ar fetched to believe. to this day i keep contact limited very limited. believe your child when they are actually scared. I can say im pretty messed up from living in horror most of my life but since being out of there its been better. being on my own has been amazing i know logert live in fear of cars that look like my dad's i dont avoid certain shopping stores and im starting to get my life back slowly and its been 9 years since i have left. it's best to get a child out while they are young.

LA - posted on 05/03/2011

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No way in hell would I send my kid off with a man that has already taken off with another kid. Grow some balls woman and protect your child. Go back to court and ask for an emergency hearing or don't send him anymore. This child could be experiencing serious trauma by this man. If you're afraid of him as a grown woman can you imagine how a little kid would be experiencing your fear. Kids are really smart and you need to listen and act on your child's behaviour. Protect your child !.

Amy - posted on 05/03/2011

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Video tape these conversations and son's reaction. Have someone else video tape when son has to be pulled off of you. Write every instance down, what son says, etc. Then call a lawyer.

[deleted account]

Isobell, please keep us posted. I hope you are able to get through this, and that the courts will be of help to you. I'll especially keep your son in my prayers.

Mary - posted on 05/02/2011

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sounds like the father has a control issue. if you are afraid of him chances are the child/ren are as well. speaking of him running with said minor/s you need to notify the courts and child advocates of this because that could mean he is capable of harming the minors to keep them away from you. I know it sounds dreadful but desperate people do desperate things. I pray everything goes your way and you get sole custody because it sounds like he is very dangerous.

Timeka - posted on 05/02/2011

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did anyone stop and think maybe its the new gf causing the problems. She stated that there was no problems until the new gf was involved. Maybe the child is having issues with the new gf and not getting along or that gf doesnt want him or something. With the father being gone 10 hrs or more a day doesnt seem like he spends enough time at home to know what is truely going on. Try talking to dad and see if he knows there is something going on.. No child at the age of 4 would want to be away from anyone unless there is something going on. Please keep us updated.

Laural - posted on 05/02/2011

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Of course your kid is traumatized. He is being ripped out of your arms and locked in a car. What kind of animal does that to their kids? WHY are you letting him? You are in an abusive situation. Get yourself to a women's shelter with your son and wait for any court decision there.

Kathleen - posted on 05/02/2011

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find the source. try to find out what it is that your son is so afraid of or uncomfortable with. then address that issue.

April - posted on 05/02/2011

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im not sure if this is the case with your family and i dont want to pry but if he intimidates you and gets violent in front of your son and you are scared of him get a restraining order against him and then if he wants your son he has to bring a cop or dcf officer with him to pick him up. the dad doesn't have the right to take him unless there is a custody order in effect. Keep him and if you know dad is comming call the police department and tell them there is not a custody order in effect and dad says he's going to take him and run. if hes done it in the past and you reported it then they will know he has a history of it. best of luck for you and your son and stay strong for him and you.

Emily - posted on 05/02/2011

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Isobell...do you live in the US or Canada? I asked because you mentioned Boxing Day. The laws may be different if you live in Canada. We should keep that in mind. I will keep you both in my prayers.

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