what do

Jessica - posted on 09/09/2011 ( 182 moms have responded )

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For the longest time it has been brought up that I should get my tubes tied. I havent even considerd it til my husband told me to get it done. We already have 3 kids 4, 2 and 2 weeks old. I stated that i dont want it . Then finally agreed to get it done. I havent it done yet but sheduled to soon n the more i think about it the less i want it. What if i do this n regret it or he devorices me n i cant afford to reverse it. He brings up us spliting up more times i can count n honestly i dont think it worth to do something i dont want to for someone who dont want to be with me. I just dont know what to do

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Amanda - posted on 09/09/2011

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Why is your husband ever talking about splitting up??? If my husband EVER brought up about us splitting up, I sure would be questioning him about it. And why doesnt your hubby get fixed? There is zero down time for a man unlike woman.

Tracy - posted on 09/10/2011

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Tell him since he is the one that knows he does not want anymore kids then he can get a vasectomy and that way he can be the one responsible for not having more children. I believe a vasectomy is a lot cheaper also.

JuLeah - posted on 09/09/2011

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Reread your post as if a friend had written it, I think you have your answer.

Doesn't sound as if he has a lot of respect for you

The operation for men is less invasive. I know men who opt to get that done because they care about their wives too much to have them go under the knife ... just saying

[deleted account]

If he's bringing up splitting.... I certainly wouldn't be doing ANYTHING he's telling me to do unless it's something I want as well. The whole 'if you do this I won't leave you' type of mindset in an argument is crap. If they're thinking of leaving.... nothing you do or don't do will change that unless the two of you are on the same page together.

I don't know if any of that made sense or if I'm just rambling, but I speak from my experience of having an 'unsatisfied' husband.... and now he's my EX husband.

Jodi - posted on 09/09/2011

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I agree with JuLeah. I am actually quite shocked at your post that your husband keeps bringing up splitting up, obviously is DEMANDING you have an invasive procedure that you don't quite know you want, and threatening to divorce you if you don't? There is something really wrong with this picture.

182 Comments

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Eileen - posted on 10/24/2011

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I guess you'd have to decide yourself if you'll want more kids with someone else as it doesn't sound like you'll have more with this man. Also having three children under the age of 5 should keep you pretty busy and you may not want to have surgery so why don't you let him know he should have it done and see what he says! Is he planning on having more babies with someone else if he is bringing up a divorce which is why he doesn't want to do it?
In any event, be sure not to get pregnant again with this man and use birth control that you are in control of and don't depend just on a condum - not safe for pregnancy if it slips while withdrawing!!

Mercedes - posted on 10/21/2011

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tell him to get fixed it goes both ways and if you dont feel like hes going to stay with you then dont waste your time in staying with him.. just because you have kids doesnt mean you HAVE to stay with him i got away from my sons dad and couldnt be happier.. i have 2 beautiful soon to be step daughters and i love them more than anything in the world.. you need to do what makes YOU happy not him..

Mercedes - posted on 10/21/2011

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tell him to get fixed it goes both ways and if you dont feel like hes going to stay with you then dont waste your time in staying with him.. just because you have kids doesnt mean you HAVE to stay with him i got away from my sons dad and couldnt be happier.. i have 2 beautiful soon to be step daughters and i love them more than anything in the world.. you need to do what makes YOU happy not him..

Bridgette - posted on 10/14/2011

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Why not use and IUD or the Pill, or condoms for awhile?? All are waayyyy less evasive than either medical procedure... at least until you guys figure out what to do... take the presure off of yourselves for awhile until you decide the best option. Also talk to your OBGYN, ask her advice. You want to be certain before making up your mind about something that could be permanent! Also, you just had a baby... when my son was 2 weeks old I don't know that I was making many rational decisions considering I was sleep deprived, my body was healing from giving birth and everyday was an emotional rollercoaster! Slow down and enjoy your baby and don't worry about the next one (or the lack thereof) unitl you are at least ready to have sex again with your husband!

Jennifer - posted on 10/14/2011

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If your husband is certain that he doesn't want anymore children then he should be the one getting a vasectomy it is less invasive and it is easier to reverse.

Marie - posted on 10/13/2011

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Risk of failure
Pregnancy may occur after vasectomy because of:

Failure to use another birth control method until the sperm count is confirmed to be zero. It usually takes 10 to 20 ejaculations to completely clear sperm from the semen.
Spontaneous reconnection of a vas deferens or an opening in one end that allows sperm to mix with the semen again. This is very rare.
Risks

The risk of complications after a vasectomy is very low. Complications may include:

Bleeding under the skin, which may cause swelling or bruising.
Infection at the site of the incision. In rare instances, an infection develops inside the scrotum.
Sperm leaking from a vas deferens into the tissue around it and forming a small lump (sperm granuloma). This condition is usually not painful, and it can be treated with rest and pain medication. Occasionally, surgery may be needed to remove the granuloma.
Inflammation of the tubes that move sperm from the testicles (congestive epididymitis).
In rare cases, the vas deferens grows back together (recanalization), and the man becomes fertile again.

Marie - posted on 10/13/2011

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Risk of failure
Pregnancy may occur after vasectomy because of:

Failure to use another birth control method until the sperm count is confirmed to be zero. It usually takes 10 to 20 ejaculations to completely clear sperm from the semen.
Spontaneous reconnection of a vas deferens or an opening in one end that allows sperm to mix with the semen again. This is very rare.
Risks

The risk of complications after a vasectomy is very low. Complications may include:

Bleeding under the skin, which may cause swelling or bruising.
Infection at the site of the incision. In rare instances, an infection develops inside the scrotum.
Sperm leaking from a vas deferens into the tissue around it and forming a small lump (sperm granuloma). This condition is usually not painful, and it can be treated with rest and pain medication. Occasionally, surgery may be needed to remove the granuloma.
Inflammation of the tubes that move sperm from the testicles (congestive epididymitis).
In rare cases, the vas deferens grows back together (recanalization), and the man becomes fertile again.

Marie - posted on 10/13/2011

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Risk of failure
Pregnancy may occur after vasectomy because of:

Failure to use another birth control method until the sperm count is confirmed to be zero. It usually takes 10 to 20 ejaculations to completely clear sperm from the semen.
Spontaneous reconnection of a vas deferens or an opening in one end that allows sperm to mix with the semen again. This is very rare.
Risks

The risk of complications after a vasectomy is very low. Complications may include:

Bleeding under the skin, which may cause swelling or bruising.
Infection at the site of the incision. In rare instances, an infection develops inside the scrotum.
Sperm leaking from a vas deferens into the tissue around it and forming a small lump (sperm granuloma). This condition is usually not painful, and it can be treated with rest and pain medication. Occasionally, surgery may be needed to remove the granuloma.
Inflammation of the tubes that move sperm from the testicles (congestive epididymitis).
In rare cases, the vas deferens grows back together (recanalization), and the man becomes fertile again.

Marie - posted on 10/13/2011

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I do not see him divorcing you. He could not afford the child support on three kids under 5 years of age.

Marie - posted on 10/13/2011

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vasectomies do not work sometimes and she has 3 now. If it was me I would be happy with the 3. Children cost an average of $100,000 to raise to age 18.

Marie - posted on 10/13/2011

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I think you need to do it. You have 3 kids and that is enough for anyone. Think of the educational cost for college.

Jessica - posted on 10/12/2011

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Don't do anything your not 100% sure you want to do. And don't do anything like that for someone who is not for sure they want to stay with you!!!

p.s. Our names are VERY similar -lol-

Eileen - posted on 10/10/2011

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It's easier and less of an issue if he gets his tubes tied!! Have you asked him about that? And even if you do split up, you have three kids under the age of 4 - I don't know that you will want to have more children - being a single mom of 3 kids doesn't leave much time to date and find someone you'll want to start a family with - likely most men already have children too. In today's economy, raising children is costing more and more. As I said, tell him to have his tubes tied and FYI, even if he uses a condom, accidents happen so be sure you also take responsibility for birth control.

Roxanne - posted on 10/09/2011

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I wanted to get the esure (Sp?) type of tubule ligation but after consulting my doctor, it wasn't right for me- I would have complications. I don't want more kids and hubby is on board with me there. He was there with me when I talked to the doc about it and after the appt, he looked at me and said "If you don't want to do it, don't. I didn't know there were so many risks." and this was before we found out that it wasn't an option for me. I have the Mirena and am pretty happy with it. Every 5yrs, I'll just go and get it replaced. No worries!!!

Juli - posted on 10/09/2011

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It's you body your choice. If he doesn't want any more kids tell him to get himself fixed!! its not major surgery for him as it is you. Only do it if you are sure you never want any more kids!! If he refuses well it's his responsability not just yours!! I will have 2 kids (hubby 3) in 5 days (repeat c section) we have talked about it and I will have an IUD put in and maybe have another kid in a few years. I too am being told by some to get my tubes tied during the c section. But It is my choice not theirs and my Hubby respects that. Just not other family members. I told hubby the same thing asking or telling me to do that is just like me telling him to get fixed!! If He doesn't want to or won't do it, he has no right to make you!!

Roxanne - posted on 10/09/2011

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It's your body. If you don't want to do it, don't! Have him get a vasectomy if he's pushing it. Getting your tubes tied is more evasive than him getting snipped.

Mimoza - posted on 09/28/2011

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Dear Jessica I have 2 boys 5 and 4 but financially I don't stand very good at all. for now i don't want anymore children but i am only 24 so when i am a bit older i want another kid. so i decided to put birth control Mirena it closed my tubes and i am not getting pregnant. I have it on for 4 years now, and never had a problem. the good thing is that you can take it off whenever u want.. :D i hope u make the wright decision.

Jessica - posted on 09/22/2011

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I didn't want to do it either so we decided the next best option was to just have a IUD put in. I think that was the best desion that I made. I don't think that you should have your tubes tied if you don't want to. Its your body after all tell him to have a vasectomy if he doesn't want to have any more children and see how quick he changes his mind.

Diane - posted on 09/16/2011

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if that is how he feels then you not meant to be cause it is your choice and your body

Shannon - posted on 09/14/2011

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In reply to a post by Julia about vasectomies being linked to seizures...that is total crap. No respectable medical studies have ever linked that. There are risks with vasectomies, as with any surgical procedure. But they are about the same as having your wisdom teeth pulled. Possible risks are infection at the incision site, possible (but rare) regrowth of the vas, and possible spermatoceles, which are small cysts (sometimes painful but not always), that develop on the vas. Please don't post things that are alarming just to make your opinions sound more appealing! I worked for a Urologist at a teaching hospital for over ten years and saw thousands of men (including my own husband!) come in for vasectomies. Now, look at the risks and recovery for a tubal ligation and you will see that it makes the most sense for the man to have the procedure. If he is afraid of the very quick office procedure, then I suggest looking into an IUD or something long term like that. But if you have doubts, don't have something that invasive and permanent done.

Michelle - posted on 09/14/2011

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If you are having doubts you shouldn't go through with it. You will start to blame him for "making" you do it and it could push you further apart.

Like some of the others have said, why can't he have a vasectomy? My hubby had it done because as he said, I was the one to give birth to 3 children naturally so it's the least he could do. It's an hour at the most and hubby said it wasn't painful. For the rest of the day he kept asking me when the pain would set in.

If niether of you want to do any permanent birth control you'll just have to sick with the usual methods of the pill or condoms or even the IUD/Mirena.

Wendy - posted on 09/14/2011

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Don't do it. If he does not want any more children with you, tell him to get "fixed" himself!

Merry - posted on 09/14/2011

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My husband will get a vasectomy when we are done having babies. He says it's only fair!

Donna - posted on 09/14/2011

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The snip for a man is a simple operation what you are thinking of doing is major surgery. Did he go through childbirth? NO YOU did marridge is pantership it is HIS turn!

Danielle - posted on 09/14/2011

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If you dont want to then dont, tell him to get the snip!!
As the other ladies have said if he's bringing up splitting up then he doesnt respect you. x

Janessa - posted on 09/13/2011

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Don't do anything permanent if it isn't what you want to do, but if your marriage is worth it to you and to him, don't get pregnant either, you could get an IUD or something like that that isn't permanent. I hope things work out better for you. Sorry you are going through this.

Nayanda - posted on 09/13/2011

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Answer these questions honestly. If you divorce, would you want to have another child with a new husband thereby having children with different last names blended in one household? Can you handle raising 3 or 4 children by yourself? Do you want more children with your husband?He doesn't seem to want more children with you. Maybe you should discuss with your doctor about the alternatives. There have been cases when tubes have been untied so it isn't necessarily permanent. There are cases when pregnancy occurs after the tubes are tied. There seems to be something deeper here. I suggest you sit back and ask yourself what would make you happy and stand by it only if you are willing to accept the consequences.

Jakira - posted on 09/13/2011

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Don't let him make a decision for you it's your body and you will have to live with it not him.

Amanda - posted on 09/13/2011

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Don't get it done tell him to go get done if he always talking about spliting up then you should have his stuff in a trash bag by the door and then hit him hard for child support if your not sure then don't do it

[deleted account]

Some additional information for all of you who have posted. Vasectomies are linked to long-term medical issues including seizures. Why would you put your husbands through that? NFP respects both the wife's femininity and the husband's masculinity as God intended. And no NFP does not necessarily mean lots of children. Please respect your husbands as much as you want to be respected by them. Both vasectomies and tubal ligations have nasty long-term health risks. YUCK!

Nicole - posted on 09/13/2011

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Yeah I wouldn't do it. there are alternate birth controls like Mirena or IUD. Ask your DR. about your options and find out what your insurance covers. I wish you luck and congratulations on your new little addition!

Gorret - posted on 09/13/2011

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Hi Jessica, I think you should first know whether those three kids is the number you want and if it is yes then go ahead and do it but if no then don't do it. That decision once done means you can't reverse it and I think if your husband is sure he wants those three then let him be the one to undergo that process cause his tube that produces the sperms can be disconnected and you won't be able to conceive. Remember once that is done no reversing it so both of you have to be very sure with no regrets whatsoever.

Alaina - posted on 09/12/2011

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Its a painful procedure and if its not done correctly can cause lasting pain during intercourse. My baby is turing two in January and Im still having pain in my tubes. (had a tubal during c-section). its a lot cheaper and easier for guys to have their's snipped. a week of discomfort or months or pain and problems.... If he doesn't want kids them=n have him do it instead!

Rebekah - posted on 09/12/2011

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If it doesn't feel right to you dont get it done. You would more than likely resent him later for it and it would only put more strain on you. I would tell him if he wants it done so bad to go to it himself then. I have had it done and its way easier for men than women. If things are up in the air in your relationship you shouldnt make such a big decision anyway, if your going to do it make sure your doing it for the right reasons not because your pushed into it.

Christine - posted on 09/12/2011

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I'm sorry to say but your husband sounds like a piece of work. After your reply to my earlier comment I definitely say do NOT go through with it. Any husband that will willingly get rid of a child because he's had enough, then hangs it over his wife's head that he's going to leave her if she doesn't get a body altering procedure to prevent more "accidents" has some real issues. You deserve SO much better than this hon! Do you have any family or really close friends nearby that you could stay with for awhile? I'm really worried about this situation because your husband sounds like he is abusing you mentally and emotionally :/ I think you really need to remove you and your children from the situation until your husband gets a clue or gets some help. I'm SO sorry you are going through this Jessica!! I hope and pray it all smooths out in the end :)

Holly - posted on 09/12/2011

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Don't do it! You will be miserable. tell him to use a condom as well as you on Birth control. If he leaves, he didn't really love you. He wanted to control you.

Robin - posted on 09/12/2011

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If he is so concerned about it then he can go get a vasectomy. If you have any doubts don't do it. There are other forms of birth control.

Amanda - posted on 09/12/2011

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I would not do it unless you were 100% sure you wanted to do it. I had my tubes tied after my 3rd child, because I wanted it done, and I still had a mourning period. I was sad for a period of time just knowing I would never have another baby. I was the one who decided to have my tubes tied, because I knew I did not want to have any more children. I am very satisfied with 3 children and I feel at peace with my decision now. My point is, if you are unsure, you will most likely regret it and resent your husband for it. I would not do something so permanent unless you feel sure and confident in that decision. Also, your husband and you should be on the same page about something like this. There are other alternatives. Good luck and I wish you the best.

Portia - posted on 09/12/2011

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Ok 4 all the ladies that replied 2 my post iam having a hard time finding your comments because iam doing this from my blackberry phone,so if u like u can let me know on my email portia08@gmail.com what you posted then I shall respond back!:)

Janelle - posted on 09/12/2011

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DO NOT get MARINA...(IUD) i got it after my son was born and have regretted it every day since. he is 4 years old now. look at all of your options and if your husband leaves you over not tying your tubes, it sounds like you are better off without him!

[deleted account]

Brad is getting a vasectomy when we dont want any more children. Its easier, less invasive and he wont be on bed rest after it is done. Tubal ligation is a major surgery and takes time to recover from. Its risks are a lot higher.

Minnie - posted on 09/12/2011

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Maybe your husband might be willing to get a vasectomy....if he doesn't want more children. (Get my point). If you're not over 30 and you still feel that you might want more children, should something happen to your present husband you may remarry and want more children in the future.

Erika - posted on 09/12/2011

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If he wants a permenant solution to birth control tell him to get a vasectomy. It's less evassive for a man to have the procedure done and the recovery time is less than it is for a woman. Plus if you do split it's easier for him to get it reversed with better success than a woman

Portia - posted on 09/12/2011

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I feel like this if your husband truely loves you he will be by your side & respect your wishes,I mean you already have 3 beautiful kids so that should be enough,or maybe you are not sure what u want as well but whatever the choice maybe I wish you the best of luck!

Diana - posted on 09/12/2011

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First and foremost...Do you want more children...ever? If you think that someday you might want more children, don't do it. If something happened & he passed away due to a medical condition or accident & you remarried would you still want more children?

I had mine done because I knew that even something happened to end my marriage and if I remarried someday, I still did not want anymore children. My mother passed away at the age of 46 so for me all I could think about was my own age & mortality. For me I knew that I didn't want to have more children past the age of 30 because I was so afraid of leaving them young and without a mom. I have quite a few friends that are in their late 30's and having kids and I think that is awesome although not for me personally.

I think that if you have any doubts, don't do it. He could always get snipped if he knows he doesn't want anymore children. It's a minor procedure for him that can be done in the doctor's office (or the barn...my husband's grandparents have a farm. LOL).

Perhaps you find some counciling for yourself a big relief. Having your tubes tied is a major decision that shouldn't be entered into because someone else thinks you should. You need some support especially if you are having marital problems. I loved going to counciling because my councilor was awesome and very helpful. Sometimes you have to go to 2 or 3 before you find the perfect fit for you. It was an hour that I took for myself every 2-3 weeks to talk about anything that I wanted from the stress of 2 young children, my job, to my husband & friends. She helped me to understand & process what makes my loved ones tick so that I could better understand how I was going to handle them. She was also a fabulous sounding board. Sometimes there are things that you can tell them that you just don't want to tell your family or friends because you don't want to hurt their feelings or you just need an independent 3rd party opinion that has no stake in your decisions.

Good luck!

It is your body...you should make up your mind based on your own feelings and reason's not someone else's.

[deleted account]

It's easily for a man to get his done than a woman as everything is near the surfaced of the body and the procedure is an outpatient thing. Honestly if you don't want to do get your tubes tied, then don't. But if no more kids are wanted, then a plan of action needs to be done. Do you want more kids? Three kids is more than the average family in Canada or US. Even if you do split up, do you really think you'll want more kids? I mean kids add to your life for sure, but they are a lot of responsibility.

Why not try the IUD? It is inserted in the uterus, and I found it worked just fine. I never got pregnant while using it. It also can stay in you for a couple of years before replacing it.

There sounds like there is more to the problems you have mentioned and figuring out where your relationship is at is what you need to do.

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