what do I do about my 19 year old daughter who won't speak to me after I got divorced, her father turned her against me!

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[deleted account]

Nichole said what I was thinking only a lot nicer, so I'll just ditto her.

I'm glad you got out, but it's probably going to take a long time to undo the 16 years of damage to your daughter.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/18/2011

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I would just write her and tell her that whatever the problem is, you want to work with her on it. So when she is ready, for her please to write you. Tell her you love her, and you are there for her whenever she needs it. Just be supportive. If you don't want to lose her, just be patient and as kind as possible. Try getting her address at college and send her some cute stuff every other month so she knows you still think about her. Even if it's a cute pen/paper set for like 5$ she will think of you when she opens it and it's always nice getting gifts. I would just be as nice as possible and wait for her to come around again. She probably has lots of issues and hatred to work out on her own, and being in college is very busy and stressful so she is also going to live her own life for a while. Just remember, she spent 16 years under your husbands thumb. She has issues, period. You didn't leave in time for it to make a difference to your daughters health. At 16, she saw everything and experianced it all her entire life so no offense but you didn't save her from much.. maybe 2 years but it's not much compared to 16 years of whatever hell she went through before between you and him. I'm saying this because she has bruises, emotionally, that she is going to need to work on. So just love her as much as you can. She's hurting and has lots of problems ahead of her. She'll probably come around eventually. But no one wants to be bothered over much as a young adult. So just try to do small things that show you still care. A card for every holiday. A pair of earrings for her birthday. A random surprise here and there too. Good luck hun

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Kathy - posted on 06/18/2011

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I can contact her via email but she usually doesn't respond. I do tell her it hurts and that I love and miss her dearly. She has always, like myself, been under his thumb. This will be her first year going off to college and I keep reminding her this is her life and to do as she pleases and not be under anyones thumb. I say that because I do miss her and want her back in my life but also I want her to be independent and live her own life and her own dreams, not someone elses and not living by someone elses rules. After 22 years of abuse I finally had the courage to leave due to my daughter> I wanted to let her know no woman deserved it and I was PETRIFIED she would get in an abusive relationship. I wanted to be a "good role model". He is a very manipulating man, and has always manipulated her since she was a little little girl, pretty sick!

Jenni - posted on 06/18/2011

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Do you have anyway of contacting her? I would keep trying to contact her and let her know how much it's hurting you that she won't speak to you. Proceed slowly and with caution but if you can get a dialogue with her, you need to tell her your side of the story. And ask her why she is angry with you. He could be telling her vicious lies about you and she's believing them. I believe she will eventually see the truth, just give her time.

Kathy - posted on 06/18/2011

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I got divorced 2 years ago. He was physically and verbally abusive. My daughter and I had a wonderful relationship before. She did start to pick up some of his "cruel" traits, swearing and yelling at me, for example he always use to say"shut the F--K up" to me. At 161/2 years old she began saying the same line to me. Her pediatrician has said she is "brainwashed".

Jenni - posted on 06/18/2011

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I'm thinking if she's 19 years old she likely has a mind of her own. I doubt her father would be able to influence to the point she won't speak to you unless she shared some of his feelings. We need more info. Why did you divorce, what was your relationship like with your daughter before the divorce? And what is she angry with you about?

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/18/2011

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How did he do this? How did you get divorced? What happened. I think everyone will need more info to give you better advice to help you hun

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