[deleted account] ( 7 moms have responded )
Okay I could write for hours about all the crappy stuff my MIL has done to me over the years starting with the day of my wedding. She has issues. She lies all the time and manipulates. I am a psychologist and when I met my hubby I was young and fairly naive and she thought she could just do it to me and well, let's just say I am a boat rocker. But I am NOT mean... I am just always honest and strive to be authentic and generous and emotionally integrated with everything that I am and everything I do. I'm a trauma survivor and I do everything I have to do to keep myself from being retraumatized and it doesn't always work with my MIL. My husband sees it so the problem is not that he is upset with me but he's had 32 years to come to the point of just accepting her and feeling sorry for her and moving on. I can't seem to do it. She has done so much to hurt me and she also hurt my family (mom, dad, sister) who live 3000 miles away but she is so selfish... that is really the root of it. She is the most selfish person I've ever met and she is also deeply insecure. I do feel sorry for her but it doesn't matter how hard I try I can't come to a point of extending compassion towards her and I cringe at the thought of my children being alone with her. So that brings me to the real issue... yes, now we have kids and we're going to have more. Right now we have 2 daughters (28 months and 5 months) and they are absolutely spectacular girls... such a complete joy to be around - both are performers and super cuddly and happy girls. My 2 year old is REALLY verbal and smart and she picks up on things and I just simply don't trust my MIL to be with her. It's a real bummer because I need help sometimes and my parents and extended family are all 3000 miles away + some. The question is not about what do I do though because I can manage... I love my life and I am fine cutting her out of it and my husband wants to do what is best for my health and happiness but I don't want to be unfair. I mean, we all have problems, right? But she has done some really nasty stuff and her husband too and my hubby's brother has really done some crappy stuff to hurt us - he is incahoots with his mom. My hubby's dad is great though - he is a significant part of our life. This is weird for me because I have literally never dealt with this kind of stuff before. It was easy before kids and now I question my motives sometimes like I intentionally do whatever I can to keep my kids away from her when she does love them and she is good with them and I want them to have a grandma and uncle/aunt/cousins nearby. But what the heck do I do? Let me stop you too before saying I need to confront her and converse.... that is what I do for a LIVING - I mediate conflicts between governments and large organizations, consult for ngos and nonprofits, mediate nasty family court battles, etc.... and every stinkin' conversation I've had with her and her husband and the others is like falling on deaf ears. So.... is it fair to be so stingy with time? Should I just get over myself and face the fact that I am going to get hurt and be hurt but it's life? Should I keep trying to confront with her? I dunno I dunno I dunno..... this all takes WAY too much of my energy and emotions.