What do I do when my husband takes his frustration out on our baby?

Jessica - posted on 07/07/2012 ( 26 moms have responded )

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This afternoon I woke up from a nap and my husband got really frustrated changing our son's diaper because he wouldn't stop wiggling him around..And from the bedroom I heard him screaming i walked in and saw my husband throw our son on the couch and violently picked him up by one leg..I have suggested for him to go to counseling but he won't even when he says okay ? Help :(

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Christina - posted on 07/07/2012

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You call the police and get a restraining order, period, end of story. Child abuse is not something to shrug off. What do you think is going to happen when you're not there? You could end up with Shaken Baby Syndrome - a baby with brain damage, or worse, dead. Get him out of your house now until he goes to counseling for at least a month.

Amy - posted on 07/07/2012

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You leave immediately, drive to the police station and make a report of abuse. If you're concerned he injured your son why go the hospital and call the police from there.

Cherish - posted on 07/07/2012

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He should not be handling a child that is under a year old like that(or any age).I hope he has never shaken your baby.
Now I do not know you,and you could be over or under exaggerating.I think the other moms are tripping mostly b/c of the word "violently",when I say "violently" usually I mean a lot or too much ,not roughly or aggressively (but that is me and I am a weirdo),but I am assuming that you mean he was being aggressive,and you said you have talked to him about this before.
Child abuse comes in all forms,and IF he "lost it" and IF your baby was seriously injured or killed than you would 1:also be responsible b/c you knew about the issue and 2:probably feel guilty that you did not prevent it from happening.

Typically men are not just "abusive" to their children,they are abusive(physically,emotionally..etc) abusive to their spouse as well.
If he has a problem you NEED to get help as soon as you can.Whatever his underlying issue is he will probably able to address it and change his behaviors,if he can not change,then oh well,not your problem.It IS your problem IF you allow yourself and your child to continue to be exposed to it.

You owe it to your child,if not yourself to not be in a situation like that.It can and WILL get worse...
There are so many resources for women getting out of abusive relationships.It probably won't be easy,but you HAVE to do what is best for your son.

I know it seems like the other moms are being harsh,but not knowing you or your situation,the treatment of a baby like that is alarming

Here is some info on frustration and where/how to get help

http://www.calmacryingbaby.org/?scid=263...

http://www.kempe.org/childabusefacts

Krista - posted on 07/07/2012

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Elfrieda, he roughly picked the baby up by one leg. On what planet is that acceptable?

Plus, when she says "I suggested he go for counselling, but he won't even when he says okay", that means that THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE.

Krista - posted on 07/07/2012

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You get yourself and that baby out of there NOW!

This is not "taking out his frustration" -- it is abuse. Your first priority is to protect your child. What are you waiting for -- for him to break the baby's leg? Or his neck?

Get your baby, pack a bag, and go to the cops. I know it'll be hard because you love your husband, but think of it this way -- he can either be charged with child abuse now, or he can be charged with murder later, when the baby lands the wrong way and his neck breaks.

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User - posted on 11/30/2012

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if he wont go get help then u need to seriously take u and ur son out of that situation! My sons father was abusive toward me but after our son was born he started showing signs of violence toward him and at 16 mo. Old the very first time I left him alone to care for his child he ended up beating him to were his body was 95%bruses and contutions. I lost my kids to the state and had to prove to them I would stay away from him before I got my kids back . Lost them 12/04/09 got them back 7/09/10 . Its very hard to get them back from the state but even harder from a grave, think of ur son first. Men come in go ur all ur son has ,PUT HIM FIRST!

Quennie - posted on 07/25/2012

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Take your baby away from him and tell him to get out of the house and that he can't come back until he goes to counseling. Babies have died from Shaken Baby Syndrome. Babies will be babies. We are the adults. As a parent, you are his protector. He is totally defenseless and voiceless ... you have to be his voice until he can actually talk for himself and let you know what's going on.

Goodluck, and God bless.

Chrisdee - posted on 07/22/2012

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Jessica,

I applaud you for reaching out. What you have described is abuse. I understand that it is hard, but this is not a usual response to frustration or exhaustion. I was personally in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage for 11 years, and I wish I had the courage to ask someone when I first experienced what you have.

Your husband does need help, but he must be the one to decide and take action to get help. I recommended counseling in the early years too, and he refused. This is a sign that he is in denial of a serious problem.

For your sake and the sake of your son - get out until he gets help and can prove to you that he has taken real action to change. The alternative is not worth it.

Meleana - posted on 07/18/2012

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There is no way I would put up with that! Get you and your baby away from him. That is never acceptable!

Sarah - posted on 07/18/2012

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It's your job as a mother to protect your child from harm, even if it's from another parent. If he's being abusive (and that IS abusive) and you don't do something about it, then your baby can be taken from both of you. Violence is only going to get worse. When is it going to be enough? When he causes a fracture? When he shakes him? When he dies? Get out and protect your child from further abuse.

Jessica - posted on 07/18/2012

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Sorry for the late response I appreciate everyone and their opinions I just wish there was someone to guide me through it and i am pregnant and i don't want to stress myself out but i will be leaving in September by then ill be able to afford a flight..It is very hard because he can be so covincing but I have had enough..thank you ladies so much i will forever be greatful :)

-Jessica

Diane - posted on 07/14/2012

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My husband is a police officer and has had many cases where the mother didn't take the kids and leave when the abuse started or reported it and went back to the individual because he said "he was changed", but the tragedy struck. You need to leave him immediately and stay away. You don't want to put your son at risk and have it escalate to where you or the child could be killed. Yes it may be hard to raise a son on your own but at least you have that son alive to raise. So restraining order, call police if he breaks it, report any abuse to the police when it happens, or just leave and be safe! You have choices but be sure you do what is best for your son! Good luck!

S. - posted on 07/14/2012

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I know a child who's father lost his rag with him and guess what the baby ( now 19 years old) has to be fed through a tube in his stomach! And has No quality of life. Your hb probably Just lost self control for a split second but please for everyones sake put a little distance In between him and your baby whilst he learns to control himself, it really isn't worth it if anything bad happens plus if he carries on he'll have loads of space when he's looking at a prison sentence!

Traci - posted on 07/12/2012

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you half to put that baby before yourself and before your husband i'd half to call the police and tell them to com get this man b4 i kill him omg hell would have no furry I also worry about your saftey if nothing else leave go to police station and go to a domestic violecne shelter

Elisha - posted on 07/10/2012

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I agree 100% with everybody else. Your precious little baby is unable to defend or stand up for himself. The only person on this earth who can do that is you. I would also pick up the baby, leave and drive right to the police station. There is NEVER any excuse for man-handling an innocent baby like that. Plus, who's to say that next time he doesn't do worse damage, like a permanent injury or even kill him? File for temporary emergecy custody, get a restraining order and make that dude get himself straight before he goes anywhere near that precious bundle ever again.

Elfrieda - posted on 07/07/2012

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@Krista, I guess I didn't read that right, I thought she said he violently grabbed him on his leg meaning it was a mean way to pick him up, not that he was holding the baby only by one leg.



If she feels like he's a danger to the child, she should absolutely leave. (or kick him out) A tiny human can't protect himself, he needs help.

Danielle - posted on 07/07/2012

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I agree! Take your child and leave!!
In fact, I seriously hope you had taken your child to the hospital to be evaluated for possible leg damage, as well as possible shaken baby syndrome!
With any child, being thrown onto a couch could cause spine fractures, torn ligaments ect..He could have broken bones, or dislocated his joint.

If he is unable to control his temper around the child then it is YOUR responsibility to be the sole caregiver to that baby!
It is an extremly dangerous situation. Does your husband have a past of violence, and having a temper?

How on earth could you live with yourself if something did happen as a result of not taking action when you knew the warning signs.. His behaviors is a big flashing warning sign!

Corinne - posted on 07/07/2012

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You pick that baby up, you walk out, you go to the police - end of. Nobody should be screaming at and throwing a baby, he could've killed him! Please, please walk away.

MeMe---Past And Present (-.-) - posted on 07/07/2012

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I agree with the rest of the ladies, here. That is abuse and it is getting dangerous. That poor boy, think of how scared he is, when this happens. Babies wiggle, they think it is funny. Mine wiggles everywhere and sometimes is very difficult to change. Daddy and I, would never ever think it was OK to hurt him because of it.

You need to get out of the house, with your son. Your husband needs to understand that what he is doing is not allowed and you won't let it happen, again. You are the only person that can ensure it never happens again. Trust your gut and save your son. Let your husband save himself, too, before he can't because he is in prison for manslaughter of an infant.

Elfrieda - posted on 07/07/2012

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Okay, everybody, I'm not getting the "get out now" vibe from this. Jessica, is what I'm picturing correct? He was changing the wiggling toddler, got frustrated, picked him up roughly and tossed him off the change pad onto the couch. If it was that, I would say that he needs to remember that he's the adult and not to let a small child have control over his actions, but he didn't hurt him, just was too rough for his emotional state. If it had been done with a "whee!" and a smile, the child would have laughed and asked for more, but now he's scared and crying because Daddy shouldn't be rough when he's angry, only when he's playing.

Is that right, or was it much worse than that? If it's what I pictured, my husband has done things like that a few times, too. (with a toddler, not a small baby) It is for sure not okay, but I just walk over and take charge because he's clearly overwhelmed right now and needs to get his head on straight. My husband knows exactly what I'm thinking, and he's already feeling ashamed, and soon he makes things right with our son and it's all fine, it's a lesson learned. (I have also had my worse moments of parenting.) He or I will say something about letting the other person know if you're getting angry, or just going into another room, because that really is the only way to handle it and we remind each other of that.

If you agreed he'd go to counselling, make him an appointment and tell him when and where, and make it clear that he needs to go or it's an issue in the marriage. (as in leaving to stay with friends or family until he does it)

Dove - posted on 07/07/2012

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Take the baby out of that house and leave. Now. Call the police and report him. Do not even consider bringing that baby near him again unless he's gone through some serious counseling and anger management (and then only supervised visits until he has proven himself beyond a shadow of a doubt). If you don't get that baby away from him and something serious happens to your child... you will be held liable as well.

Louise - posted on 07/07/2012

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Pick your baby up and leave. It is your duty as mum to protect him from harm. This man has no respect for human life. This child is his flesh and blood. This is abuse and if you do not do something about it your child is at risk, if another person saw this child welfare would be sat on your doorstep. If you can not get through to your husband then you have to leave him. Your child could be placed in emergency foster care for abuse. You will then get supervised access to your child. Is this what you want? There are no second chances when it comes to physical abuse of a minor. Get tough with your husband and lay down the law or get out and then seek legal advice.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/07/2012

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ARE YOU SERIOUS??????? That is when you leave the mother fucker. You do not let him handle your child UNTIL he gets into therapy for his aggression. Get OUT! This is NOT ok. LEAVE before he starts getting REALLY violent. He cannot handle his anger, you do not want the baby getting his aggression OR you. I am really hoping you stepped in and stopped it. Please tell me the baby is at least a year where he can handle his neck well. I fear shaken baby syndrome.

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