What do you do when moms on a group playdate ignore their kids behavior?

Amy - posted on 08/07/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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So what would you do? My 5 year old daughter recently had a playdate with 2 friends and all of us moms. The kids have all had playdates together with just two of the kids but not 3. I watched as my daughter asked 3 times to play frisbee with the other two girls and they ignored her. Their moms didn't say anything. I watched as my daughter called one of the girls names 3 times and the girl just ignored her. Then at the end of the playdate - I watched as my daughter hopped on a bouncy toy and one of the other girls hopped on the other one and told my daughter to get off so the other girl (the one who ignored my daughter and didn't include her in playing frisbee) could get on. My daughter proceeded to help the girl who told her get off "bounce" on her toy and the girl yelled at her to stop. I also chimed in and ask my daughter to stop as the girl didn't want her too (she was just trying to play with them but when someone says stop, I have my children stop!) In this situation, and in dealing with mom's saying nothing about their childrens exclusive behavior....Would you: a) Ignore it b) say something (what and how would you say it?) c) avoid any future playdates with these parents because they don't step in and correct their childrens behavior when another child is getting their feelings hurt by being exclueded (relational aggression/bullying)? Also our family is moving in 5 months so we don't have any plans to have a long term relationship with these families but these girls are the two girls my daughter has played with from school up until this point. At this point, I have told my daughter that the girls were not being nice, asked her how she felt (sad!) and encouraged her to play with other kids at school. I feel that the philosophy 'let the kids work it out" doesn't apply well in this situation! I believe in the "Train up your child in the way they should go" and that just as we train our children to not throw food all over the place and wash their hands after they go potty, we also teach them the golden rule (do to others what you would like done to yourself), which is awareness, concern and empathy for other people - I believe they either learn it from us at a young age or they don't learn empathy because we don't train them. I believe this is where alot of the bullying/exclusion comes from!!! Kids can work it out when parents give them the tools and the corrections necessary, but when another parents don't give their kids those tools (don't throw food, include a friend who wants to be included, she had the toy first - wait your turn -etc) then what do you do? In reading forums for advice, there are moms that are super annoyed when another mother says something to their child to encourage better behavior in front of them - they think it is terribly bad manners. But isn't it really bad manners to watch your child engage in hurtful behavior and not do anything about it and then get mad if someone (after several times of watching them NOT do anything - gives a gentle reminder on how we should act? I don't even understand how these moms on forums can get mad when they do NOTHING to correct their children. Then there is the "it takes a village camp" that absolutely encourage other parents to encourage their children in good behavior. Thoughts anyone??

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Corinne - posted on 08/07/2012

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Personally, I would have said something to the kids there and then. " Come on X, it's Y's turn to bounce. It's only fair if you all get a turn." As for the child that was being ignorant, I would have pointed that out too. "X, Y spoke to you then, did you not hear her? Could you answer her question please, it's very rude to ignore people." If the parents get uppity over it, just say " Sorry, you didn't step in, I thought you'd missed what happened." I am always grateful when people spot and correct my kids bad behaviour though and sometimes, having another adult repeat what you have said gives your kid that lightbulb moment. "Hey, it's not just Mum and Dad getting at me, nobody likes it when I ...."

Amy - posted on 08/07/2012

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I should add, that my daughter is often called upon in class to help other students in need and frequently makes cards and does and that express how much she likes her friends and draws them pictures - lest her enthusiam to bounce this other child seem like she is an out of control kid! By the way she did stop bouncing the girl and went and played on a swing.

Amy - posted on 08/07/2012

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I should add, that my daughter is often called upon in class to help other students in need and frequently makes cards and does and that express how much she likes her friends and draws them pictures - lest her enthusiam to bounce this other child seem like she is an out of control kid! By the way she did stop bouncing the girl and went and played on a swing.

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