What do you say to this?

Halloween1369 - posted on 05/30/2012 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Let me begin by saying I am in my mid 30's with a 3 yr old girl and a new born 4 months old boy. I live in a in law apt with my boyfriend of 20 years, and his parents live in the main house and their oldest son and 7 year old daughter live with them. ( one big happy family) I wish.
I feel like I am the outcast in this house. My parents divorced when I was 7 and I had to mature very fast. But my temper was always short,,I feel like I'm always yelling when the 7 year old is with my daughter, they are always competing against each other the 7 year old likes to think she's in charge of my daughter at times and is a great manipulator. It seemed like 24/7 that she was with us like the adopted child,also she was jealous if I was buying my daughter clothes and not her,just complicating me. one time she had the gall to even spank my daughter and another time she had taken my newborn son out of the crankup swing( which is a challenge if your not paying attention) w/o my permission. Of course like a concerned mother was looking for any dents on my sons head and. Then lashed out at her with my sharp tounge and of course iwas told I over reacted........I feel like I'm being tested around here, like how long is it going to be untill I loose it. What ever the 7 year old does my daughter wants to do, like go in the sprinkler when the first warm spell we get and its 70 * with a breeze and everyone just got over a cold.....then because the grandmother becomes the instigator I'm so sick of it that I just throw my arms up, it's like I have no say. My daughter comes back downstairs after leaving the grandparents and has a fistful of lollipops in hand. Every time grandma sees her she gets a lollipop???? My daughter went to the dentist and not even you know she has cavities. Pissa.
Well because there's so many escape routes around here I feel like I'm the only serious one here trying to raise my own kids without interruptions it's almost impossible. I feel like I gotta come up with a good line just so I can be with my kids ya know my "2" kids. And of course I feel bad for daddy cause he's in the middle of it. He hears me bickering ad it ends up us arguing and his come back to me is he thinks I should be happy with "family" around. First of all it's "his" family. Well cause I'm trying to lay rules down for my daughter and when she don't listen I'm the enforcer I get very upset when she don't listen. I have shut tv off when I talk to her when I feel she's not listening to me and also ask her to repeat what mommy just said, she's not constantly misbehaving and for abt a week I have been trying to detour the 7 year old when we go out n the car. But when I have to repeat myself over and over I get louder and louder I even wondered if maybe she might need a hearing test. Well I feel really a lost of words now, she was ignoring my calls to her as she was sitting in bed with daddy,and I just lost it she wouldnt come downstairs to put her things away after I had repeated over for her To brush her teeth i had to take her physically by her arm out of the bed into the bathroom and I brushed her teeth. She didn't like that well her father had told me that my screening had shook her and upset her to the point where she had told her daddy that mommy is breaking her heart.
After hearing powerful words coming from a 3 year old really put a dent on my heart. Then while I'm brushing she was very brave and was helping me with my toothpaste and even handing me tissues for my soggy eyes she says in that little voice trying to put the sentence together, mommy I love you sometimes and sometimes I don't . I feel emotionally drained, confused, and responsible for the outcome in years to come if any damage I feel like I created to her, not to mention the newborn who is a whiteness. What should I do. And yeah my doc has me on medication fr panic, anxiety, depression, and add. I feel like a rotten mother after hearing what my daughter feels about me.
Please reply with any suggestions I really want my daughter not to have those feelings towards me. Somehow I feel like I need to ave some words for her

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Sarah - posted on 05/30/2012

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Get the playhouse, then together with her, the uncle, your boyfriend, the grandpa, the kids, all go out together to decide where it should go. Have a vote, make it fun. We don't always get our way, even as adults, but we need to learn to accept disappointments with grace and dignity. My MIL can be like that sometimes too (granted she doesn't live with us). She actually criticized a garden on my house my hubby and I put in because she didn't like it. I simply said, "I'm sorry you feel that way." The thing is you can't control how other people feel or react to things, but you can control how you do. People need acknowledgment of their feelings, it makes them feel validated and helps them to accept disappointment. If you don't validate their right to feel how they do, they're far more likely to react poorly. Good luck.

Louise - posted on 05/30/2012

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You really need to get your own place and move away so you can raise your children the way you want to raise them.

As for what your daughter says dont react at all to it. She is learning about emotions and if you are visibly upset to what she is saying she will do it even more. My daughter will tell me to go away or I dont love you when she is angry and I answer with "well thats very sad, because I love you" this takes the wind out of her sails and she has no come back to this.

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Janessa - posted on 06/05/2012

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Could you find another place, that might be the best solution. Sometimes when we are angry with other people we take it out on those we love the most. I think it is not really a good situation anytime you live with in-laws, even good ones. Anyways. Good-luck

Halloween1369 - posted on 06/01/2012

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Mom lives 45 min away and is working all the time and dad lives 3 1/2 hours from me I don't even want to talk about that, he hasn't even made an effort to come see his newborn grandson and my brother has his hands full with his own issues I don't like telling them much. I have been monitoring my daughters intake on the sweets like a hawk now and since this whole. Incidence happened I have to admit she has been pretty darn ok. We went food shopping and went down the isle with candy and she was looking with her eyes but didn't stop to touch, then I forgot something and had to go down that same isle and same reaction with her. And with me yelling I told her I won't yell as long as she won't yell cause I noticed she was starting to yell in her role playing when she was playing with her animals or whatever, and if she don't listen I just get her dad to tell her I didn't think I would have to but I want him now to know what a hassle it can be since he thinks cause the lady next door can make it look good handling all the pre school children she watches look like a piece of cake let him see that it's not always easy!

Candy - posted on 05/31/2012

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And this is why I live 300 miles away from my MIL! but seriously, tell MIL that she raised her child (your boyfriend), now give you your opportunity to raise your child.Second, tell MIL that you are the one committed to providing dental care to your child, she is not footing the bill. And unless she plans on paying for the dentist, cavities, braces, etc, to please refrain from giving sweet treats. Write down your 'family' rules (those for you, daughter, boyfriend) and post them for all to see. Boyfriend has to understand that you and his children are his 'family' now. Remind 7 year old that she is not the parent, don't boss around or 'take care' of your children, and if she wants something tell her to ask her father or grandmother for it.
Where is your family in all this? Are they in the picture?

Halloween1369 - posted on 05/30/2012

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I totally agree with your advice, and I hate to look like I'm picking at this and that I'm sure if I was in my kids shoes I'd be happy as heck, with my grandparents and cousin in the same yard would you have any suggestions on the mil, she seems to be a big gossip queen and at times likes to stir up the stew if you know what I mean. We share the same yard but have separate enterences and no matter what I try to plant or put any object anywhere there's a dilemma she'll have to break out the tape measurer and agree that it would be ok to plant it then when you get it in the ground tell you to move it over an inch then when that has to be done she'll plant a ugly weed right in front of the base of the rose bus, then I will dig it up and throw it away, she'll put in a complaint at the complaint dept.......unreal and yeas that really did happen. What I did have to do thou was move my daughters sandbox away from the corner and hidden part of the yard because of bees and where it is now she don't like it one bit, but because grandpa said it wasn't a bad idea of a spot she has to swallow her tounge. I wanted to get one of those play houses for my kids but am afraid of what might be said on where exactly on her blueprint where it will have to be placed. You would never know that there were 3 kids that lived here. It's really saddddddddd

Sarah - posted on 05/30/2012

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First of all, 3 year olds can be very cruel. They don't always understand the difference between love and being angry with someone, so they will say to someone "I don't love you anymore," but what they usually mean is "I'm angry with you because I didn't get my way." Their limited vocabulary and emotional-ness can lead to some hurtful, but no necessarily true things. My son who is also 3 will say to me sometimes that he doesn't like me anymore. I just say to him, "That's too bad because I LOVE you." Try not to take it personally.

I think if you're going to chose to live in a household with other family, it's a little unrealistic to expect that that family will not have any influence over your children. Your niece is being raised in the same house, and your children will look to her as a big sister rather than as a cousin. It doesn't sound to me strange, just like a big sister/little sister relationship. Also, the Grandma giving your kids treats also isn't unusual. For the record, in itself they wouldn't cause cavities. Cavities form when kids are exposed to bacteria that can cause tooth decay. Anything you eat is sugar, and drinking juice or milk is actually far more likely to cause cavities than a lollipop. Baby teeth are far more prone to decay than grown up teeth, that is why dental hygiene at this age is so important. If you are uncomfortable with it, than politely talk to your MIL and just ask her to refrain from giving the kids candy.

What I would suggest is hiring a sitter (or having a friend) watch all 3 kids for a couple hours so that all the grownups in the house can sit down and talk about your expectations for each other living in the house. Set down some ground rules, like do you want others to discipline each others children or simply defer all decisions to the parents? Bedtimes for the kids? Expectations for the kids on activities? Obviously you're very unhappy and stressed the way things are. People can't read your mind though. If you're irritable and yelling, the other adults may not understand why you are so upset. So tell them. But it must be in a calm manner. No arguments, and take ownership of your emotions instead of blaming others for "making" you feel that way (ex// "It really makes me angry when Grandma gives the children candy because I am concerned about their teeth being exposed to the sugar." instead of "My daughter has cavities because Grandma gave her a lollipop."). Most people don't react very well to blame. If these things can't be resolved, then consider moving out.

It drives me nuts, and my Dad says it all the time, but they're true:
#1: Nothing Changes if nothing changes
#2: You can move, but you always take yourself with you

Medic - posted on 05/30/2012

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You should not let what a child says determine your emotions. Kids learn very early what to say and when to get a reaction. My son when through a phase of "I hate you" and "your the meanest mommy" I always just said" Im sorry you feel that way but I love you anyways" and he gave up.

Halloween1369 - posted on 05/30/2012

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Thanks for the reply but to hear her saying that I'm breaking her heart actually broke mine. Moving out will never happen, it just won't grandfather is getting older and told daddy that if anything happens............its like obligated to be there. I have nooooooooo problem if I had to getup n go its my boyfriend andi wouldn't want o have a broken family. It's as if and I hate to say it I'm waiting until the grandfather goes cause then it's gonna be every man for himself. The grandfather is a big enabler unfortunately

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