What else should I be doing to stop my daughter for misusing the cell phone & internet for pornography?

Elaine - posted on 09/17/2012 ( 31 moms have responded )

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My daughter is going to be 14 next week. I found out 3 months ago she had joined various national websites using her real name & real pic!! She did this with her IPOD touch. I also found pornography downloaded on her Ipod!! Due to the websites, she had calls coming into her cell phone from other states (probably pedaphiles!). I took her cell phone & Ipod away and havent given them back since then. I just found out tonight that she had also been sending nude pics to boys! I've also cut my daughter off from hanging out with her best friend who I felt was bad news. She really wants her phone back for her birthday, but I just dont feel comfortable giving it to her. My husband is an alcoholic & has been living out of the home for majority of the past 15 years. He has been gone 9 months this time & only saw the kids 2x! She is so mad at me & miserable, but she has really crossed the line. Should I be doing anything different/more/etc?

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Jodi - posted on 09/17/2012

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Nope, you've done just exactly what I would have done. However, you need to address these issues too, and sit down with her to have a talk. Firstly, sending nude pics of herself is a criminal offence. You need to talk to her about child pornography, and that not only will such material get HER into trouble, but ANYONE who receives it. Yes, people HAVE been charged for this. She is a minor, it is illegal for all concerned.



Secondly, she needs to understand that porn is NOT real sex, and it doesn't even depict what real sex is. You need to discuss with her what the actual realities are and make sure her expectations, or her boyfriends expectations, have not been about pornographic sex.



Finally, you need to talk to her about the dangers of using your real name and address online. Talk to her about identity theft, about the physical danger of stalkers, about pedophiles.



And I would NOT be giving her back her phone or her iPod for a VERY long time. She abused the privilege. She lost your trust. She has to earn it back.

Susan - posted on 09/19/2012

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I know some will disagree with this, but...she wants a phone back...ok, go get her a new phone that you can program two or three numbers and 911. One that doesn't have internet access or text messaging.

Gwen - posted on 09/19/2012

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I think you need to find a good counselor, ASAP! Obviously, there are underlying issues here. Self-esteem, sexual abuse, peer pressure...something! She needs some professional help to set healthy boundaries, respect her body, healthy emotions, etc.

Wendy - posted on 09/19/2012

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Hi Elaine! Raising children is so very hard. It's even harder to see them suffer the consequences for their actions. Don't give in....hold.your ground!! She doesn't need that cell phone until she's driving and then for emergencies......ee didn't have them growing up....it's not going to kill her, however her choices could cause her.to end up dead!! I'd rathet have her alive and mad and still teachable than tortured dead with you never having another chance. It won't be easy but she does need to kow u mean business. Counseling is.a.great idea! My son got into trouble as a teenager, he would do his.best to manipulate me into giving in to his wants, yes sometimes I did, it's hard not to when he was being so sweet and helpful. But.all it took was a NO for him to drop the.sweet act. So be.strong and.stand firm. She is omly yours to guide for the next four.years. What she.thinks is safe and best isn't usually the case!# hope this helps.....

Desiree - posted on 09/19/2012

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That's very dangerous she would have to learn a valuable lesson, I also found my daughter viewing porn I was furious, and she knows that Im real strict but loving don't give her that phone or iPod back for awhile until she knows you mean business with her

31 Comments

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Bethany - posted on 09/23/2012

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I agree that a new counselor is needed. I also believe that unfortunately sometimes we have to scare our kids into listening to us. Do u have a friend in law enforcement you would feel comfortable with talking to her about the actual laws and their consequences?

Vanessa - posted on 09/21/2012

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Having a luxury like a phone and/or iPod is not a right, she doesn't need them and you are protecting her life from the horrible things she's looking at and the potentially dangerous people she has exposed herself to, under no circumstances should you give them back, do whatever you can to get her help and be consistent not just a couple sessions, hold her and yourself accountable to follow through on whatever program a counselor suggests, it may have to be a lifelong program or counseling for her just be with her in it as long as possible, she needs you!!!

Lisa - posted on 09/21/2012

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Elaine. You are doing all the right things. You need to get her to a therapist to find out why she is behaving this way. Often girls this age act out sexually for a variety of reasons. I hate to say it but the most common is having been sexually abused at some point. I have worked in Human services for over 10 years now and have seen it time and again.

She could just acting out for attention from males and that is how she has seen it happen on TV and in the media. This would come from possibly not having enough attention from her father, but that is not always the case. If you are dating or in relationships, she could be trying to compete with you (I know it sounds crazy, but we never know what goes through a teen's head). A therapist or council will help her sort through some of the problems. You can also look into a variety of programs through your state child welfare department that puts your daughter under a behavior contract and helps get her services she may need.

I am sure this is not easy to go through. My daughter is only 4 but I am terrified of what things will be like when she is a teenager and the world has changed even more.

I would also suggest seeing if your local police department has someone that will talk to her. Lots of towns have school resource officers taht will meet with parents and kids if a child is starting to head down the wrong path legally. There are also lots of tasks forces through police departments that work with students on proper and legal internet use. They could tell her how they track people who are doing things illegally online.

If you want some resources on where to get statistics and more stories about what happens to teens that do these kinds of things, please let me know. I am lots at my fingertips.

I wish you the best of luck. Please let me know if I can help in anyway.

Elaine - posted on 09/21/2012

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Thanks for all the input, suggestions, & advice. I really appreciate & value everyone's responses. Does anyone know of any links to info on real stories of girls being kidnapped/killed/etc by people that were contacted via the internet? I think if she sees real life stories, it may hit home with her more than me just telling her that what she is doing is illegal and dangerous. Thanks. :)

Chelsey - posted on 09/20/2012

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If texting is a life or death fight with her buy a pay and talk phone that only has texting and calling available (if you're going to give her a phone back at all) Then she will not only have texting again but you could also teach her the importance of the almighty dollar....make her earn her pay and talk cards. :) Its what I had when I first had a cell phone(which was only at 16 when i could drive-for safety) But i wish you luck with it all

Jodi - posted on 09/20/2012

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And then when they turn 16 and can make their own contracts with their phone company? I am just saying, it isn't necessarily black and white. You should give them SOME rope, but within reason, before they are old enough to go behind your back and do it themselves. To be supervising their every move until they are old enough that you really can't can also lead to problems. At some point, you have to trust them enough to allow them internet access on their phones without hovering over their shoulder constantly, it is the only way they will become responsible users.

Mommy - posted on 09/20/2012

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I can say that because even when they can pay for things there well be restrictions. And although I have a toddler I am currently caring for my sisters teenager. I have no problem enforcing my rules with her while she is living with me. Its not easy,.and she fights me constantly, but she has no mobile internet access, and it will stay that way, even though she had a job all summer and could have paid for it.

Jodi - posted on 09/20/2012

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@ Mommy A, because at 14, a lot of teens ARE able to pay for it themselves from money they have earned. My son could have paid for his several times over (and would have if I had chosen not to purchase it for him), and has ALWAYS been responsible for the credit on his phone himself. So, then what are you going to do? If you say they can have one when they can pay for itself, you still need to be able to manage situations like this. You can't just say "it wouldn't happen to me because my kids wouldn't have one". It just doesn't work like that.

Tami - posted on 09/20/2012

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Hey hun! I just wanted to let you know that there are ways to block internet use on a phone through your service provider. I went though a similar situation as your daughter when i was young. after a lot of groundings,and therapy In my later years i can say sexual behavior is normal for a young girl to explore when a father figure isn't exactly a father. I can say she doesn't realize it now that behavior like this is do to the need of feeling love from a father but it does need to be nipped in the butt now. I suggest seeing a therapist, blocking the internet. when i was younger my mother had a tracking app on my phone offered through our cell phone service as well as restrictions. she had all my passwords and every site i visited on the computer was monitored. I'm glad my mother took those precautions now, even though then i still found ways around them but I have above averaged knowledge in computers.



I would also try to talk to your daughter about her feelings about her father, and in her opinion why she would expose her body to a stranger. I'd also bring up the dangers. my mother went as far as making me watch videos of real girls who had met someone on line and was raped murdered, stalked, etc. informing your daughter of why this is wrong and how dangerous it is and restricting her ability to partake in any activities such as these is the best thing you can do. stick to your guns. seems like you;ve handled the situation quite well already.

Lesley - posted on 09/20/2012

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Why don't you block the internet on the phone? Picture messages have to go via the net so she wouldn't be able to do either. Pop into your local network provider and ask them to block the internet. They can do it on all phones other than blackberry. That's obviously when she's earned your trust. Good luck

Elaine - posted on 09/20/2012

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I have told her & showed her the online reports that state that if you send or receive nude pictures while a minor, you can be arrested & have the charge of pedophile on your record the rest of your life. p.s. - I had just found out the other day that when she had her I-pod, she was sending nudes to boys. God help me get through the next 7 years!

Elaine - posted on 09/20/2012

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She has free access to our regular home phone. She stated that kids today don't want to talk, they just want to text! I told her that is why kids today have no communication skills. I'm standing firm that if she wants to talk to friends, she is more than welcome to use the home phone -- just like I did when I was a kid! :)

Jodi - posted on 09/20/2012

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That's such an easy solution when your kids are only toddlers, Mommy A.

Mommy - posted on 09/20/2012

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This is exactly why my kids will not have cell phones until they can pay for them themselves, and no access to the internet unsupervised (Ipod, Nintendo DS, etc.) There is absolutely no need for it. I survived without it and so will my kids.

Ana - posted on 09/20/2012

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I guess you did exactly what you can do.(there's not much we can do about it) ask for the password of everything,delete whatever you can. And sorry for her but it doesn't see like she know how to control herself and she is not responsable enough to handlr technology.

Lori - posted on 09/20/2012

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Watch the movie Taken and if you think she can handle it watch it with her. Talk about it afterward. I know it is not about a girl on the internet But it does show what kind of sexual sickos are out there. If she does not believe it go on line with her and look up real cases. I have a 13 yr. old and while I have not shown her the movie we have talked about it. The pervs are real and I don't see this as a scare tactic because it is reality.

Brandey - posted on 09/20/2012

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I think she is acting out because she is missing her dad maybe you should try to explan whether dad is not home

Sherri - posted on 09/19/2012

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You need to let her know it is against the law and she could be arrested for Child pornography even if she is a minor!! This is huge and in no way should she have internet or cell phone access without a parent present at all times.

Aimee - posted on 09/19/2012

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I agree with others that you need to sit down and talk to her about the very real dangers involved in her actions. You two could also come up with a lplan for her to earn your trust and her cell phone/iPod back. She needs to realize there are consequences to her actions, but also reward for behaving responsibly.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/19/2012

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Well, she really needs to earn them back, not just beg for it and receive them. it really sounds like this young girl needs some counseling. i would pursue that avenue as a first step. Good luck.

Lisa - posted on 09/19/2012

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I agree that seeing a councilor is something that should happen ASAP. Has there been a history of abuse that you are not aware of? Sounds to me like there are issues that should be looked into. Addiction runs in the genes. Are there any metal health issues...bi polar, schizophrenia, ODD, etc. I agree that you taking the phone away was the right thing to do. Has she been involved in these activities while you were home? Perhaps getting her involved with some structured after school activities. I would be concerned about her lack of remorse. I think that's a huge red flag. I think individual counseling would be beneficial and sessions with you too. Definitely plan an intervention. You need a good support system in place for yourself and your daughter. Good luck.

Elaine - posted on 09/19/2012

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Thanks for the input. She has had a counselor for a few years. We are going to be starting with a new counselor in 2 weeks. Praying this works. Unfortunately I see a lot of the same personality traits that her dad has (no remorse, no taking accountability for actions, blaming others, no wanting to take direction or advice)

Kathi - posted on 09/19/2012

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Along with taking her phone away, you need to set boundaries that You and she can follow. She need to know what she needs to do to regain your trust. When I say so doesn't work here...she is older and to smart for that. Open communication from both of you is needed. Set the boundaries and follow them to the letter. She needs to know the rewards and punishments for her behavior before she needs to make a decision that will affect her.

Elaine - posted on 09/18/2012

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Thank you so much for your response Jodi. I agree with everything you said. It is hard to get through to her as she is in that "I dont care what mom has to say" stage. I keep trying to get through to her & will keep plugging along. I have felt bad for her about her Dad, but I cant let guilt let her make bad choices.

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