What if I am pregnant again?? Freaking out!

Mindy - posted on 01/04/2013 ( no moms have responded yet )

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A little background..... I am 38 yrs old and a mom of two wonderful kids. My dd is 7, she is a funny, lovable little girl. She has ADHD so we have some challenges but for the most part, the ADHD is manageable. She is in the 2nd grade, loves to paint and draw and read books. My son is 2, turning 3 this March. He is such an awesome little kid. He is super high energy but tons of fun. He is not out of diapers and shows no interest in using the potty. I ask him if he wants to go try the potty and he says "No, I'm ok". LOL but seriously, I would love to get him out of diapers soon.
I was just recently laid off from my job and am currently a SAHM. I want to go back to work at some point but it has to be the right job and the right salary or it isnt worth it.
I have several medical issues - PCOS, Fibromyalgia, Hashimoto's (auto immune, hypothyroid), and I am about 50lbs overweight. I recently went of the BC pill to see if it made a difference in how I feel. There was a suggestion made that my BC might be interfering with my hormone levels so I decided to quit taking for a month or two and see if there was any improvement in how I felt. I actually did feel a little better when not taking them. I didn't feel as emotionally unstable and my sex drive came back... a little. Anyway, I am not currently taking the pill.
My husband is about 5 years younger than me. Our son is his only biological child, my daughter is his step-daughter. He has mentioned to me before that he wouldnt mind having more kids but has also said that he was perfectly fine with not having anymore either.
I know that women my age have babies a lot but let's face it, there are more risks involved not to mention that I would be in my 60's when the kid is a teenager. I dont have enough energy NOW to keep up with the two I have.
Over Christmas break, we were a little careless if you know what I mean. Empty house, thirty minutes of no kids around... you get the idea. I guess, in the heat of the moment, I was thinking that I was in the safe zone as far as ovulation timing and all of that. Plus, it's supposed (according to Dr.'s) to be really difficult for me to get pregnant. So after the fact I started to get a little nervous and checked a calendar... yeah, my "perfect" ovulation days were right on/around the careless day. So now, I am feeling like an idiot and totally freaking out. What if I am pregnant???? Holy $h!t!!! How could I be so stupid? I love my kids but I don't really want another one. I know that sounds horrible but I feel like our family is complete. There are other factors too... we live on a budget, a much tighter one now that I am not working, and I dont know how we would afford another child. I ride horses, I own two of them, I would have to stop riding (again) and more than likely sell the horses due to the expense of keeping them. Another child means less attention for the two kids that I already have and they need a lot of attention. I am 38 - what if there is something wrong with the baby? I almost lost my son at 20 weeks.. what if I lose this one? Neither one of my kids were planned. I wasn't even supposed to be able to get pregnant without the assistance of a fertility specialist. I have been so careful and diligent about BC since my son was born. He was conceived one month after dh and I were married. I had missed my BC pill for two days in a row but I doubled up the next two days. That's all it took.
I am so scared. I just dont know how to manage another child. I am in pain and exhausted all the time from health issues. My dh helps a lot but he works full time so how much can he do? It's too early (I think) to take a PT and my periods are sporadic at best so being late is not unusual.
Have any of you been through this? I have already beat myself up enough about the stupidity involved so please dont beat me up anymore. How did you survive these feelings? I dont even know what kind of advice or whatever to ask for but if you have some, please share.

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