What is a lady's view on this?

BobbyDiggy - posted on 03/19/2017 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I was told something very interesting by a friend who is very successful and my i was suprised that he was raised without a father.

My friends dad abandoned him when he was a kid and his mom had to raise him alone. His mom was very stern towards the father when he returned when friend was now 11. My friends mother told my friend that she was very stern because she always wanted him to know that there was a line on how a parent should act and the father had crossed that line.

She told my friend that line is the boundary of what's "allowed' and what is not. My friends mom never forgave the father because she felt if she forgave him, it would mean that she was telling her son that it was "ok that your dad left you," which would only open the door for others to treat him that way or for him to grow up and abandon his own child (thinking if he came back years later with an apology, everything should be ok).

My friends mother is very successful and independent. My friend grew up very successful and credits his treatment towards others and himself with what his mom taught him. That he "knew" what behaviors were allowed vs not allowed.

He was telling me that most often, the primary parent "forgives" the other parent but it ultimately does more harm good since the kid grows up often duplicating the lifestyle that asks for forgiveness since it easier to ask for forgiveness than be responsible.

He told me his relationship with his father is not father and son but more like a man and man.

Any thoughts? Mothers are always taught to forgive the father but this is the opposite.

3 Comments

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Michelle - posted on 03/21/2017

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I don't agree with what your friend's Mother has done but that's her choice.
You seem surprised that a man can be successful being brought up by his Mother, why? Can't Mother's raise successful children without a Father around?

I have moved on and don't harbour resentment to my ex, why would that achieve? My children from that relationship still don't know the real reasons why the marriage broke down and they don't need to know. There is a line about how much children need to know and the custodial parent should be encouraging a relationship with the other parent, not hindering it.
Like the others have said, we are all human and make mistakes. Forgiving is a part of building friendships and relationships.

Is your friend still single? If he is, the reason is probably because he has never learned to forgive. It's not a good way to live.

Sarah - posted on 03/19/2017

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Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself; not really someone else. When you forgive, you let go of the anger and resentment you hold towards someone who has wronged you or your children. It does not give the other person a free pass. That has to be earned through consistent new behavior. Trust is earned and can only be rebuilt over time.
Like Dove said, all humans make mistakes.

Dove - posted on 03/19/2017

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As a Christian I am very big on forgiveness. ALL humans make mistakes. No one is exempt from that. Not forgiving someone that does you wrong does you more damage than it does them. I forgive my ex for leaving me (actually ended up being the best thing he could ever do for me), but that doesn't mean I trust that he will do no harm. Technically speaking I do not trust, respect, or like him one teeny, tiny little bit. BUT my kids' relationships w/ their father are completely separate from mine... and they are free to make their own choices in that regard. My teenagers are at the point where they basically want absolutely nothing to do w/ him... and I fully support that. They may change their minds in the future... they may not. My son is still a little boy that wants his dad, but he too already recognizes that his father is not one to really put a whole lot of effort into maintaining the relationship. If his father DOES make the effort and my son IS receptive to it... I support that (he's actually w/ his father right now for the first time in almost 2 years). Who knows what will happen in the years to come (my son is about to turn 9)?

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