What is a polite way to tell your own parents to bud out.

Shemika - posted on 11/27/2011 ( 47 moms have responded )

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I have a 2.5 year daughter, very active, overly friendly, and sometimes just plain hard-headed beyond the extent of the "terrible 2's". We try not to spank as I do not believe in it, however a tap on the bottom or the hand has been attempted a time or 2 to no avail,and besides being sent to her room w/ no t.v. for time out, or the taking away of priveledges is preffered and more effective for correcting bad behavior. However when we are with my parents, there are problems w/ correcting her , because my parents think everything that she does is"cute" when at times , her behavior is what we consider rude, unsafe, or just plain untactful by our standards.....when we go to say.."no don't do that" or "come back and stand next to mommy n daddy" ... or anything of the like...one or both of my parents are contradicting us, with " she isn't hurting anything" or "we can see her from here" or trying to counter correct before we even get a chance to finish the sentence . Have any other people had this problem, and how do you tell your own parents to bud out, who do not meen any harm, but are completely underminding the way you are trying to raise your kids.

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Carissa - posted on 11/29/2011

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also try to remember how you would have felt when you were raising your kids if your parents constantly undermined your authority in front of your child. It is the same when one parent disagrees with the other parent over something. it should be discussed away from the child not in front of. because then you send mixed messages.

Carissa - posted on 11/29/2011

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also to the grandmother that replied the more power to you for wanting to spend time with your grandchildren and spoil them but when the parents are trying to discipline them and the grandmother is saying don't listen to your mother the child gets confused. and spoil them all you want and let them do what they want when "WE" are around. that way they know it is ok to do this when mommy and daddy aren't around at grandmas house because these are grandmas rules.

Alfreda - posted on 11/29/2011

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To the grand mother who replied: There is a difference between spoiling your grandchildren a bit when they come to visit and deliberately contradicting the parents in front of the child. They can learn that at grandma's house we get more sweets, but at home we are only allowed sweets after dinner, but if you are spending a considerable amount of time with your grandchildren and are constantly undermining the parents in front of the child such as in this case, you are confusing the child, and damaging the relationship of the child with the parents. The instances that this parent mentioned, she was not asking the grandparents to actually discipline the child, just back off and let her handle the discipline. I understand you don't want to be the enforcer, but don't keep the parent from doing her job and enforcing the rules.

I am sometimes happy my parents don't live in the same city as I do. When they do see my kids they spoil them, and that is ok, because two weeks every couple of years is not going to disrupt their life too much. I have to reprogram them for a week or two and then they are back to normal. My mother-in-law lives here, but doesn't see the kids that much and is stricter than I am. I have to handle occasional barbs about why my almost five year old still pees the bed every night and my three year old just potty trained during the day, when my husband was day trained at 1 years of age. I just let them bounce off my back. She does respect and encourage me when I keep my kids in line though and I know she respects the fact that my kids can sit at her family dinners for three hours without leaving their chair or whining too much. I count myself lucky.

Sharon - posted on 11/29/2011

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You need to lighten up...sorry I am a gramma and I did my time with my own chidren and now I have the privilege of spoiling my grandchildren. That is 20 years of being the strict, guiding adult and now I am done. We feel as grandparents we have the right not to worry about that stuff anymore. Honestly kids are not stupid they know what is going on. Also at this time in our life, worry and fret over every little thing we have gone through that and realized it is not worth it. I correct my grandchildren if they do something that will harm them but other than that it's my time to enjoy them without all the worry and fuss. Just want to lighten up the mood a bit. Hugs to all of you parents but we love you and we hear you but we are done with all of that. Sorry.:D

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Chesnie - posted on 12/04/2011

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Hi, YES my mom does that. When I punish her, my mom is like "oh poor baby" and attempts to play or talk to her when Peyton is in time out! I say "mom shes in trouble, please don't play with her" of course it hurts my moms feelings but I get out of that by saying " I'm just frustrated with Peyton and need to correct her behavior. Do you want her ending up like Ellie"? (whom is my very defiant ODD niece) she gets it then lol....our daughter is different for that first day after spending a few hours with grandma, actually both of them but my mom is living with liver disease so I try to overlook it because one day she may not be here to play with Peyton....

Amanda - posted on 12/02/2011

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You have to have a conversation with your parents. When it happens, point it out so they see they were underminding your parenting. My kids would cry for Nana to save them from the naughty step, as my Mom loved to step in and take over. My kids turned into brats after seeing their grandparents. Remind them thats its important they be the grandparents, but when it comes down to when they are naughty gently say I'll be the guidance. They need to respect that boundary. They dont realize its confusing for the kids and I'm sure their hearts are in the right place. I think our parents see when we are stressed out and no one likes when someone tells us to calm down or we are doing something wrong, but I know you should take a step back and listen to them too. They might see something you don't because its a different perspective. I have dealt with this too because I'm close to my parents but I think you need to talk about it. I kept reminding my mom how much I loved and appreciated her influence on the kids but I didn't want them to think they didn't have to listen to Mom when Nana was around. My mom took it personally and didn't talk to me for a week. I didn't have to push it, she was weird for awhile, but I think something sunk in. Its comforting knowing I'm not the only one, thanks

Stifler's - posted on 12/01/2011

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Ha i Know exactly how you feel. i'm over my mother in law saying that i should spank logan and if it hasn't worked we're not doing it hard enough.

Joyi - posted on 11/30/2011

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Shemika, From the bit more information you provided; it almost sounds like your Mom is making fun of you when you are having difficulties with your daughter. I doubt she is doing it on purpose - but none-the-less - she is making it plain to your daughter not minding is funny to her. In turn, your daughter is picking up that and is likely doing things to make her Grandma laugh... or worse, she is starting to find it funny when you are trying to correct her. Point that out to your mom plainly. I have had this happen to me, but it was my husband who does it on occasion and it drives me insane. He either thinks I am being too harsh or starts trying to lighten the mood by joking. He doesn't do it often, but sometimes slips - or (rarely) will do it out of spite - even though he would never admit to that. For your mom to openly be giggling is (to me) a lot different than them poo-pooing off their behavior. I come unglued on hubby when he does that to me and in fact even his mom came down on him over it...

The poo-pooing (oh, its okay; oh, honey, shes just a baby; etc.) is something that is confusing to a child, but it isn't something that really encourages misbehavior or flat-out disrespect. I don't know what the other GP's are doing, but your mom laughing is a big problem... especially since your child is still so young. My son is 2 1/2 and he lives to get giggles and he is very stubborn; hard to punish, because not much phases him... but if he can get a laugh or attention paid to him - then he is all over that. My son would be trying to make Grandma laugh and then he would probably laugh at me when I tried to punish him at home... he would pick on me I think. My six-year-old would know better, because I would be able to put the "fear of god" into her BEFORE going to Grandma's and nobody would be able to help her if she dared pull a "Grandma stunt" on me at home OR in direct defiance of me at Grandma's. I would remind her that Grandma can laugh all she wants, 'cause it ain't Grandma who has to mind my rules AND it ain't Grandma's butt on the line. (Speaking figuratively - usually)

Dang - I am pissed for you! LOL

As for your kids minding in public... this is the one I handed over to my mom and her method worked, so I will pass it onto you and maybe it will be helpful. I know I had reached the end of my rope and I was out of ideas. My 2 1/2 year-old actually minds when we go out to eat now, my boy did everything from taking the straw out of his drink to throwing food to just being a brat...

Go to a somewhere like Denny's and go at the least busy time you can think of... probably around 3:30 or 4:00. Do not count on actually getting to eat your meal the first couple of times you do this AND expect some pretty dirty looks... ignore them. (BTW, lots of older folks will give you thumbs up - it is the younger people and couples who will give you looks.)

When your child misbehaves, you give them a warning. I would say, "That is a NO!" At which point my son would proceed to throw an ungodly fit.

My mom stepped in and this is how she handled it and how I continued to handle it...

She picked my son up, without one word and took him to the outside of the restaurant. (The weather was nice) She sat him up against the wall and turned her back to him. She flat ignored him until he stopped wailing. (The first time took FOREVER - if he attempted to get up, she sat him back down, but did not speak to him - she simply kept in place by either putting a hand on his shoulder or sitting him back down.) The biggest deal was she paid as little attention to him as was physically safe.

Once he was done wailing, she would calmly get down on his level and ask if he was ready to go back in and eat his meal. She would give him a tissue and tell him to stop crying (softly crying vs. the wailing) so they could go back in - and she would hug him really tight.

She brought him back in and my son immediatly proceeded to take the straw out of his drink... and she picked him up and took him back to "time out."

Again he started wailing like he was being beat... she did the whole thing over and to my surprise he caught on quickly and calmed himself much sooner the second time.

She brought him back in, and of course my son had to test again... she didn't say a word - took him to time-out and this time he calmed himself almost the minute he got put up against the wall.

Every time he misbehaved or ignored a directive (such as leave your straw in the cup) she gave a warning for the first time and after that - automatic time-out.

Now she also did the BIG praise for when my son did behave or held his cup correctly without taking out the straw or was eating calmly, etc... but if he started up again - it was a warning and then complete removal from all attention... the time out, no words, and the no eye contact.

By the end of that "meal," my son was frustrated and exhausted; we still ended up having to ask for the check and our meals to go, because after a few rounds of this new discipline - my son had had it... he was having a melt down. However, he clearly picked up on what was happening very quickly as evidenced by his self calming himself so much quicker with each time-out.

I watched, but did not intervene or interfere. At first I was not at all on-board, but still I stood back. By the end of the meal I wasn't completely convinced, but I had seen enough to at least give it a shot.

The next time we went out to eat, it was my husband and I - my mother was not there. My son started up right away, but this time my husband took him to time-out. It was only a short time and they were back - I think he may have gone to time-out three times that meal, but each time he calmed himself very quickly and we were able to actually eat. I gave my husband very specific instructions to give any attention until our son calmed himself, etc... and then I also used the exact same behavior and whatnot.

In less than five times of us going out to eat, we have never since had to take my son to time-out more than once during a meal and often not at all - the warning alone stops the nonsense.

Time-out is either outside in a patio area, outside sitting up against the wall or in the lobby area if it is out of earshot of other guest, and once it was the bathroom - it was too cold outside and there was no other separated space.

The one thing we still have trouble with - and I finally gave up on was my son climbing out of his seat. I found a nifty little product called "The Sit Seat" and I use it - it keeps my son in the highchairs and in the grocery carts. My kid is a climber and he is quick... I was so thankful to find this "Sit Seat" thing - you have no idea.

PS - Pick a place you don't plan to go back to on your first trip out.

Kristen - posted on 11/30/2011

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Everyone here should stop and consider the day that YOU will become a mother in law. Now lets pretend your daughter in law or son in law is parenting a certain way and you see the flaws in their thinking. Would you not speak up? Would you not say, "hey, I dont know about this because....." Most of us arent going to do things out of spite or ignorance, we will do it because we care about our grandkids. So why dont you try asking your inlaws why they do what they do, or why they disagree with what you have chosen. You may just find yourself realizing there might be a happier medium for your child. Moms who sit there and do drugs with their kids in the room think its fine and think people are stupid for telling them otherwise so take a minute and realize maybe you are on drugs with your own thinking, despite being so certain you are doing the right thing. It used to take a villiage to raise a child because they turned out more well rounded and not one singular way of thinking or behaving.

Sharon - posted on 11/30/2011

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Zella,

I was not trying to tell anyone how to raise their grandchildren I was trying to lighten the mood. I am happy that you are grandparenting your grandchildren. I am also happy with my arrangement. That is all.

Shemika - posted on 11/30/2011

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joyi i did not mind the book, lol ! and you do make a good point and i do underdstand there are different rules at gram and papa's than at home, and my husband and i are fine with that , to a point, but i do "correct " my parents sometimes b/c i feel that some of their "rules" and beliefs have no place in modern ettiquette, i feel that , that reasserts her father and I as "alpha" ( for lack of better term) when it comes to who is in charge when it comes to keeping her in line, and i just do not appove of sillyness like (just a few examples of what i am getting at) " you gotta eat all for food before you have you drink" or " you have had too much to drink today already" "you gotta finish whats on your plate" , "you asked for it/ or to try it now eat all" , "adults are talking do not interupt" and there are more but i won;t go on and on, they are things that i resent from childhood and when i have hear them tell her that i tend to freak out just a little , and revert back to 17 year old who just knows her parents are completely stupid, kinda freak out, lol! but back to the main issue, as my hubby and i were discussing, its like we are playing a never ending game of good cop bad cop w/ her, and she is now learning to play parents against grandparents, so we have our game plan in order
1. The gp's will get a talking to this weekend one more time , and everything will be laid on the table, and we will reiterate that the kids have one set of rules , and why...and so on and so forth.
2. We are going to go on more family nights out w/ just me the hubby and kid to work on our daughter's behavior in public, and make it clear what is expected of her , and get her acting the way that is appropriate and safe.
3 The Gp's will be brought back into the "family nights out circle" after we have reached that point, they still get her at thier house all they want and can take her to kiddie place like the mueseum and park , but no sit down restaraunts, they willl find it harsh , but we are hoping this will work to make our expectations clear.

Joyi - posted on 11/30/2011

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I feel pretty lucky when reading these post. My kids have lots of grandparents... steps on both sides, and their personalities are varying. My mother is fairly strict in terms of manners and how the kids act in public, but oddly more carefree than me in terms of pushing the kids to take risk and face their fears. For example - especially with my first - she was the one who kept me from hovering over the baby and freaking out at all the first scraped knee or gross goo all over my child's hands and face. Later we would go eat at a restaurant and I could tell she was irritated with my children's behavior. The reason I say I feel lucky is that she did not ever "correct" me in front of my child(ren), and if I gave a rule - she always backed me up. Now, when the kids were out of earshot, then of course, I got the lowdown on her opinion. At times I disagreed and that was that - we agreed to disagree, other times I would ask her to show me a better way.

One instance I asked for her help was in the restaurant and even though we were all together, I let my mother take charge and I did not interfere. I did tell my child that his behavior while we were eating in public had exhausted me and I was letting Nana take over. I was not all the way comfortable at first with her method, but clearly after six kids - she had some valuable info to share - and by the end of that meal, my child was actually behaving. My children see my mother probably as a third disciplinarian - though they also get that Nana has a wild streak that when she cuts loose, they are going to have a blast! And they see that Nana sometimes can talk Mom into letting them do things they are not normally allowed to do... like having a water fight in a public fountain (a true example,) but they get those special things are associated with Nana.

The other grandparents in their life live much further away and they only see them on occasion... so the dynamics of the relationships are very different. I would say the kids have much more traditional relationships with the rest of the grandparents. They get away with lots and get spoiled lots in the couple of weeks they see them every few years. The other grandparents have never interfered with me parenting, but they all clearly expect that I keep my children in line. None of the other grandparents are hands on either, though... none have changed a diaper or babysat or any of that. The occasional correction given by one of the grandparents - say for trying to leave the table with their drink or whatever - is given by the grandparent to the child, but clearly intended for me to hear and take care of. If my child tries to go around me by going to the grandparents first or asking them after they have asked me - all have always replied that the child has to come ask me OR that they already heard me tell them no... and they aren't gonna get in trouble for telling them, "yes." The kids end up feeling like the grandparents are THEIR ally and I am the big, bad parent... and I don't mind that one bit. I love that they feel super special to their grandparents, but that none of their grandparents undermine me.

I would say that my kids think their grandparents are subject to my rules also, but I don't think that is true. They know that my husband and I are very respectful of our own parent's rules and traditions and they know at different houses we expect them to follow the rules of that house. At home they are allowed to walk away from the table with their drink, but not at Grandpa's. At Grandpa's we always hang up our coats in the coat closet, even though, at home we come in and toss it over a chair. They have heard Grandpa or Grandma tell Daddy to put his shoes up or to take off his shoes before walking on the carpet and Daddy does it. Daddy and Mommy ask permission before getting things out of the fridge, they say "Yes, Ma'am" and "Yes, Sir." Daddy and Mommy mind their Mommy and Daddy.

In the rare event that I have not agreed with a grandparent, I have not ever let my child know. Again, that is because the grandparents have all shown me that they respect me as a parent and that they are not purposefully going against my main goals, ideals, and desires.

The one and only caveat is that we are not religious in our household and one grandparent gets very sensitive if I use the word, "fairy." When my baby was very little she would stare for what seemed forever at nothing and I made the comment that she was watching her fairies. The one grandparent corrected me and said, "angels." She has since corrected me every time she has heard me say, "fairy." They also expect us to join them for mass on Sunday if we are around... (my daughter was a bit shaky at the first sight of the crucifix - lol) but otherwise they don't push their religion. I want my children to be open and respectful of other traditions and rituals. So we pray respectfully and reverently when we dine with the grandparents even though we do not have that habit at home. To me, it is how I show my kids to be respectful and curious about the world and people around them. It is also my way of showing them that we all have bosses - even Mommies and Daddies... and there are times we have to "mind," because our being mindful of our own parents shows them in example how to respect us as parents.

Shemika - posted on 11/30/2011

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thank you alfreda! EXACTLY ITS OK TO A SPOIL GRANDKID, TO A POINT , I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS ABOUT THEM IN THE DERPARTMENT AND ITS HELPFUL TO THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE IN A POSITION TO DO FOR MY KIDS WHAT THEY COULD NOT FOR MY BROTHER AND I , AND THAT MAKES THEM FEEL GOOD , SO I WOULD NEVER IMPEED ON THAT (ACCEPT THE TIME MY DAD OFFERED TO BUY MY DAUGHTER A PONY, HAHAHA.....AND YES THAT REALLY DID HAPPEN) IT IS NOT OKAY TO UNDERMIND THE PARENTS RULES AND EXPECTATIONS THAT IS MY GRIPE!!

Shemika - posted on 11/30/2011

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to sharon, i do not expect my parents to raise my children for me , however they want to be and are a big influence in her life by their choosing, i am not a parent that clls to dump my kids on her parents, they are the ones that call , and stop by to pick her up so that they can spend as much time with her ad they can, since they feel that they got their grandchildren later than most and now want to spend as much time with them as possible.I am not asking them to raise her , i am asking that they support her father and I in raising to be a responcible adult , by letting us correct her as we see fit, and expecting her to act with the same tact and manners that they taught and expected of me as a child and as an adult. If a grandparent is one that chooses to be very active in their grandchilds life , they don't get a free pass to let a kid act like a complete little hellian, besides my issue is that my parents interupt, and undermind mine and my husbands discipline and expectations when we are right there with them, so i thank you for your posting , but fail to see the validity it.

Tamara - posted on 11/30/2011

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I was straight forward with my mom, that yes it maybe cute but do not counterdict (SP) me when I am correcting my child as I see fit, I do enjoy spending time with you however when we are together you have to respect me enough to know what I am choosing to do with my child(ren). If You can't do that then I am sorry our outings will be limited to when I can find a sitter.

I found that being straight forward with them was the best way. Grandparrents can love, enjoy, and spoil their grandchildren while staying in the boundaries of the parents rules. Have the conversation in a calm setting with out the kids around that way if someone gets heated the kids dont think its because of them, if it does its someone elses issue.

You are mom you set the rules with your child(ren) if others (aunts, grandparents, babysitters, friends what ever) don't like it then they don't be around your children at the young age they do not need mixed messages from adults they trust, when everyone is on the same page that is when they grow up secure and knowing the lines in which they are to walk.

[deleted account]

I'm a Gramma too... But I disagree with you! I'm there to LOVE my Grandkids, but also to help the parents! When I go out to eat with my Grandkids, I expect them to use manners. When I take them to the park, then they can run around, but NOT in a restaurant!

[deleted account]

When my oldest daughter was little my mother-in-law let her get away with everything. So not to have a fight with her, I would talk to my daughter before getting to my in-laws house. I would tell her, if I ask you to do something and you don't listen to ME, you will NOT get punished then, but you can be sure you WILL when you get home!

Lauren - posted on 11/29/2011

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I'm assuming you've asked them to stop and that you've explained your parenting sytle. My suggestion : Meet in public, or at their house and when they directly undermine you (or hubby), simply say, "Time to leave!" and LEAVE! Leaving is the hard part!! I had to do that with my mom and it really did work. I just kept repeating, "If you can't respect my parenting, then we can't be here."

Toni - posted on 11/29/2011

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I agree with Sharon Bettany:

Take them aside and politely inform them that if they can't respect and support your parenting methods (and stop undermining you at every turn), you're going to have to "take a break" from allowing your daughter to be around them. Sometimes all you can do to make yourself heard is to walk away...

Good luck!

Sal - posted on 11/29/2011

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I think that maybe you need to tell your folks that her behaviour is a real prOb for you and while when they are around your tactics might seem a little strict as with an extra set of eyes ears and legs does mean she is safe you need her to behave when it is just you and her because that is when you really have concerns maybe tell them of an incident where she has nearly hurt her self due to her energetic behavior... Also make sure they know you need her to have consistent treatment as to not cOnfuse her...and that you really need their help to get through this period

Heather - posted on 11/29/2011

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Tell your parents one last time what you expect (what you do and do not want YOUR daughter doing, how bad behaviors WILL be dealt with. Also tell them that if they can't fallow YOUR rules for YOUR child that their visits with YOUR daughter will no longer happen as they are being counter productive and encouraging behaviors that you and your husband do not like. Once your parents decide they can fallow your rules visits can happen again and if they slip into old habits tell them that you will end their visits again if they don't stop.

Hope that helps.

Grace - posted on 11/29/2011

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I have had the same problem. My in laws did this to the point that my son was confused not knowing who to lisen to. This is what I did. I told my in laws how I feel. I told they at my husband and I are the mom and dad and they can't correct us in front of our son. We are the parents we will handly it. Just to drive the point home we talked to our son told him we are in charge and we r the only ones who make to rules. We also said every time we felt they where over steeping their role one of us would say I'm the mom or dad. I hope this helps

Kimberly - posted on 11/29/2011

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I've been going through the same thing with my family for 5 1/2 years. There is absolutely no way to tell your parents to stop that isn't going to offend them, you just have to politely but firmly explain to them that YOU are her parents and they can either support the way you discipline or they can quit spending as much time with your daughter. I hate suggesting you threaten them, but honestly that's the only thing that semi-worked with my parents. I say semi-worked, because they still let her get away with more than I would. But thankfully my daughter has learned that what happens at Grandma's better not happen at home! Good luck!

[deleted account]

We have the other end of the problem--We encourage our kids to be outgoing, social and friendly to peole. They will strike up a conversation with anyone, give a stranger a hug(just some examples)--We tell the girls that as long as mom/dad are with you and the person dose not mind it is ok. My husband and I see so many kids today that do not know how to interact with other people and we feel that thy will have a hard time in a social inverment later in life. Please do not get me wrong--there are times that we have to pull them in an tell them they have gone over the line. Both of my parents are from the generation that kids are to be seen and not heard so when we go out they should sit there not saya word to anyone unless they are spoken to then only short answerws

Carissa - posted on 11/29/2011

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obviously you have tried being tactful. They don't want to hear what you have to say. Tell them you won't let your daughter around them any more if they don't respect your wishes on how to raise her. This is the way you need to be as my father is the same way. If he starts letting my two little ones get away with things I can't overlook I just pack them up and we leave. It does work. Her going in sitting with other couples isn't being cute, it is rude. If I was trying to eat and someone elses child came and sat with me I would be very upset, I am trying to enjoy my meal and I understand that kids get up REALLY fast and move FASTER than we can when they want so you can't always stop her. 2 is a hard age sometimes. When you do go out to eat try getting a booster seat in a booth and putting her next to the wall so it will be harder for her to get down and out without getting stopped. If she throws a fit(I know this is hard but pay the bill and leave) she will eventually get the hint that when she misbehaves she doesn't get to stay at nice places.

Alfreda - posted on 11/29/2011

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I would speak to them privately, when your child is not around or misbehaving at the moment. Explain the situation, give examples and explain what the result is. Ask them to start backing you up on your discipline. If you want to soften the blow try something like this.

"I really need your help. My daughter is out of control and we are really trying to get a handle on her. I think if you back us up when we are trying to discipline her, she would respect our authority more."

Perhaps giving them a clear list of rules you have with consequences you have your daughter, not on the moment but ahead of time. Maybe you could come up with a signal for when they are undermining you so the kids don't hear you discussing it. They may mean to help, but don't realize when they are doing it.

Also, did they let you get away with this behavior? If not, I think other poster's ideas of asking what they did in these circumstances would be a great idea.

Joyi - posted on 11/28/2011

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Maybe, if you feel that your parents and in-laws, do not mean harm - maybe they think you are correcting her for their sake or something; then explain that since she is only 2 1/2 that their poo-pooing her behavior is making things that much harder on her since she is not allowed to do whatever at home. Take the tact not of defending your right to parent this way or that, but instead of that of concern that your toddler will be confused and frustrated when you later need to correct her for the similar behavior at home.

When your child gets older - around 4 or so - simply take the stance of, "that may be the rules at Grandma and Grandpa's, but you are home now - and you will follow my rules." Then your child does learn the value of modifying their own behavior to suit the situation or environment. Of course that assumes that the grandparents are not doing something dangerous or outright is disagreement with your beliefs and / or methods. That also assumes that your child also understands that as far as their world goes; you and your husband are the final say - period. Though in general, when I am at my mother's or whatever with my children, then I follow the rules of the house with my kids while we are there. The other thing that I have done is pointed out to my child - loud enough for my parent to hear - is that they are lucky to be getting away with whatever at Nana's - and to enjoy it while they can, because they will not be allowed to do it at home.

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If they are just not listening, then stop doing things with them. Don't go out with them, don't invite them out with you, when they ask why then explain it to them as bluntly as you can without being rude. Good luck.

Kaitlin - posted on 11/28/2011

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Yup. Have that issue too. We have to have serious conversations with our parents and let them know that we are the parents, we really need them to respect how we handle it. We appreciate their advice, experience, thoughts etc, but when we have a question, we will ask, and that it's hard to want to ask their advice when they so freely offer it when we are using a different tactic. But don't tell them during a situation, we tried that one, doesn't work. Take them out to dinner, or lunch is better, and be honest and firm, with specific examples. Because we have two kids, we found it best for my husband to talk to his parents and for me to talk to my parents on seperate occasions. Good luck honey!

Michelle - posted on 11/28/2011

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Maybe tell them that you're sure they wouldn't have let you do that when you were a kid - and you need her to learn what is acceptable behaviour, which means you need to be consistent.
For them saying 'they're just being charming' or whatever, well no. It's charming to them. I have kids, and that would still piss me off when I was trying to have time with my family and some other kids gets themself in our space.
We work on the theory "We think you're lovely. Other people think you're annoying - so stop doing (insert whatever)."

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 11/28/2011

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Good luck. I've specifically told my MIL and my own parents not to do things with our kids and they argue with us. They don't even have the decency to act like they didn't hear us. They argue, and ignore us.



I've now told my MIL off so we haven't spoke in 4 months because she simply cannot respect us as parents and just told my parents off last week because of the same problems. Seriously, good luck.



You just have to do what is best for you. You really only have 2 options. Either live with it, or try to get them to respect you. If they don't respect you, you are back to choosing whether you CAN live with it, or if you can't take it anymore and don't take the kids around them.



Be firm, tell them exactly what bothers you and why. If they respect you, great. If not, you are screwed!!!! Lol



Good luck. I've tried talking to them, explaining things to them, telling them to stop...... they don't get it. My MIL is so offended that I got offended, she thinks she didn't do anything wrong so she's just not talking to us.



My parents haven't apologized and probably won't but are at least still talking to us. I don't know what will come about of that just yet but hell if I'll have anyone push me over. I'm my kids parent. They are my responsibility. So I'll do whatever it takes to parent them the way I want so they hopefully come out to be the kind, caring, proper individuals I want them to be.



It will also set a bad standard for you in the future, if this keeps happening. Sort of like the way if one parent is way more lienent than another, the kid will get away with more with the other parent. Do you really want your kids getting away with a bunch of stuff because your relatives let them? They'll start to respect your relatives more instead of their own parents.



I hope that all came out right.......... lol Did I say good luck enough? You're going to need it ;)

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I don't think there is a way to be polite. Sounds like you've already tried. Let them know that if they continue to undermine your authority that you will have to seriously limit the time they get to see and spend time w/ their grandchild.

Lynn - posted on 11/28/2011

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I love Erin's "ask for their advice" idea! I would also ask how did they handle it when their kids misbehaved? I'm sure they didn't find it funny then! You could point out things you did, and how you got in trouble for them. I would ask how they would have felt if their in-laws had done to them what they are doing to you, now? If you really feel like you want to prove your point, tell them that until THEIR behavior improves, you'll need to limit the time they spend with your family. It sounds like they genuinely love sending time with you, and maybe that will get them to see that you're serious.

Erin - posted on 11/28/2011

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OK, I have 4 kids ages 21 down to 2 all with same hubby (parents & in-laws). Telling them no typically didn't work for me... They (the adults) want the attention positive or negative just like your children!!! When your children misbehave, ask the "experts" Wow, I am so frustrated w/ this behavior, what did you did when I (or hubby) were kids? Also, try to catch the adults suggeting things you use & like & LAY ON the praise (sincerly not sarcasm ;) "MIL what a WONDERFUL idea." I definitely want to keep doing that w/ her/him (even if it is something you've said to them a million times) pretend it is the most amazing idea, one you couldn't possibly think of on your own!!! You will be amazed at the results...
I think the only thing I couldn't overcome w/ this method was FIL & step MIL took 2 yo daughter for 2 hour drive w/ no car seat & when they arrived back I was waiting for them to see 2 yo daughter standing (not even buckled) on the truck bench seat!!! I was told you know FIL drives like an old lady way cautious & under the speed limit. Nothing could possibly have happened to her (yeah like someone else loosing control & slamming into your vehicle~yikes; I made sure that there was never a time in the future she would need to travel w/ them ;)

Tah - posted on 11/28/2011

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i would just say in a nice manner, you know mom, dad, you guys raised us so well but we are trying something different with "kasey", and it kinda overrides us when you interrupt our discipline, we appreciate all your help but if you guys can support us in our discipline of her it would definietly make things easier for us...thanks..if that doesn't work, have a full on tantrum and tell them it's their fault you are acting that way..lol

http://www.circleofmoms.com/just-debates

Kari - posted on 11/28/2011

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I see this a lot! The bottom line is, you are her parents and they already did their parenting days, and I'm sure you had a spaking or two! I would just tell them what you expect of her, and she is your child. Sometimes you cannot say things like this without offense being taken but it has to be done. I would be worried if my 2 yr old wasn't right by my side, even if I could "see" her. It doesnt' matter, things are different then they were 20-30 years ago.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 11/27/2011

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Your going to have to be more stern on your tone of voice, I know you don't want to disrespect them, but they are constantly undermining you. If you don't want to step on their toes fine, but there is no other polite way to tell them to back off.....polite clearly does not work. Be direct.

Katherine - posted on 11/27/2011

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Oh my- you know when my in laws, sister, brothers, or mom try to contradict our parenting I just hey- lets not encourage this behavior. I dont feel you need to add your 2 cents I have it under control.
I just had my mom n law tell my 9 yr old daughter to go lay down and rest the other day when she was pretending to be ill because "no one was giving her attention". I told my mom n law not to do that, she is faking and you shouldnt encourage it.
Of course you will get the but I was just BLAH BLAH BLAH....from your parents, but its your child. Stand your ground. You have to live with your child day in and out not them. I dont allow it. It makes life harder to deal with when somene comes in and tries to control your kids.

Shemika - posted on 11/27/2011

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I have done that as well, they (my mom is the one that chuckles at everything the most) and apparently she thinks i only mean don;t laugh at the one thing she is doing at the moment that i tell her to stop laughing because the vey next time she does something, theres.........my mom pretendig to try and laugh "without my daughter seeing her do it" b/c she will turn her head as if she thinks this will some how out smart my very intelligent child, and she won't HEAR grandma laughing or something??????? thanks Bonnie, atleast i know my efforts to try and curb my parents behaviors arn't "harsh" like i said i am trying not to hurt their feelings.

Bonnie - posted on 11/27/2011

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In regards to them finding everything she does is funny, I would just tell them, please don't laugh at everything she does because then she will think it is ok and just do it more.

Shemika - posted on 11/27/2011

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tried that several times , most recently 2 weeks ago and this morning as well. both times centered around resturaunt ettiquette, my daughter would not stay seated, and when we put her in a high chair she screams at the top of her lungs and crys for my parents (b/c they let her get away w/ alot), she was going from table to table and actually sitting down with other families who were dining as well ( on both occassions) we would retrieve our daughter (apologize to the other familys) and tell her she needs to stay w/ mommy and daddy, and its a no-no to just go up to strangers like that...my parents reply " she was just being friendly" so I tell my parents that no thats not polite or safe ...they reply " she wasn't hurting anything, she was just being a charmer" and my husband interjects that "well its not safe to talk to strangers and get away from us like that ...my parent's "well we could see where she was, she was okay" now this was the 2nd time in 2 weeks that we have had this same conversation. I then tell them that "you guys really need to just hush and let us correct her without you all saying anything EVERYTIME we go to correct, we do not want her to be the little kid running around seemingly unattended, talking to strangers and that it does not help that you guys interupt us or try to distract her when we are speaking to her about what we expect. Their answer "thats just the way small children act". Its like beating my head against the wall w/ them.

Amanda - posted on 11/27/2011

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Maybe have a talk with them about what behaviours you find are unacceptable and what the consequences are for those behaviours. They also need to be made aware of the discipline techniques you use and don't use. If you have never had that discussion with them how are they to know what you want and except of you child

Shemika - posted on 11/27/2011

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i tried that one when i started getting really frustrated, they do this really wierd thing where they act like they didnt hear what we said.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 11/27/2011

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If I need your advice or help I will ask, until then let me do it my way.

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