What is best for baby??

Mudd_putts27 - posted on 03/13/2016 ( 12 moms have responded )

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My son is 3 months old. All I want is the best for him. His father and I have never been married. We will not be living together. I want to know if it would be bad for are son to stay with his father every other week? This is what his father wants to do. I was thinking that he could come see him as often as he pleased but at my place. What are your thoughts on this??

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Jodi - posted on 03/13/2016

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Whether his name is on the birth certificate or not makes no difference. But you are unlikely to get into any trouble for moving if that was the plan before you found out you were pregnant.

Having said that, I think it is admirable that the father is planning on following you to Montana to have a relationship with his child. You should value that - he want's to be in his son's life. Give him that opportunity to have an equal relationship with his dad. And that can't happen in your home with you around.

Michelle - posted on 03/13/2016

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You are better off going to court and getting custody, visitation and child support in writing. That way everyone knows where they stand.
I have done shared care since my 2nd child was 1 (he's now 12). It can be done if the parents are open to working together. You also have to live fairly close so the child/ren can go to the same school, regardless of what house they are living in.

Jodi - posted on 03/13/2016

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As a father, he has a right to equal time with the child, and he has a right to have the child without having to be in your home. Your baby also has a right to develop and equal relationship with his father, and this should include time without you around and in his father's home.

For a 3 month old, every other week is a lot. Is the baby breastfed? If breastfed, this would be impossible. But if formula fed, I would suggest initially maybe shorter time periods in each home (eg, two days at a time).

Another question that should be considered is who is looking after the baby? Is dad working? Are you working? Who is looking after baby while people are working?

What is best for your child really depends on circumstances - there is no one blanket response to this question. But dad does have a right to have the child at his house and not feel obligated to only see his child in your home.

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Sarah - posted on 03/15/2016

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Bit of a tangent....Christ on a cracker!!!!!! why in the world did you leave him off the BC? Were you tramping around and really did not know who the father was, did you think you'd have more control or do you enjoy wasting MY tax dollars to pay for court ordered paternity tests to amend the document. You should foot the bill yourself for a paternity test. If you were certain he was the father, then you are guilty of committing document fraud.
Wake up ladies! Simply because you are the vessel that grew this tiny human, does not make you the sole parent, the better parent, the more important parent. You picked this guy to have sex with, if you took health class you know what sex can make, right? Stop it with the nonsense, if the guy you are in bed with would not be the one you'd choose for a father...then don't have sex with him or be sure to use reliable contraception!

Shannon - posted on 03/15/2016

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Coming from a step mother, I've seen the difficulties for the biological father in this sort of situation.
Personally as a biological mother, I can't imagine having to send my child somewhere... in lots of ways I want full control to know exactly how my baby's being treated! But if the father is a stable man (not abusive or a user) then it is vital for your child that he has time with his dad... especially starting this young and ESPECIALLY if the father wants to be involved.

Men spiral downward very quickly if they don't feel respected, (not trying to accuse, please don't read it that way), so if he doesn't feel like you trust him then it may get very frustrating for him and cause a lot of friction. If you can start this early by him having time with the baby by himself, that will be a very healthy situation for your son.

Do you mean you have him one week and then he has him one week? Or does he mean just have him a few hours every other week?
If anything, take baby steps and let him have the baby for just a full weekend, or just a few hours at a time (but frequent). Hope this helps.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/14/2016

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You don't get to set the rules on this. Dad has as much right to be a parent, have a solid, consistent relationship with his child, and to have custody as you do. It's best to co-parent and get along.

You cannot dictate that he can only visit "in your home". That is not fair to EITHER the child, or the father (or you, really...)

How in the world would being exposed to both parents in a loving atmosphere (separate loving atmospheres, of course) going to be detrimental to brain development? Please provide your sources.

Whether or not your child's father is named on his birth certificate is NOT the issue. DNA is the issue.

Why have you not gotten this sorted out legally, in court?

I think it's awesome that he'd be willing to totally give up everything in Florida to follow you to Montana to help raise his child. You need to be receptive and accepting of that.

Get court orders. Follow them.

Dove - posted on 03/13/2016

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I, personally, do not think alternating on a weekly basis is a good thing for an infant. For an older child it can work (I know a few families that have had that arrangement w/ their older children) well, but I would think that for an infant and toddler having one main home and shorter, frequent visitations in the other would be best.... and gradually work up to 50/50... maybe by preschool or early elementary age.

I'm certainly no expert though. The best thing to do would be to go to mediation w/ the father and see if you can work out something together (w/ the stipulation that you would both be willing to renegotiate if the child seems to be struggling w/ the arrangement). If you can not come to an agreement then you would need to go to court and let a judge make a determination.

Jodi - posted on 03/13/2016

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Where did you read that it affects brain development? If both places are stable and positive environments, there is no evidence that it will have a negative impact.

Mudd_putts27 - posted on 03/13/2016

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I was moving to Montana when I found out I was pregnant. Can I get In trouble for that? Also the father was not around when my son was born and his name isn't on the birth certificate.

Michelle - posted on 03/13/2016

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You need to be careful about moving away from the Father. He could take you to court and prevent you from moving.
It's best (like I said) to get court orders and also ask the court for permission to move away.

ETA: Like I said, my boys have been doing shared care for 11 years and there is nothing wrong with their brain development.

Mudd_putts27 - posted on 03/13/2016

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The father currently lives in Florida and will be moving up to Montana where my son and I are living. I have been taking care of my child since he was born. The reason I ask is because I read that taking a baby back and forth to stay at different places affects their brain development.

Sarah - posted on 03/13/2016

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Of course it would not be bad, why would it be bad? His father has jut as much right as you do to parent his child. You do not get to determine the rules. You two can come to an agreement and have a judge sing into an order, or you can let a judge decide for you. IMO, best to work together to come up with an arrangement that suits you both and works for the baby.

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