What is good dicipline for a child that is cusses at you,

Dena - posted on 10/07/2009 ( 60 moms have responded )

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My oldest son is 16 and has a terriable mouth sometimes. I have taken things away. Put him on restriction and so on and so fourth. Just short of beating him or slapping his mouth how do I get him to respect me. And more importantly stop him from talking like that to his little 6 year old brother, who now thinks its ok to talk like that too.

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Susan - posted on 10/17/2009

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I wouldn't be hitting/washing his mouth out/ putting horrible things in his mouth - or anything like that. These days wen children that age have attitudes like that those actions are more likely to get you into more trouble - the authorities do not approve of these actions! I have a 12yr old daughter with Aspergers and a 9 yr old daughter with Oppositional Defiance Disorder, and two other children - both swear something unbelievable when in "meltdowns" - they got suspended from a christian school. I don't swear at them, my ex-husband does. The paediatrician gave me the best advice - and as strange as it seems, it works fairly quickly - maybe a week or so. Ignore him!!!! Most children when behaving like this are doing it out of frustration for not getting their own way or they feel misunderstood - whether that is justified or not if they feel it it is real to them. With my children I instantly stop speaking to them when they swear at me /each other. or the other children, and then is at all possible leave the room. I explained this to them when I first decided to try it. That I do not deserve to be spoken to like that, and that I will help you as best I can when you are speaking properly to me, but I will not engage in conversations with you when you speak like that. When you decide to spea to me properly we will resume the conversation and fix the problem. Very quickly they learn there is no point swearing if no-one is listening, or there to receive it. I know it sounds strange, but it does work!

Too - posted on 02/18/2014

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The word of God says, "Spare the rod, spoil the child." Discipline has become such an ugly word but, it was meant to help our children understand the difference between right and wrong. You don't have to abuse your children to discipline them but, when they get out of line, the word of God tells us that SOMETIMES, IT IS NECESSARY, to spank them if need be in order to teach them respect. Discipline doesn't always have to end in a spanking but, if necessary, IT MAY JUST HAVE TO. We can not forget that it is our job to educate our children and to teach them respect, values, morals and scruples, IF WE DON'T, WHO WILL? God disciplines us when necessary, but He does it with love and in love AND SO WE SHOULD DO THE SAME. When we step out of line or we choose to do our own thing when God has told us otherwise, He must discipline us from time to time to teach us the right way to go and how to live a better, happier, life. Society has made taking care of your children and showing them the right way such an ugly thing but, it was never meant to be that way. Why would God tell us that if we spare the child, we will spoil the child if He didn't already know what would happened? He doesn't do anything by accident or by haphazard? We must get back to the bible when it comes to determining how to handle our children and how to raise them up the right way, with fear and honor. It's up to us as parents to decide to be the difference and to make the difference; if we do nothing, than nothing is what we will get and nothing is what they will give..... Be Blessed

Julie - posted on 10/13/2009

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Quoting Jami :

I would do a time out, how old is this child?


You know I didn't think you could do time outs with a teenager, but one time my 17 year old used some words towards her younger sister that I didn't like so I told her she had to go into timeout for 17 minutes. She told me that was ridiculous, that she was 17 years old and there was no way she was going in time out. Well about a week later she wanted to go do something with her friends. I said as soon as she served her timeout I would be happy to let her go. At first she resisted, but when she saw I wasn't giving in, eventually she sat in a chair facing the wall and I set the timer for 17 minutes. After that I noticed she did a lot better about controlling her mouth because I guess she didn't want another timeout and she knew I'd really do it. Go figure, timeouts really do work sometimes even with a 17 year old.

Candicelle - posted on 01/24/2014

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This might work or make things worse, but here goes. If they drop the F-Bomb, you can teach them French. Tell them oh you’re speaking French great honey, but you’re just pronouncing it a bit wrong or off, let me help. Phoque, pronounced more or less like fuck, but better yet phonically properly pronounced like foo-k or foo-u-k. So, just say they are pronouncing the French word seal the animal off. Oh and if you can better yet get someone like a French teacher or someone fluently speaks French to say it to you a few times, you should hear the difference. That way you can say it to your little one correctly, and talk about said seal and it hopefully should be dropped.

Janelle - posted on 10/14/2009

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Quoting Manetric: You don't want to humiliate him or whatever but I believe in tough love in certain situations.



I once heard of a judge who sentenced juveniles to stand on a street corner with a sign designed to embarrass them. For example, in your case, the sign might say "I cuss at my mother and six year old brother." Perhaps in a situation where nothing else works, this might.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/06/2016

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Mr. Hillier, we are not in need of a lesson in punctuation and grammar. This forum understands language and syntax differences, and we feel no need to point them out in an effort to make ourselves feel superior.

You, however, seemed to think that your input beyond the OP's question was not only needed, but wanted.

Veiled insults are not welcome here, sir, and you are now invited to take your attempt at masculine superiority elsewhere.

Jonahillier - posted on 10/06/2016

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+Too "Spare the rod spoil the child" is a modern proverb and is not in the Bible. Proverbs 13:24 is what you are looking for, ans unfortunatly for you it advocates for discipline. (Whilst acknowledging that "the rod" is a punishment, although it be inferred that"the rod"is merely a reference to discipline)

I would also advise you to access each situation with you children uniquely and focus on a solution that would help your child as opposed to taking a misquoted guideline written over a thousand years ago. (I also hope you are aware that proverbs was compiled by Solomon and is a compilation of sayings-it is therefore not as you put it,"the word of god".)

I also have an issue with you referring to "right way" of raising your children as the way "with honor and fear". While this is not only very twisted, I would like to point out that" fear" does not mean "respect".
Just a few pointers on your use of the English Langauge.:
The comma after "but"(2nd sentence)is not necessary.
Uppercase lettering, which you have so savagely used, is completely redundant as exclamation(Which appear to be missing) serve the purpose of expressing a heightened feeling.

Your use of diction makes me wonder if you are possibly a follower of Branham.
(If so, as a mom(and therefore a women) this may interest you: http://en.believethesign.com/index.php/T...

It honestly scares me that people like you are parents.

Candicelle - posted on 01/24/2014

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This might work or make things worse, but here goes. If they drop the F-Bomb, you can teach them French. Tell them oh you’re speaking French great honey, but you’re just pronouncing it a bit wrong or off, let me help. Phoque, pronounced more or less like fuck, but better yet phonically properly pronounced like foo-k or foo-u-k. So, just say they are pronouncing the French word seal the animal off. Oh and if you can better yet get someone like a French teacher or someone fluently speaks French to say it to you a few times, you should hear the difference. That way you can say it to your little one correctly, and talk about said seal and it hopefully should be dropped.

Stacy - posted on 10/14/2009

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I was just reading threw some of your other responses, alot of them have good points. However, I once put hot sauce on my oldest sons toung, and his doctor called child protective services on me. Putting anything that may harm a child even soap or hot sauce is abuse in certain places. I live in Michigan! And I don't really think that you allowed your son to behave this way. So really just think about having a talk with him. Maybe even put him in some activities if he isn't already, as a reward for good behavier. my boys enjoy martial arts. some places have schaloar ships, call around and ask. See what your boys would like to do. Don't give him the pleasure of you giving up. Be strong, show him you will love him no matter what.

Stacy - posted on 10/14/2009

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when I was that age I remembeer my mother telling I can't controll what you do outside my home, but in this home you will respect me and the others here, leave your "truckers" mouth at the door. Right now my 4 year repeats what I say, and when I do slip and say a bad word in front of him I say bad mom, i shouldn't of said that word. I catch myself saying bad words, and correct it. I also allow my children to catch the bad words, even when I slip. We find alternative words,for my oldest kid. He is 11 and feels the need to verbally express himself. Remember the catch phrases we would use around our parents? Sit your 16 yearold down and tell him you feel he does not respect you, and he is teaching his brother that it is okay to use unexapable lanuage, and disrespectfull. Ask him to try to find a different way to verball express himdelf.

Beki - posted on 10/14/2009

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I'm not sure how to tell you how stop this behavior. I have children who now range in age from 21 to 33. None of them ever cursed at me. I think that the instillment of respect for you has to begin when they are very young.I don't believe that putting your hands on them is the answer though, no matter how much you may want to. This only encourages them to repeat the same behavior with you, at least with the 16 year old. You might have to write his bad behavior off & concentrate on the 6 year old with whom you still have a chance to make a serious impresion on. The best way I know to change his behavior may be an occasionally spanking, but only as a last resort. Try time outs first & be very firm about it. He will probably pitch a screaming cussing fit the first few times. but let him know you mean it..Whatever you do, don't give in no matter how hard it may get. If you give in it just teaches him that if he makes you miserable enough he'll get what he wants without there being any real repercusions. It just reinforces the idea that his will is stronger than yours. I know this from experience, Although my son who is 30 now was a very strong child & although he never cussed at me he did everything else he could to think of to get his way. I just had to prove to him that I was more strong willed than he was, and believe me it wasn't always easy. Sometimes I just wanted to give in and not fight him, but I knew that if I did it would only be worse the next time I said no. So my advice to you is that when he acts out, put him in a chair alone in a room and shut the door. It's no fun to scream and holler if no one is listening! He may act out in other ways while you have him in time out. As I said before, just be firm. return to the room and place him back in the chair and make sure he knows that until he remains there quietly for a set period of time and that no matter what he does it will not change things. Let him know that if his bad behavior continues, cussing, ect... this will be the result everytime. Eventually he should get the idea. It won't be easy, but it is the only way I know to deal with the problem.

Julie - posted on 10/13/2009

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My only concern with her taking on her 16 year old son like that is that if she slaps his mouth will he try to slap her back. Kids who have no respect in how they talk to an adult might not care either about hitting a woman even if it is his mother.

Julie - posted on 10/13/2009

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Quoting Sarah`:

Oh please! Do the quick easy and effective. When I was younger I cussed in front of my mom (not even at her) and she washed my mouth out with soap. I would try that. It doesn't hurt, I just tastes horriable, but it works! and I would tell the little one if he says the dirty words his brother is using he would get soap too. If he's bigger than you get a good strong man to do it ie: dad, grandad, uncle.


My parent's did it too, but I do worry about making kids sick. My neighbor puts pepper on her kids' tongues if they say something they shouldn't.

Julie - posted on 10/13/2009

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First of all I have to ask do you or your husband curse? My husband and I don't, but we say plenty of other words that are close when we're frustrated and then I hear my kids saying them. So I try really hard to be careful what I say around them. Yes kids pick things up other places as well. When my now 19 year old was 5, she was playing a video game and swore. We asked her where she heard it and she said Ren & Stimpy. So definitely when kids are young we have to be careful about what our kids watch. With my girls, the first time they said something inappropriate we talked about it and why saying that word was wrong. We've been blessed that our kids have listened and understood and while we have other challenges with them cursing is not one of them. As far as the older son, you have to find what's important to him and make that the punishment whether it's taking away driving privileges or the cell phone or not going out with friends. I've known people who made their child pay them a dollar for every curse word they said and very quickly their child learned if they wanted to keep their money for themselves they needed to control their language. I know maybe it sounds silly, but have you tried just talking to him and letting him know that you really care about him and that if he cares for you and appreciates all you do for him that you would really appreciate him not swearing because it really bothers you and makes you feel bad. Let him know that he's an intelligent young man and you're sure that he can use better words to express himself that show how smart he is than the curse words which just show a lack of vocabulary. As far as the 6 year old, I would let him know that the words his brother uses are wrong and that as the younger brother maybe he can help his older brother overcome his bad habit by showing him that he can talk without using those words. My daughter is around that age and she thrives on being able to do something better than her big sisters or be able to teach them something or be a helper. Maybe talk to the 6 year old about why he says those words. If it's out of anger or frustration, help him to make a list of more appropriate things he could do when he's having those feelings. Then when he slips, don't just discipline, but remind him what he was going to do instead. Children need lots of reminding when they've fallen into a bad habit and they're trying to break it. I don't know. I'm no expert. I honestly haven't struggled with this problem. I've just noticed that the kids of my friends who curse all the time, seem to curse all the time so it's kind of hard for any of us to tell our kids not to do something if we are because they just think we're hypocrites and won't listen. Good luck with your boys. I hope you find something that works for their unique personalities because if I've learned one thing with having 6 kids, it's that what works for one child doesn't always work for the others.

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sounds like you need to file unruly on him and let him sit in jail, you have to show him that his behavior is unacceptable

Lanice - posted on 10/10/2009

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Well mom is apparent that you have not taught the 16 year old any consquences and in the event the 6 yr old is in his learning stages and you are reinforcing that same behavior with him. The 16yr old needs to learn that there are consequences in the home and in the community for this behavior. And you said that you short of beating him it should have been some of that a time ago, but now you have to learn to stand firm with him and make your child respect you. In the end if he is not respecting you at home that effects school and relationships. You may need to have him evaluated to assure that nothing mental is going on than you are more informed of how to handle the suitation. Good luck to you and the boys....

Vickie - posted on 10/09/2009

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Dena, before your son spins way out of control, it's time to take some strong measures. Like enrolling him into a bootcamp for teens or getting him into a military school. You also need to staert laying down the law to your 6 year old. Once a child turns 7, they reaach the age of reason. If you don't get him undr control when he's 7, it'll escalate & get way out of hand.

Dawn E - posted on 10/09/2009

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I have a 17 year old and a 5 year old. I have really been working with both of them. My oldest was a great rule follower until 16 and then he became a bit out of control. Staying involved and being consistent with both children are the key. I know it is hard ... but try to stay focused on the positive because the negative will destroy you (Been there and I am over it). As far as consequences, look at both of your children and find out what is important to them ... TV, phone, internet, computer, friends over, ect. Sit down and have discussion with mother, father and both children and discuss expectations - type them up so the children cannot manipulate the expectations (privileges are earned and should not be expected) Discuss expectations and consequences ... make sure you follow through every time with consequences. Do not argue in front of the children with your spouse about the kids ... we have all been guilty. Work hard with your spouse so both of you are on the same page with discipline. If you cannot work it out, take turns on dishing out consequences. If you say there is a consequence, stick to it even if you feel guilty! You are the parent and empower yourself. Remember you are there to teach your child to follow rules in the REAL WORLD. Set your child up for success and let them know you are doing it because you love them. Work hard at setting up schedules for homework, study time, sibling time and family time. 15 minutes a day for your oldest to mentor the youngest may be all it takes to help them get along.(Do this when your oldest is ready for it) Family time can be as simple as dinner time or snack time. Everyone loves to eat. When disciplining start with a positive, then discuss the negative behavior, the consequences, and end on a positive note of encouragement (ex. I know you can do it, you are smart, gentleman or dedicated, ect.) Go to the library read books, The Total Transformation has good information - I did not buy it; however, they have newsletters and I have read some of the information and tools. Good luck to all of you parents! We all deserve the support and hang in there are remember they will grow up and have there own teens one day!

Kim - posted on 10/09/2009

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Im sorry you are dealing wth this.....TODAY THESE KIDS ARE OF CONTROL, MOSTLY IT IS THE COMPANY THEY KEEP. TRY TAKING SOMETHING HE REALLY LIKES AWAY, PHONE, TV, ETC, AND BE CONSISTENT. I HAVE A 17 YEAR OLD WHO IS OUT OF CONTROL AT TIMES, AND A 9 YEAR OLD, WHO SOMETIMES WANTS TO FOLLOW. ..TAKING THINGS SEEM TO WORK.

Diane - posted on 10/08/2009

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When my girls were younger and started that cursing at me, I made them drink a tablespoon of tobasco sauce. It worked well for the oldest, but the youngest,being the stubborn mule that she is, made it to two tablespoons before she gave it up!

If things don't get any better, one can only assume they'll get worse. You might want to get in touch with your local Tough Love chapter if that happens.

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The problem was my daughter was living with her dad in Illinois and I live in Tx. (This changed happened the latter part of the 8 months). So when I came around, she had a totally new group of friends that I didn't know and didn't approve of from what I saw and yes I voiced that. I met some of the new ones and their attitudes were terrible. I talked to her old friends and they would say they didn't know anything because they don't talk anymore. I was trying to figure out what was wrong with my child. She went from passing all classes to failing pretty much all classes. New group of friends, very bad attitude, and just negative about everything. I say God is good and He is working so please pray about it because she is now passing, her lowest grade is a C. She is back to making plans for her future, which she'd given up on. And she's not so negative. The friends? They've changed somewhat, but I still hear of some that turn me off.

Some of them have to learn the hard way.

Sarah - posted on 10/08/2009

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Do you know who his friends are??? My oldest is 18 and always had good kids to hang around with, his brother, 16, was a different story. A few years ago he started causing problems until I started being pro-active with his friends..they were allowed to the house but he was not allowed there. No late nights, dances, or phone calls in other rooms and no computer communication that I couldn't be a part of. After a while he found a better crowd to hang with and I do not have the disrespect problem like before. My 7 year old was picking up the disrespect until he realized that he would get into trouble also and changed his ways too. Hope this helps, good luck.

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My daughter turned 16 last Novemenber and I guess she thought that meant we were equals. She no longer had to abide by my rules. The only time she cursed at me is when I was whipping her, and she went through the whole I hate you, etc... Let me say I was in SHOCK! The last time she had gotten a whipping was earlier in the year in March, this was only November, 8 months later. (I don't whip my girls' often because usually a few words from me was enough and they'd obey). But during those months (and somone else touched on this) she started hanging out with a new crowd. A older crowd with more freedom than she's allowed. So because she no longer wanted to abide by my rules, she now resides with her grandmother, who unfortunately allows her to do what she wants, when she wants, and how she wants. We didn't talk for a few months and when she finally did contact me it was very disrespectful. I had to tell her something I never thought I'd tell either of my girls. That was, do not contact me until you can respect me, and if thats never, then so be it. It took me a while to send that text (that was our mode of communication) but I had to. Tough love is what it is. DEMAND your respect. Period. Now when she contacts me, she is respectful. When she seems like she's out of line, which is telling me she wants something instead of asking for it, I ask for a correction and she gives one. No we still don't live together but baby steps. As for my other daughter (I only have 2) she only knows part of what happened, which is good, but she is aware of her sisters behavior. I don't talk in detail around the younger one but she was present for one of the episodes. Anyway, she is really turned off by bad behavior, cursing, lying, fighting, etc... She'd rather not go to school than attend a school where all of this is going on. Fortunately she goes to a pretty ok school. You just have to stand firm. Oh yes, and pray. I know that's that only reason my daughter and I communicate now. I know thats the only way she's made the progress she has thus far because she is still in a place where there is no discipline. It's hard, believe me I know but you have to stand firm and show the little one what behaviors will not be tolerated as well as the consequences.

Susan - posted on 10/08/2009

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I am telling you that if you dont get this under control very soon you are in huge trouble. You certainly dont need the little on picking up these habits. I know from experience. All this talk about his feelings junk is all fine and good but it wont work - he will manipulate and twist things to make you question YOU so he can continue to be rebellious. I am a single mother- my guess is you are too. My best advise is get a MANS prospective (someone you trust) on what he would do because us as Moms -well were Moms and we dont want to be mean etc. ITS SO HARD! Trust me as a mother that has been there and done that and needed REAL change and not a bunch of fluff and psyco babble that did nothing to get respect and peace in my house. . Men are not going to fluff and "communicate" while THEIR CHILD curses at them they are going to take action. Its the hardest and most REQUIRED thing I ever did - getting tough. I am not talking about beating them or anything.... its tough love and it takes practice. I also did this online parenting program I highly recommend it. I so feel for you. I have been in the throws for years with out of control kids and finally learned how to gain harmony love and respect in my home again .. and MY KIDS ARE HAPPIER.



http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/conten...

Stina - posted on 10/08/2009

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Kimberly,
I wonder if your Mom knew that your temperment would be affected most by her visibly showing her hurt. Pretty clever on her part if she did.

When I was a teen and we were having potty mouth issues, there was a jar on the counter where we had to put a quarter every time we cussed... But the time I called my sister a B****, my mom drew the line. Never dared cuss at my mom. She thought I did once and popped me on the butt. As a teen that was humiliateing since she'd rarely ever spanked me as a child and at that point it had been years since my last spanking. Definitely let him know you aren't going to stand for that kind of language from him Whatever it takes. I've seen lots of good ideas posted... at 16 I'd probably strip his room down and take away everything he loves for speaking to me that way. Then slowly add things back.
My son is only 5 right now so when he pulls out a bad word, I know he doesnt' fully understand it's meaning yet wich makes it a little easier to nip in the bud. I tell him it's not a word I ever want him to use and he gets to spend a significant amount of time alone in his room or he gets sent to the corner. Then, when I give Dad the rundown of the day later, he gets another talking to from Dad. But 5 is not 16... at 16, he's just being spiteful.

Holly - posted on 10/08/2009

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I know that it is hard not to yell or just react you are headed in the right direction make sure that he knows ahead of time the punishment and then stick to it. Let him know that it is his choice. The same thing goes for he 6 year old. I was a single Mom but had support from my family. Sometimes that octive lower voice from my Dad and Brother made all the difference in the world. My son does not curse me.

User - posted on 10/08/2009

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I only have a little toddler so maybe I am not the best person to give advice.. However when I was a teenager I said nasty things to my mom and she sat down and bawled. I felt so awful for hurting her feelings that I apologized and hugged her and never spoke to her that way again. If she would have disciplined me I probably would've just rebelled more against her but she didn't say a word she only showed me how sad and hurt I made her feel. Worked for my mom it may help you too. Good luck!

Christie - posted on 10/08/2009

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You mention that you've tried taking away stuff and grounding him, but that still doesn't work. Have you tried taking away EVERYTHING that is pleasurable and grounding simultaneously? I mean every last thing a teen could possibly find the least bit amusing? I am talking about removing the TV from his room (not just cable...I mean the actual set so NOTHING can be watched--if he has access to other TV in the house while you are out, put parental blockers on all channels, everything); all of his computer access (he needs it for homework? TOO BAD!!! Go to the library like we had to when we were younger and internet didn't exist); cell phone-GONE! no calls, no texts; house phone-gone (remove the handset); car, yep,GONE (no keys, remove the battery cables if you have to); no hand-held games, video games, bikes, skateboards, friends visiting, fast food, allowance, magazines, football games, decks of cards, dice, a pillow, NOTHING! Make him stay in his room during this removal of all good things in teen world for a set amount of days that you specifically let him know about as you remove items from his room that might bring any relief to boredom. Give him a book (make it a good book though), tell him to read it and WRITE a report for you to be done by the time his grounding has ended. Let him know that if this is not completed by that time, he'll get an additional 2 days (w/o his privileges and grounded, of course) to finish it up. Add 2 days each time until the report is finished, neatly written, and approved by you. (It really helps if you've read the book and can ask really specific questions instead of broad stuff he could get from friends or at school). Let him know that his foul mouth is not appreciated and this will be the result every time he swears at the house......I think he will get it pretty quickly and it will only take one time to make your point. Good luck!

Cathie - posted on 10/08/2009

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I am 61 years old and have raised 4 children that have grown into wonderful adults. When they were young I did not tolerate that kind of language! If I heard them swear they got a quick pop on the mouth...their disrespect and swearing didn't last long! I don't believe that taking things away from them is the answer. If they know what is going to happen when they are disrespectful they will think twice. A swat on the mouth is not abuse it is a firm way of saying don't do it again. I usually followed up with don't let me hear you say that again or I'll do it again!

Beyounca - posted on 10/08/2009

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Quoting Dena:

What is good dicipline for a child that is cusses at you,

My oldest son is 16 and has a terriable mouth sometimes. I have taken things away. Put him on restriction and so on and so fourth. Just short of beating him or slapping his mouth how do I get him to respect me. And more importantly stop him from talking like that to his little 6 year old brother, who now thinks its ok to talk like that too.



Who's the Mother? I'd pop him in his mouth everytime better yet whoop his ass. I would not even thing twice about. He's not. You are in control.

Lynn - posted on 10/08/2009

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What a great idea Theresa! Wish I had heard this when my son was doing this. The problem with him though was argueing with me or just being ugly with his younger sister. At almost 18, h was being so disrespectful with me, in addition to all the above, I started to take everything away and he ended up moving to his dad's for the summer. When it was time to return for his Senior year in HS, he realized that I wasn't going to change; that he was the one that had to change and so he decided to live with friends. It broke my heart but he's better for it now. It's been more then a year and he is finally realizing how tough it is out in the world and that it's important to work for what you want. And respect, wow, that has grown over the year too! He calls almost every day, for advice, for my opinion, or just to chat. Gotta love 'em!

Elizabeth - posted on 10/08/2009

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slap your child in the uk , you get the police on your door step asking them if they want to press charges against you. which i found out not so long ago , when my 14 yr old kept running away from home. its the first time i slaped any of my 5 kids in 22 yrs. i found that if you bring them up with respect you dont need to, parents who spoil thier kids and i know a few with just one spoilt rotton little brat, they are the ones who have the problems, my kids would never lift a finger to me, i very rarely shout at them and if they do play up, they go to thier rooms for a while, i only have to count to 3 and they know to get out of my sight. i asked my 16 yr old why she doesm she said , cos one day you might smack us. it would hurt me more to hurt my kids, but i have to say law or no law, if they spat in my face or hit me, they would get a good hiding. i wouldnt poke up with that behavior im afraid.

Roberta - posted on 10/08/2009

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Take away the cell phone and the car keys. Take away the x-box and other game systems. Worked for me and my 16 year old for a while. When he got too out of control I would call the police, and even had him taken away to the mental hospital when he was acting out in a dangerous way. He eventually ended up in a therapeutic boarding school for a year, which was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Pam Crayton - posted on 10/07/2009

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First of all, he has been around someone who also shows this disrespect to their parent or parents. Find out who he's hanging with, watch their mannerisms, see if you can figure out which friend it could be. If you find that it is one. explain behavior like that is unacceptable and the next time you hear it, he will no longer get to hang with that friend and he will get soap used to wash his mouth out. It sounds horrible and you may need some help doing it, but our son, now 31 remembers the day vividly and those dirty words got washed away! It worked for us.

Kathleen - posted on 10/07/2009

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Kids usually learn to behave the way they see their parents behave. If you have a husband that verbally abuses you or them or possibly disrespects you in other ways your children are usually going to do the same. I had a husband that disrespected me in front of our children and the children did the same. They learn from example. You can punish them but if your punishment doesn't stick because of no support, it is a waste of time.
I had my children get the bible out and right a page of why parents (mothers) should be respected. This helped for awhile. Try to lead by example. I have five children. So far, the oldest has become respectful and loving, just took time and lots of love and forgiving.

Jenny - posted on 10/07/2009

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First of all be very carful you don't cusses alot. It reminds me of a story about a mom and dad that were in the car and the traffic was ruff. the dad started to swear finally mom had enough and said g$% D@#$# stop swearing "dad" we have kids in the car. The older child (11yrs) looked at mom and said good one. If your kid is swearing look at what is going on around him/her do the friends do it? Does mom and dad ??? Is it just cool ??? YOu really have to be an investagator.

Karen - posted on 10/07/2009

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Have you heard of Empowering Parents.com and their total transformation program? Limit setting and adjusting what you tolerate is usually their great advice. I don't work for them, but I use their recommended techniques and have a nicer kid now! Start taking away the things he loves and he'll start agreeing to your rules. It's not easy, but nothing good comes easily. Good luck!

Stacia - posted on 10/07/2009

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Wow. I have an 18 year old and a 22 year old. I believe there comes a time in every teenagers life when they must understand that your job to raise them right is nearly over, but your adult relationship has only begun. Any adult relationship requires respect and clearly this young man is not respecting you or the rules of you house. Make certain that your expectations are very clear and make the consequences of failing to meet those expectations clear as well. You feel an obligation to provide a home for the younger child that does not include bad language, if the older son will not meet that expectation, then he can live elsewhere. period. He clearly believes he is old enough to use any language he chooses, and really, he's right, however there are consequences. I know swearing doesn't sound like a reason to ask a child to live elsewhere, but I don't think the problem is bad language, it's a lack of respect for you and your wishes. That is a VERY good reason to ask a teenager to leave. Do not use this strategy unless you can follow through with the punishment. Tough love. It's hard to do, but it is what they need when they start thinking they can do whatever they want.

Nancy - posted on 10/07/2009

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I was spanked from early on as a child and believe when I say it didn't hurt me a bit!! I am so thankful that my parents did not let me behave like I see kids behave today and I thank the Lord he gave me parents who weren't afraid to discipline. I know they loved me very much - enough to make me be a good, decent, respected human being. NO one likes to be around bratty kids. I also spanked my children and you know what I didn't have to do it much and they just knew better. I get compliments alot about how respectful my children are to everyone they meet. I couldn't be more proud then to have kids others like to be around!!!!!!

Janette - posted on 10/07/2009

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Wow, lots of advise here. I have a son that is 12 and at age 10 he was swearing, spitting, and physically attacking me. Yes there were other issues going on besides just bad behavior. But, one thing rang true. The behavior was unacceptable. One day he called me a fat bitch and spit in my face. Out of pure instant reaction, I slapped him across his face. It didn't leave a mark, but it stung. I really felt bad about the whole thing. I was upset with myself that I lost my cool and let him get the best of me. I was supposed to be the one in charge not him. However, the next time he thought about swearing at me, he thought twice. Ultimately, it was not the slap that caused him to stop his behavior, but the consistancy of the punishments which included loosing privleges (including loosing his door handle). He still tells me that the slap got his attention though and it was the start that shocked him into realizing I was serious. So, maybe you just need do do something to get his attention. Every child is different and you need to trust in yourself. I mean I even had a police office come to my home to tell me I should have let my husband whip my son's behind and another told me to sit on him or hold him down on the floor until he listened to me. Both had good intentions, but neither helped the situation. So, good luck. I hope your situation doesn't get as bad as mine did.

Shameron - posted on 10/07/2009

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The thing to remember in all child discipline is to be firm but fair and consistent in both. If you are demanding that your child not curse at you, he should not be allowed to curse at all. You start entering a grey area that leaves too much open for confusion. There should simply be no cursing allowed period. And each time it happens is met with no tolerance. There's something to be said for being understanding, but you cannot appear to be understanding when it comes to breaking the rules, otherwise the rules mean absolutely nothing. What punishments do you normally use for rule breaking? Mine are not teenagers yet, but I have trained them from an early age not to talk back and definitely took opportunities where I saw other kids cursing and talking back to use that as an example of what not to do "How did it make you feel when you saw that?" "what do you think that kid is like with his friends if he is willing to do that to his parents?" and so on and so forth. Things like this take training over a long time and cannot be treated by one simple punishment.

I think the best thing to do, is a) stop cursing yourself if you do b) point out times you see other children cursing and ask your kids to give their opinion on what they think of that child (you'd be surprised by the responses you get!!! Kids think it's appalling as well, it's just hard to sometimes make the connection between what someone else does and what you are doing) c) set a firm rule and stick to it. Do NOT WAVER under any circumstance. Make sure it is a rule that you can and will enforce and something that does not infringe on your family as that sort of punishment is only unfair to everyone else and not the perpetrator of the actions.

~Jennifer - posted on 10/07/2009

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I like the idea of taking away his room, but I also think that it would probably be disruptive to the entire family if he was housed in the living room......maybe.



What about simply taking away the door to his room? Tell him that when he can respect you and the rules of the house, you'll respect his privacy within the home.

Good luck!

Tami - posted on 10/07/2009

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Kids & adults say what they hear often. If it's on the shows, in the home or with kids or people you hang with, at the right moment of anger or expressions they & we will tend to say those words. Kids will do what they can get away with. Does he have a cell ph? Take it away for two whole days with no exceptions every time he cusses anyone or uses unappropriate language. If he drives, take driving privaleges, if not, take hanging with friends time away for a week. You have to try different things until you find what works. Getting him to respect you comes by showing respect for him & also by sticking to your guns on discipline. You can't be his friend & his mom, sorry. You have to be his mom first & teach kids what's right. A 16 yr. old doesn't develope a terrible mouth over night. It takes time of being allowed to get away with it & now that he's older it's harder to get him to stop. You have to try whatever you have to that will get his attention. What will upset him if you take it away for a few days? He needs to have a consequence that is not fun & he does not want it again. If he gets mad, you know you've taken something he doesn't want to lose & tell him that you don't like him talking that way & every time he does, he will have consequences to pay & stick to it don't give in no matter what his excuse or reasons are. They're is no reason good enough for him to speak to you, his brother or anyone else like that, even if he does it out of anger. Tell him to find better words to express his feelings to get his point across & stop cussing or else. & then you have to make a point not to do it yourself either (if you do) & If you do & he uses it against you (& he will) as to why he should be allowed, explain that it's not right for you to use it either & appologise for using it & tell him that you are working on not doing it also & that it would be easier if you had his help in not having that language tollerated at home & around smaller children. You have to keep on it tho. It can't be unexceptable one day then funny the next or over looked the next. If he uses it against you tell him it hurts you when he does it & you want him to not do it. I wouldn't worry about him running away, he won't. Even if he threatens to, tell him you hope he doesn't & that you love him but you cannot allow him to keep speaking to you & others like he is & stick to it or help him pack his bags. tough love sometimes is all you can do as a last resort. But I doubt it will go that far if you make some changes & stick to your guns even when he's mad. Him getting mad is good, it shows what you're doing is working, hang in there & get thicker skin when dealing with a teanager. Examples go a long way when teaching choices have consequences. I know I sound harsh but it works. Good luck.

Kris - posted on 10/07/2009

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In our house, cussing has never been allowed, and has not been a problem. But I started years ago when the neighborhood kids came over and used bad language and bad manners. They were sent home and told they could come back tomorrow when they could play nice and used nice words. Now that my boys are in high school, I do know they use some of the cuss words outside of the house. I still have a level of respect that my boys apoligize if one slips out, and they remind their friends too. You need to be consistent. If you say its not allowed, that includes you, dad, friends etc. Be tough and ready to follow through on any penalty you have choosen.

Cindy - posted on 10/07/2009

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Wow! I have read everyone thought on how to handle this situation and I sit here imagining this 16 yr old. I think back to my boys at this age. They new not to use these word infront of us, but as they got older somewhere they lost the respect. I ask them not to use that lanuage that I don't like it and they think I am nuts. Everywhere I look, kids at this day and time use these words like it is ordenary words. It's hard to punish them with spankings, a slape on the mouth or using dish soap, because some dr tells u that it will hurt their self esteam. I haven't yet seen the older generation loose to much of anything because of this type of punishment. The bible says to spare the rod and love the child. My brother had this type of situation put infront of him and he told his daughter that she will be spanked wheather she called the cops or not, but if she did call and he went to jail, she better be ready for the consciences when he got out. I belive u need to stay strong in what u blieve using tough love in what u feel is best to handle this situation and don't back down. If u say u are going to do something, follow through and stick to it no matter what. My son told me many years ago that he hated me. I believe he was 5 at the time. I calmly told him to strip to his underware and to leave the house and find someone that would give him what he wants in a parent. That he could not take anything that I had given him and I put him out the door. He came back in and told me he was sorry and none of my boys ever spoke those words again. Find something that u could use to help ur situation with both boys. I believe u can do it if u stick to ur guns nomatter how hard it is on u. Sometimes u may want to see if the 16 yr old may be drinking or on drugs. That does change their attitudes very much. Been through that and it is hard too.

[deleted account]

Quoting Jackie:

When my daughter (7) talks back or uses inappropriate language we put a drop of hot sauce on her tonge, it works!!



We did that too and with crushed red peppers till the boys started liking it lol and now they eat it on everything. I think the stuff they do on nanny 911 , CMT's worlds strictest parents and super nanny works better.

Stephanie - posted on 10/07/2009

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Honestly Parents are soft these days. If he is talking like that around your youngest child then discipline him in front of your youngest so he knows it is wrong. Take a bar of soap and stick it in his mouth for a few minutes. If that doesn't work then smack him. Grounding and taking things away only work for so long. It is time for some tough love.

[deleted account]

When my daughter (7) talks back or uses inappropriate language we put a drop of hot sauce on her tonge, it works!!

Sarah` - posted on 10/07/2009

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Oh please! Do the quick easy and effective. When I was younger I cussed in front of my mom (not even at her) and she washed my mouth out with soap. I would try that. It doesn't hurt, I just tastes horriable, but it works! and I would tell the little one if he says the dirty words his brother is using he would get soap too. If he's bigger than you get a good strong man to do it ie: dad, grandad, uncle.

Manetric - posted on 10/07/2009

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Might be some disagreement with me on this one but at 16 years old to use that type of language around parents is disrespectful. You don't want to humiliate him or whatever but I believe in tough love in certain situations. You said you've tried taking away things and putting him on restriction and it didn't work. Well, did you take away all of his freedom? When I got suspended from school in highschool my parents lectured me, then I had the chance to explain my side of things, then I was made me do some hard labor. Things like cleaning out refridgerator, the garage, the things nobody wanted to do. And yes, I did get a Whooping. Not a beating but my parents took a belt and applied it to my backside. You have to make them respect you. If they don't have respect for you, how will they respect authority in the real world when they are out of your home. And if you have to go to extreme look at sending him to like a juvenile boot camp or scared straight. Some kids go through a phase of trying to be so tough and have to be shown that they are not. It's been almost 10 years since I've been out of highschool but there were many kids like your son that I know.

[deleted account]

Quoting Wanda:

First, I try my best not to cuss in front of my kids. I tell them that it makes them sound uneducated, and if they choose to continue I make them write a letter of apology, in correct letter form (nothing gets mine better than having to write when they don't have to!). The letter has to include a list of other words that could be used instead of cuss words.



I totally agree, Thats a good Idea, I might try that getting them writing words that could b used instead, I try not to cuss but its hard for me so I am sure its hard for them. I was suprised at all the words they allow on TV these days. And I am very careful what I let my kids watch. They were watching Malcom in the Middle and they were cursing on Nickelodean. And The writing is good too, Mine dont like it at all, its just keeping their attention( all 3 boys have ADHD) to get them to finish it.  And every kid is different so what works for one might not work for the other. Good Luck

PLEASE dont use soap, why put chemicals in their mouth and possibly poison them, I know our parents did it and I have done it but other methods that dont involve chemicals not meant to be consumed work just as well!

Sally - posted on 10/07/2009

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Oh, Wow, was gonna say, don't Cuss around HIm, but he's a bit old, try to explain the 'Respect thing', if you respect me, you won't speak like that to me, and it's NOT appropriate to talk to Lil Bro like that, Grounding....??He's just asserting his new-found(?) Grown-up-ness, but try to impress upon him that it's really more cool NOT to talk like that, that People will look up to him more, I wish you luck, hope it's a short-lived thing!! Sally

Wanda - posted on 10/07/2009

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First, I try my best not to cuss in front of my kids. I tell them that it makes them sound uneducated, and if they choose to continue I make them write a letter of apology, in correct letter form (nothing gets mine better than having to write when they don't have to!). The letter has to include a list of other words that could be used instead of cuss words.

[deleted account]

I know it sounds wierd, and mine arent teens yet, but I make mine stand in the corner till they are ready to say there sorry, then thet have to give me a hug and we briefly talk about what they did wrong and what they need to do instead, and anger mngmt. techniques when they get mad. I wouldn't b to hard on them, we all cuss ocaisonally and they hear it on tv and from their friends so I guess its just teaching them to control it. I also had to start the yes mam and no mam, yes sir no sir, thing like my friend does with her kids bc they were really disrespectful to me and now as long as I am consistant, with all the dicipline, they are a little better with the cursing, back talking and disrespect. I've tried the taking the room/ stuff away and didn't really do anything but make his attitude worse. With 5 kids I don't have a lot of time to spend independantly with each so mabey some one on one talks or trying to get to the underlying issue might help. Alot of times kids get angry and the parents are clueless (i.e ME) and dont realize how they r feeling. Hope this helps.

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