what is the best way not to get angry everytime the kids are so hardheaded?

Ruby - posted on 06/05/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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everytime my kids are bein' hardheaded,I always end up spanking them because I really can't control my temper on them.. Due to many things to do and many household chores.. I'm the only one lookin' for my two kids.. sometimes, I really can'T control my temper..

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Mandy - posted on 06/05/2010

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being a mum is hard especially when you have no support. Stress is a horrible thing and not getting any help can make everything so much worse.
I don't spank, but that's not a judgement on the fact that you do. You do feel that you've lost control when you do that though. I always find that the best way to react if my kids are playing up beyond my limits, is make sure they are safe - littlest in the travel cot - then leave the room, I've even been know to stand outside the front door and take 5 mins for myself and just breathe.
I've also lowered my standards, as long as there isn't rubbish overflowing or mold on the dishes, and the kids and me have clean clothes, then sweeping the floor or other housework like that can wait. Spend time with your kids, they are probably playing up because they want your attention and want to have fun with you. If the sun is shining like it is here today, don't wash your dishes or hang out song washing, grab a ball or some tennis raquets and go to the park or into the back garden.
Also if something in the house really needs to get done, enlist the kids help, make it a game - my oldest helps me load the washing machine and hands me pegs.
Do you have baby groups or toddler groups in your area, these are a great way to get out of the house for some adult conversation and just a change of scene.
Most of all good luck and don't beat yourself up, we all have days were we would cheerfully strangle our children. You obviously love your children very much to ask for help.

Rebecca - posted on 06/05/2010

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I went through a heck of a time with my son when he was younger, we are both stubborn and he knew exactly how to push my buttons and get my temper flaring (at almost 14, he still does :))



My father gave this to me and I found it to be both humorous and helpful. My suggestion -> pick up a book called "A New Kid by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman. It discusses common sense parenting and discipline techniques and teaches you how to change the attitude, behavior, and character of your strong-willed child in as little as five days. Actually, it makes you look at yourself and how you "respond" or "react" to situations with your child(ren)



My favorite line from the book :



If the doctor says, "You responded to your medication," that’s good. If the doctor says, "You reacted to your medication," that’s bad! Reacting is answering without thinking … usually quite emotionally.



Hope this helps!

Diana - posted on 06/05/2010

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I agree with Mandy. You need to remove yourself until you are back in control of your own emotions. Disciplining in anger is not going to get you anywhere. I have also heard that if you whisper instead you get their attention. Kids will learn to tune out the yelling. If you whisper then they have to be quiet to hear you. Maybe a time out will be more effective. One minute in a chair or facing the corner for each year old they are. If they talk or fool you add a minute each time until they have been quiet until their time is up. You must be consistent in whatever method you use and have some good quality time with them as well.

Tia - posted on 11/18/2011

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I love spanking my kids! They love it too and ask me daily to whoop their little bums. JUST KIDDING! I really try hard not to spank, but having a sense of humor helps a TON!

[deleted account]

My parents spanked me as a child, but were always very careful to be sure that they were not doing so out of anger. I remember once, my mom needed some time to "cool off" so she set a time for 10 minutes and then told me I would be getting a spanking for my behavior as soon as the timer went off. I don't remember the actual spanking, but I do remember that awful 10 minutes waiting for the spanking! :-)

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Faithwg83 - posted on 07/27/2011

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Hello ! I'm new to this site and I know that it really helps me get through this rough AGE stage with my kids to talk with other moms who are going through the same things.

~~faith

Tracy - posted on 06/05/2010

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I've got two, and while I have a partner he's not their father, so I'm the disciplinarian. And because of his work schedule, I'm usually on my own with them anyway. There are times when it all gets too much, and I tell them the best thing for them to do is go play in their rooms for a while. OR I let them watch some TV and tell them Mom needs a time out and lock myself in my room for about 10 minutes and just breathe. I spent 5 years of my childhood with a stepb*&^h that made Mommy Dearest look sweet and cuddly. I've been through therapy to deal with the resulting issues twice now. I refuse to scar my kids the way I was scarred as a child.

There's a lot of good advice here, use what you can. For yourself and your kids, you so obviously love them or you wouldn't be here asking for help. :) Good luck to you!

Schyla - posted on 06/05/2010

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perhaps you should talk to a family counselor about some parenting classes now I'm not saying your a bad mom but I found that attending these classes have helped me learn ways to control my temper. My mother lost her temper quite easily and until I was 13 and we were watching the movie Mommy dearest and I pointed out that she acted like that she didn't get any help so the early years of my life were spent with a mother who lost her temper over the smallest things. when I found out I was pregnant i signed up for some classes and have gained a world of knowledge on how to discipline my children and how to control my temper. (witch I also have) the heath department (where you get wic) should be able to tell you where to find some classes. Also your child's doctor should have some suggestions on where to find some classes. There is nothing wrong with stepping back taking a few deep breaths and then returning. You've made the first and most important step in that you recognize that there is a problem. If your a single parent or if your partner is unavailable (say he's serving in the military) there are special classes out there for those groups as well. and most of them offer child care while your attending.

[deleted account]

If you are spanking because you can't control your temper... PLEASE stop! That is like asking for a disaster. I don't say that as an antispanker either.

Give yourself a time out if possible. Count to ten... or 100... whatever it takes. I KNOW it's hard.. Trust me, I'm outnumbered 3 to 1 in this house, but you and your kids will both thank you for it.

Cheryl - posted on 06/05/2010

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All good advice so far, Ruby, from the previous posters..We have all been there, I can't believe there is a mom or dad out there who hasn't lost their temper with their kids. I know I did, wi 3 boys!! But as has been written, to be calm, get their attention, give your instructions wi them looking at you then repeat back, "What did mommy say," so they understand you, then tell them what the consequences will be if they don't and let it be.. then if they don't comply, you don't get angry, you say, " what did I say?" "Did you do it? Do you remember what I said would happen if you didn't?" they answer you, yes or no..you have to get them to take responsibility and you have to work wi them in a calm normal voice.. Losing your temper is a habit and if you tried something like the above, after a while it will also become a habit, talking to them calmly and in control.. especially when you follow through with the consequences and they see you mean business!! The sense of control you gain by doing something like this is wonderful, the anger is your feeling like it is all out of your control!

[deleted account]

I found one thing that helped me was "mommy time out" Take 5 minutes to shut yourself in the bedroom and relax. I usually turn on music and do a suduko puzzle. Just like the kids, sometimes removing yourself from the situation for a few minutes is all you need.



As for the spanking, I am not against spanking when they deserve it, but it can not be out of anger. What I do with my kids is ask them to stop behavior, sometimes repeatedly. Then I give them a warning, "If you do not stop now I will..." Finally I count to three slowly. This process usually gives me time to cool off and I am not acting out of anger. Usually by the time I get to three the kids start to listen and spanking is not necessary



I have a hard headed kid as well, so I feel for you. It is hard not to get frustrated. I hope this helps.

[deleted account]

I found the only way to control my temper when my daughter really really gets hardheaded or to be way to much for me is walk away, take a few deep breaths, and repeat to myself.....it'snot as bad as I'm making it out to be. Then I go back and place her into time out. Spanking is a last choice here unless she's doing something really dangerous to herself or others.

Jaime - posted on 06/05/2010

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I feel you...as a former single mom, I saw myself doing the same.
Now, I speak to my children when I'm not angry and let them know what is going to happen, how it's going to happen, and what will happen IF they don't comply. And I have them answer questions regarding what I just said to ensure understanding...
Now when the event arrives when they don't listen...they get 3 and ONLY 3 opportunities to correct their INCORRECT choice of behavior... I do mean 3, not 3 plus talking to...that's also a reminder/opportunity to change behavior.
That's when the spanking on the rear occurs....
And the spanking events have gone down tremendously around here...
They see I'm serious and want them to do what is expected.

Good luck.

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