Jenna Lynn - posted on 07/28/2015 ( 1 mom has responded )
I feel really conflicted about this! It is very serious and I want a quick solution, but I have NO idea where to look for the problem or where to start. I am usually in control of my actions and emotions. But with this, it is like my brain is taking over instead! I have been keeping everyone at a distance for months and as much as I understand that I should appreciate positive attention, I honestly have about 10 guys on any given day, begging to be with me (whether they cover it up with more of a sentimental intention, or are just blunt about it).
I will be honest, I have a million reasons and events that would make any normal person respond this way to sex! (ie. a long history or rape and sexual abuse and being taken advantage of, a few occurances of physical abuse with men, last relationship being the first time in my life I was actually engaged and he was EXTREMELY mentally- and every other form- abusive, AND I have a very difficult time actually orgasming during sex or any intimacy!) I still enjoy the intimacy, usually! I am typically fine without getting off! Some men have gotten very frustrated that they can't get me to orgasm, but honestly at that point I just want them to quit. I don't like having sex for very long (more than a half hour or so) and about 75% of any partners I have had, I did not completely enjoy it! It's just a thing people do.
I know that having AND losing my ex, really messed with my head (and some of the last insults he said to me were sexual about me, the worst one was one of the last things he said to me- the last time I went to see him and we had sex, I could tell that he had already disconnected from me and it wasn't the same, it wasn't warm, it wasn't our connection, and I guess he had taken a picture of us and edited it after we were over that said "this is love" sarcastically with a heart next to me and the photo was titled "baby dont hurt me" like the song and he said "this is how I will always see you, and NOTHING more.") So, as you can see, I'm sure it is very obvious why I may get the incredibly strong urge to run whenever anyone hits on me or likes me like that, but it's not......
I have had a lifetime of experiences like that. A lifetime of running from the idea that I am only worth one thing, and still being smothered people who keep proving to me that I am! I am....
But then my brain tells me that I'm not. OBVIOUSLY that's not the right answer! Maybe I'm crazy, or wrong, or whatever......but all of the evidence sure SEEMS to prove otherwise. But my point is, these things have never made me completely handicapped toward sex! No matter WHAT happened, I could still always get back on the horse! (No pun intended.) I could still try!.....
But I can't even do it anymore. I just....can't. I don't want to kiss. I don't want to cuddle. Not really. I don't want to tell someone my secrets again. I don't want to be vulnerable OR comfortable with anyone again. I JUST WANT........sigh.....I don't know. I don't even know what I want. I just don't want to be like THIS I guess. I don't want to be someone that keeps disappointing people all the time or turning people down or everyone acting like there's something wrong with me or I'm being mean or I'm inconveniencing them anymore! I just don't know how to be the girl that doesn't have sex anymore, and I don't know if I want to, either!
I know what a mess I must sound like lol but any suggestions? Any vitamins or anything that helps with this? Any advice a sex therapist would tell me? I have a therapist but she hasn't said much about it yet.
I really appreciate it.
If I haven't said so yet- I'm a 26 year old female with a 7 year old beautiful son who is the best boyfriend I have ever had haha and am in court constantly with the father unfortunately and my life is more stressful right now than one person can possibly handle.