What is your opinion on marriage?

Lizz - posted on 03/24/2012 ( 32 moms have responded )

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So I need some opinions from people who are not in my family. I hope I don't drag this out and I am sorry if I do.

So my boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years this december and we have a beautiful 18 month old daughter together. We have been living together since about 2007 (only a couple months after we had started dating). We have had conversations about marriage and how my boyfriend is against it. I myself am totally for it. I believe in it, I feel that it is the "right" thing to do, especially when there is a child involved. I come from a divorced family where my mother ended up re-marrying. My brother and I never had the same last name as my mother and it didn't really cause any problems or issues with school and things like that, but it always did kind of bother me. I feel like being a family everyone should have the same last name. I know that is not the only thing that makes a family a family, trust me lol, but I feel that it should be like that. I also believe marriage gives a child a sense of security knowing that her/his mom and dad are married, not just "dating". It doesn't seem so perminant to me for my daughter to say that her mom and dad are boyfriend and girlfriend rather than husband and wife. Now my boyfriend has said to me that there is no point in having a peice of paper say that two people are in love and want to be together, if they want to be together just be together. Now that is not what marriage is about to me. It is NOT just a peice of paper saying that I want to be with him. It is vows infront of everyone we know and infront of God. We have been together 7 years and have a child together, I don't know what can be more commiting than a child! Lol. So I don't see what the big issue is to him. I want to be married. I don't want to go the rest of my life and not have my wedding day, that one day a women will never forget. I want that day. Now I am kind of starting to feel like if he won't marry me this relationship is a waste of time. Is that wrong for me to feel that way? We also have never gone as far as a serious serious conversation on getting married. It has always been in passing and stuff. Now my next question is what if I ask HIM to marry me? What if I don't wait for him to do it? And if I were to ask him, what if he says no? Does that then mean the relationship is over? That's how I feel. I need help. Someone please give me some feedback before I lose it! Lol, thank you.

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Johnny - posted on 03/24/2012

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Amy & Katherine have made excellent suggestions that I can't really add to. But I do have a question.



A few of my friends have gone through something similar, and for one, it was more about her husband not liking the "traditions" of marriage. He didn't like the whole wedding schmozzle, all the money spent on that day, even the idea of the father of the bride "giving away" his daughter. He didn't like the more traditional style marital relationships he'd seen where men were in one set of roles and women took on others. He was afraid their relationship would change and become something different, that it would be forced into a set of traditional ideas.



So I am wondering if you and your husband have ever talked about the nitty gritty of his objections, more than just that he sees it as a piece of paper? Does he not like weddings? Not want a wedding? Does he have negative feelings towards marriage for some reason?



When my friend and her now husband discussed it, and everything became clear. She gave up her idea of a big wedding and they had a small ceremony in park with just the two of them and a witness (whom they barely knew). On of their vows was to make their marriage unique to them, and not follow "the rules". She had to give up on her dream of the big wedding to have the marriage she had always wanted.

DoubleA - posted on 03/30/2012

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Mine is the same way. " what do u want me to say" and I tell him he's just hurting me more but acting like he doesn't care! So I know how u feel on that one. It really is hard. Sometimes idl what to do. Sometimes I just wanna leave and move on with my life and other times I just want to stay for my kid. It's confusing and heart tearing.

[deleted account]

He is sending you mixed messages... to talk about who you would have in a wedding party "if" you got married and then in the next breath to tell you to "drop it" is very unfair and is playing with your emotions. Not fair at all....

[deleted account]

I don't really have any advice.... but..... why does he think that you should just "drop it" to respect how he feels about the whole thing. Why can't he listen to you and what your whole take on it is out of respect for you? Why do his feelings matter more than yours? If he is committed to you and says he is committed to you then why is it so hard for him to sit and listen to you? What is he so afraid of?

Kagisho - posted on 03/29/2012

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If he loves you and cares about you he'll come around. If he doesn't and you feel strongly about it move out. And see if he still feels the same way. Maybe it is the "why buy the cow..........." thing that's making him feel relaxed about hte whole thing. He has a woman taking care of him in every aspect of the way and so he just thinks it's a piece of paper. Move out for a bit and tell him you're only gonna move back in if/when he proposes and does it seriously.



Good luck

32 Comments

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Lizz - posted on 03/30/2012

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@ Sharon- Thank you I said the same thing! And he doesn't see my point! It gets to the point where I am so upset about it that I am in tears and he is asking what the hell is wrong with me!? Sometimes I just want to slap some sense into him! Haha. @ Little miss- Oh I am totally the same way! I am a stay at home mom and go to school while he works so he always makes comments about me being a "house wife" I said yeah but I'm not your wife remember? Then he will go oh but you are my "wifey". I don't get it I just don't understand him. It drives me up a wall!! I have told him that I feel like I am wasting my time being with him if the relationship is going nowhere and he just shakes his head like he doesn't care and I will say to him that you are hurting me even more acting like you don't care and he will respond with something like what do you want me to say. Umm hello those four simple words will do!! Lol

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/29/2012

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I sure as shit would not be acting like a wife any further if he cannot even discuss it. I am a bitch though, I would cut off sex and say "we already have one child out of wedlock I don't want another" not cook, clean, nothing. i would be honestly down right pissed. I do not play nice when treated that way though.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/29/2012

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I think and feel the same way as you. If he thinks of it as a pointless piece of paper, and he sees how much it means to you, then it should not be a big deal for him to do it. I do think it is time for you to sit down and have the serious conversation and don't let him walk away from it. Tell him everything you have told us. And if marriage is that important to you, you may need to decide if it is important enough to walk away from him for it to happen. I would hate to see a family break up, but I can totally understand a person in a 7 year relationship wanting that final commitment. I can see how being together for that long and still calling him your boyfriend, not even your fiance can be embarrassing....especially since you have a kid together.

DoubleA - posted on 03/29/2012

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I feel the same exact way. I've tried talking to mine about it but he I get the same response. The drop it crap! I hate it. And I've started to feel the way in which if were not going to get married than I really feel like I'm wasting my time. We're living with his mom right now to save money for our own house. But to me.... Why should we buy a house together if we're not going to get married. I feel like that would be a stupid move. And marriage is really important to me. I stressed that as soon as I found out I was pregnant an he did nothing about it. Even this valentines day. I had circled All kinds of jewlrey in this jewlrey magazine and packed his lunch and stuck it in there. He didn't mention any part of any of it. Nor did I get any peice of jewlrey on valentines day. ( there was more than just wedding rings in there. I even circled necklaces , earring and such) and we've been together 3 years and I have not one peice of jewlrey from him. It really makes me feel that it's just me that he doesn't want to marry. He treats me totally different than his exs.. Some good thing and some bad ways.. All in the past year his cousin ,sister,brother, his two best friends, and even another closest cousin all got married in the past year and he was in all their weddings. I've thought about all this a lot and there for a time I was even putting a time limit on it. Like of he didn't at least ask me in the next 3 years. Then I should move on. Because he if he didn't ask me in6 years total. That he'll never ask me. And that I would def not buy a house if were not even engaged. Am I wrong for thinking that?

Bonnie - posted on 03/29/2012

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In my opinion, if he doesn't want to talk about it ever and gets very defensive than maybe it is because he doesn't want to be tied down. It is way easier for him to just get up and leave. Sorry to say it, but it is true. There are many like that in this world. It might be time to move on.

Sal - posted on 03/29/2012

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I felt just line you did, We had planed to get married but s move and a baby got priority and in the end I would of been happy to just do it at the court house too, we did have a small wedding and I am really content to be married so I fully get where you are conning from, just don't throw away a good relationship over it, he has been honest all along about not wanting to get married and you still had a bub with him, good luck it is such a hard Place to be in

Lizz - posted on 03/29/2012

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@ Sal- It is not so much about the day as it is about making our family complete. I told him I didn't care if we went downtown to the J.P. did our ceremony there and just had a party/reception type deal. I don't care as long as it is official and my last name is the same as his and my daughters I couldn't care less how it is done. I mean yes in the perfect world I would have my huge wedding with all the trimmings and my princess dress but... That is obviously not what I am getting lol. So at this point I'll settle for anything.

Lizz - posted on 03/29/2012

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@ Sharon- I have been wondering all those questions the entire time also!! Thank god I am not the only one who asks those questions! I said to him last night something along the lines of "it is very important to me to make us a family, I know that we already are because we have a child together but a marriage makes it complete, to me at least." I said I don't understand what you are so afraid of, it sure as hell can't be the committment because you had a child with me and that is just as much of a committment as marriage if not more! He never has given me a reason really as to why he doesn't want to or what he is afraid of he always just says drop it. He used to work on this dinner cruise downtown called the Nautica Queen and we have sometimes talked about getting married on that boat because it was a big part of our lives together. Last night before I brought the entire conversation of us getting married we were just shooting the breeze talking about who would be in our wedding party if we were to get married, how I would LOVE to get married on the Nautica in the winter so we can have the half frozen water in the backround of our pics and he was conversating along with me about it like he was as much into it as I was. So that's the whole reason why I brought it up last night and as soon as I did I got the "drop it" response. So now I feel like I am be given two different signals and idk what to do.

Sal - posted on 03/29/2012

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Is it just about the day? You have already committed to each other by living together and having a baby, if it is about the day , maybe you can compromise have a blessing with a celebrants, party beautiful dress, celbrating your love and relatioship, but doing it your way, he is not getting married but you get your special day....bit like the difference between naming day and a baptism

Sal - posted on 03/29/2012

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Is it just about the day? You have already committed to each other by living together and having a baby, if it is about the day , maybe you can compromise have a blessing with a celebrants, party beautiful dress, celbrating your love and relatioship, but foing it your way, he is not getting married but you get your special day....bit like a naming day and a baptism

Kagisho - posted on 03/29/2012

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Personally I understand your boyfriend's point of view. I don't wanna get married. My boyfriend and I have been together in a relationship for 15 years, the first 6 we were about 600miles apart; then we lived in the same town and for the past 6 years we've been living together with the kids. When we met I already had a son and they hit it off from day one, He's 18 now. Then we had two daughters 13 and 11 respectively. I think my boyfriend is the best father to the kids, best partner, lover and friend I could ever ask for. My parents fought all the time when I was young; sometimes it was physical and extremely traumatising to me and my siblings. Then one day my dad just walked out and my mom (who was a house wife) was left to struggle to raise un on her own. She was too proud to bother him with child support and she didn't want to admit that she was struggling. The thing is they were in love and got married for what they thought were the right reasons but when things went bad they just bailed out, and didn't think twice about us their kids.

Between us my boyfriend and I have gone through many thing together; his operation in 2005, our daughter's apendix op in 2009, issues with jobs' family, etc. but we've always been there for each other. We even have a photo that we named 'through thick anfd thin'. All I'm saying is that to be commited and in love one doesn't have to be married; today married people can simply walk out when the going get's tough, as divorce statistics show. One should be commited in the heart. I know it feels good to have everyone know he/she is yours by legalising and celebrating it.

I have my issues why I don't want marriage and even though he feels strongly about doing it he has put up with me for all these years. I actually recently agreed to do it because it means so much to him; to him it's like a right of passage or something like that. I feel he is a great guy so now he's actually my fiancee. But personally i wouldn't mind just living with him and parenting our kids together without the marriage certificate and the rings



So Liz I hope your guy can meet you halfway, but don't give up on him. You might leave him to marry someone who's not gonna love and cherish you the same way. I'd say weigh his negatives against his positives; Make your final decision based on that.

Stifler's - posted on 03/28/2012

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Your relationship is not over if he rejects your marriage proposal no. I understand wanting that day! I proposed.

Lizz - posted on 03/28/2012

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Here is a bit of an update- We had our conversation, I started talking and he started to get angry. I asked what was wrong he said he doesn't want to talk about this, I said you never want to talk about this but we need to. He said I know I never want to talk about this, you should take the hint. Guess I got my answer =( *tear*

[deleted account]

some people feel that way. my husband's parents were together for 17 years before getting married, his cousin has been with his girlfriend for 22 years. for some people it really is just a piece of paper, especially given the divorce rate being what it is marriage isn't as secure as it once was. if he is unwilling to get married and it is really important to you then maybe it is time to move on.

Lizz - posted on 03/25/2012

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I don't think that being married is going to change our relationship, as in make it better or worse. I have taken his feelings about a lot of things into consideration in our relationship also. I really have, that is why this hurts my feelings so much that he hasn't been willing to even really talking about a compromise on the subject. I know very well that he is commited and I am very grateful for that because both of us have been burned in the past. It is just the fact that marriage makes the relationship, to me, feel more complete (not sure if that is the word I want to use, but you understand). And like I said before marriage to me isn't just a peice of paper. It is WAY more than paper.

Kay - posted on 03/25/2012

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If it is important to you, it should be important to him.



My fiancé asked me to marry him four years ago--and then, nothing. For four years, I felt like it was almost that he had asked just for me and that it wasn't going any further. This is his second marriage, and honestly, he wasn't 100% sold on it. His ex cheated and it tore their family apart.



Finally, I broke down on him one night. I said, Babe, I don't know when I misled you into thinking marriage wasn't important to me, but it is. After talking that night, he has been much more committed to the idea than he was before. The problem was, we weren't being open about our needs and priorities around the matter.



If you don't talk to your boyfriend--really talk, deeply and seriously--you won't know where he stands and even if you choose to leave, you will lack closure regarding this question, and that can follow you into future relationships. In the end, you will each have to make decisions but open and honest communication on the matter has to come first.

Amanda - posted on 03/25/2012

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Personally I am married, but that has never changed my relationship with my husband. You are "techly" married, you live together and have a child. You are far from "dating", not even sure how that concept comes into play when you live together. He has made a commitment to you, he lives with you and is raising a child to you.



Though I agree he should put into consideration of your feelings about marriage, but you should also put into consideration his own views on the matter.



Do you really think getting married is going to change your relationship? If the answer is yes, then maybe you shouldnt be in this relationship, because if marriage is going to change things, then your relationship isnt the way you want it anyway. Btw marriage doesnt change a thing!



A committed man, doesnt need a piece of paper to tell him who he loves.

Lizz - posted on 03/25/2012

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I never really thought it if like that, a ceremony to re-affirm the commitment. That is a good idea, thank you!

Krista - posted on 03/25/2012

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You might need to try re-phrasing it. A lot of guys seem to feel that there's no need to get married, if they're already completely committed the relationship.



Perhaps he'd look at it differently if you said that yes, you know you're husband in wife in every way that matters, but that you want to have this ceremony to celebrate and re-affirm that commitment, and that if he's not comfortable with a big showy wedding, then you're more than willing to compromise and find something that he is comfortable with.



AND, maybe say that you realize that this isn't important to him, but it IS important to you, so you hope that he will take that into consideration.

Lizz - posted on 03/25/2012

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@ Michelle, he also considers me his wife and I do consider him my husband. He introduces me as his wife to his family and friends and his mom calls me his daughter in law and everything. It is the day that I want. The dress, the flowers, the church... Everything. But if that is what he is afraid of is the "traditional" aspect of it all then I will give that up to marry him. We can go to the justice of the peace for all I care! Lol. I just want to be his wife, I want us to share the same last name. I feel like an outsider sometimes, like when we get mail and it says my husband and daughters first and last name and I have to get a seperate envalope because we have different last names lol. Sounds petty but I'm being honost. I don't want to give up on this relationship. We have been together, like I said, for 7 years. I don't want my daughter to not live with her mom and dad but I feel like there are things you do in a relationship to "move to the next level" if thats what you want to call it. I guess we will have to have that heart to heart.

Michelle - posted on 03/25/2012

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Your boyfriend is right marriage does not always mean you are showing a commitment, I got married and had that piece of paper and it meant nothing to my now ex husband and it wasn't like I pressured into getting married he asked, I said yes, we had a big traditional wedding which I didn't want and then his expectations of our relationship changed. However our divorce was due to him committing adultery not that issue. This could be what your boyfriend is afraid of is that you will expect him to make a whole bunch of changes as to who he is when that paper is signed. Sit down have a heart to heart with him about why he is against marriage make sure you both talk openly about each others feelings and understand that he may not be ready yet and if you truly love him then wait for him. Or decide which is more important that wedding or him. I am not married to the father of my daughter we are happy and have a happy family like any married couple we have our ups and downs but we have both been hurt by people we felt we needed to be married to so are taking things slowly I consider him my husband he considers me his wife we just don't have that official paper.

Amy - posted on 03/24/2012

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I think he's made it clear to you it's not something he wants. Now you have to decide how much you really want it. If it's something that is very important to you and it sounds like it is you have to decide to wait for him to come around to the idea, ask him and get your answer, or move on. If you ask him and he says no it doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is over unless you decide that marriage is more important than this relationship. There is no right or wrong answer, they're answers you have to decide for yourself.

Lizz - posted on 03/24/2012

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Yes I totally agree. That is what really hurt my feelings is when I was explaining to him how this is what I want with my future and he showed a slight interest in giving me what I want but then it just goes away. Some days he is ok with talking about it and looking at pictures of colors and dresses and things of that nature and other days he is just "you know my feelings, drop it". I think i am going to make a night for just the two of us, get a sitter and go out. Have the conversation then. I am just afraid of the conversation of either you respect my feelings and come to a mutual agreement or I leave. I just don't want to put anymore time or effort into this relationship if it is a dead end you know? Thank you for your words =)

Katherine - posted on 03/24/2012

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For him to say marriage is just a piece of paper says it all. He is essentially saying, "I'm not ready." So you have a few options. You can sit down and have a serious talk with him, OR leave. The fact that this is important to you should mean something to him. He should be respectful of that. He is not showing any kind of interest in how you feel.



I would sit him down and say, "this is the last time I'm asking." do you want to get married? If he says no, then you know where your relationship lies. You have your answer. Then there is no sense in working yourself up. Because he is NOT ready.

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