what's going on with my mother?!

Elen - posted on 02/13/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )

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my husband, kids and I moved from Az to Ca... temporarily staying with my mother until able to move out (hopefully very soon)...I finally convinced my husband to leave Az to be with my family - mom, sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews.. I wanted the kids to grow with them and play with their cousins...I told my husband my mom would gladly watch the kids any time and we can finally go out at night alone... but things went crazy once we got here, I will make it short and not give many details because I can almost write a movie about this more like a comedy-drama type... but I noticed that after 9years or so of not really living with them or seeing them too often they have kind of changed or I just don't know them anymore is like I don't even belong anymore they're grumpy, greedy, unfair, and make a deal about anything! sometimes they're nice and next thing u know they're talking about us...my mother is not the nice grandma I thought she was she even feeds her animals like dogs and cats and screams at the kids saying go a way let the animals eat when all the kids want to do is play! once the kids ate some watermelon (which I think I even bought) and she was saying it was for her turtle pet! is just too many things....we can't shower at certain times, can't do laundry, don't use electric...we can't be at the living room, many times we get encourage to go out (wonder why right?) ... we pay 1/4 of the mortgage to stay in 1 room but we bring food for everyone to eat even visitors, I help my mom with a lot of things ( that was my reason of moving with her too) and sometimes she does help me too but is definitely not what I though...she complains a lot and seems like the only reason she told me it was okay to move in with her was because of $$$...so now I am sad and disappointed that here I come with my good hopes and kaboom big surprise all my family cares is about money! this is the worst part - she dare to say I should've help my husband by not having so many kids -I got 4... she had 5... my husband and I are both veterans with degrees and job experience just not a very good situation right now...she didn't even had half that and she tells me this?! sorry I forgive her for all she's done I still love her but I don't think it will ever be like I did before now that I know how she really is...there's more insanity in this story but perhaps I will save it for the movie or book I will write one day....

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/13/2014

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2014

“I told my husband my mom would gladly watch the kids any time and we can finally go out at night alone...”~~ Ah, but did you ASK MOM first? Or did you just assume that because she was grandma, she’d be happy to watch them?

“...my mother is not the nice grandma I thought she was she even feeds her animals like dogs and cats and screams at the kids saying go a way let the animals eat when all the kids want to do is play!” ~~You do realize that she was keeping the kids from possibly being mauled or bitten? Food aggression is common in animals, and a very common source of animal bites and injuries to children is allowing the children to interfere with a pet eating. Mom was right in this case. Kids don’t need to be playing where animals are eating.

“....we can't shower at certain times, can't do laundry, don't use electric...we can't be at the living room” ~~To this I’d have to say “her house, her rules”, although I’m not sure what the living room issue would be…

“we pay 1/4 of the mortgage to stay in 1 room but we bring food for everyone to eat even visitors, I help my mom with a lot of things ( that was my reason of moving with her too) and sometimes she does help me too but is definitely not what I though...she complains a lot and seems like the only reason she told me it was okay to move in with her was because of $$$...”~~Ok, so did you ask mom if you could move in and offer to help her with expenses? Or did she ask you to move in in order to get help with expenses? Two different circumstances. To be quite honest, if you are a married adult, living in your parents’ home with your family, you should be contributing not only to mortgage and groceries, but also utilities (perhaps that’s the reason for not allowing you to use electricity?), maintenance & upkeep. If you are not paying enough, pay more. Make sure that you’re paying your fair share.

“she dare to say I should've help my husband by not having so many kids -I got 4... she had 5... my husband and I are both veterans with degrees and job experience just not a very good situation right now...she didn't even had half that and she tells me this?!”~~Perhaps it was an observation that your financial situation may be more manageable if you’d had fewer children. She may feel that she has the ‘right’ to comment on your situation, since you’re living in HER home, as a married adult with children. In order to interpret that, you need to look at how you were raised. She may have had 5 kids, but did she raise you right? Did she and your father move in with her parents while you were young, or did they do it on their own? Perhaps, if that was the case, she feels that you and your husband should have planned better, in order to be in a better financial state?

Last paragraph was total speculation, as I’m not sure why mothers feel it necessary to comment on the number of kids that their own kids have after they’re grown. With my mom it was constant negativity about me being pregnant, etc. Which I wrote off, told her to mind her own damn business, and moved forward with my life…but for some reason moms feel inclined to comment on or criticize the number of kids their kids have…

At any rate, I’d work on getting your feet under you a little sooner, so that you can get into your own place. Family is great. From a distance. Depending on the family, the distance may vary. LOL

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Elen - posted on 02/13/2014

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thanks I am glad you were on her side because I need to be able to see how she sees things and not just from my perspective ... is just that some of her complains just seem kind of rude to me. But let me let u I did assume but I had also asked...reason is she always watched my brother's kids any time and for free he also has 4...she even had to raise one of them up to 3 years old or so...and she watches many times the rest of her other grandkids so why would I be the exception...anyhow that's not a big deal I am sure she's still willing to do it if she is in a good mood or if I give her something money or whatever...
about the dogs I see ur point and u're right but the funny thing is she's not really worry about the kids being in trouble just her animals not being bothered because some of her cats get scared and run away if people walk or make noise when they eat... so is crazy and I am not giving many details because is lame and just crazy the way they take care of their animals I like animals too but I don't prefer them over my kids...even my 6 yr old told me why grandma likes her animals better than us now that's sad! or we're just too sensitive for the way my family now is...anyhow no big deal again I sort of understand...
Now her house her rules, true that's how it goes .but I find it rude because her house and rules are just too crazy...well, is her house right but before this situation I even offer her to come and live with us in our house and I would never treat her the way she treat us always talking about money and bills and how we don't pitch in enough...not a way to treat guest I know we are staying longer than we all wanted to (6 mos already) but we're not free loaders we always have something to give...even when I wasn't living at the house I left at 18 I setup monthly payments for her for a few years up then I stopped cause I had to take care of my own family... I know I am a grown adult I don't want to live with her but I chose to do so (just for a time) not only for my own good but to help her as well specially cause my dad passed away about 8 yrs ago or so and I wanted to be with her before something happens to her since she's about 60 or so...she lives with my oldest sister who 's rarely home and she doesn't really help her like I do...except she does pay most of her bills and the mortgage is about 1800 we give 400+food+services... so maybe not enough... but my husbands convinces me for what we get is a fair share ...
Before I moved I asked my mom can we moved until we get on our feet she said sure this is your house all nice not even mentioning about paying anything but when my husband got a job 2-3 months later we started paying then but then she always has financial issues so she starts bugging us she even told me I was supposed to be a business for her real plan was for us to pay her bills and anything she needed I guess in exchange of living there or maybe she was taking about how I would pay her to watch my baby while I worked a full time job (which I am still working on)...still things that she says sound too bad and not sure if she notices that or she really means it all mean like that... Total speculation on the last paragraph I don't agree because too many details to give but our financial situation is not total chaos it was sort of a choice for a good cause...to tell you the truth she would be the worst person to have an opinion on how we handle our finances since there's a reason why it seems she only cares about money...and believe me I am working so hard to get out of her house is just a matter of time but some things happen for a reason and I will sure ask God one day why did it have to take so long for me to get a job when I most needed it...sometimes I wonder if is because of my kids because to tell you another truth my plan was for both of us to work and she would watch our kids and we would pay her of course but not so sure I trust her so much anymore...mmmm....

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