what should i do?

Shannon - posted on 04/17/2011 ( 26 moms have responded )

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what should i do when my husband wont let the father of my oldest dughter pay support or visit her? my ex hasnt always been there but i believe in second chances, and cant deny that i need the extra money to support her?

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My ex bailed on me when our son was born, was almost completely nonexistant in our 3 children's lives until that son was 1.5, flat out admitted in court that he had raped me while we were married, and he STILL got unsupervised visitations granted as soon as we went to court. I do have full physical and full legal custody of all 3 of our kids, but that doesn't eliminate his rights to visitation or their right to know their father.

Proceed w/ caution, definitely, but as much as you (or I) may not like it.... Our children and their father's have a right to a relationship that is theirs and not ours. Good luck w/ it all!!

Jodi - posted on 04/18/2011

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"my husband and i gave him a chance before to see her and he did then we didnt hear from him for months. although i feel partially responsible for that because i did not let him have a contact number and he has no way of seeing facebook nor my email..so i feel like im to blame for his lack of contact. "

Um, that would make you FULLY responsible him not contacting you. Honestly, is this what you want your daughter to know? That you didn't facilitate a relationship with her biological father? I understand that your husband has been in her life and treats her as one of his own, but that still doesn't give you the right to cut out her father if he wants a relationship. It sounds to me like you have pretty much cut HIM out of your life. How can you claim you have given him a chance, but not give him your contact details? That's not giving anyone a chance.....

♥TIA♥ - posted on 04/19/2011

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Wow, Tough one. But I know your husband has great intentions of love to protect your daughter from such a flaky father that can psychologically effect her in negative ways, for instance my friend was in your position. Her daughter ended up with eating disorder because of the past bad situations that kept recurring in her dads life in which her mother moved on with a greater better man. But because of the effects of a flaky dad and still a witness to all unreasonable times of an unsteady life of him in and out whenever. She grew very disturbed. After the mother and her new husband decided to keep it strict and more on THEIR terms for what's best for the child, if real father liked it or not. It didn't matter. The love and effort to be the blanket and comfort for her biological dads failures and shortcomings. Did become her strongest foundation in life. As she grew up 2- 3 more years older dealing with it all. She realized on her own and made her own decision that her biological father isn't that important as her biological mother and her step father that has become the dad in her life. With that said, it was then easier for my friend to take her husbands advice in the dad type of way for the concern of the child to not care so much that it made it easier for the biological father to back off and let them live their lives and stop being such a jerk. And allow the child to make the decisions of weather it was worth the time and effort to talk to biological father or accept his useless gifts.

I hope that helped. I don't know anything else to say. Good luck and some of the women already did mention legal issues should be considered to keep you, your husband and your ex to bicker among each other. Doing so will allow the child to be free from thinking or feeling that she is the problem.

Veronique - posted on 04/18/2011

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I don't want to be rude, but your husband should stay out of this one. I understand that maybe he wants to protect your daughter from any emotional hust your ex might do to her but if the guy is stepping up and taking responsability for his daughter and is willing to pay and see his child then by all means let him and your husband has no say in this. Plus if you need the extra help then why not......
Good luck

26 Comments

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Shannon - posted on 04/18/2011

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My children have all been cloned by me, its funny when people see my oldest daughter with my husband they say she looks like him (she has darker hair than the rest of the kids) I hope all works out in the best interest of your child and that you are able to find a common ground somewhere, Good Luck!

Shannon - posted on 04/18/2011

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thank you shannon, that was really helpful and minus a few years the situation is similar, he didnt want anything to do with her while i was pregnant, even went as far as to deny our child,,,too bad she looks just like him

Shannon - posted on 04/18/2011

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yes i have a document stating that i have full legal custody and yes he is on her bc, and like shannon said there has always been one way or another to contact me, his mom and my aunt are good friends and my aunt always knows how to contact me so there is no reason he could not of asked her sooner.

Shannon - posted on 04/18/2011

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In Ohio when i had my oldest daughter i had full custody until her father went to the courts and actually claimed responsibilty for her, then of course child support was set up. My ex tried to use the "i didn't know how to contact you" line on me, but his DAD was able to contact me, his brother is still close friends with my sister and i have several relatives that still have the same phone/address that they had when we were together, not only that but because of our situtation i kept in contact with our local CSEA, with updated information so that if he TRULY wanted to see my children he was able to. IMO, if someone wanted to see their child they would move heaven and earth and they would contact mutual friends or other family members to get your contact information.... How did he get in contact with you recently? My personal situation, what hurt my husband the most was the fact that my ex told us he wanted nothing to do with my children, he was too busy partying and wasn't "cut out for this dad stuff" he even called the CSEA to state this when i was 6 months pregnant with our second child and then after 7 years tried to come back in and disrupt the family unit we had made. After a yr of no contact my husband was able to adopt them with no contest but we held off for the seven years giving the ex more of an opportunity to step up and he never did. My suggestion is to call your local CSEA, talk to them and see what your legal standings are, None of us know every piece of information for your particular situation, But i think we would all agree that as mothers we all do what we feel is right for our children. Good luck

Jodi - posted on 04/18/2011

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So just because you are not married to the father you have full legal custody? Are you sure it works that way? I only ask, because that just isn't the case in most places, so you need to make sure that this IS the situation. Is he on the birth certificate?

Jodi - posted on 04/18/2011

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I am glad you are in a position that you can move forward. I would suggest you either look at making some agreement with him for a regular visit (even if only a few hours a week). IF he does decide to take you to court and you have been denying him, it could be a problem for you. If you are seen to be co-operating, it will look good for you.

If you are concerned about abuse, suggest supervised visits initially to see how he goes. I am not sure where you live, but I do know that here in Australia there are centres that supervise visitation and can provide reports on the interaction. It does cost money, but if you have concerns, it is a good start towards finding a level of visitation that you are comfortable with.

I would also definitely suggest you get some proper legal advice. The last thing you want is to be in a position where you have denied access and could risk losing custody altogether (this is NOT unheard of).

Shannon - posted on 04/18/2011

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no court order...he's said several times over the past yr that hes goin to take me to court but he has yet to follow thru. and i agree how i feel towards him doesnt matter, i have forgiven him as the lord has asked and ive moved on n im happy

Jodi - posted on 04/18/2011

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Well, that's another thing you didn't mention. These things make a difference to the response you receive.

Unfortunately, unless you have records of this, there is little you can do. Do you have a court order relating to custody at all? And what does it say?

You need to start keeping a diary of EVERYTHING. This is going to be the only record to back you up in a "he says she says" court battle that this is likely to end up as if you keep denying him custody (unless he genuinely isn't interested).

And if I can be blatantly honest, when my son was young, my ex only saw him every other Sunday for 3 hours, because my ex couldn't be bothered with such a young child. But now he spends entire weekends or weeks with his dad. My feelings about his father are irrelevant. This has progressed in this way because I continued to encourage and nurture the relationship between them DESPITE how I felt. I could give you a history on it that you can probably relate to. As the custodial parent, sometimes you have to take the high road for the long term benefit.

Shannon - posted on 04/18/2011

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i shouldnt have to say it just to relive it again. what about neglectful? when i did let him see her and visit he would pawn her off on everyone so he could go run around n do everything BUT spend time with his daughter

Jodi - posted on 04/18/2011

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You asked the question. I answered based on the information you gave. You never said anything about him being abusive.

HOWEVER, having said that, just because he was abusive towards you does not mean he would be abusive towards your child. You see, I DO know something about abusive exes. I have one (divorced 11 year now). But he is not abusive towards our son (now 13). Cutting off communication is NOT a way to deal with it. It is wrong. Go through the legal system if you must, but do NOT take it upon yourself to decide that your child should not have contact with her father UNLESS he has been abusive towards HER (as opposed to you).

Shannon - posted on 04/18/2011

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@ jodi...what right do you think yhou have to judge me or what has happened when you dont know the full story? my ex was very abusive and i have struggled with EVERYTHING in life since being with him..should i lewt my 2 yr old experience the same crap um no. so if you dont have anything helpful or encouraging to say then dont bother.

Shannon - posted on 04/18/2011

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@ shannon; thank you. yes my husband has been in her life mor. my ex he was flakey thru my entire pregnancy and everything, granted my daughter is only 2 and she does not remember it at all he did come visit her before then moved out of state and has not contacted me since til recently. my husband and i gave him a chance before to see her and he did then we didnt hear from him for months. although i feel partially responsible for that because i did not let him have a contact number and he has no way of seeing facebook nor my email..so i feel like im to blame for his lack of contact. my husband has been there since she was only 15mos and has bent over backwards with this trying economy to not only make sure she has everything she needs and most of what she wants but for me also. he wants so badly to adopt her, as he feels and tells everyone that she is his daughter

Jenni - posted on 04/18/2011

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It is between you, and your daughter's father. Foremost, her best interest. Which is to know her biological father. What are you going to tell her when she's older and asks you why her father wasn't in her life? Because your SD wouldn't allow him to be. That's a sad excuse. Your husband has no right to dictate their relationship. Even if he has played the father figure in her life. It is your decision. Your child. You need to do what you feel is best for her, how he feels should be inconsequencial. He is allowed to have those feelings. He can voice his concerns to you. But at the end of the day he can/should not dictate how it's going to be.



Besides as Kate pointed out... he has no rights legally to interfere. Not to mention if he isn't allowed to pay support and one day you decide he owes you the money. He will have to pay all the back support even though he was willing to pay it. That is completely unfair imo.

Louise - posted on 04/18/2011

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Your husband has no right to stop the father see his daughter, this must be really painful for your daughter. Is he jealous of the relationship between his step daughter and her dad? Either way this is not for him to decide. Sit down and talk to him, you understand that he does not want this man around the house and that he can provide for the girl, but at the end of the day he is her father and he should pay to maintain his child. Tell your ex that you could use the money to better everybodies life. He is a fool if he continues this because your daughter will resent him in the end. Put your foot down today this is not right and your husband needs to get over his pride and accept that you have a passed.

JuLeah - posted on 04/17/2011

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Why does your husband have the final say? Nice of you to let him have a voice, but you don't even have to do that.

Jodi - posted on 04/17/2011

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Yep, I agree too. Your husband should stay out of it, it is none of his business. Firstly, this is between you and your ex. And secondly, your daughter has a right to be involved with her father, or at the very least, given a chance to get to know him, especially as it seems he wants to be involved to some degree. Tell hubby to butt out.

Shannon - posted on 04/17/2011

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This is a ticking time bomb, sweetie. How long has the ex been "flaky" Has your husband been a part of your daughters life and helped support her, provided for her, etc? My husband is NOT the biological father of my oldest 2 children, he adoped them in 2006, their "sperm-donor" (as we not so lovingly called him privately) decided to show up on the day of adoption to argue for his rights, he had not seen my second child ,who was 7 at the time, in her ENTIRE life. No support, no visits, nothing. A few years after the adoption we started getting letters from him wanting to see the girls and get to know them... now this is after mu husband has assumed full responsibilty for them, he wanted to get them gifts for christmas and birthdays. Ignorantly i allowed him to do so, allowed him to speak to the girls thru emails and it bit me in the behind. He had no responsibilities so he was able to lavishly send them expensive gifts and had them believing that life with him would be grand. It caused some major arguements in my home, I was kicking myself in the butt for thinking that this would all be ok because my girls DESERVED to know their father. Shortly after talking to my girls, they began to see some holes in his fabrications and then when he had another baby and stopped all contact with the girls because it was too upsetting for his GF. My children were left wondering once again Why they weren't good enough for him. It was completely heartbreaking all the way around, my husband was hurt, my girls were hurt and i felt like a heel. Things are much better today and our lives are very good, my husband loves my older two as his own and would give his life for them and they feel extra special because he chose to be their dad and take care of them.... as for their biological dad.... he just doesn't know what he's missing. i wish you all the luck in the world with this...

Amber - posted on 04/17/2011

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I agree with Teresa. It's not his place. That man has a right to his daughter. Refusing to let him see his child could put you in a bad situation should he choose to take you to court and fight for it.

[deleted account]

Stay out of it. HE should, I mean. I can understand how he may not want another man in what he feels is HIS position now, but visitation w/ your child is her father's right (unless his rights were taken away) and child support from her father is your right.

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