What should I do?

Jessica - posted on 09/26/2011 ( 22 moms have responded )

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So I left my ex husband 3 years ago almost and he had full custody of our kids. I moved out of state and have not had anything to do with my kids for almost 3 year. Both my fault and the fathers fault because he would not let me. But my son died last year due to a fetynal overdose and his dad was taken to court because of it. Well I got a lawyer to keep up on the case so if my daughter got taken out of home I could try and get custody of her. Well my lawyer told me it would be a huge battle to try and get custody of her because I have not had anything to do with her in almost 3 years. The Law Guardian who is representing my daughter say's she is happy and doesn't not want to move and so he would not be in my favor for custody. So is it selfish of me to want something to do with her now? I don't plan at this moment to go after custody I plan to possible just do phone conferences, webcam sessions, and visitations. I am trying to keep what is best for her and what she would want in the picture instead of what I want. Any ideas or help?

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/26/2011

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Good luck Jessica, I also grew up without a father.....I went searching for him when I was about 15, and I was 16 (I think ) when we got the phone called that he was dead. I have never gotten over that completely. He was a real bastard, but something in me still made me want to meet him.

Keep up the contact. Increase it little by little, maybe even make a plan for a visit before the end of the year.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/26/2011

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If she has ill feelings towards you, you will be proving those ill feelings right by not staying in contact with her. Really, keep trying.....but only if this is want you want...to rebuild your relationship with your daughter. If you DON"T want to, then yes she may be better off. But in reality, she still wants her mom.....even if she doesn't know it.

Keri - posted on 09/29/2011

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I say good for you to try to get back in your child's life. Take is slow and don't be surprised if she doesn't warm up to you right away. Go slow. Once you have reestablished a relationship with your daughter then you can work on getting shared custody.

I do understand that sometimes the father makes it so impossible and/or painful to stay in touch with your children. I am sorry you felt you had to stay out of your kids lives for so long. It is great that you are trying to rebuild the relationship. Good for you.

Kim - posted on 09/28/2011

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Jessica, I have raised my 2 daughters with a very loving father. You will need to have alot of patience with your daughter she will be angry even at this young of an age and you better be ready for some questions. Continuing to not make any attempts to see her will only create additional angry . I would hire an aty that would make an attempt to at least get you visitation rights supervised or unsupervised. Simply doing nothing is not good. She needs to be able to physically see you and start building a trust with you.
My oldest daughter(28) has assisted a friend of raising her son when she was in Iraq. Since he was 9 months she probally has not spent over 6 months with him. He has a father who has learned to be a father over time and has turned out to be a great father. The mother married and had a new baby(boy) and has basically abandoned her first son. He is 6 years old and wants nothing to do with her. The father has remarried and the wife is a very loving mother . He calls her mom and the birth mother by her first name. The reason for the long senerio is you need the contact to start rebuilding. You have a very good chance to mend fences since your child is young.

Eva-Lotta - posted on 09/27/2011

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I am really sorry for the loss of your son! Very sad.
I would absolutely say, stay in touch with your daughter. You are after all the mother that gave birth to her and nursed her as a baby. No one can ever take that away from both of you. She might find it hard to understand initially but I think there is some good advice her like talking to a therapist etc. Take it slow, keeo telling her how much you love her and how much you have missed her to reassure her that you will always be there for her if she ever needs / wants you. Maybe write everything down in a letter (write everything that happened, why you left, why you chose not to be in contact and why you have chosen to be in contact again etc) so that one day she can read it and fully understand your side of the story.
Good luck and all the best! I hope it really works out! :)

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Jessica - posted on 10/28/2011

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Ok so I had my daughter's Child Advocate talk with my daughter and supposedly the only memory she has of me is me slapping her...which if that would have been the case it would have been a spanking but nothing more...She also say's that she hasn't seen me in 2-3 years and does not what to see or talk to me. I fear that her father may be influencing her but don't know for sure. I also don't know since I want what is her best interests if I should continue to try and have contact with her or since she wants me supposedly to stay out of her life if I should just leave her be...She's only 5 so I'm not sure what is best.

Jessica - posted on 09/28/2011

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Kim- thank you for the advice. I was thinking along those same lines of it's better to go ahead and try and get in touch with her again now rather then waiting until she is older. I left her dad because of the fact that he was mentally abusive to me and we always fought around the kids and I didn't want them to see that. Now though I think its best to talk to her.

Tina - posted on 09/27/2011

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Goodluck I think you should keep trying to get contact with your daughter it's sad that you have lost one child but atleast you can still try to have a relationship with your daughter even if she does have some anger towards you atleast you're trying it's better late than never to have a relationship with her.

Ronda - posted on 09/27/2011

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Dear Jessica. It broke my heart to read your letter. I am sorry for your loss of your son. I do think you should take things slow and give her space. BUT SHE NEEDS TO KNOW YOU LOVE HER. There is nothing I would love more than to see my Mom. She died when I was one. I even use to think what if. If she is almost 6 now is a great time. But go to the therapist and follow the rules. My sister lost her two kids and now they are 16 and 18. I know they still want her. There is something in your heart that makes you love and long for your parents no matter what. May God bless you with a reunion with your daughter

Katherine - posted on 09/26/2011

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It's not selfish at all. But she probably has abandonment issues and would need to take the relationship slowly. How old is she? Maybe you can start writing letters?
Doing what's best for her is a good thing.

So sorry to hear about your son though. How tragic.

So you have had NO contact in 3 years? I think it depends on how old she is IMO.

Jasmine - posted on 09/26/2011

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How old are your kids? IF she is a teen you better expect alot of anger coming your way and rightfully so. From her perspective you abandoned her. It does not matter the excuses. That had to seriously effected her self esteem and how she sees herself. The question is weather you are willing to put in the emotional energy, time and commitment into trying to be her mom. If you are COMMITTED to be in her life, support her and try to heal some of the wound your absence has created, yes call her and meet with her. Are you able to move to her area, if she is a few hours drive away, I would committ to dinner every week, if you are so far you need to get on a plane, then at least every 6 months. And you might drive 5 hours to have her stand you up or get in a fight with her, but if you keep coming back she will start to trust you again. If you are going to re enter her life she needs a mom she can count on to be there. If there is any chance you are going to disappear when thing get tough, re think getting involved. To have you abandon her again would create more damage, like reopening an old wound. But if you can have a relationship with her and be her mom, she will be so much better for it.

Karen - posted on 09/26/2011

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Definitely fix your relationship with your daughter. My parents divorced when I was 2 (I am now 43). My mother walked away and never looked back. Although I have a wonderful stepmother that I call "mom", the pain of having a bio mother that just walked out of my life has never gone away.

Shanna - posted on 09/26/2011

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I think it is not only your right, but your duty as a mother to try and make things right with your daughter. Having a mother in her life is super important!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/26/2011

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Truly, good luck with it all! Keep us posted. I am sure you are gonna get a lot of advice. Just keep your head on and your heart in it. Follow your heart with this one.

Jessica - posted on 09/26/2011

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Defiantly...I only wish She lived closer to me because she lives in NY and I live CO so kinda far away. But I am determined to figure it out so that it does not cause more problems in the end.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/26/2011

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Therapy could really help the both of you. It may really help you both work through the concerns.

Jessica - posted on 09/26/2011

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I defiantly plan on it. I thank you so much for the advice I have some people that have told me to just leave it and people that tell me I should go for straight out custody and people that tell me to talk to a child therapist which I plan to do anyway but this helps me figure it out a bit more instead of being confused and worried about it so much. I figured I could use more help.

Jessica - posted on 09/26/2011

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Yes I do want to fix the relationship and let her know me...It just about killed me when I did what I did 3 years ago and I think about her all the time. I just wanted to make sure it was the right thing to do. I was raised without my dad and met him when I was 17 and it wasn't what I was hoping, and I don't want to be like in my case...Although she is younger so I agree 100% with both of you.

Krista - posted on 09/26/2011

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I don't think it'd make things worse. The longer you go without any contact, the more she'll think you just don't care. And it's so important for kids to know that their parents love them, even if they're a bit bumbling about it.

So yes, I would say to keep trying, but go slow and be patient.

Jessica - posted on 09/26/2011

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I understand that I may have been selfish to not be in contact with her for so long...I had my reasons such as her father and I argued all the time and he was always bad mouthing me in front of the kids so I thought at the time that it might be best to not keep them in situations like that but yes it was selfish and I will admit it and I'm not proud of it either.

Only other problem is what if she hates me for all of it...and I make things worse...Would I just be better since she is happy not doing anything? Thanks for the info Marina :)

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/26/2011

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This is a very touchy subject. I think it was selfish of you NOT to be in contact with her for so many years, here is your chance to rectify it. She may very want to be with her mother, but could be struggling with feelings of abandonment. My suggestion is to keep building your relationship with her, and gain her trust and respect back. I really wish you the best of luck, this must be very difficult. I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

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