What should I do?

S - posted on 04/27/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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2nd marriage for us both; together 6 yrs, married 4yrs. We are interracial & blended...4 boys & 2 girls, ages: 19b, 19g, 17b, 15b-autistic, 13b-learning dis, & 13g. He brought the boys, I, the girls. Our oldests absolutely hate each other, as does the oldest b hate the youngest g. (wasn't always that way between the oldests though) Our children were raised MUCH differently...mine were disciplined (& still are), while his were, well, think "lord of the flies" (seriously.) They are the youngest 4b (& my husbands) of ALL 9b, that their mother has had. So, they came from major dysfunction...they had beds & bedrooms, but were locked out most of the time (to keep the rms clean), but allowed to play video games til they fell asleep-wherever-in their clothes, w/their shoes on, etc. I mean, when we were first married & started living together, they didn't even own a pair of pj's & still slept with their shoes ON...& tried sleeping on our couches, etc.- oh, I think not! It's not because their dad didn't work his butt off, because he did & made great $...it's that he was dingy to give her his whole ck...to care for his boys, which she did not--for herself, though, lots of hair extensions, tanning visits, nail salon visits, oh & to the grocery store to buy "them" top ramen for yet another week. (DH didn't know any of this because the boys were threatened by her not to tell...DH is scared of her too--I'm sorry, but there's NO WAY my children would be suffering like that & me NOT know!) Moving on...Many court visits & custody battles later, DH got the boys as full time parent...stipulation was that I COULD NEVER communicate with his ex for any reason, EVER. He signed those docs without my blessing, simply because I never wanted the kids to feel weird about her & I, plus, I'm doing ALL of the mothering, while she gets to be the 'disneyland mom' that spoils them every other weekend (32 hrs total--she won't even keep them for the whole weekend! WHO DOES THAT??) And, I know it's not fair to me, but all I can and have done is love & care for them. She makes the youngest b call me by my 1st name in her presence, which makes him so sad because he's CHOSEN to call me mom & loves me as such & knows I love him as such, as well. But, she'll throw the guilty tears on him & get whatever she wants...who wants to see their mom cry? In no way do I blame my baby for the actions & deceitful techniques of his mother...& sometimes, father. There has been nothing but chaos in our "home" & although I have tried to be the bigger/better person, I am only one person. And my girls have been neglected in all of this because my boys have required so much extra attention ...for their usually negative behavior (speaking of the older 2 b, primarily). I know it's wrong, because I 'feel' wrong/bad for even thinking it, but last year, when they could just no longer follow the rules of our home, the 2 oldest b moved out AND I WAS SOOO FREAKIN HAPPY!!! (moreso bc the oldest one was gone)...the then 18 yo went to bunk with friends & the then 16 yo decided to live with his mother & her 5th husband, even though his father had the final say on that, but my DH didn't fight for him at all. She even un-enrolled him from school w/specific instructions in court pprs that it is DH decision on such matters. Anyway, he also had the 'Marcia, Marcia, Marcia' "Jan Syndrome" & wanted to be an only child & have all the freedom he wanted, because his mother is still very self absorbed. Less than 6 months w/her, & he was all over fb crying about how he has to eat top ramen again (of course, at 1st it was COOL), no one is hm to take him to his ortho appt., etc. We did everything for them & they just could not get past "themselves". Now, they don't talk to their dad, or me, & we have not seen them since 12/31/11. My DH is very quiet, but very stressed about ALL of it.

The biggest issues I'm having now, and again, are that the youngest g has been a target for my DH for a long time. I defend her every single time, because he totally over-reacts & blows up, once resorting to "fighting" her bc he pushed her off of her scooter & she had the nerve to get mad; so she lashed out & they kinda wrestled, then he hit her in the arm! Needless to say, that was the last time he put his hands on her, in that fashion. I have defended ALL of the kids, when warranted; I don't discriminate, but it's very obivious that he does & I'm SICK OF IT! He ALWAYS has a nasty look on his face & tone in his voice when he speaks about or even to her. I confronted him about it yesterday, as a matter of fact, & he said she's always sticking her nose in other ppls biz! Yet, doesn't see that very same characteristic in his own son of the same age. I don't know "why" he truly has ill feelings towards my daughter, & only he can tell me. Any ideas on how to get him to discuss this and keep it civil? HELP!

*Take notice that I have & always will refer to the children as either: the kids, the girls, the boys, my girls, or my boys. He is the one who separates them into: my boys, her daughters. And there is SO MUCH MORE to our story, but I really need advice/suggestions for the one at hand. Thank You!

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S - posted on 04/28/2012

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Thank you, Kelina. Unfortunately, it would only be the girls & I...possibly one of the boys, but husband has turned down that suggestion numerous times. But, if he sees that we are taking the initiative to do something that will hopefully make things better, maybe he will at least try.

Kelina - posted on 04/27/2012

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counselling. Even with that much of the story, there could be a whole lot going on from jealousy for a variety of reasons to something really stupid to the fact that she's a girl. How does your daughter feel about him? I'd really recommend individual, couples and family counselling for all of you it'll give you some great tools for dealing with things and help teach you how mens minds are different from womens. And might help with the underlying situation. Good luck!

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