What should I do ?

Jazmine - posted on 11/16/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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So I've been knowing my kids father since about 7th or 8th grade and we had been dating for almost 6 years. We have two little boys together and just recently we broke up in October. I was highly depressed for about two months. We argued about every little thing(if i coughed it was an argument). Now I've came to the conclusion that if I just does what he says that everything will be okay. I still have feelings for him like we were engaged for most of this year. Sometimes I get confused about us cause just recently we got extremely intimate for my birthday. This was pretty odd to me because he's said that we will never be intimate again. Ladies what should I do? I love him too much to just let go.

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Jodi - posted on 11/17/2015

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Are you in any kind of counselling? Other people can't make you happy - or at least, that isn't their responsibility. If you are only happy when he comes and visits you, then you need to work on you. You should be able to be happy in yourself. Relying on others to do this for us is unhealthy. Sarah is right - if he won't participate in couple's counselling, go yourself. This is an unhealthy relationship and you have an unrealistic expectation on him to "make" you happy.

With regard to your son acting out because dad isn't spending time with him, this is NOT a reason to stay with a person. You cannot own his father's choices. You can make sure his father is aware of this, and encourage his dad to spend some time with him, but you can't feel responsible for it, because you aren't. Again, counselling will help you here.

With regard to only letting the kids see the good times.....I think you underestimate how perceptive children are. If they see that dad gets cranky every time you don't do what he says....they will see that message and think that's how it should be - you are role modelling your role in the relationship to them. Not a great one to teach.

Sarah - posted on 11/16/2015

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Go to couple counseling, and if he won't go, you go by yourself.
Reread your post:
"Now I've came to the conclusion that if I just does what he says that everything will be okay."
Is this how you want to live? Like you can't do anything for fear of upsetting him? You can't even cough? That is no way to live. Is that how you want your sons' to treat their future partners?
If he told you he will never be Intimate with you again (I presume you mean having sex?) Do you want to be celibate? I hope you were using BC during this last event. I think you have love mixed up with fear of being alone. What does he bring to the relationship? How does he challenge you to be a better person? How does he support you when you need help?

Jodi - posted on 11/16/2015

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Seriously? If you just do as he says it will all be okay? You are kidding yourself. It will NOT all be okay - that is emotional abuse. You are your own person and have a right to have a say. Right now, you are a door mat for him. That is not a way to have a relationship. Is that how you want to raise your children? That women should shut up and just do as they are told? Is that how you want them thinking a relationship should be?

And more to the point....are you happy? Like, REALLY happy? Or just tolerating it?

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Jazmine - posted on 11/17/2015

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@Jodie I'm kinda happy but only when he comes over to visit me and the kids. As far as the kids we only let them see the good times. But the whole thing(the break up) is putting a toll on our oldest son he's acting out for his dad not being here with him and he feels as if his dad doesn't love him. Because his father only took the baby with him instead of both of them for this weeks visit .

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