What Should I Do About My Children Wanting to Contact Their Father?

Jacqueline - posted on 07/21/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My 11 year daughter came to me yesterday and told me her and her brother tried looking up their Father on the internet. I ask her why and she said she wants to know her Father. The Father that has not be in her life for 10 and half years. The one who does not support them finanially, physically, and emotionally. I have been real good about not saying anything bad about him, but now I just want to scream why. Why do you want to know someone who has no problem with not knowing you? Then sanity overcomes me. So I let them search for him and his facebook page come up. Now I am pissed. He is posing with a beautiful woman in evening wear, exspensive evening wear, with a big smile on his face. He doesn't look at all upset or hurt he has not been in his children's life, and from the look of the picture, he is happy and doing well with his fancy suit on. But again I can't show that I am pissed off and hurting inside. They were excited to see him. He looked good unlike me. So now they want to send him messages. What should I do. Should I let them send him messages? I don't want them to get hurt, but my heart goes out to them. What if they contact him without me because they don't want to hurt me? What if they message him and he doesn't respond back? Please let me know your thoughts on the matter. I love my children and at times I wish they had their Father in their lives. Then I remember how abusive and hateful he was towards me and them. It this a smart idea? Was I wrong to let them search for him? I just wanted them to do it in front of me and not behind my back- but now I am regretting that decision. Please help?

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Marie - posted on 07/21/2012

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My ex is a drug addict and alcoholic who used to hit me on a regular basis and who has basically been an absent father as well so I know how you feel, but you have to remember one thing, he is the father or your children and at that age they need to know and understand where they come from, they are also old enough to understand and see him for what he is. If they message him and he doesn't respond then all you can do is what you've always done and be there for them and to help them understand that there is nothing wrong with them, that the problem lays with him. If he does respond and he turns out to be the same as when your children were born, then their curiosity will be dealt with. If he has changed then you can't ( as much as you would like to ) stop them from getting to know their father. All you can do is be there for them and help them through this because it won't matter how hard you try to keep them from contacting him, this is something they need to do and if you succeed at convincing them not to contact him they might hold it against you, or simply go behind your back and do it anyways, which might end up with them having issues that they'll end up hiding from you.
Both my kids have eventually spent time with their dad and even though I didn't like it and it was hard, today neither one of them want to have anything to do with him because he's the same moron he was when they were young.
As for the picture of him with his lady friend, remember that just because somebody looks happy doesn't mean that they are, and yes karma is a bitch,

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Dove - posted on 07/21/2012

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If you try to keep them from contacting him they may see you as the reason they don't know their father. Yes, they will probably end up being hurt by him, but... they're already being hurt by him. I think it's better for them to find out for themselves exactly what kind of a man he is (or in this case, the man he ISN'T) while you are right there to help them pick up the pieces and reinforce the positive male role models they DO have in their lives.

I'm sorry you guys are going through this. Some men just suck!

Taylor - posted on 07/21/2012

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Amy has a point but usually kids end up more damaged by contacted long lost parents then fulfilled. The issue is HE has made no effort and you will have to clean up the mess. When he breaks dates, he forgets birthdays, he puts his new kids before them. Simply put your foot down and let them know when they are 18 they can do it but not now. They might get pissy but they will also get over it. But if you do let him in their lives and start a relationship they will have a harder time getting over the fact their father doesn't want anything to do with them.

Amy - posted on 07/21/2012

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Honestly I think you need to let them contact him. If you forbid then then yes they'll probably do it behind your back and two they will resent you for not letting you know their father. You should fully inform them that he may not respond, or he may tell them to buzz off. Yes it will hurt them but it will be him causing them pain not you. He may want to be part of their lives and yes that will hurt but again your kids will appreciate that you didn't stop it from happening.

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