What should I do about my marriage situation?

Betty - posted on 03/21/2014 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I have been with my husband for around 22 years, only been married 12 of the 22 years. My husband has a job where he works out of town a lot..I have stayed at home and not worked cause that's where he has wanted me to be said he can work better to take care of us knowing im home taking care of kids and house. He recently told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. that he was bored in our marriage and felt I didn't care cause I always stay home and don't travel with him. That our sex life is boring and our life is boring. He was ready to end it all and just move on. We talked I started going out of town with him, spiced up our sex life, tried everything to make him feel important and that I do love him. On way back from one of trips he broke down and told me he was talking to someone else said he felt he couldn't talk to me and I wasn't there for him. This broke my heart we talked so I thought we got it straight. Traveled some more with him, he said he was happier he got the old me back said he promised to give us 100% and wouldn't bother with other woman again. I honestly don't know if he did stop talking to other woman cause he has a work phone through his company I have no way to check who he talk or texts. I decided to take this trip off with him to spend a lil time with my kids, they are older 16 , 19, and 23. And cause I had an old friend coming in to see me that I haven't seen in years. He made comments about me not going like oh u care more about her then me, or I cant believe your gonna make me travel alone. I talked to him about it and he said he was just picking with me. That he understands I cant go every trip, and it was fine. So I thought we were fine then he waits till hes out of town to post on facebook how being on road gives you a lot of time to think, that hes stuck by his kids and his wife and so on and so on but now its time for him to just worry about him. Im like are you serious? Never said anything to me like something was wrong again had a good time when he was here and then leaves and says that and of all places facebook. I don't know what to do I love him and have tried to do what I can to prove my love to him but feel its never good enough. I don't understand whats going on with him, cant fix what I don't know. Am I wasting my time? What do you think is going on? Should I talk to him and tell him how I feel or should I just let him go?

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Betty - posted on 03/23/2014

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Yes he is making me do all the work . Telling me one thing when hes home and I travel with him and something different when were apart. Tells me he loves me when im with him and hes giving it 100% and will work it out. Then gets out of town and says different. Hes still out of town and I have been trying to talk to him which is hard when were not face to face. He keeps going back and forth he said he was trying but hes not happy that he feels everytime he thinks things will be ok they aren't. I tried telling him how can we fix things if were never together, that hes gone too much cant fix it in a weekend when hes in. Tried talking about traveling with him more and he was fine with it one minute then next minute hes like u cant got responsibilities at home cant be gone for 3 weeks at a time with me. His job keeps him gone so much hes gones for weeks at a time and home only a few days here and there. Its like im being punished because I cant travel with him all the time but yet he told me before he understands I cant travel all the time. I think the lonliness is getting to him but he wont give up this job I asked him to he likes it too much and makes good money only way he can afford to pay for everything. Im to the point I don't care about money I want him home with me and helping me here cant do this all alone. Also these meds the dr put him on I think are making him crazy and making his mind play with him and also his sex drive go through the roof. Dr put him on testosterone shots awhile back cause his was low and he was tired all the time, then put him on Cialis cause he was having problems keeping it up. Since hes been on them I have noticed a big change in him as far as being mean and hateful and how his sex drive has went through roof it can never get enough. Hes miserable cause of these meds they give him 24/7 hard on and hes not being able to get relief cause he travels so much so he thinks its me hes unhappy with and now is saying he wants to see other people. So my family is being ripped apart because of this job and these meds, hes blinded and I cant make him see its not us with the problem its these meds and traveling so much causing the problem.

Dee - posted on 03/21/2014

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He is making you do all the work in this relationship. If you do talk to him, ask him what you BOTH can do together to make this work. I have a hunch he is using whatever he can as an excuse to talk to other women....you not going on one trip with him would not cause this much of a reaction. He needs more affirmation than you can give him and even more than any other woman can give him. He will find out quickly that if he fills his life up with others it will just leave him feeling empty and needing more.
Since you are very invested in this relationship and you love him, you are not at the point to "let him go". While you can not fix him, you can let him know your needs (be specific, men work better with specifics- i.e. I want to go out on a date once a week, I love getting flowers from you or little notes, etc.). When you are unable to go away with him, let him know you still care by writing him notes in his suitcase, calling and texting him sweet, short things to let him know you are thinking about him. Tell him that you love the same type of thing too.
I would encourage you too to see if he'll go to marriage counseling with you. He is obviously either depressed, unhappy, stressed and disconnected..or all of them.

Sharon - posted on 03/21/2014

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I am so sorry for the turmoil you are going through. I have been married 45 years and have not had to face your situation. However, I would talk to him again and ask him what his true feelings are, - Because of the culture we live in, men are enticed by the grass that is greener on the other side of the fence in a way that is possible more than ever before, due to television and the Internet. (women, too, I might add) Ask him to be honest and go from there.

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