What should I tell my son

Anel Van - posted on 11/27/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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i recently got a divores my son keeps asking for his dad , and i don't know what to say,
his dad never phones never comes to see him, it's only his new girlfriend and her kids that matters?

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Chazda - posted on 11/28/2013

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Hi Anel,

I'm really sorry. It sounds to me that your ex is not quite mature enough to realize the long-term consequences of what he is doing - alienating his own son. It's possible that in the future, he will realize that he was wrong, but by then it may be too late and his son might be old enough to not care about what his father thinks or wants.

Unfortunately, this happens quite often - that a man will father a child perhaps too soon, and then want to build a relationship with his child later in life, when he's more mature.

As soon as you can, try to talk with your ex again about this. Tell him that he should not let his anger towards you affect his relationship with his son. Alienating his own son doesn't punish YOU, it punishes your little boy... and ultimately, the father is punishing himself. He's missing so much wonder and sweetness. This time in your son's life will never come back. It will all too soon become the past, and if your ex misses this, he will reach a point in his life when he really regrets the decision to stop spending time with his child.

Whether your ex spends time with the boy or not, whoever the child grows up to be will absolutely be his responsibility. The lack of a father is just as big an influence on who we become as the support and love of a father who cares. Ask your ex what kind of man he wants his son to become, and what kind of man he imagines he'll become if he grows up believing that his father doesn't love him.

Again, try to talk about all this without anger, without screaming. Just be matter-of-fact, and show that you are genuinely concerned about the father-son relationship that ought to be happening right now.

Anel Van - posted on 11/27/2013

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Hi Chazda,

My son is now 4.
i try and tell him that daddy has to work far away thats why we don't get to see him although daddy stays in the same town us, i have tried to include him with important events such as school concerts and graduation ect but my ex just does not care, he simply does not pitch. for him my son is just another burden for him, we have been separated for almost a year now and he has gone to his dad once for a weekend and ended up staying only one night because the new girlfriend doesn't like having him over there.

the last time i spoke to my ex i did ask him what should i tell our son why does he not want to see him and he simply answered " tell him you divorced me".

thank you for the advice .

Chazda - posted on 11/27/2013

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Hi Anel,

I too am divorced, a single mother. How old is your son?

When I realized that separating from my husband was a necessary thing to do, my daughter was four years old. I told her that her daddy was moving out so that she and I could live in our own apartment, just the two of us.

One day, she asked me, "Mommy, do you not love Daddy anymore?"

This was a difficult moment. I told her, "I will always love your Daddy, Sweetie, but... just not the same way as a Prince and a Princess."

She looked very seriously for a moment, and nodded. Then she took my face in her hands and gave me a kiss and said, "I know, Mommy. But do not it worry, you will find a Prince."

I will never forget this moment. I was dumbstruck at how perceptive she was, still only in Kindergarten. I know that things are different with boys, but if he's little, that kind of symbolic, simple understanding of love might help him to better understand the situation.

If your ex-husband is uninterested in being part of his son's life, then you will need to be there for your son even more. If you can, talk to your ex about it and let him know straight-up that when your son asks about his father, you don't know what to say.

Ask your ex what it is you should explain to your son about his father. I would think that most any father would take a vested interest in knowing what his son will hear about him, how he will be raised to think about him as he himself becomes a man.

This is not an easy problem. But it is important that you try to communicate with your ex about this as openly as possible.

Good luck!

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