What to do

Heidi - posted on 05/12/2015 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I sent my kids to bed at 9 pm i went in at 10 to check on them and i found my 13 year old asleep with her phone in her hand on and sleeping, I go to take her phone out of her hand and see that it is a boy that she is talking to on kik. As a concerned parent i read the messages. what i read was real disturbing. I woke her up and asked her who was he. She went into panic mode and couldn't breath. She knew she was caught. I took her phone and laptop away. Changed her password on her phone and gave it back to her. Now I want to know who he is and i want him arrested. What can I do?

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Jodi - posted on 05/14/2015

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Victoria, I teach teenagers too, and no way my kids are having a smart phone at all at this age.....

Jodi - posted on 05/13/2015

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Oh for goodness sake, Tiffany, it wasn't judgement. She has received sound advice on how to handle the situation FROM parents of teens or have already raised their teens. Maybe just not in the words you would use.

Tiffany - posted on 05/13/2015

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You came to this post asking for help, and from the replies, I think all you've gotten is judgement. I can't tell you what to do, because Ive never been in your situation. However, if you believe that this man is over 18, and he is soliciting her in anyway, then that is a crime and you need to file a police report. There may be nothing the police can do, but it is still important to report it. There is no telling how many others he is doing this to as well.

You can try talking to her, but chances are, she is still angry and will only retreat more from you. I would put my daughter on lock down and make her earn my trust again. It has got to be hard dealing with what you are dealing with. Hang in there and follow your heart. As a mom, its never lead me astray....

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Dove - posted on 05/14/2015

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Exactly Jodi. You know how awesome and trustworthy my teens are... and they still only get a flip phone w/ talk and text... no web. ;)

Victoria - posted on 05/14/2015

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I'm really hoping that this creep can be found. As horrible as it sounds, classmates often target others through social media with fake accounts and identities, and convince them to send nude pictures of themselves. Then, once the classmate receives these pictures, they forward them on to friends, who forward them to other friends, and in a matter of minutes, hundreds of kids have seen the pictures.
After thoroughly explaining the dangers (fake accounts, stalkers, etc.) to your daughter, I'd make sure that each night when she goes to bed, her phone is charged in a central location, such as the kitchen, that you have passwords to all of her e-mail and social media accounts (and if you find out that she has one on the side, the phone is automatically gone), and that she knows that you'll be monitoring her texts and accounts. I'd also make her earn her phone back by earning your trust back.
I'm a teacher and I've heard of too many terrors regarding kids and phones! Let's make sure that this gets nipped in the bud!

Michelle - posted on 05/13/2015

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No judgement, helpful advice from a Mother of a teen.
We gave the OP some other options for having the electronics in the bedroom to help prevent further problems. Sometimes when people are in the middle of the problem they can't see other options, that's why it helps to get other opinions.

Dove - posted on 05/12/2015

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Alarm clocks are cheap and easy to purchase... my kids have one. At 13 they WANT a life outside of home, absolutely... friends and socializing are extremely important, but keeping them safe is MORE important. Your daughter is dabbling in extremely dangerous behavior that could potentially have a wide range of consequences... and actually getting pregnant is probably the LEAST of those consequences. If this guy isn't who he says he is she could get raped, kidnapped, and even murdered. Does she understand that gravity of the situation? She NEEDS to understand how important it is to only do phone/internet socialization w/ people she has actually met in person and knows very well... and how discussions like she was participating in last night have a lot of serious and negative consequences.

I'm sure you could find a movie or two that you could watch together that could help drive home the points. Cyberbully is a good one, but doesn't quite deal w/ this exact topic.

Jodi - posted on 05/12/2015

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Buy her an alarm clock. Simple. Both my children survive without phones at bedtime perfectly fine - they know how to use an alarm clock. I never have to wake them in the morning. Suggesting they need their phones in bed is just an excuse.

"she needs a life outside of home"

No, she doesn't. If she can't be responsible, the only life she should have outside of home should be supervised by an adult. And as long as she is supervised by a trusted adult, she doesn't need a phone. However, I'd be very much limiting her life outside of home until she really understood the implications of what she has done.

With regard to this man (you called him a boy in the first post, so I don't know how you know whether he is a boy or a man - boys ask for naked photos too), by all means, take the info to the police and have them check it out. But you need to also face the fact your daughter has acted irresponsibly. Sorry, but young teens do NOT know how to use social media appropriately, and in my opinion, should not have unsupervised access.

Michelle - posted on 05/12/2015

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You can easily buy alarm clocks for the kids rooms, they don't their phone for alarms.
Have you ever Googled your name or someone else's? If it's a common name there are usually plenty of people that show up in the search. You also think that he has given her his real name? You are naive.
There are still a lot of people without Facebook so I don't see how that's strange.

I agree with Jodi, have you actually talked with your daughter? I'm not asking about yelling at her or telling her off, I'm meaning actually talking with her calmly. You need to discuss internet security with her and ban all technology until she can prove she's responsible enough to have it.

ETA: Your daughter is also to blame here, don't just blame him.

Heidi - posted on 05/12/2015

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He 9wasn't a boy for sure. she told me his name and where he lived when i put it on Google i got a long list of attorneys with the same name, I also think it's odd that he has kik and not a facebook page. I would like to have him arrested for trying to get my daughter to submit nude and sexual photo's. I think that there is something that can be done. They were also talking about if they were close to each other they would right now make babies,

and yes i gave her phone back to her. but not before i changed the password and put it in emergency mode before locking it. There is nothing she can do with it but call 911. my daughter is 13 years old she needs a life outside of home and with everything crazy going on i rather have my child with easy access of calling 911 then to have something going wrong and not being able to call anyone.

the phone at bed time their phones are their alarm clocks. if they want to get up 3 h ours before they need to leave the house then that is on them. I am not gettin upi 3 hours before we need to get out of the house.

Jodi - posted on 05/12/2015

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LOL, You can't have a boy arrested for talking to her online unless it is an adult who is grooming her or unless he was distributing or sending nude pics or nude selfies. Why were you allowing your daughter to go to bed with her phone anyway? So many kids sit on their phones in the middle of the night if their parents don't set boundaries around when they are permitted to have their phones. Set up some rules....like bedtime is bedtime and phone stays in your control at bedtime.

Secondly, why did you give the phone back? You need to wait until she can EARN your trust and EARN the phone back. She has demonstrated she is not responsible enough to have one.

If you want to know who he is, you could have a conversation with your daughter. Yes, you've taken the phone (and given it back) and taken the laptop, but have you actually talked to her? About who the boy was, what you saw, the dangers of these social media apps like kik, about the things the boy was saying? Like really TALKED (not yelled and grounded). If you had an actual conversation, then you might learn something.

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