What to do about people that are constantly harrassing me about being an unwed mother in a conservative town?

Jessica - posted on 08/30/2012 ( 19 moms have responded )

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I am 26, with an 11 month old and I live with the babydad. We own a house together and have been together 5 years, we are just not married and it doesnt look like it will ever happen anyways. I give up on it. I have suffered a nervous break down because of this and I am considering all my options from an ultimatum to leaving with the child in march.

The people that harass me are supposed to be friends of my bf's or they work with me but say offhanded things. His gma introduces me as married and then says "arent you lucky i gave you a one up?"

I wear a fake ring at all outing with my child because when i see someone who knows me i am afraid of what they are going to think. anytime someone mentions how i should be married i ended up extremely depressed.

I am in therapy but it is not helping me much anymore. because even when my therapist helps me find ways to cope i get worn down. i suffered ppd and my therapist helped a great deal with that.

the day o learned to be happy that i was a mother and had a child was the last day i was allowed to be happy. Because that is when this harrassment started about me not being married.



I am tired defending myself to everyone and i just want to be left along and not picked on anymore. what magic words can i say besides "f**ck off"?

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Dove - posted on 08/31/2012

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How exactly are you being harassed? I think based on this....we are just not married and it doesnt look like it will ever happen anyways. I give up on it. I have suffered a nervous break down because of this and I am considering all my options from an ultimatum to leaving with the child in march. ... it sounds as if your reaction is coming more from the fact that YOU want to be married than what people may actually be doing/saying about it...



If YOU are happy with your relationship the way it is... no one else's opinion should matter. If you aren't.... everyone else's input will seem like they are all against you when in reality it's your own feelings projected onto their words/actions.

Gale - posted on 08/30/2012

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Well you could say,

"Just because I choose to be happily unmarried doesn't give you a right to judge me, its my life not yours, and if your so unhappy about it then go to therapy!" Because really its their problem that they have a problem, they really should be putting it on you. You could also put in FYI have you checked in the era we live it? Common law is the "in" thing now!

Dianna - posted on 08/31/2012

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I think you are the one perceiving it as harrassment - why does it matter what everyone else thinks. Talk to your partner and explain why marriage is important to you. It sounds like you still need therapy but may be time to move onto someone/something new. Marriage won't make you feel better - it can be tough too. You need to make sure that you want to be married for the right reasons. There are some great pre-marital courses out there. But you can't be a good mum and wife until you are a good and happy "you" - so you need to work on yourself first!!

Tracy - posted on 08/31/2012

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I presume the ones giving you flack are usually the married ones? How about, "Misery loves company...are you so miserable that you need company?" or "I figure we can't contribute to the divorce rate if we never marry" or "If I have to choose stereotypes, I would rather be the never-married mother than the bitter wife/divorcee" or something as simple as "I just like this side of the fence better" or "married people have less active sex lives...I don't want that to happen to me!!"



But I did catch in your post that it sounds like you WANT to be married but he won't marry you. Whether marriage results or not, I would suggest, if this is the case, that you seek some counseling together to figure out what's going on and how to resolve it. Maybe even just a public ceremony for friends and family but without the paper? *shrug* just kind of guessing at the hints in your post...

19 Comments

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Paulina - posted on 09/03/2012

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The way I see it these so called friends and family wish they have what you got. Just hold your head up and be proud of what you have and who you are. There is no magic word. Beside they wouldn't understand any other words if they're like that. Be happy!!!

Tina - posted on 09/02/2012

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well then maybe when people ask why you're not married tell them to ask you partner. Put it on his shoulders. But if you're happy and in a committed relationship why should it matter what anyone think

Kandi - posted on 09/02/2012

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these days, having children and owning your own home IS the bigger commitment, rather than marriage, and Marriage isnt the fix all people seem to think it is, its work, and bloody hard work sometimes.....if you want to get married, do it, but do it for yourselves, not because of what other people think or say or because you will think it will solve all your problems. I would turn it back on the person when they asked why you aren't married, by asking them, "why are you so interested in my marital status? Is it cause you wish you weren't??.....buck up honey, just be happy with your lot, cause no one can live your life but you.

Roxanna - posted on 09/02/2012

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Dove brought up a very good point, it seems YOU are the one having issues with not being married. What makes you think marrying this man is going to make you happy? Only YOU can make yourself happy. My parents were married for 24 years and were miserable! I divorced my first husband and father of my first child after 4 years because he made me miserable. Don't put this on your child.

You were young when you both moved in and purchased a home togther. I would be more concerned about my assest being protected than a piece of paper!

West - posted on 09/01/2012

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It's God's wish for y'all to be married, but if you want to be married and it seems like its not going to happen with him. IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM! It's his. Most of the people who are putting you down probably used to be living immoral sexually and half of them probably still are. Marriage is way more than a peice of paper. It's a covenant between you and the person and God before society. Don't take it lightly and even though you have a kid you can go on with or without him. The sin of premarital sex has already been committed but you're not bound by that sin. Every second is a chance to change for the better. God will forgive anyone for anything. Stop stressing over these people and do what you know is right for you and your child. A change of pace would probably do some good. People will always have something to nitpick about that's human nature unfortunately.

La' Vette - posted on 09/01/2012

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You have to pray about it and trust that God will take care of it. He knows what is best for us. If they are harrassing you they aren't really friends. Pray over it. Trust in God and love your child and man. Marriage is a piece of paper just to make your friends n family happy with you spending all of your money on a wedding and reception. Tell them you are doing what God wants you to do. Thank God everyday for the life he has given you.

Keitha - posted on 09/01/2012

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Tell them that if they want to be part of your life to not mention things that are bringing you down because you want your child to grow up happy and not seeing a depressed mom! My brother waited 17 yrs before he desided to marry my sister in law because why ruin what is good!? They had a good thing going and they had a child together and he adopted her daughter even and they didn't give a rats ass what people thought because they were happy! You can only make yourself happy and your family so don't worry about any one else that has time to bitch because they are not happy with their lives! Remember people who are bored are the ones that cause drama for every one else around them! Marriage is just a piece of paper that ties to you and your partner leagaly but it has nothing to do on how you feel for each other! Yes marriage is more appropriate because of the bible but now days it cost more to divorce than to get married and to much time and money spent on a relationship you are questioning about! Just do what makes you and your partner happy and leave out the negative people in your life and you will find happiness! Family can be harsh but if you stick to what you want then they will come around eventually when they relize nothing is more important than having family around! It is time to cut the apron strings from family and to pick new friends who is going to be on both your sides and help you succeed in a relationship and want you to be happy above all else! I hope this helps and I wish you joy and happiness where ever you end up! Good luck!

Jennifer - posted on 09/01/2012

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Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs to have. Being a single parent...well, I'm about to hit that scene myself and I'm sure it is def no walk in the park. But the important point is that the baby needs a happy healthy mommy and daddy...end of story. So, if you're asked why you aren't married, smile, let them know you're happy with your relationship as it is. And if you're not, well, that's another question. Best wishes and good luck :)

Summer - posted on 09/01/2012

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Girl grow up and do you, fuck forget what pl say or think do what makes you happy

Karlene - posted on 08/31/2012

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We are living in a world where being married isn't the thing. I'm 39 with a 21 yr , I like u gave up with the whole marriage thing. When people question me I tell them I'm happy living with my baby's daddy and we don't need a paper to tell us we are politically correct. There are a whole lot more civial unions now adays than married family's. A family is two people who share the love of the child regardless if they are married.

Alexandra - posted on 08/31/2012

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it is really your choice, and i don't see why you should be depressed about this if it your and your partenrs' choice. Nobody has anything to do with yoru decisions. So, if you are getting depressed or don't know what to say, maybe you can say you are married. Then it is the end of the story right? Just say you guys got married at blah blah on the month blah blah. Then that's it. If somebody wants details, say you don't want to give any details because it was so magic you want it all to yourself. If they don't respect that, then there is nothing else you can do. Do not listen to them anymore.

Ashley - posted on 08/31/2012

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Im 27, two kids, been with their father for 8yrs and NOT married. People keep asking when we will and I say never. I dont want to get married. Just because you have kids with someone doesnt mean you HAVE to get married. But I think your problem is that you WANT to get married. If you feel it will never happen than leave and go find yourself someone that will marry you. Easy as that or tell him how you feel. As for those telling you or asking you why you arent, just tell them so. And if it doenst work tell them none of your f**in business and walk away. I have NEVER once been harrased because im not married. Its the norm nowadays to not be lol.

Tina - posted on 08/30/2012

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Got to agree with all opinions there. I'm not married. I have been married. It's overrated. I'm in a stable relationship with 2 beautiful children. People ask when are you gonna get married I just say don't know or one day. But I'm really in no hurry. I don't need a piece of paper to be committed to somebody. If having children with someone doesn't show that I'm committed and care nothing will. I'd just say why do I need a piece of paper. Isn't blood enough.

Ashley - posted on 08/30/2012

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Try to shrug it off. If people can be that horrible, remember that their opinion doesn't count. It would probably piss them off more to not give a reaction. Just love your baby, love yourself, and focus on that. I'm sorry you're going through that, I hope things get better for you. Do your best! That's all you can really do, because people will have their opinions...but if you know you're doing fine, then to heck with everyone else's opinion!

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