WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE DRAMA [HELP]

[deleted account] ( 22 moms have responded )

ok so I married a man that had two children already,well the mother cant stand the fact he is with me even though she is married. I guess you would call it a jealousy thing? she texts him everyday even when he is a work and its never regarding the children and when he does not text her back she tells him he is not allowed to see them anymore. which the only time he gets to anyways is when she has something she wants to go do. he signed the birth certificates and he pays his child support ,now here recently she tells him that one of the children does not even belong to him and laughs about it, now me and my husband has a baby together and she tells him not to worry about them anymore worry about his new baby, she tells the children not to call him daddy anymore to call him by his name I am so sick and tired of all this drama I don't know what to do anymore! I have been told that if I get a job then my income will be combined with my husbands and then she gets more child support. the child support she receives gets spent on her self doing her hair and nails ect...but theres nothing we can do about that . so excuse me for saying so im not about to work my a** off to take care of her wants and needs when I have my own to support I need advice.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/21/2013

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Did he get court ordered visitation? If not, he needs to talk to his attorney. And they won't take your income into consideration for her kids. Just his. Yep, been there, done that.

If he's concerned about paternity, AND you live in the US, AND the kids are under the age of 7, he can request DNA testing.

Otherwise, he's allowing her to manipulate him. He's the only one that can fix that.

Ann - posted on 11/21/2013

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My partner and I are not married solely due to the fact that I refuse to support his ex. There is this 3rd party service called the "family wizard" or something that you guys can use, and it's a mediator between parents so that all emails/texts/calls are about the children and NOTHING else.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/22/2013

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Exactly correct, Jodi. We all make our own choices. We all need to live with the choices we make!

But, I, like you, am one to own my choices (Including the poor ones, although I have to say, God must have had my back for as many chances as I took with my ex and unprotected sex...I simply got lucky there)

But here's where you and I are different than a lot of these others as well, Jodi...We see the direct results of NOT owning our choices by handling those students that we see daily. I don't know about you, but it not only reinforces the need to accept responsibility for our actions, but also the need for me, personally, as a parent, to make sure that I'm teaching my sons to not only make good choices, but to accept responsibility for all of the choices they make.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/22/2013

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Actually, I thought Jodi's posts were (as usual) spot on. Having been in the same situation myself.

I knew I was marrying someone with baggage. More importantly, I knew exactly what that baggage was, because not only did he fully disclose what had gone on during their relationship, but so did she and her friends. I expected more grief from the woman than I actually got, for which I was thankful. (Then again, my very matter of fact, blunt attitude may have had something to do with that as well).

But, I never "expected" to NOT have to pay support. I never expected to NOT have visitation and court issues.

And, yes, I'd say the same thing (about complaining, that is) to someone with a "difficult" MIL. (Mine's wonderful, and I am very blessed to have her). If you don't take it upon yourself to meet the family, and get to know what you're going to be involved in, it's your own fault. You SHOULD know before you marry what the family is like. That way, when they act out, you aren't surprised.

When you marry someone, male or female, you marry their family. Their past spouses. Their kids. If you don't like what you're seeing, don't take the plunge!

Thankfully, the step daughter in my life is grown, and we're done with the "baby mama drama". But, respectfully I submit that, yes, it is one's own personal responsibility to be fully aware of what you're getting into when you marry. Especially if it involves baggage like ex wives, children or overbearing inlaws.

Everyone have a great weekend. If y'all celebrate Thanksgiving or Hanukkah, Happy holidays, may you be blessed with wonderful gatherings filled with love. For those who don't, just have a great end of the month!

Jodi - posted on 11/21/2013

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OK, so the child support is court ordered. It surprises me that your income would be taken into consideration - I've never heard of that before. Have you actually discussed that with a lawyer? However, when it comes down to it, you married a man with children. That comes with baggage and unexpected surprises that you just pretty much have to suck up. People need to be more careful about who they have children with really, because this kind of story is all too common. Everyone had choices here, including you.

Can I ask how old the children are?

What about the visitation? If it isn't court ordered, then complaining about her withholding visitation is pointless because she can do as she pleases. You didn't mention anything about him having court ordered visitation. If she is breaking that court order, then your husband needs to file against her. If you don't have one, then he needs to get one.

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LalaBoom - posted on 11/24/2013

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Well, when you tell someone that they "should have known" and therefore cannot complain, essentially, you're dismissing their feelings and frustrations.

That's the thing, there IS blame to place on outside sources. Especially when s/he is the "root" of the hostility. Having said that, even if the drama is 100% outside sources (which it never is because we're all humans), I do agree it won't help the situation to engage in the blame-game.

For CS- not where I'm from. Well, technically. As a matter of fact, the CS judge who wasn't acquainted with mom's shenanigans told my husband, "well your wife can pay the rent by herself and you can just worry about the CS." I was floored because I couldn't believe the audacity. Funny though, once he brought in all receipts of payments. purchases, etc he had made, the judge quickly changed her tune and granted a reasonable judgement and even less than what he was giving her prior to CS court.

Jodi - posted on 11/22/2013

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Oh, she is entitled to feel any way she chooses. I never said anything about her feelings. I'd never dictate to anyone how they should feel, and I am not doing so to the OP. She was asking what she should DO. personally, just because I don't complain about anything that comes my way, doesn't mean I don't feel pissed off about it sometimes. I just don't agree with the OP placing the blame for how she feels on everyone else.

"As far as child support no subsequent child should go without because of a first born. "

I agree. But did I miss where the OP mentioned that her child was going without? Where I live, they actually do take other dependents into consideration, and will also consider capacity to pay, so I won't disagree with you on that.

LalaBoom - posted on 11/22/2013

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Sorry ladies! Still won't budge....

It seems we are talking apples and oranges. Owning up to your choices does not mean you denounce all that makes you human and you lose all rights to "feel." When you say, "take responsibility for your choices," you are speaking to the choir, darling. This is what keeps me sane in the midst of the madness, lol.

You are right a MIL and a [step]child are different, but the raw emotions are all the same. That is what I'm talking about. Even though she made the choice, like you and I did, to marry/be with a man who has children, the frustrations are not less valid simply because SHE made the choice to be with a man who has kids. If we are to say this, then it should be noted that all these "mothers" bitching about the ex "should have known" and therefore should "shut up and put up." Like I mentioned earlier, and I think you agree with this, we made the choice to be with these men, that does not mean we should have known these "adults" (which are so rampant the parenting climate is changing and no longer in favor of mothers) behave like rabid piranhas. If we would have "known," I suspect "stepmom" wouldn't even be a "position/title."

My husband literally told me "brace yourself," with regards to his ex. He disclosed the good, the bad, the ugly. Even so, I still wouldn't have "known." My case is not an anomaly- which is precisely why step-parenting is gaining more of a voice nowadays.

As far as child support no subsequent child should go without because of a first born. This would never happen in a household that is "intact," and to consider it acceptable in separate households seems cruel to the children born after. I'm not an opponent of CS in the least bit, and I want to make it a point to clarify. No kid should ever go without the financial support of both parents. No kid- ever. But working within the system, I do see the fallacy in the policies. Why do we not have such urgency to care for these kids as well?

I'm the childless stepmom, and I don't complain a least bit about the fact that, initially, the judge DID consider my income when calculating my husband's child support. Yet, the fact that mom lived in a house with her mom (who receives SocSec), her brother, who works full time, her sister, who is on public assistance, and her boyfriend all lived in one household was off-limits. How is a household of two incomes, one which is NOT to be included, comparable to a home where five adults have some income? It is not.

So no, we can't say we "should have known," because reality is far from what we should "know/expect."

Night ladies....... Rainy and cold in NY.....

Cheers!

Jodi - posted on 11/22/2013

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Haha, nope, I'm sitting here procrastinating final Year 10 assessments....I have to spend my weekend marking papers, and then setting assessment for my Year 7 students. No rest for me this weekend. But if you ever do get down here, make sure you look me up :D

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/22/2013

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Thanks, Jodi! Have a great weekend 'down under' (I'm still gonna get there someday...it's my goal)

Jodi - posted on 11/22/2013

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Not to mention that if we don't accept the responsibility for our choices (and that includes choosing who we have children with the first time), then we are actually openly admitting that we have no control over our own decisions. They may not always be good choices, but they are our choices. I will quite openly accept that I have made some poor choices in life (I am that person who chose the wrong person to have a baby with), but I also own them and will not complain about the consequences. I AM one of those people who just sucks it up and gets on with it. I won't apologise for disappointing you about my perspective.

Jodi - posted on 11/22/2013

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There is, however, a difference between a mother-in-law and a step-child. The child will always be the priority of the parent. A mother-in-law will not be the same level of absolute responsibility.

I, too, am in the same position as the OP. I knew, when I married my husband, that he had children. I don't now have the right to complain about having to pay child support out of our household budget, however it may be adjusted over time (and believe me, it has gone up and down for YEARS AND YEARS because of the needs of the kids, mothers not having enough incomes, etc). Maybe I had a better idea of what to expect, given I am also in the position of the mother and was a mother myself before I made this commitment. Child support does come with the territory. And it does change as situations change. If you don't want these hassles, don't marry someone with children.

LalaBoom - posted on 11/22/2013

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Jodi- I'm sorry but I dsagree with your resolve, and I'm quite disappointed in the rhetoric you chose today.

To say the OP has "no right to complain" because she "knew before she got with him" is quite condescending and dismissive. Would you be okay with someone telling you that if you have a difficult, let's say, MIL? No, I suspect you would not. Or say, a college student who struggles with classes? No. But somehow it's "okay" to tell this crap to other women, particularly, stepmoms. As a matter of fact, let's flip this: when people empathize with the plight of motherhood and financial distress, should I say, "well you knew kids were expensive and yet you chose to have them"? or better yet, "well you knew he was a deadbeat before you got pregnant?" Food for thought....

I'm the **exact** same situation as the OP, and I'm not a new stepmom. Actually I wish I could be "old news." Yes I expected baggage and yes I knew he had kids. But no, I did not know that "baggage" means an emotionally-stunted high-conflict individual. No, I did not know "baggage" means there's woman constantly attacking you simply because you're breathing. No, I did not know "baggage" means you would have your home invaded by ACS agents following bogus abuse allegations. The list could go on, really.

We need to stop coming up with "reasons" to excuse the outrageous shit these types of parents do. Marrying a man with kids comes with a lot, but you "don't know" until you are in it- you know this. And to say "it comes with the territory" or any comment of the sort, implies that all moms act in this childish manner- and THAT I refuse to believe.

Also, another thing that bugs me is this:

When people talk about CS with regards to the father, there's this inherent inclination to DEMAND that the he pony up without consideration AT ALL. Let's take a closer look: IF the parents were together, and decided to have subsequent children, would you deny the same financial assistance to those children? No. You would accommodate and take into consideration whatever the factors are at the time. Then why are child support paying parents (mom/dad) denied the same courtesy after subsequent children?

Okay, end of rant, LOL

Hope I didn't offend you, but- admittedly- your comment hit a nerve, lol.

Cheers!

Jodi - posted on 11/22/2013

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I am not suggesting that what she is doing is right. I was simply putting out there a possibility of why she may not be able to support herself. There are some instances where a woman DOES need to be paid support because it can be very difficult to hold a job when you have young children. It really can. If you are not a mother, you can't know that. Quite honestly, the first year my daughter was in daycare, she was sick quite a bit. This is very common. What do you do with the child then? You have to stay home. Some workplaces won't accommodate that too frequently. I am not saying your husband should be responsible for EVERYTHING, but he isn't. She is getting assistance too.

From what I gather it isn't her demanding more money from your husband, it is the "system" who is making that decision.

And just for the record, I am on both sides of this, because not only have we had to pay child support for my husband's children for years, but I have an ex who pays next to nothing in child support. I don't think you have the right to complain when (1) he made a choice to have children with this other woman and (2) you made a choice to marry a man with a commitment to two young children.

[deleted account]

I know I am a woman but I see it from both views since I am with someone dealing with it. I am also a mother and I would never keep my children away from there father. children need there daddy! just like they do there mama . and I would never let my children go with out just because I wanted or needed something!. it takes to two to make a baby so no I don't think the man should be responsible for everything it should be equal.

[deleted account]

ok but I never said that she shouldn't get child support im saying she needs to spend it on the kids not her self she has a husband! . they go to pre school and its free no excuse why she cant work .instead she gets her child support food stamps gov phone living assistance . and demands more money from my husband haha. he pays for there insurance and copays for doctors visit so she should not be responsible for anything?

Jodi - posted on 11/22/2013

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OK, at the ages of 3 and 4, they need to be in daycare if mum goes out to work. I just want to add to my previous comments that I don't think it is fair to criticise her for not working and needing some level of support for the "general household". Unless she has a high level education and a high wage, daycare can be really expensive and it may not actually be WORTH her working due to the costs involved.

[deleted account]

the children are 3 and 4 ,but its all about to come to place now they scheduled to have his DNA done finally. so now hes done got the ball rolling and went and got legitimation papers yesterday
thanks anyways

[deleted account]

I just don't think my husband is entitled to taking care of his ex girlfriend. just his children

[deleted account]

yes I know he is obligated to pay it, he was giving her four hundred a week before it was court ordered .court ordered now is 900 a month she always has nice clothes and yet she has NO JOB and the kids always have to wear clothes that are to small and are full of holes???? she agreed to let him have his DNA test done, then when the day come she packed all there stuff up and sent them to her mothers, this has been an on going thing. and DCSS is the one that told my husband about the combining income.

Jodi - posted on 11/21/2013

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Firstly, does he have a court order specifying his visitation? If not, then he needs to get one. Then she has no right to withhold it, or he could file for contempt.

Secondly, how much child support is he paying? He is obligated to pay child support. I am pretty sure it isn't paying to get her hair and nails done. I'm sure she also spends quite a bit of money on the kids.

No, your income should have nothing to do with child support. Who told you that?

Finally, if she claims one of the children don't belong to him, get a court ordered DNA test done. However, I'd say that she may also have been saying this to hurt and upset him.

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