What to do?! Please help me.. daughter and her Dad

Kayla - posted on 10/22/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )




hey fellow Mummys.. I need help and I'm just going to waffle on here abit so sorry in advance!!

I'm in the UK and my daughter is 6 years old.. basically me and her father separated properly after being on and off when she was about 1 year old. He was extreamly violenet towards to me.. is an alcoholic.. would turn it around onto me and say it's my fault, that I deserved it and see no wrong in what he did. The next day it never happened.. even to this day he is deluded about how he used to act I know three of his partners all of whom he abused whilst being in a relationship. He would tell me that my daughter would be taken off me if I reported him and that if I left him he would kill me and still have my daughter taken off me.

He just lies and twists thing - very hateful man. Had him arrested several times over the course of the relationship. so after me becoming homeless one day as he had spent all the rent money on drinking for several months.. I left him and starting afresh.

I never stopped him from seeing her then.. but he would say he couldn't be a part of her life if I wasn't to be with him as it hurt him too much. This would hurt me and I would beg him to be involved in her life for the best.

Then over the next few years he was fighting, still drunk every single day and in turn eventually became jobless.. he had begun to leave me alone as he had met somebody else who became pregnant with his latest little one.

So no child maitenance was being paid etc.. just him funding his drink problem. Over these years too he has been admitted into hospital for having seizures. The seizures are a part of withdrawal in heavy drinkers. I have been present when the doctors gave this explanation to him as the cause. They even informed he would eventually kill himself, he had bleeding on the brain from the fall. they kept him in to wean him off and explained drinking would affect the healing and he still ended up discharging himself and going to the pub :( So after I witnessed the seizure I said to him he wasn't to be left alone with my daughter for the reason being anything could happen and it was far too scary for a little one to witness. So she went to see him whilst his partner was there.all throughout these years it was me taking her to him.. travelling the 40 minutes.

They ended up breaking up as he was arrested for hitting her. Then my little one told me that all they did was shout at each other when she was there and that Daddy was asleep most of the days she was there. So.. The final day where I picked her up I went into his flat somebody approached me asking me to ask him if they could have some weed. Went in and noticed empty drug bags, told him enough was enough and I didn't want her around all this. So he hit me and spat in my face infront of her.

So I left and that was it told him I would not be doing all the running about and that she was not to stay there again...

So if he wanted to see her he could come up and meet her and play in the park beside my house together.. This happened once succesfully then he continually let her down or spent his time arguing and calling me names infront of her. If this happened my little one knew we both had to leave that it is not right for Daddy to shout at Mummy.

So he stopped coming up.. just made promises he would pay half of her new big girls bedroom when he had the money. Was still at this point getting no child maintenance. Then after asking him for the money one time he informed me I was money grabbing and that was it he would no longer deal with me to see her he would deal with the mother of his two boys from his previous relationship. as me and her have kept a relationship so they get to see each other. i told him no that was it no more chances.

Quite frustrating that work really hard to buy things and he wastes everything on drink.

I later found out that he had a compensation pay out of 5 grand and had not bothered buying her anything or paying what he owed me. As well as no birthday/Christmas presents over the past 3 years.

So that was that from last year he has seen her once. Then I find out he has moved back to the town I live in and got a job (bar manager) so the drinking still continues just more heavily. The older son of his has his own mobile so they arrange to meet and went off to see him yesterday. But where my daughter mixes with i'm worried about what damage it will do her knowing and wondering why they see them and she don't. Their mum thinks they are too old to stop them going 12 and 8 but understands that I don't for her safety where she is only 5.

So basically I'm asking if I am doing the right thing? I understand that it's best for a child to have two parents but I feel that if she goes again to see him it will do more damage than good to her?

I'm so upset I just don't know what is best, I don't want her growing up to hate me for something i'm doing that I feel is best for her. If his old track record is anything to go back it isn't long before he loses his job when they realise he is drinking the bar dry.

Please help :(


View replies by

Lacye - posted on 10/22/2012




In this case, you are doing the right thing. You never know what is going to happen when she will be with him, you don't know if he is continuing the drinking and drug habit with her there, and you don't know if he is even properly taking care of her like he should. You are thinking about the safety of your child.

Ariana - posted on 10/22/2012




Do you have any legal custody arrangements? Is it possible to get some sort of legitimate supervised visits? Could you have someone else meet with him at a park so he'll have an opportunity to see her without you being the one near them? I would not let your daughter go over to his house or see violence done on you.

Maybe you can get someone you know (a man?) who can be there at visitation, just a friend or someone not involved in the situation and explain to your daughters dad that you do not feel safe when you see him and if any situations happen the man will leave right away (as you were).

I would personally try to get a custody order where he can have supervised visits at certain times in a real facility meant to deal with these issues. That way he has the opportunity to see her (however often at your discretion) but without the risk to your daughter.

I think you should do everything you can to facilitate them meeting, but definitely not at the risk of your daughter or yourself.

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