What to do when aggravated but not assaulted?

Melssa - posted on 08/20/2011 ( 6 moms have responded )

11

0

0

I left my ex-commonlaw 21/2 years ago. He threatened that if I ever took the kids from his farm he' d drag me thru court till I had nothing! When I left him the police charged him with assault and told me to go back and get what I needed for a few days. He ended up with almost everything I owned. The sentimental things are the most disheartening but he says has no clue where they went. I had 2 horses but he refused to let me have them and and then sold them. After 11/2 years I told him that the courts will only see us as family so for the boys sake we need to start acting like it. He didn't want to be friends he wanted the whole package. I said we had to be friends 1st. I gave him the boys for school time(4.5:2.5 days), and he demanded PD and holidays as well. I wanted 4:3 for vacation time he insited 3.5:3.5 So I allowed it. We did great, I thot, for 10 months. I agreed to move back to the community if he got coucelling. He agreed to help me buy a farm close to his so we could share parenting and be there for each other for child care and help when needed, but in exchange he wanted a "blanket control" over me and the property. When I wouldn't agree he went balistic and called off everything. Now he demands his own parenting schedule and if I don't agree he tries to take it! My daughter, 14, asked for her savings and trampoline he said no get a lawyer! Police won't help he hasn't committed a crime! Back to court but lawyers say you have to get along you can't have custody. The control he has over the boys(4&6yrs) is sickening. He tells them Mummy is stupid and everything we do or buy is pathetic. He changes my appointments and when I arrive to pick up the boys he makes me wait for up to an hour. He just informed me that my things I had there in storage, cause we agreed if I was going to move back there was no point in hauling it home and then back again, was taken to the dump 11/2 months ago. I know there is alot here but this is only half of it and I'm not going to cope with much more!

6 Comments

View replies by

Melssa - posted on 08/21/2011

11

0

0

Thanks Jane you were great info and provided me with some balance and calmness. You may not know it I've been on the planet a few decades to...it's a wonder we haven't met before! lol Yes he is all those things and how someone can say they love you and want you in their life then turn around and do things to cut your heart out(over and over) is something I'm not able to wrap my head around. I thought if I treated him with respect and kindness he'd return it.: reap what you sew kind of thing. Your advice for coping day to day? should I keep communication open or get him as distant as I can? I tend to be wishy washy between what I want and what is best for the kids & sadness and hatred for him for the things he's done.

Jane - posted on 08/21/2011

2,390

262

487

I am not a lawyer, but I can use the Internet and I have been on the planet a few decades. :-)

Your ex sounds a bit unbalanced and over-controlling, probably immature and self-centered, but I believe that with the right lawyer you can make your life a bit easier.

However, I have witnessed other situations like yours and I have seen that until the last child is a legal adult, and you move away so he can't contact you, he will continue to aggravate you because he can. My brother's ex is constantly trying to figure out ways to to "tap dance on his head" by accusing him of all sorts of things ranging from stealing the kids' college funds to child abuse, so he has to keep thorough records of everything so he can produce them at any time in rebuttal.

Pick your battles, keep seeking the right lawyer, and do what you can to move on. 10 to 15 years feels like a long time when you are at the beginning but the time will pass and you will be able to get free of him eventually.

Melssa - posted on 08/21/2011

11

0

0

You're quite straight forward and an abundance of information are you a lawyer? Appreciate it either way as I'm torn apart at the moment and can't sleep. He refuswed to setr a date and then during an arguement he said "that's why I'll never marry you and so I took off the ring and threw it at him! He left it in a bag after he took it for warranty inspection on the kitchen table for a day or so but I didn't know why as we weren't speaking. He said after that since I didn't take it he put away at his parents I think.
I do keep a journal now for the past 4 moths or so and at the beginning for several months. At the time I found it exhausting and completely consuming and the lawyer never made any use of it. I also found that it is hard to stay possitive when your always having to focus and document the negative.
I did talk to the family law referral line and I also tried mediation but he walked out before we discussed anything. I this spring found a mediator that was also(not beknown to my ex) a counsellor but he refused to go.

Jane - posted on 08/21/2011

2,390

262

487

Breach of promise is a real thing and you can still do it in Alberta. If he gave you a ring, refused to marry you, then took the ring back you can sue to get the ring given back to you.

"When engagement rings are given before the engagement is broken off, the rule is whoever broke off the engagement forfeits the ring. So if your boyfriend decides that he doesn't want to get married after giving you an engagement ring, you can keep the ring. But if the woman decides to break off the engagement after accepting the ring, she has to return it to her suitor." -- http://www.duhaime.org/LegalResources/Fa...

Have you talked to these folks at all? http://www.albertacourts.ab.ca/familylaw...

Can you keep a diary of what he does or refuses to do, when, where, and who heard or saw him? If carefully maintained this sort of thing can sometimes serve to demonstrate a pattern of abuse or harassment.

Melssa - posted on 08/20/2011

11

0

0

I live in Alberta, Canada. Most of what you say is accurate here as well. We have been to court and got a "child access agreement"(called this because we were not married) but it is out dated now cause the kids have entered preschool and we went to a 4 way and came to a new agreement that I asked to have altered before a judge signed it and he never agreed to it and that is when I said we needed to just get along and that I'd rather buy him a plane ticket to Disneyland someday so we can take the boys on a holiday instead of giving the lawyers all our money and have nothing left for our kids or ourselves. I have gone through dozens of lawyers looking for one that is aggressive or will even take a high conflict case and have gotten no where. My 2 year limitation for getting any settlement of money or property has passed but I was never told till now that that also meant my own personal property. He is a farmer and therefore can hide a lot of his income and appear to be poverty stricken, his parents live in the same yard and pay for a lot of the expenses but don't seem to have to be calculated in as any part of the income. What is it you think I could sue him for after 21/2 years? I was hoping maybe mental abuse and cruelty? My sister says breach of promise because we were engaged but he refused to marry me, but I've never heard of such a thing. Thank you for your feed back.

Jane - posted on 08/20/2011

2,390

262

487

I don't know where you live, but in Texas two people who have lived together in such a way to be considered common law spouses have a right to go to court and have a divorce mediated by a judge. As the Q and A website says:



"Common law marriage may end in two ways. If there have been children or if property and debts remain undivided, you will want to seek a formal divorce. In a divorce, paternity, custody, support, and visitation can be determined, and debts and community property can be divided.



Under a new provision of the Family Code, either partner in a common law marriage has two years after you split up to file an action to prove that the marriage did exist. In order to fit into this provision, you must have separated after September 1, 1989."



"Both partners in a common law marriage are responsible for debts and for care and support of children of the marriage. It is therefore urgent that you discuss the ending of this marriage with an attorney. You have a choice of methods, but they all require you to act within a certain length of time. However, even if the time has expired for you to obtain a divorce, other steps can be taken to get orders for payment of child support and visitation for children of the marriage." - - http://www.co.travis.tx.us/dro/common_la...



So get YOUR OWN lawyer and sue him right back. After all, HE seems to be the one with assets, which need to be used to help raise the kids and which you can take from him in court.



He is controlling you because he wants to and you think he can. Don't let him.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms