What to do when you HATE sex?

Lana - posted on 06/03/2013 ( 19 moms have responded )

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During my pregnancy sex was very uncomfortable and I didn't like it at all, but I managed to do it anyway. When I delivered 6 months ago I ripped so sex was too unbearable. Here we are at 6 months out and I still can't have sex. It is still painful and now I have grown to DESPISE IT even. The thoughof intimacy brings me to tears. I don't know what to do. I'm going to the doctor to see what he can do to make it more comfortable, but the thought of sec makes me miserable. HELP!

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Mommy - posted on 06/05/2013

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Intimacy is more than intercourse....try some forplay for now and see if you feel ok with that. Also cuddling, kissing, touching are all good ways to be intimate without intercourse.

Deanna - posted on 06/05/2013

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Using lots of lube may help with the discomfort.
As for the emotional, once a person starts to associate something with pain they start to fear it. Because sex had become painful to you you may have started to fear sex. And this will not be an easy fix now. It will take time and patience on both you and your partner. Once you find a way to ease the discomfort, ease into it. Start slow. Act like dating teenagers, make out, go a bit further each time. Eventually you will get there.
Good luck!!

Kathleen - posted on 06/05/2013

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Thank you for your kind words. I'm going through a particularly bad patch right now and just getting up in the morning takes effort. Kindness is always appreciated and I thank you for extending it to me.

Melissa - posted on 06/04/2013

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Try Replense ! Walmart, Target, even my grocery store sells it. It's a vaginal moisturizer that is safe to use while breast feeding (if you are). It comes with an applicator and you use it every 3 days or as necessary and it helps keep you regular down there. Our hormones after pregnancy have a tendency to dry us up down there which can further add to your discomfort. I'm sure your OB will mention it. It works wonders.

Vaughnceil - posted on 06/04/2013

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Give yourself time. Talk to your significant other about your concern and yes talk to your doctor.

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Lana - posted on 06/07/2013

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UPDATE: I was prescribed Vagifem for the discomfort during intercourse and my husband has asked me SEVERAL times to stop nursing our 7 month old because my baby is "old enough" and I don't need to nurse a year if it means no intercourse. Now I am more miserable nursing is EXTREMELY special to me. I will post how the Vagifem works out for me. Thanks ladies!

Cassie - posted on 06/06/2013

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Well, What my doctor told me was to have someone watch our baby for the night, go out, have a good time, come home, have a bottle of wine, and some lubricant. I tore at delivery and was breastfeed after so it was really painful as well. The wine took the edge off...a lot! On another note, there was a while that I just did not feel attracted to my husband. I had to site down with him and talk that out I thought that I was not in love with him anymore but, sit down and talking it out honestly I found that it was merely me being hormonal. This is something I still have to work on. It just takes time. Hope this helps!

Michelle - posted on 06/05/2013

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That happened to me as well but with my first child only...it was breastfeeding related, it can make you very dry. Even with lubricant it was painful so we resorted to other ways of having intimacy. I breastfed for 14 months and when I stopped I was back to normal. Now with my second one, I am still breastfeeding at 14 months and no issues whatsoever this time, hang in there!

Kathleen - posted on 06/05/2013

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You will. Give yourself time. Sadness needs to be worked through on its own and cannot be rushed. Don't let yourself be hurried through it.,

Kathleen - posted on 06/05/2013

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Lana, run, do not walk, to your gynecologist & TELL HER/HIM what is going on! She can give you estrogen crème, estrogen oral supplements and suggest over the counter things that you can buy at WalMart or CVS called Replens--it's vaginal lubricant that you use every day for about 3 days and it does help.

Or you can do what I did, which I wouldn't recommend, but I have a history of doing stuff to myself that I shouldn't do: I took 4 of my brother-in-law's (he's an OB/GYN) Viagra pills on his recommendation and tried them, one at a time. THEY HELPED! Why this isn't available for women is beyond both him and I. It is probably the best kept secret in America! Ladies! Try it but don't say I recommended it--although it worked for me. Like Hunter Thompson once said: "I'd never recommend drgus and alcohol to anyone...but they've always worked for me." No, I no longer indulge in recreational drugs/booze. At 56 the hangovers and health issues ain't worth it.

Lana - posted on 06/04/2013

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The doc gave me estrogen cream which is rumored to ruin milk supply, I am also on Paxil(antidepressant)which also lessened my milk supply. I'm not going to allow my milk to dry up so at this point I am looking for a dosage that will work. The therapy advice is different and new so thank you for that and all of the support ladies! I look forward to attemting some of this advice and I will report back.

Franki - posted on 06/04/2013

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I think that u really should just do it anyway unless it is painful of course if u really dont want to do it maybe time for a new man u prob just dont want to have sex with him anymore

Kristin - posted on 06/04/2013

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I ended up at a physical therapist... Oddly they do exist for sexual dysfunction and bladder issues apparently. It was very liberating to be in a safe environment to express my concerns and explain my pain without feeling riddled with guilt. After about 6 weeks I was ready to move on with my life. I have learned how to not experience pain with relaxation and have learned to not tense up in anticipation of pain. I honestly thought this was a waste at first and awkward but it really helped me. I had been the the women's specialist (my Ob referred me) and they said its vulvadynia and prescribed lyrica for the "nerve pain". I never took it bc I was nursing at the time so ended up at PT as a last resort but it was invaluable. I too had some old scarring from my first delivery 4 yrs ago and he helped me identify the pain and lessen it.

Sarah - posted on 06/04/2013

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I too had this problem after the birth of my first. I ended up going back to my o.b., who used silver nitrate to remove some of the scar tissues from the stitching. It was uncomfortable, but better than surgery, and safer too.
use lots of lubricant when having sex, and do anything you can to relax before, during, and after. good excuses for massage, backrubs
, and foreplay, if your hubby is in for it!
All the best!

Lana - posted on 06/04/2013

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Okay thank you ladies! I'm tired of being asked to do something that always leaves me bawling in tears. I just want to feel normal again.

Firebird - posted on 06/03/2013

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If sex is still causing you physical pain, you should definitely get to a doctor. It's quite likely that you were not stitched up properly after you tore. Or there could be some scar tissue. Unfortunately either of these causes may require surgery to repair, if there's anything at all that can help. I hope this isn't the case and I wish you luck. If your doctor dismisses your concern, find a new doctor and don't stop until someone tries to help you.

Kathleen - posted on 06/03/2013

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You're not alone. I have absolutely no interest in sex either, and haven't since my daughter was born in 1994. Partly this is because my husband is lazy and does nothing to help me around the house; he is a bit of a bully and very controlling. So I control him by withholding sex.

Yeah, I've got a problem but I don't care. You could, of course, go to a doctor and demand some hormones...they'll give you some line that they cause cancer, etc., but why is it that men have Viagra and women have NOTHING? I have girlfriends who use estrogen-based creme and they tell me it helps. Worth a try.

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