What to do when your child misses a deadbeat dad?

Angel - posted on 09/21/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )




I am a 24 yr old mother of a 2 yr old boy and am currently 3 months pregnant with my second child. Their father and I was in a off and on relationship for 4 years and recently broke up for good when the news of the 2nd pregnancy came. Now we have both left our apt and my 2 yr old misses his dad sooo much I dont know what to do. Now when I contact his dad for my son to see him he makes promises to come and get him but when the day comes he wants me to be there with them during the visit. I am completely over trying to be with him, to many lies, games and exes involved, but he still tells me he loves me and we should start over and the rest of the bulls**t... And when he says things like that I don't want to be around him or even let my child be around him just because he seems psychotic. He did everything in the book to push me away, from leaving me to take care of our 2 yr old when I was sick, leaving me in the ER and sneaking out of the house at 2am... Now that we aren't together I don't want anything to do with him because of those issues, and also because he won't even acknowledge my pregnancy. I know my child deserves 2 parents so I have tried to make arrangements for him to have his son ( 1 child out of 5 previous) but he doesn't follow thru. Now when my son sees any black man, he calls for his daddy and I don't know what to say to comfort him. I can't say, daddy doesnt want to see you, or your daddy is in the sky so my question is...... What should I do when my 2 yr old cries for his dad? I cant stand to see his heart broken over and over again. Should I continue trying when this man clearly is trying to get to me thru our son


Ariana - posted on 09/21/2012




I believe you need to set boudaries with this man for yourself while still maintaining a relationship for your son and his father. You do not need to go with him on visits and are giving him false hope when you do. It's possible that once he realizes that he can't get to you that he'll drop your children; but that's a risk you must take or else your sons relationship with his father will continuously be based on your willingness to play games in this relationship. You need to make it clear that the relationship is over and from now on this relationship has to be based on your son and him, not you and him.

Do you have a legal agreement set up for visitation? If not you need to start doing that as well as child support. You need to tell him that your son loves him and needs him in his life; but that you can't be with him and want to have a working relationship with him for your son.

As for your son he's only two so there is not much you can do. Never say anything negative about his father (no matter what) and if possible don't tell him he's going to see his Dad unless you are 100% sure that he is. It will only get his hopes up. He's to young to be able to explain to him properly what's going on. The best you can do is comfort him and tell him you know he misses his Daddy and you wish he could see him too. As he gets older you can truthfully tell him that Daddy isn't always very responsible and, although you're sure he misses and loves him, he doesn't always do what he says and it's not your sons fault. For now comfort him and acknowledge that yes he misses his daddy and you hope he'll see him soon.

The reason I say you should try to maintain a relationship with this man is because he is your sons father and your son knows him. If you try to do things to break this relationship your son will find out about it and realize it and dislike you for it. If your son is let down by his father unfortunately that is his fathers choice and his father will ultimately pay the price for it. Your children deserve to know their father and the best you can do is be the best person you can be in this relationship.

You can show your son that you love and support him. Maybe some day down the road you'll meet a man who treats you and your son properly. Until then are there any friends/family who can be a male role model to your son? Of course it's no substitute for a father but having an uncle or other male take an interest in him, and be around while his father can't, may help him understand that although his Dad isn't always responsible there are other males who are consistant in his life. Maybe you could find a male you know and trust to visit with him and you once a week or biweekly; to show him that there are other important males in his life he can look up to.

I hope for your sons sake everything will work out. If nothing else just remind him how much you love him and that it's not his fault if his dads not around. Try to have another male step up who you can count on. Good luck!


View replies by

Angel - posted on 09/21/2012




Setting boundaries is my number one issue right now, the more boundaries I set, the more he goes the other direction with saying " I love you, we should be together, your my number one " and such, and when I don't respond to those advances, its well f**k it, and f**k you b**ch! And I'm left stunned like, how can you have so many children with just this one child less than a mile away from you and you don't want to see his smile, hear his laugh or play with him. Of course I am very hormonal right now so when I hear this disrespect I automatically say, f ' it well I tried....

I have set up child support, and he has also quit his job because of the monthly obligation and feel that if he wants his child, he must set up visitation himself to prove that he wants to spend quality time with my child. I would love for him to have him 50/50 but if he's not going to provide and be a part of our sons life I'm honestly thinking about leaving the state entirely.

The child I am pregnant with now, will be his 6th child. Of all of the born children he has none of them are remaining in this state basically because the mothers did not want to go through this same obstacle.

I want to have a working relationship with this man for my sons sake especially, because I did not have my dad consistently in my life. But I honestly don't feel lhe could teach him how to be a honorable God fearing man. Idk. I definitely do not want my son to resent me but how much disrespect is enough? This man hasn't seen my son in 2 months and he's less than a mile a way. I don't feel like I should have to go out of my way for my son to have a relationship with someone who isn't gonna provide and maintain a relationship with him, father or not.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms