What to do with 2nd baby on the way & daddy doesn't want more children?

Alia - posted on 08/19/2011 ( 30 moms have responded )

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My son is 18 months and I just graduated with a Bachelors in Humanities & Social Sciences but now I am pregnant again. My first pregnancy was unplanned and occurred while taking Yaz but I wouldn't change it. I love my son so much. My husband and I were estranged for the first year of his life but have been attempting to work on our family. He was working while I was finishing school and taking care of our son. Now that I have graduated I've been trying to get back into the workforce but I just found out I'm pregnant. I haven't told anyone yet. My husband was adamant about not having another child. I don't want to have an abortion but I fear our financial situation at the moment and what my friends and family will think. Constructive advice would be welcome.

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Teri - posted on 08/20/2011

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After reading your comments, it is evident that the abortion decision is one you are unsettled about in your mind even now. My advice then would be to take that option off the table then. If you are already conflicted about it, I dont see that changing. I know several women who felt "forced" into an abortion decision and have had feelings of regret and remorse ever since.
Perhaps you could consider another option- adoption. Often adoptive parents pay for all the birth mom's medical expenses and provide a home with more financial stability. There are many good adoption agencies through out the country or private adoption could even be an option. Not sure what your friend's financial situation is but that could even be an option.
Bottom line is that your husband does need to know ASAP before anyone else. And I suggest u know what options u can live with -adoption or keep the baby-and what u cannot -abortion. Then make the choice with your husband.
As I post this I am praying for God to give you wisdom.

Amy - posted on 08/23/2011

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Okay, after reading this, remember, You can do bad all by yourself. Your husband sounds like he maybe doesn't really want to be a husband. Why, exactly did he move back? Im asking because if he ":forgets" to pay bills, did he get put out of his last residence? He just doesn't sound supportive. Have your babies, they will love you, look to people you trust to find a good daycare, get a job, you earned that degree!!! (Congrats, again!!) and get some government assistance for a short time and God will protect you!!

Kathleen - posted on 08/20/2011

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have you considered adoption? maybe because I was adopted as a baby I have a bias opinion on abortion, but if you are sure you could not financially raise another child this may be an option for you.

Bonnie - posted on 10/03/2011

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In the end it is your body and you can make the final decision. Birth control often fails. Like some others have said, if he was demanding, no more children, he should have gotten a vesectomy. That is the most permanent form of birth control.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/23/2011

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Congratulations, but what a sticky situation. If he was that adamant about no more children he should have gotten a vasectomy.

Abortion is permanent. At this point, I would not be thinking about what others want. I would be thinking if I WANTED to have the abortion. No one can force you to have an abortion. And also, if he becomes estranged again after having an abortion, how will you feel about that? I am pro choice, but that means YOU making the decision. Especially if you feel you already know his answer. I really wish you the best of luck, but before making any decisions, maybe go to the doctor first to make sure it is not a false positive?

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Rmg - posted on 08/23/2011

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congrats. you just recived give fr God.Kept it and ask God to give you n husband a good financial sources to make the baby grow n praised God.

Randi - posted on 08/22/2011

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Wow, I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this when it should be a time of joy. I understand your concerns though because my husband is adamant about no more kids. We have a 2 1/2 year old little boy and he says we won't have any more. Right now I agree because I don't think we are ready; financially and I enjoy it just being my one...I read some of the comments and I have had the same concerns but abortion is not the answer. I have wondered if my husband and I will make it if I come up pregnant. Well the only way I know to face it is to just face it if it happens. The Lord has given you this blessing for some reason and if your husband is to selfish to take care of you and your children then you don't need him. I hate to say that because I wouldn't want to see any children growing up without a father but unfortunately it does happen. If your husband really loves you and your 18 mon old child, he will more than likely love your unborn child even if it takes time for the shock to ware off. Just tell him. If he happens to leave again then you don't need him. Keep your head up and do what's best for you and your children.

Erin - posted on 08/21/2011

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My heart goes out to you... Please consider placing your child for adoption before considering an abortion. We adopted our son because his birth mom chose adoption, and it is the biggest blessing ever. We aren't able to get pregnant, so never would have been able to have a family if adoption didn't exist. Our son is the most precious, wonderful blessing and we are so thankful to his birth mom for making this choice. He has brightened our lives beyond belief and been such a joy to all of our family and friends. I pray everthing works out for you and that whatever you decide that you feel at peace about it. God Bless You!

Alia - posted on 08/21/2011

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Thanks to everyone for their support and advice. It's nice to have a forum in which I don't feel judged or pushed to make a decision one way or the other. And I thank you all for that.



I suppose another issue that I have is that my husband and I were estranged for my entire pregnancy and almost until my son turned one. He only just moved back and we are attempting to be a real family. We moved in together in February and it took us a while to be "comfortable" with each other again. He has a bit of an issue with ED so intimacy is rare. Of course it only takes one time as they say and it pretty much did. It was completely unexpected. We were celebrating the 4th of July... enough said. Well on top of the estrangement there is the fact that I'm getting to see how he functions as the "head of household" and it isn't very good. I am in charge of finances because when it was up to him he'd forget to pay bills and we'd get late charges and things turned off. It wasn't that we didn't have the money he just "forgot". Another huge issue is that I have been asking him for months to work out his insurance through his work so that our son would be covered for his well baby checkups and any unexpected emergencies. While we were estranged and during my pregnancy I had gotten temporary assistance because my job of 5 yrs had laid me off and I wasn't making much on unemployment. (And daddy offered no support what-so-ever) I decided to finish school, which thankfully I did. But I made sure my son had Medicaid even though I didn't take assistance for myself. Once I moved in with my husband he was supposed to give me his financial information so that our son's Medicaid would be reissued for the current year (since he had yet to sign him onto his insurance). Well he "couldn't" or more like "wouldn't" get me the information I needed and they canceled my son's Medicaid. So I was even more adamant that he sort out his insurance through work. He kept "forgetting" or whatever and never did it. So the past two well baby checkups we had to pay out-of-pocket, putting us behind on some bills.



On top of that, my son had his first illness. He got a virus and had a temperature, hives, diarrhea, and finally vomiting. We took him to the ER because it got really bad and it was about 2am. (We're still awaiting that bill) We had an argument the next day while going to pick up our sons anti nausea meds. I was being bombarded with calls from my parents and aunt about him needing to get our son on his insurance and that fact that since we were so low income that we could possibly still reinstate his Medicaid if my husband would get his financial information together. I was passing along the information to him and he snapped at me that he "got it!" You can imagine how irritating it was to keep asking him to get insurance so our son would be covered and for him to snap at me for passing along the new information my family offered for getting that done, well I just literally wiped my hands. He said, "Oh you're wiping your hands of all of it?" I just told him I didn't know how many times I could ask him to do this and he still wouldn't and yet he acted like it was mine and our son's fault that we had unexpected bills. I never raised my voice I only told him how I felt and he flipped out. I had never seen this side of him before. He screamed in the car, smacking his legs and yelling, "I know! I f@!ked up! It's all my fault!" The worst part is that our son was in the back seat.



I don't think he's a violent person but he keeps things so bottled up that when pushed to a corner he blows up. It honestly worries me to think of having another kid with him. When things aren't so tight we get along fine, but I still haven't truly forgiven him for abandoning me during my pregnancy. He doesn't understand why. And to me this whole "moving in together" was a "trial" to see if we could make it as a family. At least for my son's sake. My husband comes from a broken home but my parents have been together for 35yrs. I wanted my son to have a stable home with both his parents. But I'm not so sure it's going to work out. And now we add another poor soul to the mix. I'm really lost because I think I will have this child but I don't know what the future will hold with me and his/her father. There are so many broken homes and I really didn't want that for my children. I know that I have enough love to give both of my children but I don't think it's fair to them to leave their daddy. I guess that's one of my main concerns now.



My parents know about my husbands actions and irresponsibility and I think they are mostly concerned with the welfare of me and my son and the trials of single parenthood. To add another child to that... they just wanted more for me. I know they would support my decision to keep my child. And knowing my father that wouldn't keep him from telling me how hard it's going to be. I suppose I need that brutal honesty from time to time. I did finish school so perhaps it will help me to make better career choices as well. I just feel sometimes that my son (and now whomever resides inside me) would be better off without their daddy. At least I know I would make sure they got what they needed. And since I can't get his financial paperwork myself I have to rely on him to finally man-up and do it. So far (a little over a week later) I've still heard nothing about it.



Once again I thank you all so much for your support and advice. I think you will be happy to know that I've decided (whatever the outcome) I'm going to keep my baby. Thank you again.



PS: Cate Murray I would love to have your email and continue speaking with you if your offer is still on the table. Thanks.

Cate - posted on 08/21/2011

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I know how you feel. in fact your are not the first mum to be in this situation. my 2 boys were like yours. 2 years apart & both of them accidental. I didnt want to be pregnant again. Not that quickly. I never wanted my children so close together. No matter how many ppl told me it was the best thing for kids. But when i found out, I knew that i was going to love & care for that little one no matter what. I was just about to go back to work when i found out. When i was in my 1st trimester, i wasnt having the time of my life. A "friend" was causing me so much stress, that i started to bleed & almost miscarried. My husband & I were fighting a lot as well. I got rid of the "friend" cause no one has the right to make a pregnant woman stress out that much. But with my hubby, it was different. The fighting was getting worse & worse & i knew he was hiding something. I was so close to leaving him. I had to figure out what was wrong with him, cause in all honesty, I did & still do love him. When another one of our fights came up, I told him to tell me what was wrong & if he didnt, then i was going to walk out taking our first born & expecting with me. He then admitted that he didnt want expecting. Infact, he was even closer to leaving me then me walking out on him. I told him that he better sort it out. Make a dicision cause i was sick & tired of his male PMS. & he chose. He is a great father to both boys & an even wonderful hubby to me. He told me he was scared. esspically in the finance department. It's a struggle yes, but we don't regret having both our kids. I had made my decision to keep this child even if in the end it killed me & I was going through with it even if the man left me. Its not like i didnt have friends & family who werent going to help me out. Your husband sounds like my husband a bit. But uppon saying that, he also sounds like a jerk. This is the time to tell him that your with child sweetie. If he leaves fine...good ridance! The guy doesnt deserve a family. if he isnt going to take the responsability, the guy shouldve gotten the snip. But, if he loves you & your children, then he will take on all the responsability he needs to plus more. Don't stress. Please don't stress about him. He married you for better or for worse. for richer or for poorer. that included kids. cause it may seem hard now, but they will grow up beautiful ppl because of you. No one else. if you need to talk, i can give you my email address if you want. & Remember, if he leaves, ITS NOT YOU. ITS ALL HIM. He will come to realize that he made a big mistake. Hope this helps

Natasha - posted on 08/21/2011

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i will keep short and sweet, first off congrats, who cares what anyone thinks you will have two beautiful children who at the end of the day they are all that matters. good luck :) by sound of it you could not live with abortion i could not ever do it, think what a abortion could do to you would be worse than having the baby

Amanda - posted on 08/21/2011

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Wow sweetie, I feel your pain I was in a similar area with my husband still working on us don’t abort just for money the 2nd babies really don’t cost much and there help for you if you need it that’s why we pay taxes. for you love life I don’t know what yours problems are but someone told me once to make a list of things he does that I cant stand then look at it and ask why writing that by the cant stand and have him do the same then talk about the list and keep open minds (this worked better then 5yr therapy cheaper too) and how he feels about this baby … my husband said ok will make it work when I told him number 2 was coming. but if he cant stand the heat why is he cooking how do you feel about that is the big ? p.s think about adopting out I know 4 couples on a long waiting list

Maryrose - posted on 08/20/2011

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sounds to me that the guy is not worth having if he will have the attitude you anticipate..he can't have his cake and eat it too..it's going to be a lot of work but you'll pull through..i had to experience this when i expected my first child..he had other ideas about how not to be a father or responsibilites..he outright avoided me because he knew..i then went to his dad and told him of my decision to leave him be and raise the child myself..i didn't need a man to have a baby..he eventually came around and we stayed together for ten years..then i dumped him again..he never changed and was just not responsible about taking care of the family..we survived without him..my kid is now 25 and knows all the heartache her dad put her through..he now calls her and wants her undivided attention..she knows better..but we persevered without him..like the other person who posted..i agree..this is YOUR decision and how you feel is the most important..don't let anyone influence you..this, afterall involves a life..and this new life should not be penalized..i wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide and will include you in prayer..take care..

Tyrae - posted on 08/20/2011

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@Lilly - Just because your husband only has a brother (or more?) doesn't mean that you will only have boys. My fiance only has a brother, but his brother has 2 girls, and we have a daughter together also! It doesn't always follow the same way for multiple generations.

I think an adoption would be a good choice if you and your husband decide not to keep the baby. Even your best friends could adopt him/her if she wanted to, and then you could still watch your child grow and be apart of it's life. Unless that would be too hard for you. Personally, I would find it difficult to watch someone else raise a baby of mine.

It is true that there is never a financially stable time to have a child. Even if you are financially stable when you get pregnant, there could always be complications which cost money. And because you would be out of work for a while, that could also make your financially stability crumble around you. Some people do keep their stability, but most really aren't. I thought my fiance and I were financially stable enough to have a child, but now that we have my daughter I don't even know if I will be going back to work full time, let alone at all. And we want another child soon, which means I could be out of the workforce for years.

Amy - posted on 08/20/2011

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Cheyenne, I feel for you, but you must do what you have to. Maybe you should think about finding a job and getting childcare assistance. Or go to school to better and further yourself. I know it's hard, but maybe if you show your BF's parents you are trying they will come around, after all, those are their grandkids. They may not like you all, but will love the babies.
Good luck!!

Cheyenne - posted on 08/20/2011

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im kinda in the same boat. but im a stay at home mom while my boyfriend works. my son is also 18 months old and he also wasnt planned. we wanted another one but not until after our son was 2. we live my BF parents and our son sleeps in our room. we dont have the money for our own place so it will be the four of us in one room. this baby wasnt planned either. we hasnt had sex for awhile cause we were working on our relatinship also but one time and boom i was pregnant. i know it wont be easy but my BF parents are over it and will try to help out as much fiancally as possible although we have been doing ok buying for our son so far. my son and my daughter will be 23 months apart

Amy - posted on 08/20/2011

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First of all Congratulations!! You are a new mom and a new graduate!!
Now, if your husband was so adamant about not having any more children, then tell him don't have anymore sex. He needs to know that he has another child on the way, that way he has options too, stay or go. You, on the other hand, must decide what is best for YOU!! I was a single parent with 3 children for 9 years; was it hard, yes, but anything worth it is hard. Those children will be fine and so will you. Still look for a job and you should have time built up, or at least there long enough for them to hold your job while you give birth. And there are financial ways to get help from the government..yes, it's called welfare, but you can work and get assistance for the time you need it.

User - posted on 08/20/2011

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what do YOU want? you are very influenced by other people. this is your decision. you are the only one you have to please.

Suzie - posted on 08/20/2011

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An abortion is an option, but only if you want one. The choice whether or not to have a child should not be made based on what other people will think. It is not a decision to be made lightly and you are the one who has to deal with the repercussions, no one else. It is your body and your baby. I mean no disrespect to the man in your life, but losing a child, whether willingly or an act of mother nature is harder on the woman involved. I would personally make up my mind on how I felt about the baby before I told him. Set yourself a deadline. Give yourself a few days and then take him out to dinner and tell him. No matter what you have decided, be respectful of his feelings and thoughts. You did not go out of your way to get pregnant and it is a surprise. Make sure he also knows this.

Whatever you decided, good luck and best wishes.

Suzie - posted on 08/20/2011

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An abortion is an option, but only if you want one. The choice whether or not to have a child should not be made based on what other people will think. It is not a decision to be made lightly and you are the one who has to deal with the repercussions, no one else. It is your body and your baby. I mean no disrespect to the man in your life, but losing a child, whether willingly or an act of mother nature is harder on the woman involved. I would personally make up my mind on how I felt about the baby before I told him. Set yourself a deadline. Give yourself a few days and then take him out to dinner and tell him. No matter what you have decided, be respectful of his feelings and thoughts. You did not go out of your way to get pregnant and it is a surprise. Make sure he also knows this.

Whatever you decided, good luck and best wishes.

Desiree - posted on 08/20/2011

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I feel for you in this situation! I agree with what others have said, the fact that you are not 100% okay with the idea of abortion is your answer right there. Ultimately that is your choice and no one else can make it for you, its a choice that you will have to live with so make sure you take everything into consideration. It takes two people to make a baby, so I would say you need to tell your husband. Whether you tell anyone else doesn't matter but this is between the two of you right now.
I also agree with what others have said, your son is 18 mo old they are all handfuls at that age and it gets worse before it gets better. If your family is not supportive then you need to find support elsewhere. You mentioned your friend was trying to have children, maybe you can work out childcare with her? There is state assistance that helps with childcare as well, and lots of programs that you may qualify for, so ask around.
I wish you luck, but my advice is to tell your husband, the longer you keep the baby a secret the harder it will be.

[deleted account]

I don't have a lot to add but I would beg you to consider adoption over abortion. We have one son we adopted and are looking to add a second to our family. Many families are waiting and can help offer limited financial support. I got the feeling you were not ready to parent based on your first post but I felt you wavering in your second. I in no way want to adopt from someone who wants to parent and if you do want to then you should regardless of anyone elses opinions. I;m just saying if you don't want to there are lots of people who do.

Reem - posted on 08/20/2011

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Hi, so he doesn't want another child? ?I'm sure he knew the consequences if u weren't on birth control and if he didn't use a condom. U have to be the bigger nd mature person. Keep your baby and don't worry about what family and friends think or say . You will be fine BTW congratulations

Sarah - posted on 08/20/2011

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You already know from experience that an unplanned pregnancy is a blessing (look at your son!) It can be hard to realize, especially when you are young, that other people say judgemental things (i.e. "you're not going to have another one are you?") but you are the one who has to make decisions for yourself and your family. If your husband loves you, he will recognize that this child is also a product of your love, and as such, will find his or her place in your family as well. If this child were already born, you would put their needs above the opinions and judgement of your family without a second thought. You can do that now too. For what its worth, I think my boys have only benfitted from the births of their brothers. They need one another to learn how to love and respect and share.

Also, your son is "a handful" because hes an 18 month old boy. They're all a handful! Keep up the good work, you managed to get your degree with a baby at home, you can do this too!

I am a hospice nurse, and I sit with dying people all the time. I have heard many people talk about their regrets. While I have heard people who said they wish theyd had more children, or spent more time with the ones they had, I have never, ever, not even once, heard anyone say they regretted having a child.

I will pray for you at this difficult time, I know you will find the strength to get through this!

Beth - posted on 08/20/2011

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If God has created this life, do not destroy it. Things may seem dark right now, but seek wisdom from the creator.

Katherine - posted on 08/20/2011

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I would think abortion isn't an option. I would keep the baby. It takes two to tango!
Don't let others influence you and do something you'll regret.

Your husband can handle it and he has to, it's his child too. It's never a good time financially to have a baby, trust me. People always say before they want kids they want to be financially stable but it doesn't always work that way. In fact it almost never does.

I wish you luck and please keep the baby :)

[deleted account]

I could never, under any circumstances, consider an abortion. I don't have any constructive advice on how to handle the situation though, so I'll just wish you all the luck in the world! ;)

Alia - posted on 08/19/2011

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Thanks Tyrae. I guess I'm mostly afraid of telling them because I think they'll try to convince me to have an abortion. My parents love me but my son is a bit of a handful and just the other day my father mentioned "at least he's the only one" and asked "you're not planning on having any more are you?" to which I could only reply "I'm not PLANNING on it" because it really wasn't planned. There have been several times that I've wanted to say something but I'm too nervous because I know they'll say that we don't need another kid, we aren't in the best financial situation, why weren't we more careful, etc... I guess the thing is I know what I would do. I would have it, but I know that they would all think it wasn't a good idea. I suppose they wouldn't force me or try to "force" me to have an abortion but the disappointment followed by all the reasons why it's not a good idea... I don't know. I just hate disappointing them. On the other hand I know my best friend would be happy and would try to keep me from giving it up. (She and her husband have been trying to have kids but haven't been able to yet.) And my husband wasn't happy about the first "surprise" and has constantly stated that "one is enough" and "no more kids".

I suppose another issue for me is that I was really hoping for a girl with my first pregnancy. I was very disappoint, at the time, to find out I was going to have a boy because I hadn't been planning on having kids and since I was I figured I'd probably only have the one. But I wouldn't trade my son for anything (of course) but I almost feel like what if this time I have the girl I wanted? And I see how lonely my son is and I think maybe it would be nice to have a sibling. This is all since I found out I was pregnant. All of these thoughts have made it very hard for me to make a decision and because I can't come to a solid decision I'm even more worried about bringing it up to people that I know will be on one side or the other about it. My husband and family on the "no" side and my best friend and cousin on the "yes" side. It really makes it hard. Not to mention my husband is one of two brothers and since the sperm decides the sex of the baby I have a feeling I may have another boy. That was one of the reasons I wasn't considering having another child (or at least for a while). Then it just happened. I'm about 8 wks so far. Very early. But I'm just hopelessly confused.

Thank you for your advice and thank you for not berating or judging me. I'll try and figure something out soon. I can't hide it forever.

Tyrae - posted on 08/19/2011

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Well first of all, if HE was so adamant about not having any more children he should have gotten himself snipped. He does need to know about the new baby on the way though. It's not like you intentionally went and got yourself pregnant by the sounds of it, so he truly can't be mad at you, it takes two to make a baby.

Once he knows then you guys can have a good conversation about it, but don't go out and get an abortion just because he doesn't want you to have the child. You will be the one who will have to live with it for the rest of your life, for some reason most men just don't understand that they are going to be fathers until they see the baby in their arms and hear them cry. It won't affect him as much as it will affect you.

It doesn't matter what your family or your friends think about you having or not having another baby. If you don't want to tell them till after you make a decision whether you are going to keep the baby or not, then that is fine. But don't not tell them for fear of them thinking you having another child is wrong. I know, my father is this way, told me having another child would be stupid, but it's not up to him, it would be up to me on how many children I have and when I want to have them.

If you have never had a miscarriage I will let you know that losing a child is one of the hardest things a mother can go through. I had 2 miscarriages before my daughter, and just last month had another. It's a horrible feeling, and I'm sure having an abortion would cause the same feelings to some extent. A friend of mine had an abortion a couple of years ago, and she was depressed for months afterwards, wondering what it would have been like to keep the baby, and what life would be like now if she had kept it. I'm not trying to tell you not to get an abortion, I just want you to know all the sides to it. That it doesn't just happen and then all your feelings go away. I hope you can figure out what you are going to do, and I hope that your boyfriend doesn't react in an immature way. Good luck.

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