what to do with a preteen girl that is disrespectful

[deleted account] ( 10 moms have responded )

My daughter is 11 and lately has been very disrespectful to me and everyone else in the house. I ask her to do a simple chore and you thought I asked her to clean the whole house from top to bottom. Screaming in my face and trying to run away and anytime you aske her a simople question she is screaming and threwing a tantrum. How do I talk to her without her screaming in my face.

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User - posted on 10/18/2014

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My daughter has turned 11. And I have the same problems as everyone else here!

I'm disgusted with her behavior, she says no when I ask her to do something (which is normally tidy up room that has week old dirty laundry etc on floor, so certainly not unreasonable request) and I don't demand she does it on the spot I give her a time line e.g sometime in the day, giving her choice on when she does it. I have also been more lenient in asking her to do these tasks and allowing her space and giving her the opportunity to do it herself with out being asked., She is gets in moods (particularly in the morning) and everything I say she has a smart or sarcastic comment after it. She is super nice and sweet when she wants something but turns nasty and rude once she gets it!
I try patience using a nice tone but eventually I lose it LOL... which I'm sure some parents would say "oh no you can't lose it". But lets be honest here, I'm human and we all have flaws, I also let her know that enough is enough I have a limit and that is not how we treat each other.
. I'll also be honest and say I don't like her sometimes. It doesn't mean I don't love her but I do dislike her some-days! Come on admit it, its natural to feel like that. Like I said it does not define if we love our kids or not but no one likes someone when they behave so badly towards you!
I don't remember acting like that as a teenager or acting like that towards adults, I don't necessarily agree with old school parenting (children seen but not heard) but I don't agree with the current parenting because our kids are selfish. Its all about them and them! We have become a materialistic world with our kids having everything and appreciating nothing.

Anyway back to basics for me I think. If you act badly you will loose something e.g Ipad. Give and take is also what I'm teaching. I've explained to her that we do nice things for each other because we love each other and we treat each other well. If we appreciate what we do for each other then that person is happy to do stuff for you. If you are unkind and nasty then those things will stop e.g, friends over, taking to movies etc.. Because that's how the real world works, If you scream at your boss you lose your job, if you scream at your friend you'll probably loose your friendship. And if someone does something for you and you have absolutely no appreciation or gratitude it will be unlikely they will do it again. In other words you want to be get what you give.

Shanaia - posted on 01/13/2015

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you kNOW I AM 11 THE SCREAMING AND SHOUTING IS NOT OKAY EVEN THE THROWING IS NOT MY MOM CONSTANTLY PESTERS ME TO DO STUFF I JUST HAD TO GIVE MY DOG AWAY ABOUT6 MONTHS AGO AND IT HARD AND IT HURTS I CRY EVERYDAY ALOT AND SOMETIMES MY IMOTIONS OVER FLOW ITS JUST THAT GIVE YOUR KIDS A LITTLE TIME TO THEM SELVES LET THEM BE FREE LIKE I KNOW MY MOM LOVES ME AT THE END OF THE DAY BUT THE DEVICE TAKING AWAY WORKS BUT IF YOU WANT TO HELP YOUR CHILD TALK IN A CALM RELAXED VOICE BECAUSE YELLING DOESNT WORK IT JUST MAKES ME FUSTRATED.

American - posted on 10/19/2014

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It could be the onset of her cycle. she is getting close to that age. I talked to my daughter and explained to her that hormones cause mood swings and when she starts to feel that way she is to take her attitude to her room till it's gone. patience is not my strong point so she knows when to shut her mouth. if it is so bad that taking her things and grounding won't work then might I suggest a pat on her bum. I know spanking is frowned upon on this site but it works if done correctly. never spank when you are mad and always explain the reason for the spanking then after all is done a bit of love is needed. try to understand that she is feeling things inside and doesn't know how to handle these changes. of course we would never speak to our parents that way....ask yourself why.

Linda - posted on 02/19/2009

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The easy answer is wait until she is 22...this is the age when girls mature apparantley ! However I know just how hard it can be I have been accused of not being loving enough or being too loving....ie: just touching my daughter when she passs me....there is no easy anwer but I would suggest leaving her to her own devices for a while & start with small tasks that are really  easily achieved & don't seem like its a whole world of difference whether she completes them or not...be quiet ( not submissive) but your general tone should be measusred when requesting anything otherwise it will be a disaster...lastly I would suggest a three strikes & your out kind of mentality...but this has to be shared with other siblings...other than that be patient ....Your daughter' s hormones are playing havoc,they tend to do this personaly I have reached the other end & came downstairs the other day & just cried whilst making eggs for the family...no reason just big tears I guess it will be the same for her not in control of your feelings it's a tricky one allright. Just be your usual loving supportive self & she & you will come out the other side just fine xoxox

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Shanaia - posted on 01/13/2015

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hi I am a kid my mom does the same thing but it doesn't work throwing and screaming is not an exeption but try and give them time alone but sometimes the device taking away works.I am eleven

Ashley - posted on 02/19/2009

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well i dont have a preteen daughter just yet. Mine is only 2 weeks old, but i do have a sister that has a preteen daughter, and she is so disrespectful some times. What my sister does is, when she is disrespectful or doesnt do what she is told to do, then my sister takes away things that the preteen likes. An example is when she doesnt listen my sister says, no snacks tonight, or no reading when you go to sleep, because the preteen likes to do these things, she will think twice about causing a seen next time. I hope this will help you get in control of your preteen, i know it works with my sisters daughter.

Crystal - posted on 02/19/2009

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First things first. Does she have an MP3/ Ipod or cell phone?? If so, that is what I start with. I have 3 kids- 8,9,13. I start with taking the electronics away. Can't talk to me and be respectful, then you aren't mature enough to own these. If that doesn't work, I still take them away but then I add the silent treatment. When the screaming continues and running away.. let her go. When she comes back and wants something from you, a ride somewhere, a friend to come over, food! (lol) don't answer her. She will get mad again, probably yell again too and after about 10-15 minutes of this explain to her that since she can't talk to you properly you are not talking to her until she can. Then let her know all prevledges are gone until the respect is returned. If taking the electronics, the prevledges & silent treatment doesn't work my last resort is 8:00pm bedtime. My theory is you act like a baby, I treat you like one. I haven't used the 8pm on my 13 yr old as much lately, After the 3rd time he realized that there is another way to get his point across. My 9yr old (girl) is at a screaming/crying stage. She has had got to the 8pm a few more times then the boys.



This is what works for me and my family. I don't know if it is right or wrong, but its working. You may have to take these suggestions and find something that works with your family and situtation. When I had an 8yr watching his older brother yell at me- I needed to come up with something that I could use on all of them and the 8pm bedtime is something they can all do. (my 8-9 yr olds don't have electronics yet, so I take computer/video game time away intstead) Good luck with your situtation.. take a deep breath relax. Its hard, but you will get through this!

Beth - posted on 02/19/2009

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I guess no one knows how to handle this? I'm having the same problem with my 8 year old and my 5 year old is taking after her! The second they get home one of them starts the yelling, and my 8 almost 9 year old is even throwing things at me! I wouldn't have dreamed of treating my mom the way she treats me. I'd love to hear any advice offered!

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