What to do with a troubled 12-13 year old step daughter

Kristine A - posted on 08/24/2016 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I am not sure on what to do with my 13th year old daughter. She has been stealing, lying, manipulating everyone and going agents all rules we have set in our household. They are just you standard rules. She lives with us full time and her mom only want her when she needs her. When my SD goes to her moms and gets in trouble over there or with us, her mom just plays it off like no big deal and tries to be her friend so now my SD wants to live over there. The thing is that when my husband, BM and Step dad had a meeting a few months ago to discuss keeping things consistent for her BM said she did not want her daughter to be over there more than her time in which is two days out of the month. She then just recently changed it to having her daughter more and then threatens us if we had plans and she does not get her way. I can only imagen how stressful this can be for my SD since one minute her mom wants to spend time with her then the next she does not. When talking to my SD she always has something bad to say on what goes on at her mom’s but then I know she does the same when she talks to her mom. Its hard to believe anything that comes out of her mouth. My husband and I are running out of ideas on what to do. We have grounded her, token her phone and computer away. She is not allowed to watch TV until she is ungrounded and she still keeps doing the things she got ground for. She tells her friends how much she hates us and that we are not good people but we do anything and ever thing for her and I just wish she could see that and not pull the negative out of everything.

Any advice would be greatly appreciative.

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AbbiJoy - posted on 08/25/2016

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Hi there! This is always a tricky situation, but it doesn't have to be so bad. I have 2 step boys that live with their mom. We rarely ever agreed on anything with raising the kiddos, but the love that bonds us is far stronger. I've heard many times kids spell love TIME. With that I was wondering what types of things you guys do together to create those lasting bonds and memories. Also I know there are resources out there about blended families. Perhaps some might mention this very thing. To be honest I wish I knew more about them much sooner and I was able to soak in everything I could. There is a source called parenting today's teens you could look up as well. That too could bring some hope and encouragement. Let me know if you'd like any help finding any of the resources I mentioned I will gladly help you the best I can. Take care!

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AbbiJoy - posted on 08/26/2016

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You are so welcome! I'm pleased to hear my feedback was helpful. I think it's a great idea to work towards getting the friendship back that you once had with your DSD. I'm sure she has felt down and unloved when her BM wasn't responsive to her wanting to go over there all the time. knowing that she is loved unconditionally always will give her comfort. In regards to counseling I know it can be very helpful and it does have it's time and place, but I believe in being involved with a Christ centered church as well. It's like the glue that keeps everything all together. Learning who I truly am in Christ has been one of the most impacting to transforming things I've ever done in my whole entire life. Of course I am still learning a lot which is wonderful. It's a journey not a destination. I really hope you and your family find what works for you and you get to experience the love of our heavenly Father like I have. There's no turning back. :-) Stand strong, hold on, and never lose hope. Blessings to you Kristine!

Kristine A - posted on 08/26/2016

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Thank you very much for your feedback. In the past my SD and I would go to the movies together or as a family, we would have lunch dates once a month (when I had the money) and look online to see what things we could do as far as decorating around our new house. We would also go hiking and the pool in the summer time.
A lot of that changed when her mom had her third child. She wanted to go over there more and more and we tried but her mom did not want her over here for whatever reason we are not sure. We noticed that as long as it was her mom’s idea to go over there then my SD was allowed to see her new sister. My SD started to be more distant in which is understandable for her age but if it involved money like movies and shopping she would want to hang out. If we wanted to do things that did not cost anything then she would not want to be involved. She is very materialistic and feels that things should just be given to her and not earned.
I find it hard to do this since when we do buy her things she wants she is only nice for that day then is not the next when we ask her do anything. I am trying to find more ways to do things with her and I will look into what you have sent me. Her dad and I have discussed a few things on how to work with her. I plan on stepping out when it comes to discipline and rules and just be there to guide her and be a friend. I feel that we have lost our way of being friends like we use to. I know I cannot always be a friend and have to be a parent first but at least I hope we can build what we use to have.

Kristine A - posted on 08/24/2016

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She has had some in the past right before we got full custody and after that as well the issue we run into is she doesn't tell the truth and tries to manipulate who she is talking with. We plan on going to family consoling in a few months. I am hoping that will help for all of us.

Jodi - posted on 08/24/2016

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Has she had any counselling? It's pretty tough for a young girl whose mother doesn't really want her around......this would create some real issues for her that could need some psychological supports.

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