What to tell teenager about decision to severe a grandparent relationship?

Bonnie - posted on 10/30/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

5

0

0

My mother has been a major problem in our lives for years and years. There is a major incident every Six months, we are always at "fault" and we should always "apologize" to her. An incident two years ago, that also involved my brother, should have been the last straw. For my my brother it was and he no longer has anything to do with her. We however have her only two grandchildren (by blood). The latest incident involves our 13 yr old, who has failing grades, (an A-B student til this yr) and is grounded. My mother wants him at a garage sale, that for my kids is fun, and we have said he can't come. Naturally she asked why and we told her, he's failing, he's grounded. She proceeds to ask well haven't I talked to his teachers, consoler, why is this happening, etc like I am stupid, or like if I had an answer why, then he wouldn't be failing. My husband is right by my side and explains to her futher. The kid refuses to do the homework. She proceeds to tell us we are punishing HER! And then walks away from us in our home in the middle of the conversation. This is just a sampling of what has gone on for years, she is manipulative, pushy, selfish and if she can't have her own way we are made to pay for it every time. We have decided that the relationship must be severed. We will wait for the New Year. Until then I need advice on how to handle mainly my teenager(the absolute apple of her eye), when he becomes aware that he will no longer have contact with his grandmother. My younger son (11) is well aware that he is NOT the apple of her eye and I think we may have an easier time with him. Yes she plays favorites. My husband & I are aware that we're in for a bad time of it with our teenager as if we aren't having enough problems with the fact that he has decided school is stupid and pointless! But my mother is a poison I need to get out of thier lifes.

4 Comments

View replies by

Jodi - posted on 10/30/2012

3,562

36

3907

You just learn to say no. I still think cutting her off altogether is extreme.

Bonnie - posted on 10/30/2012

1

0

0

No, this is only ONE incident in 13 years of her pushing. As I said things must go her way or it's us being offensive to her. Honestly what does it say when she wants every holiday, I mean every one of them, without regaurd to your husbands family. She doesn't believe in having a Birthday celebration on any other day than the Day. She insists upon it and this is the first time ever she has not been here on the Day, as this took place the day of my younger son's birthday party, only one day after his actual Brithday. You can be sure that she would not have agreed to the same for my eldest child. Dictating and managing boundaries does not work. She has not spoken to us since the day this happened and has little reguard toward our younger child whom we said could be there. At this point I am sure if she can't have both, then she'll not have just one. And the shame of it is my younger son is not clueless, he knows in her eyes his older brother can do no wrong. It's rediculous! I am very much aware that it will likely make things worse with my older child, for a while. But it is a risk we are willing to take. This is not a snap decision, over this incident. It has been building toward this for the past two years and we Have looked into what rights grandparents have in our state.

Jodi - posted on 10/30/2012

3,562

36

3907

Sorry, but this is why you want to cut off ties? I actually think cutting her off altogether over the things you describe is a bit too drastic. Sure, dictate and manage boundaries, but I think if you cut off ties entirely, you are possibly asking for more trouble with your 13 year old.

Rachel - posted on 10/30/2012

64

0

28

We had to remove my mother's bio mother from our lives for similar reasons (but in relation to myself and my sisters). It was not a pleasant experience, but the drop off in drama was incredibly pleasant. My 17-year-old sister is still in contact with this grandmother - she supports my sister's right to do drugs while pregnant/fail school. She is awful. I will not let her poison my daughter's life. HOWEVER, in many states grandparents can fight for visitation. More and more states are recognizing grandparent's rights. Be aware of that. With your son being a teen you will have to closely monitor his social media (text, email, Facebook, etc.). It doesn't matter how technologically inept your mother may seem - my 94-year-old great grandmother just started using facebook! They will figure it out.

It is an incredibly hard situation to navigate when your children are in that "difficult" stage of preteen and teenage years (vs. childhood when they forget why they were upset). Teenagers will argue till YOU run out of comebacks. It may come down to this little tidbit: YOU are the parent. Your word is law. I know a lot of people say this is wrong, but sometimes that is all you can do. If you continue to argue with him, he will become more and more belligerent and see himself as "gaining ground" with your exasperation.

I hope this helps!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms