What would you do? (He claims he wants to be a father now.)

[deleted account] ( 39 moms have responded )

So I had a conversation with the father of my youngest and one on the way. He text me claiming that he really wants to be there for the kids and doesn't want to walk away from them but its hard to do that with child support and it's killing and just another way to try and send him back to prison. He asked me if we could work something out where he prove himself and be in the kids life and I don't have to close it right away but just let him prove he can be a father without the courts coercion.



I told him child support IS part of being a father, it is not about punishment. It is only a means for you to financially provide via the courts instruction since you don't wish to do so willingly. I told him talk about hurt...hurt is when you have a desire to do for you but you know ever last single extra dime must and willingly will go to your child(ren), hurt is wanting to give them even more than your last and scraping two pennies together to make the most of it. You ride around taking care of no one but yourself and you want to talk to me about hurt, puh-lease. He told me I had a point but I know he's just being nice because he wants me to give him a chance.



I told him that I needed some time (which used to be his famous line whenever Id ask him when was he going to step up and be a father) to think about things. I told him Im not going to close support at the drop of a hat because the support you claim is hurting you I dont see how when you haven't paid a penny of it yet! He said he wants to sit down and we talk things out but to be honest I feel like it's all in the name of him trying to manipulate me to close it (which I WILL NOT be doing in any case) on the other hand if he's reaching out and trying as much as I can't stand his a**, I feel like I owe it to the kids to let him try.



I honestly feel like he's just trying to manipulate me and I should just ignore his so called plea but I want to do the right thing by the kids. Let me also mention that while he was making this so called heartfelt plea he didn't one time ask me how our child is or how the pregnancy has been going or offer or ask if they need anything. Hmmm. Well...what do you all recommend?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/26/2012

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Giving him a shot at being a dad has NOTHING to do with his obligation to pay child support. He is manipulating you, and he knows where it hurts....which is placing the children right in the line of fire.

It is HIS choice if he wants to go to prison. If he pays, he does not go. Simple as that. It is not your problem. Just remember, there is a reason you divorced this man, and now he is using you.

Your children deserve financial support. He deserves visitation. One does not constitute the other. There is no reason for you to have a sit down concerning his child support, but if he wants to work out a visitation schedule, that is fine. It should not be a conversation about his whoas and how he should not have to pay. They are his financial burden (I use burden because that is how he is making it out) so he needs to man up and pay. He also needs to man up and see his children and not blame you for his absence. That is HIS choice. So is not paying. I would not meet with him without having a friend or someone else there to support you, even your lawyer.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/26/2012

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He can be a father all he wants. I would NOT suspend the child support. Especially if he is not even paying. Give him a chance to be a father sure, but that does not mean he stops child support. That disgusts me.

Dove - posted on 06/28/2012

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Deborah, HOW the hell is that helpful?! The kids are HERE, so regardless of how they should or should not have gotten here.... Your 'advice' is nothing, but pointless and cruel. Shame on you!!

Louveda - posted on 06/27/2012

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I keep a journal on penzu. That way I have a record of everything. I also keep every single email. Text messages I forward to my email. It's crazy to have to go to this extreme but its a level of legal protection that my ex has forced me to require for myself.

[deleted account]

@Deborah, I am not the type of individual to lash out at someone on an online forum geared towards providing support to people so I will not lash back out at you but your post was indeed insensitive. Do you think I haven't beat myself up enough for putting my kids and myself in this position. Do you not think I have not taken my licks for my faults in this, and I do it so I can move on and learn to be the best parent I can be with what the situation is right now.If I walk around self loathing and self pitying that does not help anything at this point in time. While I appreciate your opinion I have to disregard your entire post as either helpful or encouraging because the things you have said I have already been down that road and I did the best thing I possibly could, I forgave myself.

Another update, he has tried to call today and did text three times but I have an app on my phone where he is blocked for now until I figure out what my next move is or next move shouldn't be. I can see if he texts or calls but the calls wont go through and the texts come up blank with the time. I dont know what he wanted but I can guess, just another shot to manipulate me or just to say something evil.

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39 Comments

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Pamela - posted on 06/28/2012

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Get a third objective party involved....NOT a relative...a social worker, minister, counselor....someone who knows how to handle mediation. There are these kinds of services available through your state, city or county government agencies. If we have these services available on this island.....you have them available in your state. Contact the same agency that you have used to file the claim in court. They will know where to find such a service in your area.

However, it is most important to understand that any agreement made between the two of you should include a legally signed and notarized document that would stand up in a court of law should he choose to default.

Something I would caution you against is "doing it for the kids". Sacrificing your happiness and well being for the "sake of the children" is an ill advised plan that will simply end up causing you pain and misery which will affect everyone adversely, including the children. If there is no real LOVE between you, best to just settle on the monetary support and court appointed visitation rights.

Whatever you do, offer the problem into the hands of the Divine Creator, by whatever name you address this being. Ask for personal guidance to be shown to you CLEARLY that you may make the highest and best decision for all concerned, you, the children and their father!

Stephanie - posted on 06/28/2012

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I hope this doesn't sound mean, but I don't understand your post. Your boyfriend I take it doesn't want to pay child support because it hurts him? Why is that even a question for you? I can't understand why you are not putting the kids first. As parents we love to be with our children, but first above all we have to provide for them. The gumption that this guy would even discuss this with you tells me you don't value yourself nor the children you have. You posted he doesn't pay for his other child. What could you ever find attractive about someone that is like that let alone have two children by him. I do feel so sorry for your kids! No one is perfect, but quit blaming him. You knew what you were getting into, and you are still allowing it. Please, get help for yoursel so you have more self esteem to allow yourself to be valued and your children.

Michelle - posted on 06/28/2012

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Never cancel the court order cause if you do I believe he will be gone! My ex says he will give me money monthly but can't afford the court appointed amount which is b.s. To be honest he borrowed money from my parents when we were together and they have never seen that so how am I suppose to expect money monthly when he can't pay a loan back!

Elizabeth - posted on 06/28/2012

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Do not close the case. Once you do that it will be hard to get anything out of him. And if your getting any kind of government assistant you can't close it. It sounds like to me he is just trying to keep from paying anything and having to pay the consequence for not doing so. If he really wants to do what is right he should be calling child support recovery and working out something with them to help support his children. NOT calling you to close the case.

Michelle - posted on 06/28/2012

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This sounds like my ex! But still doesn't want to be there for our son or pay for him!

Deborah - posted on 06/28/2012

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I am so sorry for your children. I will say, however that you are probably more to blame for your situaton than this deadbeat idiot. YOU maade the decision to let this lowlife impregnate you TWICE. You seem to have little respect for yourself or you little ones.
You deliberately put yourself in the position of providing these poor babies with such a terrible future.
He doesn't want to go back to prison???? What in the name of GOD made you think he was good father material?
Let the courts ensure he pays his way. The likelihood of him EVER being a good father is very slim.
Them spend your life making up to your children for the mistakes you made.
All you moms may hate me, but we are the people who choose the fathers for our children. We should at least try to pick someone who MIGHT be up for the job.
The best relationships can go sour. This was doomed when he bought you the first cup of coffee

[deleted account]

Thank you so much ladies. Just going to see what happens from here which is probably not much of nothing but I will keep offering the visitation when he claims he wants it via third party, I wont deny it and I will keep record that I never told him no so it can't be used against me either in court or with our kids. He will be back after he thinks I've had time to "calm down" because in his mind he has done nothing wrong. He is entitled to things met on his terms because it is only his life that is messed up. He fails to realize that in the end he is still the loser, our daughter is special and the one on the way is too and he is the one missing out all on account of being a selfish jerk.

@Heidi, thank you for sharing your story. The job he has right now is working for family and his Dad runs the business and he is not going to turn in the garnishment papers they sent them two weeks ago and my ex already said his dad is just going to pay him cash and say he doesn't work there. I told my case worker this but if they do that there is nothing they can do about it but hope he gets a job where he gets a check on paper so that they can garnish and as for taxes hes already aware and doesn't plan on filing since he's paid cash only. So I doubt our kids will see a penny anytime soon.

Heidi - posted on 06/28/2012

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I have been through this in a way. My ex wanted me and him to work out the child support without the court involved. I said, the problem with that is that you wouldn't even give me $20 for groceries if it meant giving up your cigarrettes. He tried and tried to convince me. After 3 years of having a court based child support agreement he still hadn't paid a dime. I then found out that I could go to the child support office and fill out paperwork to "sick the dogs on him" so to speak. It took them garnishing his wages for him to get the clue. He of course jumped from job to job to try to get around it for a while. I drew his tax check for years until the 3 years that were still owed were paid. If it had not been for my actions, I would still not be receiving support nearly 8 years later. Now he's on disability and I get support through it. I'm telling you, don't drop the court child support agreement. As soon as you do he will be gone and you will never get the court agreement back. He can lie to them and say that he gave you $100 a week cash. The court document is the only think making him pay. Never drop the court agreement. If he doesn't pay then file the proper paperwork. I would prefer to see my ex in jail then to not have my children provided for. Do what's best for your children and don't allow yourself to be conned. Trust me, the second you drop the court agreement, he'll be gone! Good luck with the problem.

April - posted on 06/28/2012

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Jan, this happened to me and my first daughter as well. The hardest thing I ever had to do was allow him to see her any time (with some notice, and we didn't cancel any plans already made) he wanted.

By that point, I had stopped lying for him when he broke her heart and didn't show up ("Daddy had to work"), had switched to "Your dad said to tell you...". They have to come to that realization on their own sometimes (that dad or mom is a real putz) but WE CANNOT BE THE ONES TO "HELP" THEM SEE THAT.

There is SO much support out here for you, Jan. Stick around. Feel free to hunt me down on FB and message me if you'd like: April Kenney-Kauth, Lansing, MI

My thoughts are with you and your kids.

Louveda - posted on 06/28/2012

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Jan you are doing the right thing. Keep your chin up. Message me if you would like to talk to someone who has been through something similar. As Mom's we are all here to help & support each other. Good luck!

[deleted account]

I need to clarify after first saying thank you for all the replies given, I am NOT wishing to withhold visitation from the non custodial parent. I offered him third party visitation (my mom or sister involved so we wouldn't have to see each other) and he wanted instant closing of the child support case PRIOR to him doing anything. Basically he wants to play daddy but doesn't want to BE daddy. The minute I told him he can see his kids anytime with someone I know involved but I am not closing any case because child support PLUS visitation is being there and he's actually getting off cheaper with child support because it costs so much more to raise a child, the minute I told him all that he told me never mind, Im good. Not once during his plea did he ask how our current child thats here is or how the pregnancy is going. He doesn't care. Now if there is a time he takes me to court for visitation (which I doubt) then of course I will comply. How hypocritical is that if I want him to comply with support and me not comply with visitation. Point is he never wanted visitation he wants an out from child support, point blank period. Its situations like this because of SOME vindictive parents out there that make it hard on the ones like myself that are trying to do the right thing by the absent parent and we still end up looking bad because there are some out there that do use their children as tools in their games and I would never do that. Even after I told him Im not closing the case, he didn't ask how she was, for a picture, update on a ob visit nothing, he was just gone again. So no I am not out to be vindictive or withhold visitation from him in exchange for money, it doesn't work like that but clearly in his world the vice versa is how it should go.







Forgot to add for the ones asking he was jailed for multiple failure to appears regarding various offenses from traffic violations to possession and contempt of court for child support, also for probation violation when he got caught trying to distribute (sell) a large amount of drugs, hes currently on parole until 2015.

Tracie - posted on 06/27/2012

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Child support and visitation are two separate entities. As long as you feel your children would not be in any danger around him (what was he in jail for?) then you should let him see them, regardless if he pays child support. Stinks for you, for sure, but if the situations were reversed and he had physical custody and you were flat broke, would you want him to keep the kids away from you just because you had no money? Keep your children's well-being as your #1 priority and you will make the right decision. Good luck.

Kristin - posted on 06/27/2012

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Don't listen to his BS, girl. He's worried about going to jail for being a dead-beat, which is what he is! Even if you wanted to drop child-support, the state won't allow it. Make sure you take him to court for the baby as well. Remember, child support and visitation are seperate responsibilities. He's supposed to visit AND pay, not visit INSTEAD of paying. His selfish plan is so obvious, it reeks. He proved his true colors by blowing you off when he knew you weren't letting him off the hook. Just be glad you didn't fall for his sob story. He's probably out there, right now, working on knocking up some new girl. He is worthless and will never change. Don't hold your breath, just focus on your kids and leave the drama behind.

Dove - posted on 06/27/2012

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That's not how the law works, Holly, and that's not even what the op is doing anyway... She is OFFERING visitations, but 'dad' won't do them unless she cancels the child support case. She is entirely in the right though. If she were denying him visitations based on money, she would be in the wrong as well as him (for not paying OR visiting).

Holly - posted on 06/27/2012

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I say go with your gut. A snakes always a snake. You sound like you are 99.9% sure of his true intentions and don't believe a word of him. I think you are torn because you want to be able to say to your children that you tried everything to have him involved in their lives. Sounds like you already have. If he wants to be involved he can start PAYING that support and the back support! Once he's doing that then and ONLY then would I allow him. Otherwise he's just going to be a in and out father anyways and who needs that. That hurts more than if he was just gone. He'll be there when it fits his needs and not when he can get away with it. Don't start that cycle. Go with your gut and tell him to pay up and then and only then can he start visiting. PROVE he wants his children not just a deal to get out of child support.

User - posted on 06/27/2012

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My daughter is dealing with the same thing except she now has a six-week-old. Don't let him talk you into anything. He will not hold up his end of the bargain. My daughter also has a 2-year-old by the same guy. She has had a hard time getting anything from him for her. He tells her all the time he will buy diapers for her, he's going to come see her, etc, but does not. He does not acknowledge the baby at all. She is in the process of filing for child support because it's the only way she's going to get anything out of him. He told her recently that he wants to pay child support but 'can't afford it'. We'll see what the court has to say about that!

Tifany - posted on 06/27/2012

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I've been there done that and u already know the answer.... Absolutely not u need to worry about ur kids not him..... Keep the support and the court involved it helps whitne he say she say and court drama.... It's not about u or him it's what's best for the kids....

Deanna - posted on 06/27/2012

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sound familiar. this is way too common. I'm still married to mine for the simple fact he already told me he won't pay child support but still wants a chance to be their dad. Mine has had 4 years to be a dad, and he waited until I threatened to leave to do it. *hugs* I wish you the best!

Dove - posted on 06/27/2012

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OK... now that other response popped up after I posted.... Just keep doing what you are doing. If you keep it all in writing (like the texts) of you offering him visitation and him continuing to make it about money.... you are all good. Sucks for his kids that he doesn't want to be a man in any way, but that is not on you.

Dove - posted on 06/27/2012

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Do you have a court order for his visitations as well as support? If so, just stick to the order. If not, make sure you get a court order for visitation as well. Do not drop the support, but I wouldn't pursue any punishments at this point either. If you have a court order stating when he can see his kids and he DOESN'T do it... that is on him and the kids will know you were not trying to stand in his way.

[deleted account]

I'm almost certain Louveda that is what he is trying or tried to do because when I offered we set up a time he see her today with a third party (a family member of mine involved) he said ok but wanted to know if we were going to go drop the case before or after the playdate, when I advised Im not doing that at all he basically said c-ya and hasn't responded back. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Do you mind sharing some of your story with me? It can be via pm if you would prefer. If not, I understand. :)

Louveda - posted on 06/27/2012

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I hope his intentions are honorable but it sounds like he cannot be trusted. Your kids are the ones who suffer if he is in fact trying to postpone his financial responsibility. It really sounds like he is trying to guilt you & hold you responsible for the mess he put himself in. Maybe I'm jaded because that's what my ex did to me. :/

Lisa - posted on 06/27/2012

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DO NOT SUSPEND CHILD SUPPORT! If he truly means what he says, he will prove himself in any way he can. From what you have said, it sounds like he's just trying to get his "stay out of jail" card. So realy, dont fall for it.

[deleted account]

@Shawn, thank you for your understanding and to answer your question, no there is no visitation order in place, if their were it would already be supervised and Id have NO problem complying at all and I am being careful, even in the way I respond via text I make sure to remain courteous and damn near professional because I dont want to come off as vindictive. I think I may have heard the last of him since I wasn't willing to close the support on the first playdate with his daughter. Part of me keeps wanting to blame myself but I have tried over and over again and every single time he spends time with our child its been about him, for money from me, a ride from me, sex from me, and now to try and close support. If he does seek visitation then I will comply is all I can say at this point, but I doubt it because if the minute I told him Im not closing any case he said c-ya, then that's all it was about in the first place.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/27/2012

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I do understand the reservations about appropriate venue, definitely. And, I'm assuming that there is a support order in place, if you go through cps to file the motion.

So, is there a visitation order as well? Because, if so, and he pushes it (probably won't, but could), you could also be found in contempt, and fined, and possibly jailed for non compliance on visitation. Just make sure that your bases are covered!

[deleted account]

@Shawnn I get your point, I have stated before the goal is not to see him locked up and I have given him three years worth opportunity to be a father including taking her to a prison environment just to spend time with him when everyone else including myself had reservations about it, but it wasn't about me, it was about her. So my goal is not to "punish" him and the steps they take in regards to all that, due to our child being on medical insurance funded by the state I couldn't stop them if I wanted to, unless I closed it all together. To answer you question, no visitation is set up, they asked him when I initially filed in early court proceedings would he be seeking legal counsel in that regard his answer was no followed by a chuckle.



To update he text me early this morning telling me I had more time to think about it, wassup? I asked him well do you want to schedule a time you see her again and if you dont want me around then with my sister or mom there and for now only in a public place like the park or McDonalds. He said yeah thats cool but before we do all that are we going to go to the c.support office before or after that? I was like what do you mean? He said are we gonna go close the case before or after I come get her? I told him Im not closing any case but he's welcome to see his child. His response...nah, you good. And there you have it, classy right?

Kimberly - posted on 06/27/2012

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I've never been through this situation myself, but my husband has gone through it with his daughter from a previous relationship. If your baby daddy can't pay child support or doesn't want to, shame on him for becoming a Dad! No, its not just a violation of parole/probation for not paying that will send I'm to prison...its called CONTEMPT OF COURT! Whether her is on probation,parole or never been in trouble in his life he can get sent to jail for not paying! Don't worry though, because if that does happen, you will get GUARANTEED child support. The courts will send him to jail for contempt of court and while he is locked up you will get a certain amount (state based) of child support for each day he is there. For instance, in VT even if you are $1000 in arrears, you would be locked up and get $20 a day put towards what you owe...so in the end you will get your money for the child/children! Yes the children deserve a father, but they also deserve to be financially supported! Definitely do not suspend the court order, let him continue to see the child and also pay support, but when it reaches the point where he makes no effort to pay...take that step and guarantee your children that money! At that point, its no longer about him or you, its about his obligations, end of story!!!

[deleted account]

In Texas, a Judge will only throw him in jail if he gets $10k behind. I think your feelings are right on, do not suspend the support order, but DO give him a chance with the kids. Like everyone else here said, it is his responsibility to help support his children, whether he chooses to step up and be a father or not. Be strong girl, you got this.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/27/2012

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Jan, you do realize that if you go through the sheriff, rather than child services, and he does end up locked up again, you're working against yourself for support, right? Why not (if a court order is in place), request garnishment of checks and any tax returns? Because, yes if you send it to the sheriff, knowing that possible punishment is lockup, you are, technically, placing a barrier to him seeing the children.

Is the support/visitation set up through the courts?

Ashley - posted on 06/27/2012

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Definitely don't get rid of Child Support. IF he really wants to step it up he will. I'd say give him a chance for the sake of your children. Set up days (supervised) for him to hang out with the kids. Give him three strikes. If he misses three days with the kids. It's not worth it. Your kids need stability, Not flakiness. I gave my daughter's biological father a chance to be in her life and he blew her off and treated her like a toy. He wanted her when he wanted her. Not when it was convenient for me or my daughter.If he didn't get his way right then and there he'd just blow it off altogether then blame me and say I was keeping her from him (which of course wasn't the case. I'm not going to drop a doctor appointment or previous engagement just for him). If he REALLY wants to be involved. He will be. Anyone can be a sperm donor but it takes a real man to step in and be a dad.

[deleted account]

@♥LittleMiss...that is what I plan to do just sit back and if HE makes any moves to want to see our baby or take part in the pregnancy I will let him and document it somehow through diary or pictures all for our kids to see when they are older so they know I never held him away from them, anytime he wanted to see them in a safe public place I allowed him access. I will not bash him but they will piece the rest on their own when he isn't (if he isn't) consistent. But I will not bring up the support and if he does then I will call him out on his "good" intentions and stop it then and there. I will not allow him to use my children as pieces in his sick games.



@Shawnn, there is a thing in my state where once the arrears is at 5000, he is 1000 away from that now you can submit the case to the sheriffs ofc to have it recommended he be placed on probation at which the punishment for failure to comply is like felony probation, no it would not be part of his already standing parole but hed be on paper for yet something else entirely and threat of jail time on the probation, up to one full year. When he was in prison I kept offering to close the support then when we were supposed to get married (thank goodness I didn't do that) not as a prize but I wanted to trust him fully and completely, but he kept saying I'm not worried about it, leave it open, now he's telling me it's hurting and what is blocking the way of him being a full time father.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/26/2012

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A judge won't send him to jail for nonpayment of support, but they CAN take driving privileges, and tax returns, as well as having his payroll garnisheed for the amount each month.

However, (and you already are trying to address this) financial support does not a father make. And, if he's wanting to be involved, you need to let him. Don't stop pursuing support, but don't withhold visits with his children. Because, yes, they will discover down the road if you didn't, and then you are the automatic bad guy. Let the kids know their dad. Don't worry, the judge won't put him in prison, and if that's his worry, he needs to quit, get a job, and step up. But, seriously, I've never seen that non payment of child support = parole violation...so either way, whether he's "worried" because he thinks he can be imprisoned for non payment, or he's concerned that by not paying he's somehow in violation of a parole agreement...you'd have to be a pretty savvy judge to put that on a parole agreement...

[deleted account]

That's what actually has me feeling disrespected right now, you are complaining about something that you don't even pay. You want to talk about YOUR hurt when Ive been doing this on my own all this while, willingly and lovingly. He supports no one not even his other child with someone else, only when we the baby moms fall in line he PLAYS at being daddy but never does any real fatherly things like providing or being there when they are sick. But he's asking for a chance and I don't want the kids to be like well mom you never gave him a shot. I just don't know at all how to go about it. He told me to just "holla" at him when I'm ready to talk. I know for him that just means him trying to convince me to close the support and Im not doing that! Obviously if he's worried about it then they must be closing in, him being on parole doesn't help his case either, eventually he will have to keep up with payments or get arrested for nonpayment or suspended drivers license which would be a violation of his parole. Honestly I dont want to put him back in prison but if he does anything to cause that then its all on him. I honestly feel sick everytime I think of having a sitdown with him because hes all about manipulation. Selish, stingy bastard. Idk what to do.

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