What would you do if your baby's father was a drug dealer and addict?

Tammi - posted on 09/15/2012 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I am 26 years old and am 8 weeks pregnant with my first child. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict and did a lot of my using with the father of my unborn baby who is 23 (Before I got pregnant). I am now 6 months sober and my baby's daddy has repeatedly told me over and over that he is going to quit, and get clean. But he never does. When he found out I was pregnant he was really excited and is making all these plans for our family. He said he is going to get sober but won't quit dealing. He thinks selling drugs for money is the way to earn money for our family which I do not agree with but I have no way of controling him. Anyway I was living with him and his parents when they found out he was using PCP so they made me leave to protect me. With no other options on the table, my brother and his wife told me I could come stay with them. Across the COUNTRY. I just left Minnesota and came to Georgia. Now my baby's daddy is out doing his thing like he's relieved he doesnt have to put up with me. Yet he tries to make me feel guilty for running away to Georgia with his baby. He ignores my calls and texts, and when I am able to get ahold of him and am upset for obvious reasons he tells me to calm down and everything will be okay and that he will come to Georgia to be with me and our baby and clean up his act. The problem is he won't come until I get my own place. And he has never held a real job. I love him so much but Im scared that if he comes here he will just be free loading off me and I can't afford to support a baby and a baby's daddy. Everyone tells me he is no good for me, but I can't help but want to keep our family together. PLEASE HELP as I am utterly confused.

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Bobbie - posted on 09/16/2012

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@Firebird

Thank you for your clarification and I am sorry I misspelled your name.



My reason to follow up is to say that I believe she needs to make a clean brake from her habit of calling him and texting him. The way I view their relationship is codependent on each other.

Tammi ~ for you to get clean, be pregnant and still have to be forced to leave him by his parents tells me that you are willing to loose everything. That is not a healthy kind of love. I am sure you miss him. I don't say he mistreated you. I am saying that you are aware of all his faults and the very real risk of relapsing due to his lifestyle, if he comes into your life. To me that sounds like you have only traded addictions, you traded drugs for being addicted to loving and fixing him. That never works. According to the addiction specialist the further away you get from an addicted partner the better your chances are of staying clean. You are not healthy for him either and you don't offer him any assistance of getting clean when you give him chances. Even the chance to come live in your state opens you up for failure. Be honest. If he showed up at your door step with his big sad eyes and said "baby I have no where to go, I need you to come to a hotel with me" that you wouldn't go? Then that would be all the foothold he would need to work his way back into your life and put yourself back at square one.

However, if he knew you wouldn't even speak to him, see him or allow him in your life until he was clean and sober, then he would be forced to do it on his own. WITHOUT THE EMOTIONAL EXPENSE OF YOUR SUPPORT THAT JUST HAS TO STRESS YOU AND THE BABY EVERY DAY THAT YOU TALK TO HIM WHILE HE IS HIGH!

I have a friend stuck in this current cycle. She tells herself lies all the time about just how much he is doing better. Their child is 11 months old. Child protective services have just taken the baby away. Even though she doesn't use, her boyfriend was arrested in their home with drugs. They took the child because of the unsafe environment. Cocaine was found in lines on a mirror sitting on the edge of the bathtub. The baby was walking around with food boxes all broken into all over the floor. The baby had gotten into a food cabinet while she was at work and the boyfriend was suppose to be watching him.

It is a down hill spiral that you get stuck in too easily when there is this supposed case of real love in the equation. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that they should be loved regardless of how that love will destroy your life or the life of your baby together.

Bobbie - posted on 09/16/2012

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Wow sweetie, I am so sorry but you answered your own questions. All those fears you have are facts and you know it. Loving him isn't going to change him. You haven't even tried to break away from him even though you are no longer near. Why text and call him? Give yourself until the baby is born without calling him. Go cold turkey on loving him. Chances are he won't pursue you with calls if you stop calling him. Focus on your life and your baby.

As an outsider looking in it is easy for me to say dump him. But I know in your heart of hearts you realize already that he will only bring you down to his lifestyle if he comes.

Worst yet! Have you thought of the dangers he would subject you and the baby to! If he deals and has drugs in the house others will always want to get at them for free. Cops also arrest all adults who live on the premises if it a known drug house or used for distribution. My goodness, his own parents made you leave for your safety! You know what the right answer is. Be strong enough for your baby and know your own self worth to walk away.

CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING CLEAN!!!

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Firebird - posted on 09/16/2012

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I understand where you're coming from Bobbie, maybe I should explain a bit where I'm coming from. I used to live with addicts and dealers. I know one when I see one. And because of that experience, I always seem to know when someone is lying to me. I've seen them clean up and I have seen them fail. If Tammi knows this man as well as she should, if she's smart, she'll know if he's lying to her. It's so easy to find out if he's got a real job or not. I didn't say that she should give him "a few months" to get his act together, I said many months. Like a year. Because it'll be a lot harder to fool her for a year, than a mere few months.



There's another reason for what I said: It's not likely he'll agree to those terms. He won't come until she gets her own place. It will probably be something that's too hard for him to do. Which means he won't come. If he does move to Georgia, where he has nothing, there's a decent chance he might make a clean break. But I doubt he'd go by the terms I laid out. Which is exactly why I said them.



Tammi, you are the only one who knows if he's serious or not about going straight. Do not let "love" cloud your judgement. He has to want it. You know this. And frankly, it doesn't sound like he wants it.



Oh and Bobbie... it's Firebird. =)

Bobbie - posted on 09/16/2012

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@Freebird, The concept sounds good but drug addicts and dealers are some of the best liars in the world. He could easily convince her he has a real job and is clean when he isn't. He can move to where she is, play it off for a few months to get into her good graces and then return, hardcore to the drug lifestyle.

She can only control herself. There is no controlling another person much less one with an addictive personality

Firebird - posted on 09/15/2012

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No. No, that doesn't work. He can move to Georgia after he cleans up his act, then he can get a job and his *own* place. Then you won't have to worry about him freeloading off of you. After he's held down a real job for many months and managed to prove to you that he can be responsible, then you should consider moving in with him. If he isn't willing to do that, he is no good for you. Your baby deserves it's best shot in life. That doesn't always mean having both parents living together.

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