What would you do? Please read

Melissa - posted on 08/31/2016 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Hello . I am a 24 year old single mother of a 4 year old.

I live in Ontario and am generally unhappy with my living situation. I do not have trustworthy friends where I live and the city I live in is mostly welfare people and I am on disability myself for mental health issues like anxiety, adult ADHD, depression and more.

My child's father has been in and out of the picture the past 4 years. He generally puts me down and manipulates but we always try to forgive and forget so he can be in her life. It's been a cycle of things going well and him coming around, to us not talking because usually I am the one uncomfortable around him and I tell him what I don't like about him.

I feel I can be mean and irrational and should put some of my dislikes aside for the better of my daughter so she can have her father. I don't want to keep him away because I may be a bitter person.

He has hit me once in front of our daughter out of anger because I was sleeping with someone in my apartment while she was in her room sleeping. I was crying and said I wanted to kill myself but I put the knife down and he started hitting me and calling me names. So maybe it was validated what he did because I was also acting inappropriate in front of her too.

He hasn't hit me since. It took me almost a year to feel comfortable to let him try to see our daughter again. Now, every other weekend he takes a very long bus ride down to our city to see her for the weekend and suggests we should work on communicating (my depression makes me indecisive about whether I want him around or not which is hard on him) and living closer together.

He still makes some belittling comments to me and will only see her if it's at my home. It sounds positive that he wants to try working on communication and I have asked him to stop making sexual advances on me which seems to be a challenge for him, but he said he will try.

I am so confused about what to think of him. It's been a rough past especially with my mental illness - and I feel my mentality causes so much confusion about what I want but I should be thinking about my daughter having a father and I should suck up the past and work towards a future. He talks of wanting a family and I think my daughter needs a father.

But my daughter and I have an offer to go live in Saskatchewan with my mother. She wants to help me with my daughter and insists there is nothing left for me here. She lives in a very isolated part of Saskatchewan where driving is necessary. I would have to learn to drive and so would be giving up my current independence I have now, at least until I learn to drive.

Should I stay and take a chance with my daughters father or leave? I feel as if I am running away to my mommy and will forever regret taking my daughters father from her, especially with how hard it is for me to know what I even want and how uncertain I am of him. What if he is not a bad person but in my mind I am trying to push him away because I just want to escape these problems?

I am so conflicted and am having a hard time making the decision.

4 Comments

View replies by

Rommom6201 - posted on 09/01/2016

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Oh, my heart goes out to you! I know this cannot be an easy decision to make. I can tell that you care deeply about your daughter and want what is best for her, but it can be difficult to make these life decisions when you are struggling with so much mentally. I read an article recently that spoke about how mental illness can cloud your view of people and situations. It sounds like you are just yearning to have some clarity of thought so you can do what’s best for everyone in your family. Do you have a counselor that you see on a regular basis? If not, have you considered seeing a mental health counselor that can help you gain some clarity as you make this decision?

Sarah - posted on 09/01/2016

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I agree. You need to get some good support in your life. You are not in a good place mentally right now. The comment you made in your post:
"He has hit me once in front of our daughter out of anger because I was sleeping with someone in my apartment while she was in her room sleeping. I was crying and said I wanted to kill myself but I put the knife down and he started hitting me and calling me names. So maybe it was validated what he did because I was also acting inappropriate in front of her too."
Shows that you need some help IMO. No matter what you did, no matter what you said, no matter whom you sleep with, it is not ok for him to hit you. It is also not ok for you to threaten to kill yourself and have a weapon in your hand in front of you child.
I don't know how far away you'd be moving to be with your mom. While having your mom help you and support you, moving is not the solution to your troubles. You still will need help with your mental health no matter where you live. Unless you have sole custody, you cannot just up and move without the father either agreeing to the move or a judge giving consent for you to relocate. I encourage you to talk to your mental health providers about this issue. You sound very sad and unstable right now, and you want your child to have a strong, healthy and confident mother. Best of luck!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/01/2016

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Everything Dove said, and are you currently undergoing mental health care? If you are not, you really need to see someone. Neither of you sound very stable, and this is not a good environment to raise a child.
You cannot just up and move without your ex's consent. Legally, you must go through the court system and have his permission to move. He has rights as a father.

Dove - posted on 08/31/2016

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You should have a court order detailing custody, visitation, and child support... and you should stick to the details of the court order. He absolutely had no right to hit you and you should have pressed charges against him for doing so. You also need to be in therapy for your mental health disorders if you are not currently doing that. You both sound a little bit unstable and that isn't good for your daughter at all.

She absolutely has a right to a relationship w/ her father, but you also have a right to be safe and secure and not have to deal w/ him in any manner except what directly impacts your child.

I can not advise on whether or not you should move in w/ your mother. I would recommend you seek counseling prior to making this decision.

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