What would you make of this? (exes behavior towards child)

Lanie - posted on 10/18/2012 ( 11 moms have responded )

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My ex whom i split up with a year ago (whom is not bio dad., but stepped up to being my daughters dad years ago)has been doing the things listed below...

She is 10 yrs old



1. Buys her anything she wants , even if her behavior has been horrible (ADD/ ODD child) ..i have tried talking to him about this numerous times, .and he comes up with excuses as to why he does this even after agreeing to stop.



2. 20 questions here about my personal life and whom i am dating, even asks the man's address...



3. Talks to her and tells her that he will NEVER tell me what she has said, even if it has to do with her welfare or her feelings about her home life with me. (ex : she feels that she hasn't spent a whole lot of time with me, but is afraid to talk to me about it) But then gets mad at me, when he mentions that she has said some stuff but refuses to tell me what she has said.



4. He has to move , so he has even talked to my landlord about getting an apartment in my building , to be 'closer to us'.



5. He has been sending me pics and video's of the BOTH of them, that he takes on his weekends with her.



6. Tells her things like ' we can't be a family because your mommy wont let us ' , ~ he left me after i lost a pregnancy, and told me he didnt think he loved me anymore so i chose to move on.



7. Asks her questions like ' what was up with your mom not letting me stay last night to tuck you in ' (i had company , and he knew this). and many more questions like this.



8. Texting her cell phone , and saying " if you feel up to it ...be good for mommy dearest" ( this one he knows gets to me , because i was abused as a child ...he has called me this before to my face and i explained to him why i didn't like the name and that i found it insulting).



9. when he has been here , and we have gotten into arguments and i ask him to leave , he yells ..." (daughters name) your mother is kicking me out again princess , so ask her why im not here!'



There is much more , but that pretty much sums it up ...

Just wanted to get everyone's opinions...

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Holly - posted on 10/18/2012

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how long has he been in her life? I know that it would be hard to remove him from her life, esp since she probably views him as her father figure. don't allow this man into your home, do not go into his. let him know that if he continues to hurt your child (because it is hurtful to her) that he will no longer be allowed to see her that you will get a restraining order to keep him away from your and your daughter.

Dove - posted on 10/18/2012

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If he's not her father, he doesn't have rights. If it is in her best interest to maintain a relationship with him then I would demand he only has supervised visits (with a trusted third party as the supervisor). I would block his number from contacting her cell phone and eliminate any and ALL unsupervised access. If that doesn't help... I'd block all access entirely. If he wants access... he needs to knock off the emotional abuse and manipulation. Your daughter will be better off in the long run to get away from this man... unless he gets counseling and changes.

Judy - posted on 10/18/2012

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Get a restraining order against him for all of you. It almost sounds close to stalking!!

Dove - posted on 10/18/2012

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Stay strong and do what is best for your daughter!! Generally speaking kids do better with a father in their lives, but it is BETTER that they have other positive male influences (like a grandpa, uncle, male family friend) than an emotionally manipulating and abusive 'father figure'.

Holly - posted on 10/18/2012

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lanie, THAT is what is important... I had a feeling that you REALLY felt bad about trying to get him out of her life... and if he was a healthy influence, he would be welcome... but he is REALLY playing with her mentally and emotionally... and that is just unhealthy.

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Lanie - posted on 10/18/2012

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Ladies , thank you so much for all of your support ....i have only been on this site for a day , but i love it already!



Let me tell you...for the past year i have been having a lot of problems with my daughter , i knew that part of it was because of the separation ...and her ADD , anxiety and her newly diagnosed ODD.

But it was more than that ...like i said in my post ...i knew he was doing something , because she was just pulling away from me so much more than she ever has before ...she was waking up in such a bad mood , she was always giving me attitude ...all the signs were there.



I explain things to my daughter ...i dont believe in making changes that affect her life , without at least talking to her about my decisions and explaining them..



Today ..... omg , today was amazing ....we woke up this morning and she just opened her eyes , smiled at me ..and started joking around , there was no fighting ..she did was she was asked ...she left with a smile...



This afternoon / evening ....was even more amazing ...no attitude , a ton of love ...we were able to do things together , she WANTED to do things with me ...we even sat here and played Littlest Pet Shop's together lol ...



By the end of the night , i couldn't help but hug her ..and tell her that i have missed her sooo much ....and you know what , she didn't even have to ask what i meant by that ...she knew exactly what i was talking about , and she told me that she missed me too.



Damnit ...im crying just writing this.



I know that i made the right decision ....it may be a small victory , but damnit it is a victory that makes me smile from ear to ear!

Lanie - posted on 10/18/2012

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Judy , i agree...sometime's it does seem like that.

I had a date in august , i didn't tell him about because well ...it was none of his business lol.

In the middle of september , we were talking about a few things and he mentioned my 'date' and how he got a phone call from someone , asking what was up with me and him because they had seen me 'all over some other guy' (which i wasnt lol, im quite respectable of myself lol)....he wouldn't tell me who it was , all he would say is that it was a co worker ..problem with that though , is that i never met his co workers enough time's that they would notice me in what i was wearing or how i looked...im usually pretty laid back, hair in pony tail, jeans ..t-shirt kind of gal, that night i looked completely different ...so i wasn't too sure how to take it ..it was kind of creepy.

Lanie - posted on 10/18/2012

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I do feel bad about it , her bio father hasn't had anything to do with her since she was 4 yrs old ....so i feel bad by telling my ex to stay away.

But what else am i supposed to do ya know ? This is not normal behavior by any means :(

Lanie - posted on 10/18/2012

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Holly ,

He has been in her life since she was 16 months old.

It is funny that you said that , and i think i feel comfortable enough to actually put in this post that i have done exactly what you and dove have said.

I have already told him to stay away from us.

the 'mother dearest' comment , was my last straw ...he sent that to her yesterday morning.



I told him that he had just given me proof that he is playing mind games and trying to manipulate and i wasn't going to do it anymore , i told him that he had a chance and he blew it , and his friends can't save him from this one.



I did tell him that if he tried to make any contact , i would get a restraining order put on him.



I didn't put this all in my original post because i didn't want to be judged for any harsh decisions , i wanted to see what other's thought first .



Her behavior has been really good just in the last 24 hrs , yes it is a small victory ..and i am prepared for her to become mad, upset and lash out on me ...but i am trying to do what is best for her in the long run.

Lanie - posted on 10/18/2012

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Oh ,i will also add that about a month and a half ago - 2 months ...i did stop visits for about a week , his friend got in contact with me , and asked if i was seriously going to continue with this , because it was not good for my daughter to go without a dad...i agreed to sit down with the ex , his friend , myself and a friend of mine to talk things out.

We met at a Tim Hortons , and things were discussed ...the ex was told by his friend that he needed to stop making little stabbing remarks , he needed to stop being worried so much about my personal life where it does not concern my daughter and that he really had no rights as a parent , and that he needed to watch what he was doing.

The things i have listed above , are what have happened before and continued to happen after that meeting..and a few new things.



Not to mention that he has this idea that i am getting people to go after him , when in reality i am not ...i did find out that his last relationship that ended 15 yrs ago , her boyfriend after him ..did in fact have to go after him in a physical way to get him to stop the phone calls and the vindictive behavior , so perhaps he is thinking that if one ex will do it ...so will i ?

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