when do you knoe when it's time to leave a marrieage?do you stay because it's best for the kids?

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Katt - posted on 10/12/2009

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I'm not in this position but If I were hands down I would talk with my partner and try as hard as I could to work things out because of the kids. I didn't know my father growing up and I strongly believe a child should have mom and dad in their lives 24/7. I see parents split up all the time and I don't mean to say this to be rude but I think it's selfish. It's worth a very good effort to make it work for those beautiful babies :) I know it sounds hard but don't be stubborn and be open minded to change if he's going to change to make it work, so do you!! Hope this helps :P

Lannette - posted on 10/12/2009

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First look at what YOU might have done wrong in the marriage. Then work on correcting your mistakes. I have found that if we focus on trying to change ourselves and not our spouses, they usually see the changes and they choose to do their part as well. Have you seen "Fireproof"? If not, run out and rent it and then get the book "Love Dare". I have personally seen it change a friends failing marriage!! I am not by any means suggesting you are the cause of your failing marriage, I just know that we can only change OUR behaviors and responses!! You were in love with him at one time, and I know you can be again. Please rent Fireproof, it is lifechanging!!! If there is abuse towards you or your children you should NEVER stay!!!! Try this approach before you make any decisions!! I will be praying for you and your marriage! By the way, I understand what others are saying about your kids not seeing an unhealthy marriage, however, my mother was married to other men and I was never treated the way my father would have treated me. There are emotional scars anyway you go, unless you and your husband seek out change and commit to it! My Grandmother always tells me "marriage is like a job, you work at it everyday". They are celebrating their 60th Anniversary this November!! Thinking and praying for you!! Don't give up!!!

Sandi - posted on 10/12/2009

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Ida, I don't know your situation, so I'll give you my point of view. If the question is being asked because of physical abuse, there is never ever a reason to stay. If it is being asked because of verbal or emotional abuse, ask yourself and him if counseling would be worth the effort. Sometimes the answer is no, and that is when you leave. Pretty much any other reason should be faced head on, counceling tried, and if it doesn't work, why be miserable, make each other miserable, and make your kids miserable? We are quick to divorce, especially in the US. My husband and I are going through a terrible time right now, but no abuse so it is worth working on. I personally do not believe it will work in the end, but I told him I would give it my all and I am doing so. The problem in our marriage is ...me. And I am the first to admit it. No lying, no affair, just realized he's not who I built him up to be and that is MY fault, not his. But I don't think I can live with it for the rest of my life. I am angry and snide all the time and it's rubbing off on the kids. I don't want the kids to see him a I do, because he is really and truly a loving, caring man and wonderful father. I just don't love him. So, long story short (yeah, I know, too late) it depends on the situation and if counceling would work.

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User - posted on 06/22/2011

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I've been there w/ 2 kids and after a 1.5 yr separation we're working through it. No--best for the kids is a happy mama and a happy papa--even if that means separated. I keep my head, heart and feet where they are every day not dwelling in past and not daydreaming about the future. If you're serious about parting, I'd recommend two books BEFORE you make any changes:
Spiritual Divorce - Catalyst for an Extra Ordinary Life by Debbie Ford
The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle

Good Luck!

Sherri - posted on 06/21/2011

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For me I would suffer in order to make sure the kids are happy. As long as there is no violence or constant fighting.

Cynthia - posted on 06/21/2011

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This sounds like a very frustrating situation and I am so sorry you are going through this. I am looking at this as a social worker who has worked with hundreds of kids, as a mother of four myself, and as someone who recently celebrated 14 years of marriage, even though many people would have said we wouldn't make it because we have had so many problems getting along. It's amazing, but if you do the research, you find out that kids really don't do as well when their parents separate. I couldn't believe it. But I see it everyday in my field. Children do better when two parents stay together, even if they don't get along, but at least one of them is working to improve themselves and their marriage. More than anything, I would say if a man is willing to go to counseling (most are not) than they are open to change. And I would atleast stay long enough to go through counseling. It has taken years of counseling for us to get to where we are today, but when I look at my four happy kids, and the fact that they were with their father, who lives IN the home, on Father's Day- I can tell you it was worth every, single tear. People want an easy fix, an easy out- but the grass is not greener elsewhere, believe me. I appreciate everyone who has shared their story of how they left because they weren't fulfilled in their relationship, but I don't see many tales of how they went on to fulfilled in any others. And when we leave without learning to resolve problems, we teach our kids to do the same. Children of parents who stay together and learn to work things out and more likely to grow and do the same. Now I don't know what your situation is- even God allowed for us to leave for adultery. Or if your life is in danger, you may need to separate until you guys can get some help. Otherwise, I hope you can get some individual therapy for yourself and some couples therapy for the both of you through your church and professionally. We have had to do it all, and remain in regular counseling. I'll be praying for you guys.

[deleted account]

Everyone always told me to stay and I did. Where I come from divorsed is not in our vocabulary...It didn't do any good! When you're not happy you can't make other people happy specially your kids. If they grow up in an abussive home it will affect their future. And when you begin to see your kids suffering is already late, you should have been gone a long time ago. Don't wait to long it only gets worse. I happy now and my kids can see that, and they understand I made the right dessicion. Good luck!

Joanna - posted on 10/12/2009

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my mom and dad stayed together for the kids.......our life sucked because of it.

Chelsea Lanai - posted on 10/12/2009

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Sometimes staying when your not happy, only makes it harder for the kids, and isn't nessisarily better for them. They know when something is wrong.

Astria - posted on 10/12/2009

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In my opinion, if you are unhappy, the kids can sense the tension and unhappiness in the environment, so it is best to leave if you are at the point of no return, where you have tried, and exhausted all measures to try and make the relationship work. You have to think about how it is affecting your children, and also what you are teaching them, because out children will learn about life and relationships from what they see, and if your children see the fighting, whether physical or verbal, they will think that this behavior is acceptable.

Katie - posted on 10/12/2009

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IMO, and I'm saying this from experience. My baby's father and I tried for 4 years to make our relationship work. We decided that it was better to leave the relationship on good terms and while we were still friends. It's better for the kids to have two loving parents who are civil to each other and not at eachother's throats than to have two (still loving) parents who are miserable and CAN (not necessarily WILL) unintentionally transfer those feelings of anger and resentment to the kids. Hope this helps. Good luck! :-)

Missy - posted on 10/12/2009

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Ida, I left when my son was 5 months old. It's been very tough, but very worth it. I knew that I had to be "well" in order for my son to also be "well." He will only be as good as I am. Almost 2 years later, we are happy, healthy, and blessed! Good luck.

Dossie - posted on 10/12/2009

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Never stay for the children. They suffer as well as you do. I have divorced parents and life in better with happily divorced parents.

Tiffany - posted on 10/12/2009

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If u are completely unhappy then u should leave. It is best to leave the relationship before the kids become affected.My parents stayed together when they shouldn't have for us kids and it only made things worse. What is best for u is what is best for ur children. They need a happy healthy mom.

Fanta - posted on 10/12/2009

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I don't think you should stay for the kids because you may end up damaging them more. In that situation both parties have to get mature about the situation and if a divorce is the final decision, both parties need to make it work "apart" and do what's best for the children as a team. However, it's always best to do everything possible to make the marriage work, but you know if it's repairable or not....have you tried counseling? I believe it can work for the right people and if you are both willing to work. God bless!

Melissa - posted on 10/12/2009

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It's time to leave when you are no longer happy & it affects balance within the household. If momma's not happy then no one is happy! Children are very sensitive & wise; they feel the tension, and discontent. It's not a good idea to pack up & run over spilled milk as they say....but if things have really gone south & there's no way of bringing it back.....then do whats best for you & the rest will follow. You must be happy & love who & where you are in order to do the same for you children. Home is where the love is, and if daddy is bringing bad vibes & not to cool attitude around then....maybe it's time. Remember that it takes two; and no one is perfect! We all have our faults; take 5 to think about the relationship as a whole; what went wrong? What if anything... is he saying? Is he hearing you? Have you both tried your best? Let go of the anger & frustraion for a bit & just think...from outside the circle.

If you think things through, your children will come to understand; all in due time. Don't push your resentment of him onto the children. They love dad...no matter what! You might not be able to live with him anymore; but they can't control your emotions. Only their own. Good luck with your choices. They are never easy, trust yourself.

Charlotte - posted on 10/12/2009

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First, I would pray about it. Then get counseling for yourself. If you husband won't go then at least you can get some support. I also think its never good to stay in a marriage for the children. Because if you are miserable then your kids will suffer from it. Kids are smart and know when things are not right around the house. If you can truly say you gave 100% to your marriage and your husband is not giving anything in return, then you need to make yourself happy. The kids will adjust. Just make sure you and your husband talk to the kids and explain it is not their fault. And that you both will be there for them. If your husband is not in on the idea then all you can do is make sure your kids know they are loved and you will be experiencing this together. Life will get better. Always take time to make yourself happy. A happy mom equals happiness for your kids!!

TERRI - posted on 10/12/2009

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well i was never married to my daughters father i was in a 24yr relationship with him and he cheated on me when i was pregant and after i had my daughter i tried to work things out hopeing the best for my daughter i tried everything to make things rights and it was only for my daughter but why stay in a marriage that its not healthy for you and your kids... well i tried and gave him a second chance but it didnt work out....so i thought about my child and said do i want my child to see me unhappy and un healthy and mad all the time...especially argueing its hard... cause we suffer and get over it but are children are the ones who suffer more im sorry to hear about your marriage but do whats right for you and your children... take care and god bless you.

Kate - posted on 10/12/2009

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It's never better for the children to stay in an unhappy marraige. Work to make it work, ie counselling etc. But you'll know when you are ready when you get to the stage when it is the only option. It's a very hard and sad stage to get to so for yourself and everyone's sake be able to say I tried as hard as I could. I have been separated for 3.5 years now and I can honestly say not once did I regret my decision. My children are 9, 5 and 4. As soon as they were able to attend I paid for counselling and still do, for the five year old. They are thriving and the counselling is more for my peace of mind because children can feel they can't be honest with their parents because of divided loyalities. This life is very short and whether you realise it or not children can pick up on your misery. I wish you the best of luck. I am a happier person as a result as are the kids. there's always a light at the end of the tunnel! It's an awful decision to have to make and I would not like to be back there again but it will work out better for you :)

User - posted on 10/12/2009

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You should never stay in a bad marriage for the kids. I did that for 5 years and regret every minute of it. My son seen to many mean things being done that he should have never seen ot heard. I do think that when you are leaving you both should be on good terms for the kids, they are going through so much and they need there mom and dad, so try not to fight and yell in front of them or make them make decisions that are for the adults to make. As long as the father wants to be a part of there lifes he should always be given that (well unless he is mean or abusive to them). Not a big fan of mothers who take the kids away from fathers who want to be in there lives. Good Luck!

Joy - posted on 10/12/2009

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P.S. It's proven that girls usually end up in relationships with men who treat them like their father treated their mom, and boys usually treat women how their father treated their mother. I knew it was time to let the marriage go when I realized that I definitely did NOT want my boys to treat their future girlfriends and wives like I was treated by my husband.

Iysha - posted on 10/12/2009

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I believe that staying for the sake of the kids is wrong. I want my daughter to know that if she is not happy with a man that she was once in love with, that it is ok to leave and be happy on her own or with a different man. I believe children learn from example and that by staying in a relationship you are no longer interested in shows children that if they are with one person, they have to stay with that person no matter what their feelings about that person is. I personally don't think that is best. Children know... they can tell how people feel...it isn't going to be a secret that you aren't happy. They can read your body language...children are very good at that. Whatever you chose to do, make sure that you are happy. If you are happy, your children will be happy.

Callie - posted on 10/12/2009

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Granted this is my first child, but I personally as a child suffered through two bad marriages with my mom. The first was of course with my father, always fighting and throwing things. That's all I remember. The 2nd was with my step-father, who was very abusive. My mom stayed for 8 years with him. I begged her all the time to leave, specially after he broke her leg. A light bulb went off in her head one night and we packed up and left.

I personally was in a bad relationship for 4 years. I tried everything I could think of to make it work. We did counseling, books, talking to each other about what we thought we needed to do differenting, etc.... In the end nothing worked and one night that same light bulb went off in my head and I knew I had to leave. I left the next day, and I'm so much more happier. I'm now married to a wonderful man who treats me like a queen, and we're expecting our first child.

The point I'm trying to make is what Karrah said, your kids see more. They dont understand what the fights are about, but they can see/hear the words and the actions, and that affects them. You have to do what's best for the kids, and for you. Every parent and their kids deserve to be happy.

Joy - posted on 10/12/2009

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A lot of issues just recently came up in my marriage. I found out my husband was lying and having an affair. For awhile I wanted to work things out because I still loved him, and for my kids too (we have a 2 year old son and a new one on the way), but then I realized that I didn't want my kids to be around that . Things just got to the point where I knew that if I waited around for things to get better, that I was also putting the happiness of me and the kids on hold. I don't know if you're religious at all, but I prayed a lot about what I should do, and one day it just came to me that it was time to move on, and I feel very good and comforted about it. I don't know what your situation is, but when you get to the point where you know that staying around is hindering everyone, it's probably time to go. Remember, you're of course worried about your kids well being, but you need to worry about yours too, because if you aren't happy, that will effect your kids' happiness too and will effect how well you can be a mom. But it's a really hard decision, so it's something that you need to decide by yourself in the long run. If you believe in God, pray a lot!

Yvonne - posted on 10/12/2009

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When your marriage is to the point where you are thoroughly disgusted with your partner in every realm there is, then there is no common ground but your children and I feel it is more harmful for them to see an unhealthy relationship between Mom & Dad than to deal with Mom & Dad not being together. At least they will see their Mom or Dad happy again. Believe me for I was one who stayed in an unhealthy relationship because of my 3 daughters and the guilt of removing them from their father and unfortunately they are left with some emotional scars which has affected their relationships with men to this day even though they are grown with families of their own.

[deleted account]

I recently got divorced. I realized that I NEVER want my daughter to marry a man that would treat her like her father treated me and I realized that I NEVER want my boys to treat their wives like that either. I want my children to see happiness and accept nothing short of that in their lives. By staying married I was subjecting them all to a very toxic view of how life should be!! ~ just a thought for you! hope it helps! good luck!

[deleted account]

It's only best for the kids if both parents are loving and gentle towards each other when the kids are present. If there's any hostility between the parents in front of the kids, they will pick up on this and it may affect their behavior. If it's possible, try counseling to see if you can work out the differences that are creating this situation. If that is not an option, then you have to use your best judgement. Take a step back and try to look objectively at the whole picture. Your kids will see more than you think they will, and it won't always be what you want them to see. Good luck and God Bless.

KAREN - posted on 10/12/2009

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You shouldn't stay in a marriage just for the kids. I believe you should always try to make it work if you can. If you haven't already, try marriage counseling. If not, then you should think about separation. It is not good for kids to see their parents be miserable.

Vickie - posted on 10/12/2009

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It's NEVER best to "stay for the children". You have to be a happy, healthy person in order to be the best possible parent to your children. They deserve that. If you stay for them, none of you will be happy or healthy in the long run. You'll be resentful and they will pick up on your unhappiness... Once you decide it's over, make your move and go. The kids will take their cues from you and adjust in the manner you place in front of them. I've been there TWICE. All of my kids are healthy and well-adjusted people. And so am I. =)

Kelly - posted on 10/12/2009

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Heres my theory....once the children start acting out because of the fighting that might me going on or u start to see a change in them.....well thats when i would say enough is enough...we as parents want to make our marriages work...but yet sometimes it doesnt work out the way we planned....try everything first...counsling...ets...good luck with everything...

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