when his ex controls everything, money and when, where he spends time

Rhonda - posted on 06/12/2015 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Hi All, just looking for some advice.
My partner and I met almost a yr ago, he cheated on his partner with me... it wasn't something I thought I could ever get caught up in. He moved out of the family home last oct and offically moved in with me in dec. He has 2 young boys 7 and 9... I've met the boys and all was well... they even started to stay over some weekends and school nites. Since he left the family home she has insisted that his entire pay stays in a joint account where she hands out and allowance to him, he and I can't even go to a movie without me having to pay cause he has no money, she constantly takes the boys on week holidays and weekends away and a bali holiday for herself. The eldest boy is having a hard time without his father but she now insists any time the biys soend with their father are over at the family home, his youngest had a birthday last weekend and the father attended the party, she then took them away camping and now he is over their having dinner with them all, he says the youngest asked, but I think she's behind it....just another way to have him spend more time there. I feel it's not acceptable and just confusing the boys more...she's constantly texting him with non urgent rubbish to keep the contact. Surely there has to be boundries?? He will always respond out of guilt and not wanting to hurt her. His guilt is what she plays on and I've done everything I can to accommodate and welcome his boys to my family and home, I also have children and want nothing more for them all to be happy.
When is enough enough???

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/12/2015

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Wait one minute. YOU are the one night stand. YOU are the mistress. He's obviously not filed for divorce, so he's getting the best of both worlds at this point.

YOU don't have any place to tell him that SHE is out of line. HE IS HER HUSBAND. NOT YOURS.

Enough is enough when you sleep with a married man and the consequences of that can be unfavorable. Welcome to the real world.

You have children of your own. Raise them. Teach them good values and morals. That's your responsibility.

Dove - posted on 06/12/2015

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Which was my smart aleck way to say if he doesn't like it he should get a court order spelling everything out. ;)

Dove - posted on 06/12/2015

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Good for her for getting whatever she can out of the jerk! I would have loved to have been able to screw w/ my ex like that after he left us... but he actually DID leave us completely and we went to court for everything.

Ashlea - posted on 06/12/2015

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It sounds to me like he wants the best of both worlds his old family and yours make him work out what he wants and if that's you he can't live like his ex is his mother. Tell him to make a routine where your both happy other wise let him go back to them coz I feel like it's maybe more than just his ex if he can't get things sorted

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MaryAnn - posted on 06/12/2015

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Yup. Either he feels guilty and doesn't know his rights... or he's just using her.
my beat advice is to lay down the law: become a single man with no wife to go home to, or waltz away. Dont fight for a man who wont acknowledge that he's doing wrong by his kids and two women. Dont lower yourself to the status of "mistress." You deserve better.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/12/2015

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Ah, but he's given his indication that he's perfectly happy having his wife/kids (cake) and mistress (eating it too)...

MaryAnn - posted on 06/12/2015

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HE is in control of HIS money and HIS time. If he is unwilling to have the lines drawn, your issue is with him and not her. It really doesn't matter how his relationship came to be with you. She can ask for whatever she wants, flying purple dinosaur included, but what he gives her is a decision he makes himself, and if she doesn't like that, its between the two of them, their attorneys and the court.
When it comes to his time, though... kids should be fine. He should always have time for his kids. When it is time spent with *her* though, thats when it gets iffy. If he's serious about you staying in the picture, he wouldn't be going around for dinner having teh kids hope for a reunification, or even this idea that she remains a part of his family. Kids are forever. Ex spouses are not.
Might not be a popular opinion around here, but i do not believe that two people need to be friends to raise children together. After divorce, there is no together. It becomes two people with a common goal- raising their children to be healthy productive members of society. He can be respectful to her, they can share important information, and they CAN do this without interfering with the other's ability to move forward and find happiness beyond what they once had. This is especially true when things dont end so amicably.

Ev - posted on 06/12/2015

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I am with the other ladies on this. You said in your post he cheated on her with you. You expecting things is not going to happen unless he can get himself a lawyer and take this to court. And you should understand that he had kids with her and has to help care for them not only financially but emotionally and in other ways. It sounds like he can not decide what he wants. Maybe he is getting the best of both worlds. But you can not expect to get what you want out of this...you took on a relationship with a married man and you could have said no in the first place.

Jady - posted on 06/12/2015

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So he left her for you... where they a happy family before you had come along?

You talk about not wanting to confuse the children... so what made it ok for you, this bloke then?

As for the finances suck it up didums to the movie... you can support your self and your kids yes? Good..
If he's over there having dinner
Brilliant it shows there being amicable parents and that's what those children need!

Michelle - posted on 06/12/2015

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He has to accept what he has done and that he can't undo it.
She can't stop him from opening his own bank account and having his pay go in to it.
He is also making "excuses" to be around there and not cut off all essential contact.
He should have a lawyer and divide the marital property/assets. This can be done before a divorce is applied for.

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